Smash hit

Simon in London started laughing and called me stupid. “You threw water in the toaster?” He couldn’t get over my ignorance.

I explained that I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to do that.

“Everyone knows that,” he snapped.

He sounded so annoyed. Maybe if I’d died it would have been less frustrating.

I moved on and called Liza.

"Sounds bad," she said. She was walking down the street with her friend Mary on their way to lunch. I told her I survived. "That's great, honey. Mary says Hi. Gotta go -”

"Tell Mary I survived?" I said. She had already hung up.

I called my friend Dave who was also at lunch. Who knew so many of my friends went out to lunch? I explained what happened and waited for his response. “Let me call you back,” he said, “I’m about to order.”

Only Sophie had genuine sympathy and recognised the gravity of what could have been. “I’m very glad you weren’t electrocuted,” she said.

“Thank you.” I replied. “Me too.” Then there was a pause. There’s not much left to say after that.

I went out to buy a fire extinguisher. The man at the hardware store took one look at me and handed one over which looked like a bottle of hair spray. “It’s very easy,” he said, “Just pull the top off and press down.” I guess I must look like someone who wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Just then it hit me. A fire extinguisher makes an excellent gift. Birthdays, weddings, engagements, baby showers – finally I know what to give.

At first, no one will think it's a good gift but you know when they'll thank me? Next time they have a fire. Then they’ll appreciate it. I might not know how to save my own life but I can get credit for saving others.

To read more from Ariel Leve, visit www.timesonline.co.uk/arielleve

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