Sylvia woke up one day and decided, this is it. I’m done. I want a divorce. It
had become clear to her that her husband, Robert, was unavailable and
ungiving. She was tired of listening to his tirades and fed up with his
demands. But what really pushed her over the edge was when she found herself
in the hospital for a week for an intestinal blockage and he visited her
only twice. Both times he came to ask questions about running the house.
At least this is how Sylvia, an attractive woman with brown hair, bright blue
eyes and a spring in her step, explained it to me during a therapy session.
Since her early twenties, she felt she had spent most of her time taking
care of needy, self-absorbed people. She had fixed their problems, pulling
them out of alcoholism or abusive situations, and in return they had sucked
her emotionally dry.
At 54, she was still very attractive and felt full of energy. What astounded
her more than anything was that she felt as though a haze had lifted
recently, and she could see in a way she hadn’t been able to before. For 28
years she had chauffeured, nurtured and loved her three children, made sure
home-work was done, dinner was eaten and the house didn’t fall apart. Now,
out of nowhere, she found herself asking, why?
If we took our MRI scanner into Sylvia’s brain, we’d see a landscape quite
different from that of a few years before. A constancy in the flow of
impulses through her brain circuits has replaced the surges and plunges of
oestrogen and progesterone caused by the menstrual cycle.
Her brain is now a more certain and steady machine. We do not see the
hair-trigger circuits in the amygdala that rapidly altered her reality right
before her period, sometimes pushing her to see bleakness that wasn’t there
or to hear an insult that wasn’t intended. We would see that the brain
circuits between the amygdala (the emotional processor), and the prefrontal
cortex (the emotion assessment and judgment area) are fully functional and
consistent. They are no longer easily overamped at certain times of the
month. The amygdala still lights up more than a man’s when Sylvia sees a
threatening face or hears about a tragedy, but tears don’t flood her so
quickly any more.
Fifty-one and a half years is the average age of menopause, the moment 12
months after a woman’s last period; 12 months after the ovaries have stopped
producing the hormones that have boosted her communication circuits, emotion
circuits, the drive to tend and care and the urge to avoid conflict at all
costs. The circuits are still there but the fuel for running the highly
responsive Maserati engine for tracking the emotions of others has begun to
run dry, and this scarcity causes a major shift in how a woman perceives her
reality.
With her oestrogen down, her oxytocin is down, too. She’s less interested in
the nuances of emotions; she’s less concerned about keeping the peace; and
she’s getting less of a dopamine rush from the things she did before, even
talking with her friends. She’s not getting the calming oxytocin reward of
tending and caring for little children, so she’s less inclined to be as
attentive to others’ personal needs.
This can happen precipitously and the problem is that Sylvia’s family can’t
see from the outside how her internal rules are being rewritten. One day she
turned to Robert and said: “You’re a grown-up and I’m finished raising the
kids. Now it’s my turn to have a life.” Robert couldn’t believe what he was
hearing. For instance: “Make your own damn dinner or go out by yourself. For
the last time, I’m not hungry. I’m happy painting right now and I don’t feel
like stopping.”
He said she had snapped at him at a party two nights before, when she offered
a suggestion about investing in a group of stocks and he told her to stay
out of the discussion because she didn’t know what she was talking about.
After all, he was the one who read Barron’s, the investors’ guide. “Yeah,
you keep reading it and you keep losing money. Have you seen my portfolio
lately? I’ve made three times the amount you’ve made, so stop belittling
me,” she’d replied. Everything he said seemed to annoy her. She announced
that she was moving out.
When Sylvia was younger, she would do everything she could to avoid fights
with her husband, even if she was really mad. There’s a tape that gets
rolling during the teen years, when oestrogen dials up the emotions and
communication circuits and makes a woman panic about any conflict as a
threat to a relationship. That tape doesn’t stop rolling until a woman
either consciously overrides it or the supply of hormones that fuels it is
cut off, or both. A time like now.
All her life Sylvia had prided herself on being accommodating and willing to
let her husband win — especially when he came home exhausted and on-edge
from the office. Her empathy for him was real.
She kept the peace, as her Stone Age brain was compelling her to do, to keep
the family together. Having a husband is good. We’re better protected this
way. These were the messages keeping her from engaging in conflict. If
Robert forgot their anniversary, she would bite her tongue. If he was
verbally abusive after a long day at work, she stared straight into the stew
she was stirring and didn’t respond.
But as Sylvia hit menopause, the filters came off, her irritability increased
and her anger wasn’t headed for that extra “stomach” any more, to be chewed
over before it came out. Her ratio of testosterone to oestrogen was
shifting, and her anger pathways were becoming more like a man’s. The
calming effects of progesterone and oxytocin weren’t there to cool off the
anger either. The couple had never learnt to process and resolve their
disagreements. Now Sylvia confronted Robert with regularity, venting decades
of pent-up rage. The children were also affected. Sylvia had reported that
her daughter had said: “Mom, you’re acting weird and dad is getting scared.
He’s afraid you’ll do something crazy — like take all the money and run
away.” Sylvia wasn’t crazy but she wasn’t the same woman. She told me that
her husband had once screamed at her: “What have you done with my wife?”
Sylvia had changed the rules of the relationship and no one had told Robert.
It is commonly believed that men leave their ageing, chubby, postmenopausal
wives for fertile, younger, thin women. This couldn’t be further from the
truth. Statistics indicate that more than 65 per cent of divorces after the
age of 50 are initiated by women. My suspicion is that much of this
female-initiated divorce is rooted in the drastically altered reality of
postmenopausal women. (But as I have seen in my practice, it could also be
because they are tired of putting up with difficult or cheating husbands and
have just been waiting for the day when the children leave home.) What had
been important to women — connection, approval, children and making sure the
family stayed together — is no longer the first thing on their minds.
When Sylvia found out that she was accepted into a master’s programme in
social work, it was one of the happiest days of her life. She hadn’t had
such a feeling of accomplishment since she graduated from college, got
married or had children. As a matter of fact, many women’s lives are just
hitting their peak. This can be an exciting intellectual time now that the
burden of rearing children has decreased and the preoccupation of the mummy
brain is lessened.
The contribution of work to a woman’s personality, identity and fulfilment
once again becomes as important as it may have been before the mummy brain
took over. Women with high career momentum in their fifties and sixties
scored better on measures of self-acceptance, independence and effective functioning,
and rated physical health higher than did other women. There’s a lot of life
left after menopause, and embracing work passionately allows a woman to feel
regenerated. Two years after their separation, Sylvia realised that she
missed Robert. He was the only one she could talk to about certain things,
including their children. One day he invited her to dinner and she decided
to accept. They met, talked calmly about what had gone wrong and ended up
apologising for the unhappiness they had caused each other. They also had
new experiences to share and over time they rediscovered their friendship
and respect for each other and realised that they had already found their
soul mates. They just needed to rewrite the contract.
The mature female brain is still relatively unknown territory, but it’s a wide
open place for women to discover, create, contribute and lead in positive
ways for future generations. And maybe even have the most fun years of their
lives. ©Dr Louann Brizendine 2007.
The Female Brain will be published by Bantam Press on April 2 for
£10.99. It’s available for £9.89 (incl P&P) from Times
BooksFirst (0870 1608080 or timesonline.co.uk/booksfirstbuy)
Gosh I'm so glad I never married or lived with anyone. Look at all the horrible things people are saying here. Better to live alone with my garden.
Thalia, London,
Clearly Robert was neglectful, but by swallowing her anger for decades Sylvia has contributed significantly to the breakdown in their relationship.
Stephen Clark, Boston, USA
Menopause - personally I found that period of time in my wife's life to be extremely beneficial to me. When it started, with all its attributes, I discovered all my own faults. I realized how much she did around the house, around the garden and especially around the two of us when we were together. I learned, very quickly, to offer solace, consideration and a little well constructed humour, along with the occasional massage, which would usually result in an 'early' night for both of us - nudge nudge.
Gentlemen, trust me, there is nothing to fear from menopause if you truly love your wife. Think back through your own history and count the number of times she has been there for you when you stumbled or even fell flat on your face (metaphorically speaking). Menopause lasted just over 12 months in our household. Yes it was difficult. Yes it was a strain, but we got through it TOGETHER.
Never a truer statement than "Love Conquers All" was ever spoken.
Ian Teague, Pine Mountain Club, California, USA.
No, men should not be afraid of the menopause, because there appears to be such a thing as the male menopause although nowhere near the same problem, just as long as partners communicate, discuss and understand the issue without resorting to bad language or physical responses. Problems tend to arise when we have the 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' syndrome and people use that attitude as an excuse not to try and understand one another. But, if the menopause leads to divorce then I suspect the relationship was already on rocky ground and unlikely to last; and, just as long as both sides realize that a partnership is a two-way street and both can decide to slip down a side road if one or either becomes insufferable.
Ken, Suffolk, United Kingdom
Better look for the culprit in modern society. Our mothers and grandmothers handled the dreaded meno just fine and kept together stately homes with up to five generations living in love and respect. Of course some words have just become empty shells in out modern dictionaries. I mean important words like honour, respect, sacrifice, loyalty, responsibility, duty, commitment, tolerance, understanding, patience, and decency above all. They've all been absorbed by those most plastic of all McWords: "Instant gratification."
Eugene, Heidelberg, germany
Oh, the glories of heterosexism!
David Russell, Sheffield, South Yorkshire
Dear Dr Brizendine,
I read your article in The Times (“All Change”) with great interest and will certainly buy your book when it comes out next week. The section I found particularly fascinating was the description of how women’s behaviour is determined by physical events in the amygdala – an organ over which we have no control, and which evolved well before the thinking parts of our brain. Have you reached the same conclusion that I have? … . That within 30-50 years, after the accumulation of example after example from brain scans, we will finally acknowledge that we are only physical organisms; that everything we thought our “minds” were doing is really done by the physical brain alone, without the assistance of a ghost in the machine giving it instructions; and that out with the bathwater will go the idea that we have free will, or can be blamed for anything we do. I have tried to look at where this will take us in a philosophical novel I wrote recently: it is called “An Amoral Philosopher” by E T Laing, and can be found on Amazon.co.uk. If you had time to read it (it is short) I would be interested to see if you could fault the logic. Meanwhile, good luck with you own book!
E T Laing, London, UK
"Bad behaviour", Neil? You mean no longer going "how high?" when their husband and kids say "jump" is classed as "bad behaviour"?
And Duncan, a lot of woman work very hard for their husband and kids, without getting paid, and without getting gratitude. They deserve what they get when they divorce (mind you, my ex gave me next to nothing, and I didn't want a court battle because of what it might do to my son. If I had been post-menopausal I probably would have fought tooth and nail).
Starling, Lancaster,
Very interesting that the majority of comments are from men. I thought the article explained why after 34 years of an unhappy marriage I now feel strong enough to go it alone. I dont consider my husband second rate but we have grown apart, now rthe children have left life is so empty and does not look like it will improve.
Jules, Eltham, London
Spot on. As I entered menopause I felt less inclined to necessarily prepare dinner every night - when the astonished mature kids wondered why - I told them I was now like their dad... I may cook if it amuses me, or I may not!
Mary Kapadia, Montreal, Canada
All the author is doing is justifying bad behaviour in women by saying 1). They aer put upon and deserve better 2). They are right anyway 3). If they are wrong it’s not their fault its their hormones/evolution or whatever.
As always women are perpetual victims and / or its all men's fault anyway. It's just pseudoscientific justification for the way women make sure they screw men out of house and home - if they can't produce any lies about abuse, then just shout 'hormones'.
It’s also just another justification for the modern cult of ultra-selfish behaviour that is so destructive of modern society.
Neil Murphy, cromer,
Thanks Mark from London. I'll put this to the current Mrs Leslie. I think I know what she will say. LOL.
David Leslie, Perth, Scotland
Your article describes my mother fairly precisely. She has gone from being a difficult person to being a difficult person who appears to not really give a damn, thus alienating my sister and me. She is now a duty and not a joy unlike my father who remains good value twenty years after they split up.
Arnold Ward, Weybridge, Surrey, UK
Decline of bonding hormones-oxytocin, vasopressin & oestrogen, make post-menopausal women both less ATTRACTED ,--and less ATTRACTIVE to men.
Biology IS destiny. Hence men's search for the younger women, whose hormones still function , along with the more attractive figure.
Women really ,really ,resent their loss of power that came along free with their youth. Claiming that they have achieved some new intellectual maturity that accounts for their declining interest in males is just denial,
The cosmetic & fashion industry represents a multibillion dollar effort to recapture that power.
w knight, Orange County, California USA
Reading this as one hot flush wanes and before another begins - trust me guys - this is not fun. These are hormones - not the real me. I wouldn't wish hot flushes in the middle of a board presentation on anyone!!!! I'm biting my tongue right now to remain the professional business woman that I am. I know it's my hormones so at least I can rationalise enough to be rational in front of colleagues and strangers. With my beloved husband it's harder as I need to express my anxiety somewhere. If I can struggle through his mid-life crisis - he can struggle with a few of my hormones....together we will survive and be happy forever!
Barbara, London,
The fact that divorce courts hand nearly everything a man has worked hard for to his wife is, surely, the most probably reason why women of all ages file for the majority of divorces. It's because they can basically rob the man blind and boot him out of his own house. This, of course, is why fewer men divorce their second-rate wives, for fear of being stripped of their assets. And, finally, this is why most young men (me included) will never ever marry.
Duncan, England,
*goes to book a hysterectomy*
But seriously, my mum has become noticeably less "caring" since her menopause, and, frankly, it isn't very nice at all.
Starling, Lancaster,
Articles seem to be written about women going through the menopause when their children have left home - like the one in today's Times Supplement. I see no articles about those who had children later and are going through this precisely when their children are entering adolescence. I would have thought that this is a trend that will increase if the statisticians are right with women having children later in life. There isn't much around about the struggle of menopause coinciding with the turbulence of adolescence!
Nicola, London,
The picture of confident, assertive, post menopausal women is often a true one. There are many benefits to such a release and re-energisation - but there is also a downside. It gives such women a belief in their own righteousness that can sometimes be damaging, not least in the area of public policy. Without the cautionary effects of apprenticeship or the evolutionary understanding of power that comes more naturally to males it is too easy to believe that policy is obvious and all clear sailing. Many of the failures of public bodies in recent years can be laid at the door such single-mindedness.
Bernard, Norwich, UK
Something must be missing in the education of our men. Does the phrase, "women are different than men" mean anything? The husband who told his wife to "butt out" of a conversation on buying stocks deserves everything he got.
However, I could be wrong. I've only been married for almost 51 years to the love of my lfe , my partner, my best friend, the mother of our four children and the grandmother of many.
Jim, Roscoe, USA
Another very solid argument against marriage for men. Even if you manage to keep her happy for the first twenty years you'll be faced with a completely new person for the last thirty. The chances of both of them liking you enough to spare you the financial and emotional excoriation of divorce is slim, and getting slimmer all the time.
Stay single chaps, and you can enjoy independence and financial security for life. Marry, and the majority of you will unformatunately end up binned, childless, homeless and broke.
David, London, UK
Exactly! How reassuring to younger women that think they're emotionally unstable.
Hazel, Manchester,
Having just been divorced - I now understand. It confirms what I thought. All that is needed is a way to explain it to the woman concerned and avoid continued unpleasantness. Or have I got that wrong as well?
Divorced, Cheshire
Elliott, Manchester,
no need to put up with second rate wives as you put it David Leslie, just make sure you
marry a woman at least 15 years younger and trade up for a younger model every 10 years and make sure you pick Hungarian, Romanian Czech or Croat. you will have a a woman with the body of an Angel who is a wonderful cook, a tireless nymphomaniac, a selfless mother, and a loving considerate
partner all rolled into one , and best of all the In-Laws live thousands of miles away !
Mark, London, UK
absolutely it's so liberating my marraige is better however since I stopped putting up with things so no festering resentment ,we are not acting weird we just won't accept being a non person in the family anymore
gillian millington, stafford,
Yet another 'knock the man' article. So a man puts up with PMT for 1 week in 4 for the past 30 years so the wife can disappear with half the pension just because she feels like it. What happens for all of thos men who have put up with second rate wives (not me fortunately)?
David Leslie, Perth, Scotland
At last someone seems to have written down exactly how I feel, explained the chemical processes that have been going on and reassured me that I am not going mad! Now I just have to explain this to the puzzled individual that is my partner.
Kate, London,
Although it is true that most divorces are instigated by women, let that not disguise the fact that in a certain number of cases (percentage unknown) it is actually the man who wants it, but the couple have agreed that she will instigate action, because he has no genuine grounds. This happened in my case, where I had to petition for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour in order to free my husband, although I wished the mariage to continue.
There is also still commonly a feeling that virtue lies with the party who petitions, whatever the courts may say. This person is the one who is seen to have been wronged. Things have not really changed so much from the days when a man would manufacture an incident of adultery in order to allow his wife to proceed.
alexandria, Sheffield, UK
What a depressing article. It paints a picture of women as downtrodden, subordinate dopes putting up with any awful (male) behaviour in order to hold onto their man and relationship until changes in their brain circuitry allow them to be individuals in their own right.
The other picture it portrays is of men who are selfish, insensitive and domestically stupid, not deserving of female company.
Yes, it's tough standing up for yourself and your individuality, whether inside or outside a relationship, but for goodness sake - you shouldn't wait for the menopause to live!
Lorraine, surrey,
Oh please! Spare me!
An article about menopause with a picture of a skinny wannabee teenager woman leaping like she's never experienced a bladder leak in her life!
I was so irritated I never even read the article.
Liz Pendlebury, Chester, UK
Thank you so much for this positive, encouraging article. Normally everything that you read about the menopause is scarey and negative. I am so pleased that there now seems more to look forward to.
Cat, London,