Big news from what we could refer to as “the sexual realm”. Despite decades of
insistence that all the best sex lasts 15 hours, spans a minimum of nine
positions and has both parties hammering dementedly away at each other's
nether regions like a pair of autistic woodpeckers, it seems the truth is a
little different. Well, totally different. According to a poll of 50 sex
therapists, the most desirable sex lasts, in actual fact, mere minutes.
Between 3 and 13, optimally. Or, to break it down another way, a span
somewhere between Penny Lane and the second half of an episode of My Family.
The time it takes to get from Finchley Road to Wembley Park. Barely enough
time to toast a muffin.
It should be made clear that, apparently, this paradigmatic shag snack does
not include foreplay. Nor does it include the enigmatically named
“afterplay” - something that, presumably, in some manner of sexual paradise,
would consist of snuggling, reverential caressing and pleasingly stupefied
recitation of love poetry, but which, in actuality, comprises three minutes
of lying flat on your back, going “Arrrr, that was smashing”, then a sleepy
exchange vis-à-vis the location of the cat, and whether the central heating
has been left on or not.
No, it doesn't include any of that. None of it. This 3-to-13-minutes statistic
is devoted purely to the central, core, essential, elemental, no-frills act
of jiggy-jiggy. And, I for one, am greatly cheered by the whole thing. I am
hugely in favour of the “capsule poke”, as we could perhaps start referring
to it. I dislike shilly-shallying in all matters, and see no reason to make
an exception when it comes to extreme rudeness. From a health and safety
standpoint alone, there are huge problems with a lengthy rut. We are, after
all, dealing with fairly fragile areas of the human body here. Frankly, I
find the concept of these night-long marathons baffling. Whenever I read one
of those News of the World “We made love all night long” kiss'n'tell scoops,
the logistics of it terrify me. Loving all night long would, surely, be
equivalent to rubbing the tip of your nose between two pork chops for 19
hours. Essentially, it's an abrasive act. I can't see how you wouldn't
injure yourself terribly.
Similarly, whilecertainly a great fan of “sexual intercourse” - I find it a
refreshing alternative to both arguments and jogging, and believe it to be
the only civilised way to end a game of Scrabble - life is, tragically,
short. Very short. However wonderful being borne aloft on the wings of
ecstasy, etc, may be, there are also an awful lot of Neil Finn albums to get
through, hats to wear, air-guitar to play, anecdotes to tell, and clips of
cats falling off things on YouTube to watch. I don't believe that these
activities are necessarily better than physically uniting with a
loved/drunken one. It's just that I wouldn't sacrifice them in favour of 19
hours of a really quite repetitive act. Honestly, if you can't achieve what
you set out to do in half an hour or less, it's possible that you just might
not be doing it properly. I'd check all available diagrams, and try again.
This is why I'm quietly thrilled by the publication of this survey. I am
appreciative of the breath of calm it has brought to an - often literally,
given that coital sawing action - fraught area. It is a statement that
serves to remind everyone that sex is, essentially, something simple and
ordinary that can be accomplished with the minimum of fuss. Because
sometimes, you know, it just feels a bit like sex has been taken over by The
Man. What was once achieved with the minimum of bother, for little or no
expense - and, often, with one or more of the participants restfully asleep
- has in recent decades become a gigantically hectic palaver. Sex now has
accessories: wands, pads, magic vibrating eggs. Oxymoronically for something
fairly reliant on nakedness, it has outfits. And on top of all the
new-found, rampant consumerism - this need for extraneous sex stuff - what
was once fairly famously some pleasing animal dumbness now seems to require
as much planning, thought and self-expression as two retired architects
building a modernist glass cube on Grand Designs. These days, you're
sexually nothing unless you harbour at least one unlikely, baroque and
pointedly unique sexual fantasy, such as wanting to be partially absorbed by
a mermaid. You can't just have a good old-fashioned mindless shag. Anyone
into “vanilla” sex - like Rachel in Friends when she admits that the most
adventurous place she has ever had sex is “at the bottom of the bed” - is
seen as a trifle, well, repressed. We're apt to believe that the more
bizarre, complex or unusual our sexual fantasies, the deeper, cleverer and
more interesting we are.
I have to admit that I'm guilty of this totally pointless sexual
one-upmanship. At a recent party everyone was discussing their sexual
experiences and fantasies, to which I was contributing some of my “razzier”
true-life stories. Although not the one where I ended up being sick down the
front of a Tudorbethan house in Aylesbury, and had to clean off the
plasterwork with a broom soaked in hot Dettol, while the would-be lesbian's
mum shouted at me.
However, I realised how gauche all my freaky sex-boasting was when the
quietest member of our group finally spoke up, and told us his key sexual
fantasy. “It's having some sex with a nice woman,” he said, looking a bit
embarrassed; but also notably much saner and less harassed than everyone
else around the table.
And, really, there is a man we can all look up to, and admire. Spurning the
modern quacking and hoo-ha, and taking sex back to its enjoyable basics -
like it's some kind of gastropub, but with la-las and foo-foos instead of
pies. And I bet he takes exactly 6 minutes.
Wake-up call for birdsong lovers
A radio station that broadcasts nothing but birdsong from British country
gardens has become an unlikely hit. Half a million listeners have tuned into
the Birdsong station (www.ukdigitalradio.com/news/display.asp?id=290), which
broadcasts from 6am to midnight every day and plays 20 minute-long loops of
wood pigeon, thrush, blackbird, some kind of finch and, having listened to
it, what seems to be a random elephant, at three minutes in.
Alas, however: the channel faces closure, unless the “eccentric millionaire”
called for on the station's Facebook page comes through with funding and
upgrades the station. And, indeed, the need for the Birdsong station may be
even more urgent than it initially seems. Various reports over the past
decade have concluded that the British bird's repertoire of songs is being
radically truncated. Widespread urban noise pollution means that birds just
can't hear each other any more. Consequently, they are failing to learn
songs from each other, as they once did.
When I read the first of these reports, I realised that they were right. The
dawn choruses of my childhood seemed immense - whole treefuls of birds
exploding with the sun, and sounding like the orchestral wig-out in A Day In
The Life. These days, however, the dawn chorus sounds like three rats
coughing behind some bins - a pitiful collection of bleeps, squawks and
rasps that no more welcomes the dawn than the sound of a brick being thrown
through a window.
Impossibly saddened by this desecration of one of Nature's most beautiful
gifts, last summer I resolved to do something about it. For five hope-filled
days, I hoicked my stereo up on to the windowsill, every dawn and blasted
out CDs of British birdsong. I hoped to teach the birds, once more, to sing.
Then, unfortunately, I had a series of hangover lie-ins and blew the whole
project. But if we could all set our radio alarms for Birdsong station, and
crank it up really loud, there is a chance that, once again, we could have
birds with a repertoire, instead of them sounding like the avian equivalents
of Pete Doherty.
What with all the bad news and dead-serious things to worry about before you are dead - this article brought me health-restoring relief: British sense of humour surviving in some Britons, even with the sad undernote of where-have-all-the-birdsongs gone... Thank you - I am feeling better! On my way to mockingbird hill even.
J.H. van der Plas, The Hague, Netherlands
Much as I liked the overall article, I do agree that the flippant comment about "autistic woodpeckers" is incredibly demeaning to people with the disability. I'm sure after a brief experience of the 24/7 care required, you'd no longer find your metaphor so entertaining.
In fact, autistic isn't a metaphor - it's reality for many of us. Who are you going to ridicule next? Perhaps a comparison of bald men with chemo recipients? After all, surely that would provide similar laughs?
Personally I find both offensive.
Michaela, York,
Phew...... I thought I was the only one who really enjoys sex.... but often thinking, ok, that's enough now, oh come on just.... finish.... So how do we tell the men that actually all this talk about "stamina" and "lasting" is for many of us a complete nonsense and completely unwanted?
Helen E., London, UK
hammering dementedly away at each other's nether regions like a pair of autistic woodpeckers
surely you could have used a better adjective without discriminating autistic people ????
suz\anne, lancs, uk
Actually, I need 9 minutes not 6!
But, there is just one condition, it must be a consequence of true love.
Kind regards,
JC Wandemberg, London, UK
one of the best , funniest articles ive read in a long long time many congratulations
an intelligent , self depracating woman!!!!!!! what a rarity, are you single ?
Gilbo, wellingbrough, northants
I knew there was a happy medium between my ex (45 minutes, guaranteed cystitis) and my current (45 seconds, guaranteed sulking.)
Sarah, Birmingham,
"... has both parties hammering dementedly away at each other's nether regions like a pair of autistic woodpeckers..."
I wish people would stop using the term 'autistic' to get a cheap laugh. Do you realise how offensive this is? Would you make a joke about downs syndrome to get a laugh Caitlin? Autism is a very real disability, a condition of the brain. My 8 year old with autism cannot speak and will need lifelong care. It worries me how so-called intelligent writers use this term thinking they are being terribly witty and clever.
Claire, Leeds, UK
Hilarious! And thank you so much for addressing this...I'm a woman, and quite frankly, my last lover lasted WAY too long for my comfort. I often wondered how good sex with him would be if perhaps he didn't try so hard to "perform." Those things we have can get sensitive, you know?!
Rachel, Denver, CO
For Sue in Illinois . . . . most people in the UK turn off the heating at night. And their hot water systems are also on timers so that there is hot water in the morning and again when everyone gets home in the evening. By comparison, we in the US are profligate with our energy usage.
Rod, NYC, USA
Funny article except I didn't quite get the comment "..then a sleepy exchange vis-Ã -vis the location of the cat, and whether the central heating has been left on or not."
Who turns off the central heating?
cheers,
Sue
Sue, Elgin, Illinois
Great piece of writing.
Richard, Sydney, Australia
I've done pork chops.
Brilliant.
Gerry, Rhyl,
Every hetrosexual game of scrabble should end in such ammicable resolve.
Sensational, self deprecating stuff..... I hear autism amongst woodpeckers is on the increase.
Oscar, London,
The time should be the last thing on your mind! Need I say more?
Sam, London,
Loved your article about debunking this all night stuff Caitlin. Even in my prime (I'm 73 now) I wasn't that athletic.
Keep us posted with the shagathon news!
Reg Kemp, March, UK
No,no,no,no,no,no!!!
The longer... the better!
André, Rennes, France
Bit of blue for the dads.
Robin Tudge, London,
Heh, outstanding article. Thanks for cracking me up and making my day.
Steven, Birmingham,
Caitlin, you have captured this so so well. I laughed the whole way through. Thanks for brightening my madly busy day!
Nikki, London, Middlesex
I'm desperate for a further explanation of the adventure culminating in you being 'sick down the front of a Tudorbethan house in Aylesbury'. How were you caught? Surely you weren't performing such an act in public view? What is a would-be lesbian? Very funny article.
Andy, London,
and then there are those of us who like to conclude all the preliminaries as quickly as possible and get straight down to the cigarette
chris, canterbury, england
Caitlin, I laughed out loud at the treatment of such a difficult topic. I think one of the reasons why young mens' sperm counts are low is the constant exaggeration of prowess. Let's hope this article restores some sanity and young men get their low counts reversed!
Frank Keegan, Alderley Edge,
Australian male's idea of foreplay.
"You awake?"
eric campbell, harrogate, uk
While I second Roger's (Penzance) view, I am also obliged to agree with Caitlin; as a Brit of African origin, I have always wondered at the differences in attitude towards sex, of both cultures. Africans consider sex to be a beautiful and necessary human act, in contrast to the "Cosmopolitan"- et al, lipstick sexuality of the UK - E.g. "More" magazine's "sexual position of the week". The best sex comes through knowing your partner on all levels, not swinging from chandeliers and screaming "yeah baby". Constantly having to research sexual techniques demonstrates, in my opinion, a distinct lack of natural sensuality. It seems that people in the UK are obsessed with learning how to "do it", while Africans "just do it".
Shebilla, London, uk
Funny as usual Catlin.
How would you feel about an albumn of that great tantric Sting whistling birdsong ? Make woodpecking any more attractive?
robert everitt, wolverhampton,
May I suggest adding chocolate sauce for an extra dollop of transcendency...
Andy, Brighton, England
Crude and silly
Roger Angove, Penzance,
Caitlin, your metaphors are hysterical! "Rubbing the tip of your nose between two pork-chops".... priceless! Great column!
Carolyn, Minneapolis, US
Non-rhetorical question that isn't intended to offend anyone (but probably will): Are those who favor vanilla being boring or just starved for intimacy of any kind?
Michael, Pueblo, Colorado, US
Margaret, only someone sith San Fansisco, CA, after their name could write about "transcendent sex" in response to this article without the slightest hint of irony!
DW, Beijing, China
Oops! Too long.
Dan, Timbuktu,
Caitlin
Hilarious column, love your work!
Fancy a game of Scrabble some time?
Peter, London, UK
Brilliant.
What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed.
Kat, Vienna,
Ya'll are being silly. If a fit, loving couple has been apart a while, they go out on the town drinking, pawing away at each other all night, building up the tension, then when they are finally alone they can do it for hours. Or at least 3-4 times over the course of a few hours. I've watched the sun come up more than once after having a grand old time. Working off the sexual tension with someone I care a great deal about is one of life's greatest gifts.
Astro Man, London,
3 minutes? How do manage to last so long?
William Hudson, Buenos Aires, Argentina
Erm, at the risk of being rude, in my early twenties I did frequently experience all-night love making. However, it was usually broken down into about four sessions and there was usually an interval of at least 30-45 mins (sometimes an hour) inbetween, and the intervals were usually punctuated with light banter. So yes, it is possible but no, not non-stop and mindlessly all night.
I'm thirty now and over the past 2-3 years, I find that after a 5-10 minute once-off, I and (hopefully) my partner are good for the night. Diminishing returns?
Tim, Southampton,
What a deliciously written piece. Funny, self-deprecating, smart, and concise. Bravo!
Jay, London,
Those who talk the most, do the least.
As with many things, underlying reality is the precise opposite of surface appearances. The [wo]man who requires a [large] tight partner betrays their own inadequacies.
No amount of artifice or gymnastics can replace emotional connection. Satisfaction is essentially an emotion, not a sensation.
Robert, HOUSTON, Texas
Who believes what celebs say their whole existence is built on lies.
What they mean is they made love several times maybe 3 or 4 not continuosly which would be something like a long distance run which most people in the average physical shape of today could not manage.
plato, ely, uk
Along with Martin Samuel's, this is the only column in The Times that is consistently great.
Eddie, London,
We are constantly lied to about sex by the press, by television, and by radio. Sex is best between a man and a woman who love each other, are committed to each other to get married, and put up with each other's annoying habits enough to make love. It is not a sport. It is not an art form. It is not supposed to be a way to sell television advertising or morning radio programmes.
Gregory Baker, Odenton, Maryland , USA
I agree, Caitlin. Sex is fab, but there's lots of other fab stuff to do too. Variety is essential with-in sex and with-out.
Sarah, Montpellier, France
Id love to know what your views are on the Max Mosley saga are Caitlin. Another brilliant and funny column, made me laugh out loud!
Mr Thompson, sheffield, yorkshire
I read above, or below....
"He noticed that we were done before the screensaver had come on - all of 3 minutes."
Should that read.............
"He noticed that he was done before the screensaver had come on - all of 3 minutes."
Bring on the 3 minute female orgasms and let's all get back to the TV or pub.
David, Dubai, UAE
I'm sure these sex ' Therapists' have to keep changing things and the rest of us potentially on our toes - just stay in business!
I'm sure most guys have the old Prince song playing inside the brain '22 positions in a one night stand' counting down each one!
Ah well, now we have to keep to down to 13 mins for a month or so - & to think of all those accessories gonna go to waste!!!
Paresh, Leeds,
Your stubborn insistence that a quality shag should be brief, businesslike, and practical is one of the saddest things I've read in years. You might get bored of rubbing a nose between your porkchops, but what about the tongue, the eyelashes, or your nipples? What you call the enjoyable basics I would call painfully lowered expectations. You don't need toys, outfits or props to have amazing transcendent sex, just an open mind, some stamina, and the intense desire for pleasure shared. The shag you're proposing I would not bother with - if there aren't any fireworks, then why not give up and do something else thats more fun.
Margaret , San Francisco , CA USA
Very funny! I agree with you Caitlin. I confess to having just had a quickie with my partner in the office before I read your column (we work from home I hasten to add). He noticed that we were done before the screensaver had come on - all of 3 minutes.
Shirley, England,
Who are you playing Scrabble with!?!
Vivienne , London,
Sex is best when there are no musts of any kind.
Elizabeth, Edinburgh, Scotland
Brilliant, Caitlin.
I never really thought of sex as an act that's like "hammering dementedly away at each other's nether regions like a pair of autistic woodpeckers" and I'll try not to in future. Very funny.
Elan Durham, Santa Monica, CA/US
What incredibly trite writing.
Shows just how far the times has slipped.
John, Dublin,
Thank you Caitlin, for writing yet another hilarious article. I always look forward to them :)
Joe, London, UK
Today's article made my morning - I haven't laughed so hard over the morning papers in ages! Thankyou!
Elliot, Edinburgh,
Incredibly funny, great writring :)
Marco, Lexington, MA
Caitlin, thanks very much. I have just been sacked for laughing too hard in the office. Please keep humour to a maximum of Jeremy Clarkson level in future.
James, London,