It might surprise some people to learn that while I enjoy talking on the phone, I do not enjoy listening in to other people’s phone conversations. Especially when they are on a mobile phone and especially when they are seated next to me on a plane waiting to take off.

The only thing worse than being seated next to a crying infant for a transatlantic flight is being seated next to a crying infant whose mum is talking into her mobile exploring the possible explanations for the tears.

“She started four hours ago. She’s been crying the whole time. No, her nappy is dry. Yes, I burped her. Wind? You think it might be wind?...OK, I’ll tell her it’s you.”

(Pause) ‘Sweetie, daddy’s on the phone. Here. On the phone. Talk to him. It’s Da-da. DA-DA. You don’t want to talk to him? You don’t want to talk to dada?”

(Pause) “She doesn’t want to talk to you. I’ll call you when we land.”

Recently, I was horrified to discover that airlines will soon allow mid-air mobile phone use. I read a report that said, “At last, certain flights on Emirates Airways are allowing passengers to officially get their calls and texts.”

Are people that busy that they can’t go a few hours without talking on the phone? And, if they are really that important, shouldn’t they be able to afford a private jet?

The first flight that authorised calls was between Dubai and Casablanca.

There was one main topic of conversation: How weird it was to be talking mid-flight. “We’ve taken off and I’m calling you from the plane! Isn’t that weird?”

But soon, the novelty will wear off and there will be a series of other topics. For instance:

Topic 1. Reception. “I only have two bars. I can’t hear you. I SAID: I CAN”T HEAR YOU. CAN YOU HEAR ME? I SAID: CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

Topic 2. Location. “We’re somewhere over the Pacific. I don’t know where exactly. I’ll call you back when the clouds break.”

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