There are hundreds of gentle cleanses on the market, but the one I trust the most is from the Organic Pharmacy (www. theorganicpharmacy.com). The best combination is their Liver and Kidney tincture (£10.95), used with the Detox capsules (£26.95 for 60), a gentle formulation of herbs, clays and greens that will cleanse and soothe the gut. If you were feeling self-indulgent you could also treat your bottom to some of their zingy Detox Cellulite Body Oil (£26). Rein in the booze and stay off the foie gras for a couple of weeks while taking this lot, and you’ll soon be feeling human again.

For readers wanting swifter results – and with a strong stomach – there is something much less user-friendly but, by all accounts unfailingly effective. This doesn’t come to me via a press release, but has been recommended by friends and colleagues, all of whom report almost miraculous results.
It’s mud. Mud from the lowland moors in Austria and Hungary, which are the only medicinal moors known to be of genuine therapeutic worth (one of the reasons I came across this stuff was because I was trying to find out more about “the healing waters of Hungary”, which I mentioned last week in connection with a lovely new range of face creams called Omorovicza). In Britain you can buy it from a company called Moor Spa (0845 1306768; www.moorspa.co.uk). All their products contain this moor water, which consists of over 1,000 herbs, plants, grasses and flowers (plus, no doubt, a few dead Huns), stewed for the past 20,000 years into an extremely lively organic broth.

Their most hardcore product, and the one most heartily recommended, is the optimistically named Bouquet (£19.95). This is a pitch-black liquid simply composed of moorland peat and peat water. It’s supposed to be odourless, but in all honesty it smells like raw sewage – although this does fade completely if you let it air before you drink it. Yes, that’s right, you have to drink it – two spoonfuls a day (have a dollop of honey or some extremely dark truffle on hand as a chaser). The unpleasantness is, however, far outweighed by the benefits. Within a couple of days you will notice a very satisfying clearing of the bowels, a general feeling of well-being and improved energy, but, most importantly, a ravishingly radiant skin. Spots go, skin brightens, the whites of your eyes are as clear and pure as a toddler’s. If you can’t face the drink (I couldn’t), they do capsules (£24.20 for 30), which is once again the moor, only freeze-dried to retain all the key properties and with added collagen. They also have a Hydrating Herbal Bath (£10.95) which is fantastic for aches and pains – although you mustn’t do it before going out for dinner or in the morning, as it makes you want to go to sleep immediately. You wake up feeling great, though. Ah yes, there’s definitely something in them there waters…

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