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From The Times
February 1, 2008

Where have all the men gone?

British women in their thirties want mates. They can’t find any. Why? Because most eligible males are selfish, mixed-up man-boys chasing no-strings sex, says our correspondent

Groom running away from brides
Laura Nolan

Men are like eggs. They must hatch or go bad. I came to this conclusion after seeing in the new year with a gang of university friends and hearing one of them, a single guy of 35 called Jamie, declare with complete sincerity that his resolution for 2008 was not to get a girlfriend.

I groaned. His vow struck me as odd, not just because Jamie is a remarkably warm, kind and entertaining individual rather than some ropey Lothario, but because I knew him ten years ago when he was mustard keen to marry his then girlfriend. And when I thought harder about it, I realised that over the past decade Jamie has effectively been degenerating from the man he was at 25 years old to the boy he is today.

The person who fell in love and believed that when you found a great girl you counted your blessings and married her has morphed into someone in search of nothing more than a bit of fun, who views any relationship that he can’t get out of at the ping of a text message with genuine unease.

Where have all the men gone? Instead, we have an overload of man-boys – which leaves a generation of single, thirtysomething women who are their natural mates bewildered. I am one of those women.

I am often told that our problem boils down to bad timing. In our early twenties (the age at which our parents tended to meet and marry), we, arguably the first generation of properly educated and professionally ambitious women, were not ready to settle down and start having babies.

By our late twenties many of us did end up reconnecting with our first loves, or met men of a similar age who were still young enough to want to match and hatch. But for those who didn’t, life is increasingly complicated – and infuriating.

The assumption seems to be that it is our fault that we can’t find “him”. I have lost count of the number of articles by female columnists that I’ve read, urging “career women” like me to get pregnant before it is too late. I want to point out that I work to eat, and that earning a salary funds the social life needed to meet new people.

What do they think we are doing? Take India Knight’s attack, in The Sunday Times, on what she called “the sweetly retro notion of mooching around pining for Mr Right as the (biological) clock ticks away”. “My advice to all my girlfriends is, just do it,” she announces. “Get pregnant. Don’t wait. Mr Right can turn into Mr Wrong overnight: there are no certainties.”

And we wonder why men are afraid to commit, when women like me are depicted as hormonally charged sperm-bandits interested in nothing beyond the urge to have a child.

Does society really want usto settle for Mr Only OK rather than the real deal? Marriage strikes me as hard enough work without saddling yourself with someone for whom you don’t quite feel all that’s necessary. And giving birth with your mother at your bedside because your child’s father isn’t that into you, or the baby, strikes me as far sadder than never getting pregnant at all.

Having lived in New York for five years, and compared notes with friends in other cities (Hong Kong, Paris and Singapore among them), I can assert that the attack on thirtysomething singletons seems to be a particularly English trait. In other cities we are left alone at worst, celebrated at best, and most people find someone at some stage, even if it is at the age of 40. In my view, London is quintessentially chauvinist, a state of affairs exacerbated by the City, the all-male drinking clubs, the pub and football culture, and the strong, albeit small, group of women who seem to treat marriage as their sole raison d’être.

But what of these Brit boys who fail to hatch by their mid-thirties? Do they really turn bad? They don’t necessarily become bad company – as long as the relationship is kept platonic. Many of my best friends are utterly charming bachelors, but they are also the first to admit that they are rubbish boyfriends. Interestingly, they also agree that this wasn’t always the case.

“Looking back, I can see a couple of girls I was ready to marry ten years ago. But I seem to have drifted farther and farther away from being ready since then,” one of them confided as his 40th birthday approached. “I felt a level of certainty about people then that I don’t feel now.”

Personally, I think an odd thing happens to man-boy brains at about the age of 30. Some neural pathway, hitherto well oiled through a diet of normal relationships and an awareness of such terms as “compromise” and “I’m sorry”, tunes in to a specific area of the brain labelled “navel gazing”. If it miraculously misses that zone, it veers into another equally exclusive area: “near-total romantic/emotional shutdown beyond the next 24/48-hour period”.

My last few years of dating reads like either a therapist’s dream or a dictionary of neuroses. On the neurotic front, one man-boy aged 32 had a panic attack at dinner, which he thought was a heart attack until we got to A&E and he was assured otherwise. Another wore a watch that monitored his sleep patterns.

More common, however, are those who insist on persuading you that they are the one you have been waiting for, only to run away the second you show signs of agreeing. One man rang me every two hours for a week to persuade me that what we had going was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, until I started to think that he might be right – at which point he told me that he was too messed up for a relationship.

Another invited me to Spain after one date, only to say at the end of it that it was “all too full-on”. Another couldn’t stop sending soppy texts, until I sent one back. All were thirtysomething, bright, successful bachelors. They had all had therapy. They all talked ad infinitum about their “ishoos”. But not one of them asked about mine. I listened, and either left, or they did.

Nobody expects these guys to settle for Ms Only OK, either, but it’s fair to say that most of them are not looking to settle for anyone – and, in fact, dating a series of Ms Only OKs fills the gap nicely.

“In theory I’d like a family,” says one. “But it doesn’t feel urgent and in the meantime I have a great life with plenty of sex – all on my own terms. Love has sort of disappeared from the menu. And yes, now I’ve learnt that I can, I mess women around in ways I’d never have done in my twenties.”

Horror stories from friends abound, too. “I spent most of last year with a guy who used to weigh me every day and refused to sleep with me if I got too heavy,” admits a colleague. “How bonkers was that? But the awful thing is that once you pass 36, you find it’s single men rather than single women who are the prize commodity.”

I don’t know of any woman my age (35) who hasn’t spent several years in love with a boyfriend, only to have to give up on the relationship after realising that children and commitment were not going to happen for ages, if at all.

Many of these guys would be living happily as husbands and fathers if they had taken the plunge. But they haven’t. So what’s the answer? Become more hard-boiled and accept that, in return for children, we will have to make do with someone Only OK? Go after men ten years younger than us? Or try bruised divorcés ten years older?

There is another option, of course. And that is that the whole generation of single man-boys start behaving like men. Meanwhile, everyone else could stop asking us why we’re not married yet, and wrongly assuming that it’s because we are so work-obsessed that we don’t want to be.

Believe us, we are not single through want of trying.

It’s a statistics thing

For every 100 females, 108 males are born in the UK. But owing to the higher mortality rates of young males, by the mid-teens the numbers have evened out. This remains the case until old age, when a surplus of women arises again.

In some big cities, including London, there are more women than men. There is debate about the reasons for this, but it is nothing new. The thirtysomething single status is new, however – mainly because women now leave it later to marry. In their mid-thirties they find themselves in a predicament, whether they outnumber men of their age or not.

A study I carried out on lonely hearts ads indicated that, while single females typically advertise for men three to five years older than them, men advertise for women of a certain age irrespective of their own. Their preferred age is 24 to 25. So the men that the women want are looking for women, but younger ones.

So should a woman in her mid-thirties be looking for a man in his forties instead? Perhaps – but only in his late forties. I was involved in research that looked at how the sexes perceive their market value – ie, what they think their “package” is worth to the opposite sex. The results suggested that males in their early and mid-forties overestimated their standing the most. They are getting richer at this age, and become self-deluded about what they can get in return. They also want to attract a twentysomething, but are less likely to succeed than younger men. Only in their mid to late forties, when their risk of death increases (they may be rich, but they may also die), do they become more realistic.

In short, women seem to hang on to the ideal, and many get lucky. But when they start wanting to settle down, they opt for what biologists call the Hobson’s Choice Strategy. In layman’s terms, they opt for something over nothing.

— PROFESSOR ROBIN DUNBAR
Robin Dunbar is Professor of Evolutionary Anthropology at the University of Oxford

The man’s view: try this instead

Most single men want love. But they are also terrified of failure, poverty and being trapped. They are scared of turning into their dads, or, if divorced, repeating their old mistakes. They are scared that their women will make them throw out their comics, their motorbikes and their dreams of writing novels.

It doesn’t really matter which type of man you go for – younger, older, divorced. What matters is that you go for him.

Personally, I think the divorced man is more realistic. He’s not like a young man who can’t commit because he yearns for a fairytale goddess whose heart he may one day capture. The older man just wants someone who won’t shout at him. If it takes her two minutes to get into the car, she’s ideal. If she’s giving, and laughs at his jokes, he’ll love her for ever. Give those bruised men a try. Stop expecting to find The One. Find someone, and give him love recklessly.

Or you can snare one of the single man-boys, but you must be cunning. You must wait for him to call but, when he does, you must be devoted and give him glorious sex in flattering lighting.

There is only one time when a man knows, for certain, that he loves his woman and will stay with her for ever: when she has just chucked him. The rest of the time he’s not sure. I remember the first time my wife said: “Let’s have children!” I knew that this was an historic moment. I must respond like a man. So I ignored her. Men’s heads are filled with confusion, fear and football statistics. And whenever they are made an offer, they always feel the negatives first – and if they can’t express them, they clam up like oysters.

In which case, trapping them may involve trickery. After five months – preferably during a three-day trip to Paris, so he can’t get away – you must say, lightly and just before sex: “I love every part of your life. I want to see you richly succeed. But you must marry me.” Then you must change tack and become very soft. You have touched on his deepest fears. Listen. Tell him to write that novel. Tell him that you love ELO. After a two-day sulk, which will be immensely wounding for you, he will begin to express his horrid, selfish fears, and thus you will be stumbling towards your perfectly imperfect life.

Try not to worry about what happens. Remember, there are also loads of men like me: the ones who hatched, and still went bad. We wish you luck. We wish you love. We’ll see you by the swings in five years.

— ANDREW CLOVER
Andrew Clover’s Dad Rules is published by Penguin in May

If there was love then Marriage is not required - I will always love the girl.

I'm not into sex - That clouds the relationship too much, It's usually the girls that brings it up before I ever do.

Marriage is an outdated concept - an trap that helps nobody but the lawyers if it goes bad.

James Madison, London,

Julie, the nastiness goes both ways. The article speaks about men like eggs which have gone bad. This does not seem exactly love to me. In addition, out of all the guys you have met for a decade, none of them was "right" for you? People who have high standards end up alone.

Pablo, Houston, USA

Gosh ... i cant believe how judgmental and nasty these comments are. Theres alot of hatred going on and a definate lack of love. God i am fed up now. Are there no good people left. I am thirty and single. I just presumed i had not met the right person yet.

julia, exeter, england

Men are avoiding marriage in growing numbers not because they have degenerated into selfish boys; but because they have wised up as men. Feminism has distorted the concept of marriage the world over. It is now too risky for men. I though everyone knew this already.

Robert, Oklahoma City, USA

Pablo, You are so right, the same thing happened to me. In my twenties when i was actually interested in getting married all the women I approached either looked at me in disdain and like you I buckled down went into business and now successful - all i hear is they want commitment! well too late

Stanley, Nairobi, Kenya

I'm a christian guy in his early 40's. I've never married, and rarely date - because I choose not to. Without being boastful I'm very good looking and get chased often by christian and non-christian women. I resent the view that most/all men , especially those who CHOOSE to remain single, boys.

Eric, Melbourne, Australia

You should look to yourself and your female cohorts befoe pointing the finger. The advent of the pill has changed womens behaviour. it's not us men who have changed - its the women. you want to have care free relations until the biological clock ticks in

zed, london,

When in my 20s, no woman wanted me. They were banging the bad boys. So I focused on my career. Now I am 37, with Ph. D, amazing job and sex life. Why should I marry with the 30-some who despised me 10 years ago, now that they are desperate? Ladies, stop whining. You had your time. Now it is ours.

Pablo, Madrid, Spain

This is bloody brilliant.
Finally, a voice of reason from my female, single peers!

AMY, Connecticut, USA

I have an idea for you ladies; early in the relationship tell your prospective male mate that you would never want the man you love to take on the risk associated with divorce laws and therefore you would insist on a pre-nupt that protects both of you. If your not after his money, you won't mind...

rcj, towson, usa

Psssh I'm a single MAN and I love it. You're a 30 year old career woman... sorry hun- too old and too busy for me.

Teegan, Ithaca,

What is a man-boy?

Eric, Leeds, Britannia

wow. we should rename this misogynist.co.uk. I've just turned 27 and split with my boyfriend of 3.5 years over the marriage/kids question because he didn't think he'd be ready for another 5-10 years if ever. Thank God I did before my market value drops any further!

anita, cambridge, uk

I'm a single girl, in my early thirties, with a demanding job. I would love to meet someone special to share my life with, a partner in crime. Does that really make me a desperate feminist with a personality flaw.

CJ, London, UK

The reason there are no more men like you father is because there are no more women like your mother.

Jeff, Charlotte, USA

The divorce court robbed me on behalf of my wife with a 62/38 split. The chivalrous judge didn't believe her income statement but still left her with a mortgage 9 times her income! Moral. If your male don't marry. You will pay both financially and emotionally. You will never trust again post divorce

jbgood, London, UK

Women start loosing their fertility (slowly but significantly) as young as 28. So of course their is going to be bias against women over this age, I mean some men kinda want women who can bear them children.

M Vindrias, Christchurch, New Zealand

From a heterosexual, non-feminist woman's point of view: I'm much happier ignoring men. Men nowadays have a hard time making decisions, have hang-ups, and/or not loyal.

Sorry guys, you are not as hot or wanted for marriage or for anything else like you want everyone to believe. So, don't worry too much about women chasing you around for that normal companionship.

As far as divorced men, doesn't matter. That previous marriage(s) carry quite a baggage into future relationships.

Theresa, SLC,

Pretty ironic that this author doesn't see how her article points out that it is not men that are the problem, but the women.

She pines for a man. Note she does not pine for someone who will spend long hours talking with her, or cuddling, or sharing a life with. She does not look for a man to treat like a king, to make him feel special, to earn his trust and be there for him, and likewise have him do the same for her.

Nope. She pines for a marriage and a baby. He is the means to an end. He can be anyone, so long as he can get with the program, doesn't have a life outside of her or talk about his "ishoos".

And also note that when the means to an end doesn't give her the means, she insults him. How does she expect to find men when she obviously doesn't like them?

Jen Kuhn, Prattsburgh, USA, NY

You said everything for me, fuguez. I'm nearly 25 and I learned that the 20-something women really aren't interested in
pursuing a serious relationship. I don't sleep around and I don't want to keep my future spouse pregnant, barefoot and in
the kitchen, but rather as an equal. They all want to hold you out at arms length while they get
'ahead in life' (which means what exactly?). And they accuse guys of stalling! They stall because these women give the impression
they aren't interested. Asking someone out takes a lot of courage (especially if you're awkward and shy like me), and after so many
'nos' you start to wonder 'Why bother?". I'd go after older women, but I don't want to be a 'toy boy' either, or date someone who is near
my mother's age (plus the fact that they have children near my age is a bit daunting). Where are the women??

I'm seriously reconsidering my previous restraint against online dating; there's no Russian equivalent for "feminism' as defined in the West.

Zach, Idaho Falls, USA

As time goes by the more attractive people, both male and female pair up, get married and have kids. Meaning that the remainder have a higher percentage of the physically or mentally unattractive left.
I recently divorced and remember from my mid twenties there were large numbers of women of a similar age who were single, fun and attractive - not surprisingly most of them are now married.
Now I find that the majority of single women in their late 30's have major personality flaws and it is patently obvious why they are single - nobody in their right mind would want to live with them. I'm sure the same holds true for the men too but as I'm not trying to date them I couldn't care.

BIll, London,

I was 34 when I married. I never thought I would ever marry. We lasted 9 years and had an amicable divorce, still freinds, and I am very lucky. To find that situation again in this lifetime? Not likley. It is not that we are Man Boys, we are not convinced this is a good business decision due to the continuing risk involved. Marrige is an extremley risky endeavor.There is not one woman I have ever dated (Which were Many.....) that I would ever think of marriage. I could see in advance the senario that would unfold....Most men do not have that insight.
When asked why I have not had children at the age of 55 now, I simply state, I have not met the right woman to have children as of yet. I have taken this family comitment very seriously, not like the rest of the world who pop out kids with multiple partners at the worlds peril. Maybe if Keira Knightley wanted to have our baby, I may consider it.

Stoneman, Oceanside, California USA

Welcome to the world you've made, marriage is just too damn risky, get it wrong and she walks off with all "YOUR" money.

If your so worried about babies then visit a sperm bank.... if you can find one with any sperm in now the law says they have to tell you who the man was..... like ai said welcome to the world you've made.

Enjoy.

Jim, London,

36 single, never married man here.

If you went to the bank with a business proposition and said the following.
- 50% chance of failure
- 70% chance of that failure caused by partner
- if the business fails, you will be pretty much asset stripped

You would be laughed out of the bank.

Time to wake up and smell the coffee ladies.

I will never get married. Ever.

I might settle down with someone, if i find someone worth settling down with, but there is no way i'm gonna bet my house and assets on the flip of a coin.

But as usual, some women like the article writer is willing to pin the blame for this on men when 70% of divorces are instigated by women.

Maybe you need to put down the little princess book, and take a long hard look at reality.

I'm older, wiser and in a better position to know what is good for me, and marriage ain't it.

Yet, somehow this makes me immature?!

Andy, Birmingham, England

No-fault divorce and the skew towards women in the settlements are big parts of this problem. The law as it works today in the UK makes marriage an unattractively lopsided proposition for any person wealthier than their intended, typically the man. A married woman has the ultimate trump card of threatening divorce and so has much less incentive to maintain her side of the bargain, creating a MASSIVE disincentive for men to marry. True, in divorce she could lose a certain quality of life, but rarely to the extent that a man does and frequently she will emerge wealthier than when she entered the marriage.
What's more, many men who were spurned in their twenties because they weren't perfect find that - at last - in their thirties the boot is on the other foot.
A possible solution would be compulsory pre-nuptial contracts where the default deal would reflect the relative wealth of the parties as it was before marriage and alter the current imbalance in child access arrangements.

Stephen Clark, Boston, USA

I'm a male in my mid 30's. Why would i want to give up my life and fun seeing that i am richer, wiser and i could now seduce women in the early 20's more easily?

Settle down? Maybe when i'm 45. But for now, its about making money, young women, fast cars, 6 days in the gym, parties and more importantly traveling around the world in the pursuit of fun. (You cant do this with a nagging with and screaming kids).

Do i have any sympathy for women? How many ways can i spell NO!

Alfredo Runi, London,

I am a 27 year old male and have a number of friends in their 30's.
It worries me that within the next few years I will gradually start to de-evolve into a selfish, self-obsessed "man-boy".
Its disappointing to see a seemingly intelligent woman succumb to another annoying male stereotype and proclaim it as some kind of golden universal truth.
No doubt you knew that after reading your article your fellow disaffected females would be clapping you on the back for your "insight".
Real men are tired of the percentage of females (notice how I don't label you all) that have fallen victim to their own misguided assumption that a rewarding and meaningful relationship is a given in life.
There are a number of us that would love to find a girl to devote the rest of our lives to.
We just tend to go for the ladies that aren't presumptuous and bitter enough to to assume we are all the same.

P.S. MOTD and maturity are not mutually exclusive

Amit, London, UK

Welcome to the glorious sexual revolution baby. Your now treated as an equal and the same as a man until your 30s... then reality sets in. Women are at greater risk trying to bear children at this age. Men are not. That man you are furious at for ignoring your attempts to drag in to matrimony? He can actually remember making those attempts when younger and being ignored by your sisters who "just want to have fun and experience all life has to offer without ties"... just like he does now. Those few extra pounds in his pocket that you turn your nose up at? Surprisingly enough, not all younger women turn their nose up at it. Face it, after years of telling men that you don't believe in the moral of the story of free milk and a cow, men believe you.

Damon, Chicago, USA

It's like you all want to punish an entire gender for the sins of only one or a few members. Maybe SOME men refuse to grow up, but some don't. SOME women want you only for your money, but not ALL. Just because I happen to share a gender with someone doesn't mean I share their outlook, values, or goals. You can't decry an entire gender full stop.

Julia, NYC,

Having recovered from a painful divorce, a friend asked me to go with her to a singles evening. So at the grand old age of 40, off I went. It scared the living bejaysus out of me. There wasn't any chit chat, banter or even fun. There was a checklist of - what job I do, would I marry again, would I want to have more kidsetc etc In the thirteen years I was married, all spontaneity seems to have disappeared. Have had a couple of relationships but (& it could well be my fault) they turned out to be as mad as a box of frogs. So, I have the happy sanctuary of my mates, attached & unattached, and there I'm going to stay. You women are just plain scary. nowadays.

Jeff, London/Paris,

Many forget that it was the feminists ultimate aim to destroy marriage - not just change it. A woman who is a feminist cannot complain that men do not want to marry as they are just doing what feminist wished themselves.

Rowan , Nottingham, UK

Underlines the old truism, "You can never change a man, unless he is in his nappies".

Toby, Calcutta, India

Laura Roberts: your argument is essentially that behaviour in marriage should be rewarded or punished as appropriate.

Yes I agree. It is the lack of that discipline which makes marriage unpalatable today.

Any woman can walk away from any marriage and for any reason , all in the knowledge that she will be kept for life. If her financial position reflected her behaviour then there would be an incentive to keep her vows. This argument applies to men too;- behave or lose.

No fault divorce is an impossible position from which to sell the ideal of marriage.

David Morrison, Airdrie, UK

The Atlantic Monthly has a great article on this "Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough."

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

"... I realize that if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I’m at the age where I’ll likely need to settle for someone who is settling for me. What I and many women who hold out for true love forget is that we won’t always have the same appeal that we may have had in our 20s and early 30s .... wouldn’t it have been wiser to settle for a higher caliber of “not Mr. Right” while my marital value was at its peak?"

Diane, NYC,

So, in summary, the article boils down to:

1) my life is not how I want it to be.

2) This is not my fault.

3) so someone else should change so that they are more to my liking.

Enjoy being single.

Ross Ignol, Seattle, USA


Nick - now let's think of this really logically. Why are the 70% of divorces initiated by women? What percentage of that would be infidelity on the part of the man? 50% at least? 90% probably?

I don't believe a woman or a man should automatically have half of what their partner has earned. But I do believe that if there is a breach of contract - and marriage IS a contract - then damages should be paid.

Now, only a cretin would get married and then disrespect his/her partner and their marriage vows by infidelity and - to quote you - "risking half of all his money and possessions on the toss of a coin." Well, a toss certainly.

Yes, Only a cretin would do that!

It is largely men who create this problem by breaching the contract. The choice is yours boys: stay married, or if you want to be with someone else, get divorced first and then be with someone else. No overlapping and deceit. Sad pathetic adulterer or strong, capable husband.

Laura Roberts, London, UK

Are we bringing up a nation of girls whose primary goal is to have a career and not a family? If motherhood were not regarded as some sort of secondary point to life, maybe this problem would not be as acute.

Arabella, Suffolk,

laura, have you considered the possibility that if you and your middle-aged friends can't find a nice man, the problem is you? I guess so, if you've read these comments! perhaps you're just no fun. although maybe the problem is with marriage and the courts too.

it's not that men don't grow up, it's that they are having a good time and can afford to be choosy....like younger women - isn't this precisely what you've all been doing? and you haven't grown up, you just got old, which means the physical imperatives are casting a shadow.

the real difference between men and women is that women buy impractical shoes. and then they expect sympathy when they can't walk in them and their feet hurt. I think you know what I'm saying.

a few correspondents have noted 50% of marriages fail. it is silly to look at this stat. I don't feel my marriage has a 50% chance of failure. because I take it seriously and married the right person. bad marriages fail, not half of all marriages.

jem, london, uk

Let’s think about this logically: 50% of all marriages end in divorce, the vast majority of which (70%) are initiated by the wife. When a man gets divorced our feminazi laws mean he loses half (or more) of everything he owns.

This means that getting married is – for a man - the equivalent of risking half of all his money and possessions on the toss of a coin. Only a cretin would do that!

I cannot get married as I have far too much to lose. That is why I intend to remain single, just like all my friends – bar one and he is married to a foreign woman. If you want more men to get married you must make divorce painless for them. This is so obvious that only those blinded by feminism cannot see it. If a woman doesn’t want the man, why should she have his money?

It was women who created this problem by demanding 'feminist emancipation' and only women can resolve the situation by now rejecting this. The choice is yours girls: sad spinster or traditional wife.

Nick, London,

Let’s think about this logically: 50% of all marriages end in divorce, the vast majority of which (70%) are initiated by the wife. When a man gets divorced our feminazi laws mean he loses half (or more) of everything he owns.

This means that getting married is – for a man - the equivalent of risking half of all his money and possessions on the toss of a coin. Only a cretin would do that!

I cannot get married as I have far too much to lose. That is why I intend to remain single, just like all my friends – bar one and he is married to a foreign woman. If you want more men to get married you must make divorce painless for them. This is so obvious that only those blinded by feminism cannot see it. If a woman doesn’t want the man, why should she have his money?

It was women who created this problem by demanding 'feminist emancipation' and only women can resolve the situation by now rejecting this. The choice is yours girls: sad spinster or traditional wife.

Nick, London,

When I was 22, a British Army officer, I was desperate to marry my girlfriend. I would have killed or died for her. She moved on and I was heartbroken. I left the Army and emigrated to the USA. 20 years later – long story - we reconnected in Edinburgh. She had fallen hard, never married, was living in a two room basement flat. She told me she dumped me 20 years ago because I had no money, then offered to become my mistress. I declined. Reason? I am happily married……and the poor girl had begun to look a little like a bullfrog. OK, what’s the point? Young men do fall in love, once or maybe twice. It’s an adaptive neurological trick that kept the hunter-gatherer father around for the key early years of his child’s life. From their late 20s on, many men never again feel that intense emotional attachment. 40 years of social engineering have encouraged women to reject young men’s affection during that brief time when they are willing to unequivocally commit. And here we are.

Mike, Boston, USA

After reading about half the comments, I have a question- why do writers keep saying "she got half my assets"? How about "he got half our wealth", wanted lots of their children's free time for visitation and resented paying child support? The mom got half our wealth, gets them every weekday to get them to school, cook, clean, do laundry, drive them everywhere (80 min. a day folks!), help them with homework etc, work to make ends meet and has no time or energy for anything else? Seems like mutual resentment has taken the place of appreciation for the role each gender has to play in raising healthy children and having loving communities. We're just all about money and sex aren't we?

Sheila, Abbotsford, Canada

Another lady gives her slant on men. If I were so presumtious as to do one of these self same articles, giving my views on "What's wrong with women," I would be excoriated by every woman who could pick up a pencil. Yet you perport to tell one, and all, about, "Man Boys." First, I'm happily married, have been for the last 48 years. One thing I've learned in that length of time, is that I'm thankful to God, that I found the woman of my dreams way back then. If I hadn't, I would more than likely be one of your man-boys. I can't even have a cogent conversation with todays woman, without her making it plain that she is my superior in all ways, social, intellectual,and sexual. The longer I live, the more I miss the ladies of my youth, who were my equal, not my unexcelled superior. I get my information from other men, I don't write about things that a man would not discuss with a woman. Try being a mans partner, not his psycologist, you might find there are a large plethora of "MEN,"

lee rader, pasadena , md.

This is brilliant:

"Many of these guys would be living happily as husbands and fathers if they had taken the plunge. But they haven’t. So what’s the answer? Become more hard-boiled and accept that, in return for children, we will have to make do with someone Only OK?"

So its acceptable for you to refuse to marry someone whom you consider "Only OK" - but if he refuses to marry you for the exact same reason, he's a "Man-Boy"?

JP, London, UK

Ladies: stop searching, start living.

star, Lancaster,

Kind of funny how women will throw away a good relationship for their need for drama, and then only when they are older and cannot get bad boys, then they want a serious relationship. I dated a single mother, who lived with her parents, was unemployed was we started dated, I'm a six figure salary guy, by no means perfect, but I was kind and caring to her, everything she claimed she wanted, and she dumped me at the drop of a hat to be with guys that provided serious drama. Just for casual sex. She sacrificed the wellbeing of her child, and upset her parents, purely for drama. And when she's in her 30s, she'll be complaining about how it's hard to find men, because of her own stupid decisions. She threw away what she claimed she wanted. So childish, and this has happened to virtually every guy I know

anon, USA, USA

70% of women who get married expect a divorce. One can fairly say that they plan a divorce from the very beginning. Marriage has become a business, a racket for women. They strip men of their assets, the very assets that made them attractive in the first place.
The career of many women has become a divorce career. They hop from one man to another, stripping them of their assets.

I am not attractive to women, because I do not have much money and dress cheaply. I look average. I expect these women to fall all over me, as soon as I have a bit more money.
Women definitely marry up. You never see a female doctor propose to a male nurse - do you? The opposite happens pretty often.
Men are definitely looking after youth and looks in women. The looks of a woman has a great value. In their late teens and early 20s their looks are their asset with the highest value, sadly most smoke, drink and party until their looks fade and then they wonder where all the men have gone.

Brian Williamson, London, Great Britain

I wish I could remember who the actress was who said that men and women should live next door to each other and visit frequently. I can't think of any good reasons why I should want to live under the same roof as a member of the opposite sex. I suppose it used to be a matter of economic imperative, but then people also used to share their beds with their children and their houses with their livestock. Everybody needs their own space and these days we can all have it. Marriage is a barbarous and wicked institution, really. It is odd that so many people are still so keen on iot.

Jim Robertson, Tonbridge, Kent

I'm 37 & never had problems getting men in my 20's. After coming out of a long relationship (my ex & I remain friends and were civilised throughout) I started dating again & found I got mostly guys in their early-mid 30's.

But it is different now, these guys have either had a hard time & cannot let go of grudges or want their mothers.

I go out for drinks & meals with friends but don't end up rolling in the street. I have sexual partners but don't sleep with everything that moves & I get male attention but it does seem that single men in their 30's & early 40's are on their way to bachelordom either through hanging on too tight to the past or to their mother's apron strings.

I live in France, when I moved I thought my boyfriend would find hopping across the channel for weekend visits fun but no, it scared him so we broke up. Having lived in Europe for 3-years I have to say my view of Englishmen has gone down mainly due to difference in mentality & the UK drink culture.

Claire, Avranches, France

Speaking as a bruised divorcee myself, you have to take the pragmatic view. Unless the balance of happiness and misery induced by the standard relationship ultimately falls to the happy side, the neutrality of the ad-hoc is the much better option. I do not think that women see things in such stark terms in general.

How many times have you been on the wrong end of a nagging regarding your personal habits, only to think "It wasn't lke this when I lived alone - I am really not doing anything wrong here".

Once one is older, one surfaces from the sea of procreation urge intoxication and the reality of living with someone, non-stop, until you die, seems less than inviting.

Steve, Reading,

"Men are like...."

And women are like gossipy little hens who like to stereotype and deride men, cluck clucking away in a manner where the reverse would be deemed unaacceptable.

Joe, Manchester,

Most women arent interested in marrying men for themselves , its usually because they want kids or a significant upgrade in lifestyle.No wonder more and more men look at women as cynical self obsessed and not a little greedy.Who wants to marry people like that?

micky d, newcastle, britain

Maybe, many guys are scared due to the fact the divorce rate is 50%+. They have had the opportunity to see many of their friends in uhappy marriages. Also, as the marriages end the men are parted from their children, real estate and hard earned savings.


Patrick, Niagara Falls

Patrick, Niagara Falls, Canada

Germaine Greer, a very famous feminist wrote a book called the female eunuch. It was a very huge success.
The book's main thesis is that the traditional, suburban, consumerist, nuclear family represses women sexually, and that this devitalizes them, rendering them eunuchs.
Now, the author of the Times Article claims that she needs men.
For us men it is a bit confusing to read at first that marriage is oppression and that women despise it, and then to hear exactly the opposite. A bit confusing - to put it litely.
See, in life one has to make choices: if one decides one thing, i tis difficult to do the exact opposite some time later.
Germaine Greer said in 2001 not having children had been the biggest mistake in her life. You cannot reject and despise men in your youth and long for men, children and the safety of a family when you are old.
Despite all this women decided to have sex with many men in their youth - men did not reject the offer.

James Maddison, Frankfurt, Germany

This one's easy... ladies, date a youger guy... seriously... both sides appreciate each other much more.

J, NY, USA,

Blame the "revolution"women now play around more than men,get drunk more than men,smoke more than men and if a marriage should go wrong no matter who is at fault the women always win, I know of cases where the woman has benn proved a liar ten times over the judges gave custody to the man but the woman just kept going back to court with expenses paid as usual by us mugs the taxpayer the man on the other hand had to pay all his court costs untill it just got too muchand he had to relinguish custody even though the courts thought it best for the child to be with his dad (the childs welfare is paramount don't make me laugh)
This is not to mention the money they can bleed from a man (mucca is a prime example) some women now make a succesfull career out of marriage, I am 68 y.o and would not dream of getting married in today's Britain

syd, LEEDS, uk

What I find humorous these days is that many "modern women" dating men in their 30s/40s actually prefer a man with a divorce in his past as opposed to one who has stayed single. Apparently, a divorce shows at least a past ability to commit.

Well, I am 36 and still single. I have not yet found the right situation and do not feel the need to settle for settling's sake (aka: stick a gun in my mouth a pull the trigger).

Good luck, spinsters.

Tom, Chicago,

But Suzanne of New York, you can keeping "wanting and demanding fidelity, maturity, intelligence and devotion" until the cows come home.

Men too have demands and they include a partnership of love (not a stupid transaction where they end up loosing all their money), sexual fulfillment, support, trust. Unless you can give me those things - and more, I will keep enjoying the "flip".

I am throughly enjoying being 32. I hump whoever I want whenever I want and the only commitment I have is to my black (overpriced) German convertible. why would I want to spoil that by getting married?

James Becker, The Big Apple, New York

I am 65 this year. My son is 21 this year. I raised him entirely on my own. If he asks me Dad what is the one piece of advice you can give me as a young man starting out in life - it would be this: NEVER MARRY.

Alan, Cardiff, UK

Lesley Harper, London All the men you mentioned as 'feminists' lived well over 100 years ago. Does it not occur to you that things might just have changed a tad since in the meantime?

Perhaps John Stuart Mill might now be engaging himself with the iniquities of the modern marital contract. Men who stay faithful and work hard can be penalised for their wife's infidelity by being losing their house, a massive part of their income/savings, and relying on their ex's good grace to maintain a relationship with their children. So little wonder men are increasingly circumspect about marriage. It's nothing to do with immaturity or narcissism - that's your department girls - it's self-preservation.

No suprise that the more thoughful and conciliatory posts by women on here seem to come from abroad, while English women just spout the usual feminist dogma and self-serving cliches about men.

JS, London,

Pretty sad reading, all of this.
A fairly poor journalist deliberately writes on a well worn theme for want of anything better to write, and gets a cheap and easy reaction. Men who think women are all psychotic, self-centred and "emancipated" golddiggers just waiting in some side alley to have children and steal all their assets, and women who have managed to reduce an entire sex to no more than a set of equally ludicrous and inapplicable male stereotypes. Not really representative of the world or even England at large.
I am successful city type on a 6 figure salary, just turned 32, getting married for the first time to someone I have been going out with for almost a decade (from way before either of us had any money), who is the same age as me. I love her, she loves me. We're both monogamous, and have always been straight with one another. No games, no war of the sexes rubbish. Not all men and women are whiny losers like some of the people posting here. Grow up - men and women alike.

Buck the Trend, London,

well, what a load of tripe. where the male of the species is concerned, the male understands 'now' that 'marriage' involves handing over half or more, of everything describable in court as assets, are women so blind that this fact must remain unspoken and so therefore cannot today be voiced in the print media?

frank o'shea, limerick, ireland

I'm happily Maried to a wonderful woman...
I'm 38 she is 36...and we have one spud (about to be two)...We earn about the same,however,she has more drive than me...I have even asked her if she would prefer me to stay home with the next spud...She loves it too much I think...We found each other early,however,our long courtship allowed me to see what both male and female friends went thru...This is only my experience but most guys love to compete,in some way,but not with a potential partner...They sate their competitive appetite on the other side of the white line,on the stage, at their job...doesn't matter where but it is generally the one place...When they make the big decision to share their life with someone they often don't like to compete with their partner on who cleans best,who cooks best or who is more romantic...You feel emasculated,belittled and compared with non-sensical moveable sets of rules enough...You give up...Women,be reasonable stop competing...Men share the load...!

Peter, Melbourne, Australia

It's an interesting debate, and one that I think frustrates both sides, at different times in our lives -- as ultimately we probably all seek the same thing.

I remember that in my 20's it was the woman who controlled the shots; and given that they were young, attractive and working I was prepared to chase. They measured the suiters and rejected the ones that fell short. I don't think I was treated as an equal.

Now, in my 30's the following is probably closer to the truth "you find it’s single men rather than single women who are the prize commodity.”

So it makes perfect sense to use this improved position to choose wisely -- which means probably a gorgeous lady in her late 20's, giving ample time to settle down and have children. Why rush it?

Maybe the ladies left on-the-shelf should pass on this hindsight to the current generation as they party away their twenties.

Colin, Melbourne, (before London), Australia

I love women to pieces & have only ever had great girlfriends that I could have easily seen myself living out my days with. Unfortunately though in my 20's they were either too old for me, too young for me or I felt I was too young & not ready for marriage. All of them without fail wanted marriage badly.
Now that I am 33, when I date women & tell them I am keen to settle down they run a million miles! It is so funny, I think I am going to have to go back to being a non-committal, lad about town to fool them in to thinking, he'll be a challenge to get him to marry me?! To be honest though, I could see myself not getting married now? Is it really worth the hassle any more - so many depressing stories...

James, London,

Women always complained despite being the privileged sex since thousands of years. Women have never suffered inequalities at work - they worked much less than men and that was a privilege. All the dirty and dangerous work has been done by men and ist still done by men. Most men do not know the concept of a career, most men have a job, which can be life threatening. Having a career is amodern idea that applies to a just a few people and apllied to even much less people 100 years ago. Women are mostly not willing to put in th erequired effort to have a career, which means working endlessly.
Women want quotas for the nice jobs (executive), but they never demand quotas for the hard and dangerous jobs men do, which are not prestigious, not well paid and do not offer a career.
Women never asked for quotas to get killed and maimed on the battlefield like millions of men have done to protect them.
Women have always been the protected, privileged sex.

William Miller, Brighton, Great Britain

Rebecca in Auckland: A similar thing happened to me, but I wouldn't allow myself to settle for an "okay" relationship. Go find that guy you're really meant to be with and let your boyfriend do the same. You still have more than half a life time to live, so why settle?

Leigh, Savannah, USA

I read all the comments and have 3 points.
1 Being selfish/unkind then whining you're lonely is stupid. I'm 25 with a good degree & career; a feminist definitely. My man likes me this way! But then I am also secure enough in myself to treat him like royalty; I cook nice meals and with his blessing, transformed his flat (as one commenter says, men like nests but can't build them). Which may be why he's also delightful to me.
2. It'd be nice if we earned more, but we've good prospects, if we start small we'll build up together. Working as a team we're each more likely to succeed individually anyway.
3. Every guy in my black book had to get HIV tests & court me for ages first. Of course I got frustrated but if you price yourself over the market you get an above-average "buyer" - better lovers too!

Recently I overheard my man getting his parents' blessing on proposing. And I've been proposed to already (by a rich then-33 ex, sadly Christian which I'm not); I must be doing something right!

Lizzie, London,

as a 34 year old female I can say, that I don't want marriage I most certanly do no want children.
I am happy with a couple of lovers and if i do get into a long term relationship (even that gives me the shudders) it will be and open one.
I did the relationship thing in my 20's and it just does not suit me, granted the lads were pillocks and I was not much better.
Life is a candy store - I like to Sample and have regular sweets.

caval, Melbourne, Australia

"Women are like milk. If they are still on the shelf when their sell-by date passes, they begin to curdle and go sour."

If someone wanted to understand why the UK has just recorded the lowest number of marriages since record keeping began, Ms Nolan and many of the female commenters here should make the cause so obvious that anyone not in a coma could see it.

A more suspicious and cynical person than my jovial self might look at this article and think that the real intention behind it is the opposite of what it appears to be - to actually make British women appear even more unattractive and make men even less inclined to tangle up their financial and emotional well-being with one of them.

This "Peter Pan" stuff has been around for the past 30+ years. If it was going to work, it would have long before now. To all those grrls thinking about raising the price of sex, I have 2 words - "Liz Jones." Like sour curdled milk, the day will come when you can't even give it away.

argyle, Blackburn, NCFM

This evening, French TV re-ran "Bridget Jones" with Renée Zellweger. Was a more despicable creature ever depicted on the screen? I think not. When one considers the success of this book and film, one can only conclude that woman are cretins. Also, they are boring, humorless and self-obsessed. Who would marry that?

Sarah Young, Paris, France

Reading most of the comments I find it so saddening that most men think that the reason all women get married do so in order to get divorced. You seem to complain and moan with every breath,playing the victim. I understand that some women can be greedy and cruel,but talk about tarring us with the same brush!
It seems to me most men think that a woman's value resides solely on how old she is and how pretty she is,and on your turn u seem to boffended by the idea that most women only want their money. We as a society should try to appreciate each other beyond what's on the surface.I know that there are some men,that see beyond your short age or pretty face and I think that most women don't go after men just because they're loaded. Women have their own money too,and I am angry at those that give women such a bad name,because we're not all the same.I've never believed most women were desperate to get married,especially not to someone so bitter like some of the ones i see on this board.

Line Larsen, Aarhus, Danmark


Many women today choose to act in a way that men find unattractive, by being:

-Sexually promiscuous (what man wants to marry a slut?)
-Masculine, almost lesbian-like (would it surprise you if I told you men prefer women, not men with breasts?)
-Excessively picky (just because you think you are perfect doesn't mean you deserve Mr. Perfect)
-Prone to divorce at the drop of a hat (great way to get men to marry you....)
-Likely to cheat (asking men to commit while refusing to commit yourselves)

In addition, women these days will take you for all you're worth
during a divorce and deny you access to your children afterward.
During marriage, they deny sex and nag incessantly.

Who wants that?

Can you honestly blame men for being averse to marrying you? Not if you are being honest with yourselves, women.

Only by looking critically at themselves will women see why men shun them for marriage.

Oda Kimura, Amsterdam, Holland

Oooooh that's hit a nerve hasn't it - judging by the comments above haha!! This article is so spot-on and rings true not just from my own experience but also that of many great girfriends. Guys in their 30s act like little kids and women don't want to date children (regardless of whether or not they want to have them at some point).

Grow up guys - and then maybe you'll be ready for a real relationship rather than having to ignore / sulk / run whenever you're confronted with anything more emotionally challenging than a Playstation or Match Of The Day...

Cathy, London, UK

Where did they go?

I went abroad, in my mid twenties and found out that there are better kinds of relationships with women than those which women brought up in the UK considered was their right, and which I found unsupportive, ultimately unloving, stressful, and just not fun. When I realized it wasn't me, it was British women, I never looked back. My marriage, to a non-British woman has just passed its ninth, very happy year and will last till we die.

Happily Married, London, UK

I am a 34 year old woman in a very nice 7-month relationship with a lovely if imperfect man. Before I was in this relationship my experience mirrored the author's to a T. Now, friends tell me their stories and I have guy friends who are in total or near total arrested development. Lovely friends, useless boyfriends. The problem is not feminism, to all the sexist blokes who responded to an articulate, honest and intelligent article with venom. It is narcissism. Selfishness. There was an older gentleman from Wales who wrote that with all the changes that swept society in the last fifty years, what suffered the most was love and romance. Love, in the sense that life is not all about YOU. Romance, in the sense that not all of life is about making money, or getting laid with the least cost possible. Why should women settle? No one says life is perfect, and there is no perfect being. But wanting and demanding fidelity, maturity, intelligence and devotion is perfectly legitimate.

Suzanne, New York, NY

OMG, I've already blogged on this thread twice. I guess soon I'll be accused of... well, nothing I haven't already been accused of before. I want to say something in defense of feminism (cease fire), which is getting a terrible rap here. Was the men's movement anathema? The civil rights movement a mistake? Women in the past lived their lives without feeling they could speak up about inequalities in the work place, their homes and the ways they were reflected in the media. There's a tremendous amount of bitterness reflected here in these threads suggesting these tensions still exist. Some
people think the existence of tension is a crime; perhaps we all need a pill for this too to erase all traces of awareness as Orwell said. Or perhaps we can try to find someone we can get along with, but it's disingenous to claim main-stream feminism broke the back of human relationships when they've long been fraught with complications all along.

It can't be the Eisenhower era forever or can it?

Elan Durham, Santa Monica, CA/US

Change friends!!Lower your male target!!!!!!! Enroll an online international date agency!! Go out with simpler men with normal jobs!!

Good luck!!!!!!

PS: Take these cues and if you strive with might and main, it's sure you'll make it!!!

Fabrizio, Rome

Fabrizio, Rome, Italy

Women should stop giving bachelors what they want- that is- no strings sex. I am completely sure that will make them grow.

Or I hope so!

Marilyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina

Women complained in the 60-70s about equality, oppression etc, let's not forget during this time men went to war in vietnam, no woman has ever been forced to go to war. But still it was women who claimed being oppressed not the men who got blown up in the jungle and devoured by mosquitos and slowly killed by agent orange. the men were draftees, they had no choice.
Today women have the freedom they asked for, "women need men like fish needs a bicycle", women this famous phrase was coined by your sisters, please ahere to it. You made your bed, now sleep in it. The bed is exactly the shape you wished it to be.
Men are useless for women, you told us for decades, do not complain if we act accrdingly. By your own words, marrying you the liberated women would be oppression. Modern men respect women and their freedom, so we do not marry them.

David Watson, Edinburgh, Great Britain

Women use children as pawns to hide behind them and extract money of men, they call deadbeats, despite them working hard and never have the right to see the children.
These women are the real problem and more and more men avoid them altogether or just have fun with them.

Richard McFarlough, Berlin, Germany

Marriage or a commitment that includes children is a disaster waiting to happen for men and children in 50% of marriages and 50%+ of cohabitees.

Men are third class citizens regarding their children and finances when a split occurs.

Men entirely rely on the goodwill of their ex, whether or not they can have a relationship with their children after the split. Children are in huge numbers denied a full relationship with their fathers after separation/divorce.

1 in 3 of children in poorer families do not see their fathers as immediate family or in their lives at all, the figures are 1 in 4 on average.

You have to be a brave or more apt, foolhardy man to get married and/or have children as it will at least 50% of the time end up with the removal of your children and the bulk of your assets.

The author of this article is the last person any guy should contemplate a long-term commitment with, her superiority and disdain for men is clear and she will likely turn in an instant.

Jeff, Surrey, UK

Where are all the men? They're still around, but have learned the lessons of women from their fathers. We know that women will quickly divorce and leave us penniless. Didn't a Beatle have similar problems with those type of demands recently?
I'm single and intend to remain that way. No selfish, mercenary is going to fleece me. Commitment? Commit to penury more like!

David Fletcher, Perth, Western Australia

Hi. This article has absolutely infuriated me. Although they are fewer and fewer in number these days, chances are that those young women who were loyal, caring and didn 't spend every friday night gyrating on the dance floor with looser after looser would have been married to a decent guy way before 30.

The 30+ somethings still single are most likely the ones who spent their youth sleeping their way through the premiership football league, drinking, smoking and doing drugs. Well ladies, you made your bed and now you must lay in it. Can the author of this article please tell me why i would want to marry a woman who has a past like what i have just described? Sure, i will have sex with you, but marry you? come on, get real.

Daniel, Huddersfield,

I went out with 24 to 26 year olds for over a decade. I married my wife once I realised that I was the love of her life - despite her being sufficiently aware to know better!

Arnold Ward, Weybridge, Surrey, UK

First, most of us regret some path not taken -- job, marriage, etc. It’s part of life. As for Mr Only OK … why not? You wouldn’t refuse to start a career because you can’t find the perfect job. You take the best “first job” you can get and try to shape your career. Nolan ‘works to eat.’ She might rather be a best-selling novelist, but she decided to take the best writing job she could get and make the best of it. I know women who married Mr Only OK in their 20s and are still married and have had careers as well. As far as I see, they are all as happy as or happier than the women who wouldn’t settle and ended up alone. You don’t mold a man like a career but you can make the best of marriage to a "decent but not perfect” husband. If you wait ‘til your late 30s, you may be more likely to marry Mr Only OK, if you marry at all, because you are actually likely to have fewer choices. Most women in their 30s are not going to have a Bridget Jones outcome.

Diane, NYC,

The problem began with Germaine Greer and all that nonsense about the female eunuch. Women's lib encouraged women to lead a life of no strings sex. So, why is it a surprise that men have accepted this attitude and practise it themselves?
If women want men to change their attitudes, they have to change theirs. Rescue your bras from the flames ladies and start wearing underwear again.
You'll be surprised how well men will respond to women becoming 'human' again.

A.G. McFarlane, Bucharest, Romania

As a 27 year old male who has been ready to commit for a while, I can understand why men who are single in their 30's wish to stay that way. I spent my younger years playing the field and enjoying no strings sex, but since I'v stopped and made a concious effort to find domething more meaningful, all the women I have encountered have not been ready for anything and I end up hurt and a little more dis-illusioned than before. The womens ages range from 20-30 and have varied from students to city professionals.

I have to say that if this pattern continues into my 30's I can't see myself being too keen too commit.

Daniel Cohen, London, England

Dont give up Laura. When you say "In our early twenties (the age at which our parents tended to meet and marry), we, arguably the first generation of properly educated and professionally ambitious women, were not ready to settle down and start having babies", you have hit the nail on the head. And correspondingly, your male friends at that age, who were probably quite ready to get married, were the first generation of young men to arrive at adulthood and find out that the generation of women their age were "the first generation of properly educated....yadayada.... not ready to settle down and have babies". However these young men who might have married found out that the same girls who were busy 'having it all' were happy to have boyfriends - so your male contemporaries got used to no strings sex. A bit of a shame how it all went wrong.... blame feminism! But dont give up! (I'm a 39 year old ex man-boy, 18 months ago, I married someone 10 years younger)

James, Paris,

Perhaps all the comments here could be turned into some kind of advisory booklet for anyone contemplating marriage.

Geoffrey, Sydney,

when i met my wife she was a full time student. For 3 and a half years i supported her and her daughter. When she became employed it was, for the first 3 years, at very low wages as she established herself. Now her salary is more than mine and, surprise surprise, doesnt she make sure i know it. She demands that she makes all financial decisions, although we used to discuss these , and whenever we have a fall-out as all couples do from time to time she immediately threatens me with divorce, adding that I will have to leave her the home since our daughter is hers not mine, and then gloats that I would only be able to afford some 1-bed flat without her money.
If, or should that be when, this marriage ends there is no way I would ever again commit myself to a relationship, assuming anyone would want a man in my position.

Kevin Turner, Londom,

It's all about money, honey!

earlier it was

"For better or for worse"

now for the woman it's:

"For better or for PURSE"

Benjamiin Alvares, Mumbai, India

In places where 'no-strings-sex' is not so liberally distributed by young women, men still have to earn their right to sex by building a relationship with the woman first. This also entails exerting himself to prove he can afford to support her/ maintain her/ match her income ......ie is worthy of her.

Traditionally this is what has reined young males in , even in the UK up til quite recently.......I am actually quite liberal, but it baffles me that younger women think they can expect men to 'commit' when the men can so easily move on.

People seldom value what is free. People appreciate things they have worked hard to earn , and to hold on to. 'No-strings sex' spoils it for everyone.

Anna, Singapore,

I have 4 basic pieces of advice for women who want to find a male partner and have children.

1. Satisfy your mans sexual needs (and make sure he satisfies yours).
2. Learn to cook. You would not believe how many men appreciate good home food but c'ant be bothered to make it themselves.
3. Make a nest (men can't but like to live in one).
4. When you have children look after them well. In my opinion there is little that turns a man off more than seeing a women who cannot deal with her own offspring.

What qualifications do I have to offer this advice I hear you ask. None really, except that I'm 44, happily married and have 5 kids.

David, Kuwait City, Kuwait

In 1950's Britain the marriage contract read "I marry you until death us do part".
21st century Britain's marriage contract reads "As an empowered woman I hereby promise to remain married to you for only as long as it suits me, if I tire of you and find someone else then you will have any children taken from you and you will be financially ruined".
Any guesses as to why any young man might be reluctant to marry.

david webb, bournemouth, uk

We Americans have been struggling with the same demographic shift, though I was under the impression that we had it worse. When I observed European couples in and around NYC, it seemed they got hitched a decade younger than we did, while still in their twenties.
Today is my birthday, I am 45 years old. When I got married in June '98, I was already 35 and worrying about my fertility. But after 8 months of trying I became pregnant naturally and had a beautiful, remarkable boy. My husband is five weeks my senior and was already divorced, having married at 23. While he did suffer economic setbacks and had debts, he and the ex didn't have children and he was prepared to make a fresh start.
More than anything, marriage requires two willing people. The rope-a-dope strategy is not recommended. I'm reminded of the recent Italian movie "L'Ultimo Bacio" which looked at a group of young men about to turn 30, and where they each were in their lives.
I see marriage as a pact, a sacrament.

Carolyn Bongiorno, Glenham, NY U.S.A.

What goes up.... must come down.
What goes around comes around.
Nice phrases. But they are true.

It matters not what women say or think.
What matters is to get the most out of life. There are many ways to accomplish that: marriaga not being one of them.

Men's life expectancy is on the rise and rising faster than women's. We can postpone marriage and kids yet another twenty years or so.
I know men in their sixties who bacame fathers for the first time.
And they love it because they have plenty of time on their hands and they are no longer afraid of the corrupt justice system.
Men have now the upperhand in reproduction: nothing starts until we say O.K.

We now have the ultimate last word in reproduction because we can wait almost indefinitely. Let's use that power and have fun in the meantime.

up and down, upton , uk

Get yourself a Russian girl, fellas. They tend to have a far greater grasp of reality than ours do, and are mostly a lot better looking too. If you can hold down a reasonable job, look after them, aren't alcoholic and stay faithful to them, they are happy as Larry. No wonder all the expats over here get hitched!

Howard Gethin, Moscw, Russia

There are definitely desirable and commitment-friendly men out there - but the lady in question has to genuinely want to be in a serious relationship and be consistent herself in demonstrating "partner-worthy" qualities. The men I know are quite sensitive and can tell who is serious about a relationship and who isn't. Almost all of my good friends (I'm 33) are in seemingly very happy (not perfect, but good) marriages; I'm not married, but dating someone who challenges and intrigues me in good ways. Be open to others (even the ones who on the surface may not seem "perfect") and consistent in who you are - you'll find a match.

Lea, Houston, USA/TX

Why buy the cow when you can get all the milk you want for free?

David, Rowlett, TX

Maybe what we are now seeing within British society, are the effects from high divorce rates, single parenting, women behaving similar to men where sex is concerned, pressures of looking like a supermodel for the rest of ones life, and being successful. There is nothing wrong with most, but somewhere in between love and romance went out the window or perhaps people in general are afraid of commitment and run for the door at the first signs of difficulties. Love is about being there through the bad and hard times as well as the good. Appreciating what we do have is often overlooked, until it is too late and it is no more. We can not always plan our lives down to the finer details. As a grandfather of 2, at the age of 49, I am very happy with my life. It is great seeing my own children settled down and happy with their own families.
All the efforts made when I was younger are worth it and I would do it all again. Maybe looking in different social venues may be your answer!

Mark Harris, Outer Swansea area, Wales

I love men. Love 'em, love 'em, love 'em. Never had a problem with them. Had marriage proposals from all of them and eventually accepted one from the loveliest one. 17 years later and one child I am happy. Still love them men though.

Women should take a long hard look at themselves. They may well be not as nice as they think they are.

LindaC, Melbourne, Australia

Hi Laura

I have heard this complaint before and I understand your puzzlement. Clearly, you are looking for men in the wrong places. When you reject one, you seem to be returning to the same place, and unsuprisingly find the same type of man. You need to break the cycle.

Stop shopping at supermarkets. Move to a country with roaming wildlife. Learn to hunt with a bow and arrow. Wear a bronze bikini.

These simple steps should help break the cycle and encourage a source of appropriately manly men.

Days, Top End, Australia

Its the same here in Australia, women can have any man they want when they are in their 20s. They act like they can too which is a bit of a turnoff.
The girls are big into game playing in their 20s leading guys on with flirting just to get an ego boosting response, milking free drinks from guys etc.
The problem with girls in their 20s is that they think they are going to be this desirable for ages. But the 30s creep up sure enough and the blokes who they rejected at 22 are now enjoying dating women younger than them while they complain about men not wanting to commit.

Any guy is gonna want to go out with a fit woman in her twenties than a desperate woman in her thirties with too many miles on her clock.

Make hay while the sun shines girls - commit too. Cos no man wants to marry yesterdays model.

Jim, Adelaide, SA

Laura,whining is most unbecoming,as is casting blame and belittleing the very creatures you claim to be in want of.Men are much more than men/boys,but your hateful patterns of thought will not allow you to see that.The unfair divorce laws of today in western countries have certainly had an effect on men,but I think that even more damageing to women and their prospects of marriage is the fact that these laws have given women free reign to behave in such ugly ways,and men see women for what they are,and they are filled with dislike and revulsion.It causes them to WANT to treat women badly.Stop blaming men for your problems,you brought them on yourself.And do not think it is to late for you to have a rewarding life with a fine man,it is not.But you need to develope a friendly and decent outlook toward men,and I believe your life will change.An EDUCATED woman such as yourself may consider this silly,but "you can catch more flies with honey-----"

hugh, houston, texas

Some good stuff here especially from the men and from the mother.

We all know that women are better baby makers in their 20s than their 30s but he likes of Nolan chose not to do that. They spurned the nice guys who would have liked to settle down.

Those guys have learned about women's wiles and now Nolan is hoist with her own petard and her younger sisters have taken her place. As ye sow so shall ye reap.For the record, all my friends who married before 30 are still with their wives and enjoying their grown up children

Peter, Singapore today, Glasgow tomorrow

Im 28 and do not believe I shall ever marry. I once believed that i would like to in my early twenties but now am becoming convinced that it is just not worth the hassle.
Why would I want to marry a woman who would at some time in the future divorce me and take the house, kids and income. What would i have left? Nothing.
I use to hold marriage as something to aspire to. Now I see it as a contract which has a high probability of being broken and the man left to pick up the pieces. Why would I ever want to bring kids into the world when if the wife decides shes bored and takes them and the house and part of your income.
What scares me is having my kids seperated from me so I have decided not to marry or have kids.

I just cannot trust women to do the decent thing and stay married. Women can be quite eager to get divorced knowing they can take the house get child support and keep the kids. All they lose is the husband they don't want anymore.

Men lose too much in marriage

Jim, Adelaide, Australia / SA

The problem is women like you who have a gold digger attitude and expect men to be wealthy, have a job they can parade to their friends, have a 1 million house and money to take you out to fancy rip off restaurants. Maybe fall in love with a man regardless of his status,London sucks big time I know and British women living in London with a job that pays them more than £40.000 are materialistic and draining for a man to cope with

Rod , New York, USA

We men in the US get tired of being married a few years, and then she wants a divorce. She gets everything. We get the bills.

I'm 45 and almost ready to retire. Why would I want to get married and risk having some woman take all I have?

Warren Trout , Seattle, USA

If a male writer announced that modern women are defective because they aren't giving modern men what they want, the writer would be rightly denounced as sexist. Yet again and again I read articles by female writers declaring that modern men are defective because they aren't giving women what they want. Ladies, the life men want to lead is entirely up to them. They do not owe you marriage and children. If they do not want to settle down with you, that does not mean that they have failed. It means that the life they prefer is one without you. Men, just like women, have the right to choose the life that suits them best regardless of whether other people like it or not.

Greg Long, St. Louis,

You write "Marriage strikes me as hard enough work without saddling yourself with someone for whom you don’t quite feel all that’s necessary." Stop pretending this is some horrible sacrifice on your part!

True Love is not an emotion, it is an action. Marriage is not about the individual happiness of the two adult members but rather the stability of the family unit. Romantic love (i.e. Mr Right, Soulmate etc) is an illusion first crafted by medieval troubadors.

Authentic love involves accepting our husbands(or for men wives) as the imperfect creatures they are. Not nagging them when they don't live up to our childhood fantasies. Happily doing things that benefit the other, even if we don't want to , or find it tedious or demeaning to do so. Real marriage and real love are about survival of the species, creating a stable family unit. That is all. It 's not about having the butterfly feeling in your stomach, exciting nights out, fancy dinners, jewelery, roses etc.

Mandy, Lawrence, Kansas, US

There will never again be a golden time for men and women.
in the west.Women wanted it all,got it all and are now moaning because they find that life is not all it's cracked up to be.The worst thing of all is that the white race is dying out and
our fathers and mothers values and creativity are being lost.
Either women can accept that things have gone too far or
they just really don't care in which case why bother fighting
wars?

michael savell, eastbourne, uk

What a pathetic lot of people many of these male contributors are. Has it never occurred to them that the vast majority of the earliest feminists were men? Daniel Defoe, John Stuart Mill, the Marquis of Condorcet.....they all had the magnanimity to recognize that women were, and had been throughout history, subordinated and abused for a variety of different reasons. And has it not occurred to them that the anti-male divorce laws that they complain about so bitterly were drawn up, debated, and passed almost entirely by men? And why should that be? Why is it that when secretaries were men, the occupation was highly esteemed and well paid, but as soon as it became a job primarily done by women it acquired low social esteem and became associated with low intelligence? If women had anything like fairness and equality, there would be no need for such laws, designed to protect women, because they remain, as ever, weak, vulnerable, and undervalued. Clearly, some of these men are beyond hope.

Lesley Harper, London, UK

I have sworn to myself that I will never marry, and in my mid-twenties got sterilised for my own 'protection' (i.e. control of my own life).

I have been a serial monogamist for the last 10 years and really am not interested in any more than that.

It seems men aren't allowed to be men anymore; we are merely destined to become the providers (of status, wealth, support, children) for women. Quite a pattern emerging from all the male comments on this page who almost ALL agree that:

- marriage is no longer an attractive proposition for men
- divorce ruins a man's life but not a woman's
- women expect to have their own way ALL THE TIME
- that single life is actually fantastic for guys
- that women have lost a lot of their attractive traits, but have gained the worst traits of young men
- that British and American women are the most unattractive propositions of all, largely through access to glossy magazines and shows like Sex In the City

Alex McGregor, Plymouth, UK

laura, have you considered the possibility that if you and your middle-aged friends can't find a nice man, the problem is you? I guess so, if you've read these comments! perhaps you're just no fun. although maybe the problem is with marriage and the courts too.

it's not that men don't grow up, it's that they are having a good time and can afford to be choosy....like younger women - isn't this precisely what you've all been doing? and you haven't grown up, you just got old, which means the physical imperatives are casting a shadow.

the real difference between men and women is that women buy impractical shoes. and then they expect sympathy when they can't walk in them and their feet hurt. I think you know what I'm saying.

a few correspondents have noted 50% of marriages fail. it is silly to look at this stat. I don't feel my marriage has a 50% chance of failure. because I take it seriously and married the right person. bad marriages fail, not half of all marriages.

jem, london, uk

Laura, I haven't read all the other comments, but, please do yourself a favour and read Sam de Brito's response from the Sydney Morning Herald. He will give you the man's (or man-boy's) response to your point of view.

As a guy in my late 20s, with many single 30 something (male and female) friends, I do see women who have left it to the last minute to commit and now are trying to cram 10 years of finding mr right into 10 minutes (speed dating anyone?). I don't blame either of the sexes for this problem, but after these women have been enjoying themselves on a free and easy basis for the last 20 years, I have no wonder that their male contemporaries are used to this behaviour and need some time adapting to the change in their world. Unfortunately for some women, this adaptation may take longer than the body clock allows.

Dan, Doha, Qatar

Sam's article can be found here: http://blogs.theage.com.au/lifestyle/allmenareliars/archives/2008/02/a_reply_to_the.html

Dan, Doha, Qatar

Chloe of London.
If you are emotionally ready for sex then you are emotionally ready for marriage. What you are doing in taking boyfriends and then rejecting them because they are too serious is pure stupidity, and you are extremely likely to end up in your thirties rejected and with no-one.
At 20-odd you've got a strong hand. Wait until you can say "I want to be with this person for the rest of my life". It is possible to make marriage work. 50% don't get divorced.

Malcolm McLean, Bradford, UK

English women are the most unattractive women in the whole world, also they have a really annoying accent that makes them sound patronizing.

Tom, New York, USA

The Times, I am very disappointed.I am sick to death of man-bashing articles and women constantly claiming victim status, basically blaming men for their inadequacies and bad life decisions.you have the rights, now take responsibility.
Perhaps introspection and attitude change toward men might help Laura meet a partner who will be with her. Selfish Laura had it the way she wanted in her 20s, played the field, turned down multiple men who could have made her very happy, and with her attitude, very probably enjoyed the feeling of power she got from doing so.Painful now that the men,once willing to commit,have the chance to do this,isn't it?Also, love and respect does not flow from a man who is treated like a commodity or lifestyle accessory, or cash cow once divorced.
I'm 24 and seriously considering never marrying.With women like you,esp., it's a very bad option for men.This may well change,as I am now committed to a scandinavian woman who is prepared to give to a relationship.

Dan, London, UK

as ive read all this, ive got depressed. im in my early 20's, and yes i broke up with a guy because it got too serious and im young and want to enjoy my life. these comments and my own life experience have led me to conclude that...
SOME women screw over men because they want money and children and men are only the means to get it.
SOME men screw over women because they realise they can enjoy themselves more if they are single.

infact, it seems that theres a role reversal coming; men-boys as she puts it in the article are basically the women of their 20s. personally, this is partly what has left me in a paranoid state, i dont want to settle down, im scared of love, because i see that i will settle down and be happy then the guy will leave me at 30 cos he realises im saggin and boring and there are attractive younger girls out there that are more than willing to 'entertain him'. catch 22..?

Chloe, london,

Many men don't want to commit to a long term relationship or marriage now because they are more aware of the consequences of divorce, or breaking up. The woman moves in with you, perhaps leading to marriage, then there's a 50/50 chance of having a divorce, whereupon the woman asset-strips the man to the tune of half of his wealth, which is not fair. Many men thus avoid long term relationships or marriage to protect their own hard-earned life savings. If marriage was just about love, then more men would get married.

Ken Barker, Gloucester, UK

Men and women are only compatible in a pre-industrial age world. Marriage was a survival conract as much as anything. Love & happiness took a back seat. Now women get married for emotional gratification and men marry to get laid steady, at least young men and women. As a man, I can state that until I was 45 I was completely incapable of being responsible for a womans emotional gratification. I was however completely capable, from a young age, to be a provider in a pre-industrial world and my woman would have loved me for that back then. I would have loved my woman for her role in the family.

Today marriage doesn't work, it simply can't work. The proof is all around you. No gender is to blame. The good news is that as a man I do Single better than a woman who is always more comfortable in a relationship. Men generally want freedom. This shows in politics. A woman will trade her Liberty for security (from the state) in a heartbeat. A man craves liberty.

Gilly, Lawrenceville, ga

"British Women in their thirties can't find mates. They can't find any. Why?"

Errrr....is it maybe because they're not attractive?! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Andy, London,

Men don't commit because in their randy days, they weren't earning much and were pretty immature, hence the boozing, porn-obsession, etc. Not the type to get the girl.

Now they (we) are older and hopefully not as boozy/porn-mad and a bit more mature, we can give back what we get!

John, London,

I sympathize with the author. She is looking for, basically, a traditional man, one who puts family first, is willing to work hard and sacrifice and save and behave like not just like an adult but a faithful committed married man from the age of 21 or 22. As a single, never-married 40-YO man, I have seen the same problem; I have yet to meet a traditional women, one who wants marriage and kids at 21 or 22, and is ready to sacrifice and skimp and save and remain faithful and committed and live a traditional lifestyle of taking care of children and home and be modest and easy to live with and....

You get the idea.

The author seems to be seeing only what she wants. It takes two to tango. If the average woman were a traditional kind of woman, the average man would be a traditional kind of man. But such is not the case. You can't get toothpaste back in a tube; my advice to her is learn to love being single. God knows I have!

Matt, Rochester, NY USA

Simple test - would you sleep with this person without using contraception ? If the answer's no, then why sleep with him/her ? You know they're not that keen, reliable, responsible etc to parent a child and/or you're not that into him/her either so move on and fast because biologically both sexes need to be having children in their 20s NOT 30s (it's not easy for men either !). Simple priority for young adults - get yourself into a situation (social, financial, emotional) so you're able to have children as and when it happens (it really isn't the big deal it's made out to be and what kind of crazy society are we living in when the most basic biological act is seen as a disaster !?) . Be creative and imaginative about this and be creative about the nature or your relationship with the other parent - you don't even have to live together, all you have to do is co-parent. If it goes wrong NEVER get nasty about the other, maybe even get back together again but in separate houses - why not ?

Lisa , Paris, France

Yes, "rationalist, london", every man who isn't interested in dating vapid, self-absorbed modern women is clearly afraid of women who are independant.

I'm sure it helps you sleep at night.

Jim, Ayrshire,

"Most twentysomething women want little to do with twentysomething men, preferring thirtysomething men"

Not me! When I was 22, I wanted to go out with other 22 year olds; likewise when I was 24, 25, and 28. They were my peers and my friends; I had things in common with them, so that was who I enjoyed dating, even if I didn't meet the right person for the long term.

Now that I'm 30, I want to go out with with thirtysomething men. I've met plenty, both online and in three dimensions, who are great guys. By "great guys" I don't mean Bratt Pitt with a PhD and a trust fund, but nice and normal men. They want the same things we want: to meet someone they can love, regardless of age. And even if we don't find it in each other (I haven't yet) we can have fun looking. Laura, it might sound like Charlotte from SATC, but I swear, they are out there, and they're looking for us too - let's just give them a chance!

Nicola, London (via Dublin),

I find it a hilarious logical absurdity that women who are frustrated with relationships think that putting down men and belittling them, and treating them like children will get them to change their minds. First off, we are not "man-boys", we are realists. We don't want to marry because we've heard of the countless plethora of no-fault divorces and false abuse claims that rob a man of his entire livelihood. If you saw a puddle of quicksand, would you walk into it? A lot of us don't think it's worth taking the risk. As well, why the hell would a man want to marry somebody who clearly believes women are superior (and only because she can't get laid)? This is evidenced by the fact that the author of the article takes every opportunity to insult men in her article and their unwillingness to commit. I, like everybody, have had troubles with relationships in the past, and I admit, I even started to hate women. But I'm past that now. I realize that desperation is a huge turnoff, u should too

Xtrnl, Edmonton, Canada

When it comes down to it there's a far cry from where we were decades ago. It's OK now to date or marry someone of a different skin color, different religion, same sex, significantly older/younger and so on.

The walls have came down and compounding this further is you don't have to have kids...birth control exists and is accepted. Men also have viagra...women are still working for that.

Just wait to how it might get once "the pill" is made for men too.

Matt, Boston, USA

I am a 38 year old man and I cant understand why I would think about getting married when women have such bad attitudes about men (as the writer of this article does). I am not a man-boy - I am man who is happy with my life and will not marry a man-hating feminist who will divorce me, give the children her last name, and then sue me for alimony and child support but not let me be a part of my childrens' lives. Until Western culture stops discriminating against men on these issues I will stay single. Who needs it?

Patrick Hynes, Boston, USA

You see gentlemen, you have proved the point. You all admit you just want to play the field for as long as possible, have casual sex with as many women as you can; no pressure, no responsibilities (god forbid) and that my friends is why the divorce laws favour woman when it comes to custody. You are unreliable and find monogamy "challenging". Men would like to stay in a permanent state of adolescence. And you would brand a woman who walked out on her husband and children nothing less than the devil incarnate.

You dont want a woman who is looking for a meal-ticket but neither do you want an independent woman because she is too much your equal and you can't cope with it. Ultimately, you always want to dominate and control.

I dont hear anyone accusing men of being selfish in wanting to "have it all", it is considered "normal" for a man to want a career and a family. But a woman is some kind of freak to paddle her own canoe and want a family at some point?? Grow up!!!

rationalist, london,

The reason that so many men have come to hate the opposite SEX (we are human beings, not nouns), MKNB, is precisely because of articles like this one. Men didn't start the gender war, and it looks like the only way we can avoid making victims of women is to avoid them completely. But, WAIT, that makes victims of them too! I guess we are just hosed all the way around.

Regardless of how women like the author view men, men themselves like to think that they are somewhat more significant than another Prada handbag, pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, or piece of cheap Ikea furniture. But, to women like Laura Nolan we are nothing more than fashion accessories to their preferred lifestyle - another item on a to-do list to check off. It's not surprising that a group of people you totally dehumanize and disregard do not respond with expressions of undying love - AND shower you with (blood) diamonds.

Maybe women will one day wake up to the fact that they can't bash men into loving them.

zed, midwest, USA

Why do so many woman and men hate the opposite gender.
We are not supposed to understand each other.
Where has all the romance gone, well I suppose that comes from progress for womens rights etc.

I married at 33 years (first time) my husbands is five years older, have been very happy for 17 years, and we treat each other with great respect. we love each other, he is my best friend.
And yes I suppose I may be sagging a bit now into my 50s. But I try to stay looking as good as possible. but for myself and no one else. Don't forget boys you to will sag and wilt into your 40s and 50s. And you think a young 20 year old will want you then?

Childen or no Children, marriage is about commitment of two people and not trying to change them, and excepting who they are warts and all.

Of course a great sex life and plenty of it keeps men and women happy. so don't ration it. And never wait till bed time.

MKNB, UK, UK

This article made me laugh a lot; well done everyone. But i thought you could have had more fun with the title, something like: "Humourless, Ageing, Jet-set Lady, Wonders Why Blaming Men For Everything, Hasn't Bagged Her A Husband."
Still, very good. More of these please.

James Globe, London, England


Men don't want to commit in their 30's because they are enjoying having the upper hand in the dating world for possibly the first time in their lives.
Up to this point as a man you are used to facing stiff (no pun intended) competition for female attention. In many cases this ‘competition’ may include men who are older, wealthier and more experienced than you are. Women are in the driving seat and generally not short of suitors.
As you approach your mid thirties the tide changes. Single women are eager to settle down with their biological clock ticking while their male counterparts are wiser, wealthier and probably in just as good shape as they were in their 20’s

It’s not that 30 something men are not attracted to 30 something women or have deep fear of commitment. Now is their time to pick and choose so why not?... especially when you know you can still do the family bit in 5 years.

Thirty and loving it, London,

Isn't the main point here that treating other people as means to ends is HIGHLY unattractive? I am a woman but I can't identify with the writer. I'd be appalled if I found myself going out with the express purpose of finding Mr. Dependable the Inseminator - too desperate, too utilitarian. Likewise, I have been utterly bemused/saddened by men on the make - it is pathetic to see men saying anything, doing anything, just to get sex. To both genders: shouldn't 'tricking' someone into giving you something stay where it belongs - in the realm of commerce?

Tiiu, Toronto,

I'm in my mid 20's, in good shape and with a good job and dating a wonderful girl. No desire for kids here, but we're both okay with that and our loving relationship. I think the main problem for ex party girls now in their 30's that suddenly want a man, any man, is that they cant adjust away from their past ways very gracefully and normal guys who once may have been attracted to them them (and were rejected as the girls chased other richer older guys) now are creeped out by their sudden desire for marriage and kids. You say we havent evolved and kept pace, but really we just like the girls who dont have the scary evolution from club chick to mom at all costs that you did.

Todd, New York, New York

They are both perfectly correct.This is the way life is now in the 21st century... I am now 80 and have a wife 29years younger than myself she thinks the sun shines from my backside after thirteen years of "marriage" still brings my odd girlfriend (all in the 20 .25 age bracket ) breakfast She had three very young sons by her first marriage, initially she was very upset when I said they had to go, which in my time would have been natural, probably a few people about who still feel the same way especially the two J.P's who's daughter just went down for four for drug dealing and the "intelligent couple" in their fifties who's daughter meticulously planned and filmed her attempt at murdering them .Wife's eldest son tried to imprison her for not paying child support (now 25) I with about 9-11 children and 28 grandchildren at the last count (only one I have reluctantly seen) There is a dramatic change "Love" ?? today it is sex and money per se Continue..perhaps..??

bill bloggs, Bucuresti,

Two things spring to mind:

- every man you meet manages to convince you that what you two have is a once in a lifetime experience? do you have a 3 seconds memory span? or maybe the personality of a goldfish?

- I could ask the very same question. I'm 46, divorced, have two teenage daughters that love me to bits, I have loved, have been loved, I've always been one for commitment, and I have the derriere of Erasmo Acosta.
Where have all the women gone?
Judging by your piece, they're all busy looking for a figment of their own imagination.
Get real. This is earth, not heavens.

Marco, London,

Just carry on patronising the 'man-boys'. It's bound to make them eager to take on the appalling risk of marrying you.
'They had all had therapy' - maybe that's a clue. All I can suggest is find a guy who would never dream of having so-called therapy and try to think of him as a human being, if you know how to do that.

John B, Middlesbrough, UK

I have absolutely no idea what all the fuss is about! I am a forty something Brit living in the deep south of America, Nashville (TN) to be precise. I moved here 2 years ago and have never been married, and have no children. The concept of the professional career woman, seems to be alien here. Where do you socialise? If you think you have problems trying to find a man in London, try being a man in Nashville! I would currently settle for a 'normal' - if such a concept exits! - woman without an eating disorder, serious emotional baggage, or children and is who is mentally stable!.....There again, I am told that I am 'picky' apparently!

Tom Makokha, Nashville, USA

I suppose that one of the female revolution's greatest successes has been the freedom it delivered to men. Once for a man to have a sex-life he had to marry. Society was very clear on that principle.

Following the recent decades of equality men can have a very fulfilling life without having to make any commitments at all.

There is a further reason to avoid marriage and many respondents have mentioned it - the disaster that divorce visits on men. Socially men and women may be equal but in law women are more equal than men. Why should any man accept a losing game when he can continue to play a winning game?

Feminism freed men - it played to men's strengths and we now enjoy all the benefits of no strings sex and all with society's approval.

David Morrison, Airdrie, UK

There's a fairly simple way for women to fix this situation - don't sleep with men unless they commit. Period. Done. The whole mess fixed in 6 months. Never gonna happen though. Men conciously and sub-conciously gravitate to whichever lifestyle that provides for more sex. It's called evolutionary biology. Marriage currently is not such lifestyle because more women than ever in history are ok with casual sex. I'm sorry girls, but you sort of brought it upon yourselves.

Ike, New York , USA

Women can be mercenary, opportunists who believe men must share their views on everything. Some women seem to revel in finding the "bad boy" and "fixing" him. When the fixing doesn't work, then they blame the gender not their bad judgement. Where is it written that the female view is the right view?

I met and dated a woman who took it upon herself to stop our agreed birth control methods and get pregnant. The laws here in the US make this completely my problem. Until women stand up to their responsibilities rather than select them, most men may view the "relationship" as very one sided.

I am happily married, but I must say sustaining a committed relationship in this one sided world is difficult at best. My suggestion is quick complaining and trying to understand viewpoints that might not coincide with yours

David, San Francisco, USA

The complaints that single women have of single men are equally valid the other way. Women complain about the bad boys, but they go for the bad boys anyway, and fool themselves into thinking that it will last. Similarly, men go for the sluttier women because they stand out in the same kind of way, and then they are equally surprised when it ends badly.

In this era, marriage is no longer about survival or being part of a community. Survival is relatively easy and there's no longer any real community. In the absence of the context within which marriage came into existence, marriage has become little more than a lifestyle choice. As a result, the things that people look for when selecting a mate are more frivolous. Nobody wants the nice practical sensible type; they don't stimulate our sense of adventure.

Sadly, men and women both remain 'spoiled children' until they are too old to enjoy the benefits of youth. This is the inevitable price of living in a rich country.

Howard, Toronto, Canada

"And we wonder why men are afraid to commit, when women like me are depicted as hormonally charged sperm-bandits interested in nothing beyond the urge to have a child."

Dear Mrs.Nolan, maybe it is women's fault that men see them as bandits? Think about it. Most women are indeed bandits, especially when their biological clock starts ticking louder.

John Maynard, Frankfurt, Germany

You can blame the divorce laws and unfair settlements! Would you enter into a business where you put all your wealth into it, but a few years later may have to walk away with little or nothing to start again? There's plenty of funds still left, a house, but it's your wife that gets it. That's even if she had an affair. It happens all the time, it happened to close friends. What a sad state when even solicitors warn against a man getting married and not so long ago with recent changes even living together. So I am one of those guys out there, not willing to play the game as the rules stand, can you really blame me.

Miller, Redhill, Surrey

Okay ladies, here is one 32 year old single man's view. I have had a few serious relationships in which I felt very strong feelings, but with the two girls developing careers they were torn between relationship/children and a career. I have felt a type of disenchantment due to the failure of these relationships and I don't know if at my age I will feel that very intense adoration of my partner. Being a dad is something that is very important to me, more so than my career. Anybody who sacrifices the things which are the essence of being human are insane and deluded.

I don't have moviestar looks, or a fantastic temperament all of the time, but perhaps I am just a "Mr Okay" to you. I find it very very disturbing how in our postmodern world something so fundimental to our existence is being screwed up so badly. God help us all.

The voice of reason, Aberdeen, UK

I see in my sons that they have wanted to marry women when they were in their early/mid twenties, but the women wanted to play the field, develop their career, etc. Actually to some degree this applies to all 5 of my sons. One, age 23 married his girlfriend aged 21 and so far after a year and a half they are doing OK. The others were all refused and have gone on to be more and more wary. One I think will never marry. One has a long term girlfriend that the family loves so much that we have told him that if he doesn't marry her we are going to disown him and adopt her...but no response yet. About the others it remains to be seen. And some of my daughters are suffering from men who won't commit. Frankly I think women should marry in their early 20's when men want to and it is healthiest to have children. And women should postpone physical intimacy for marriage. Society worked a lot better that way.

Susan Peterson, Owego, NY, USA

Boy, am I glad I'm gay!

Maurits Kalff, Cape Town, South Africa

What´s with young women these days? There is certainly more to life than marriage and breeding? Get a life.

Asta, Hamburg, Germany

i agree wit the expat chap about British men not wanting British woman.
I have married a Chinese woman and we are very much in love, she is more normal than British women, she doesn't believe the last bit of nonsense she read in a magazine, and is interested in making a relationship that works...not just satisfying only her personal needs or fighting imaginary fights dreamed up by childless feminists.

Daniel , Melbourne, Australia

Perhaps men want nothing to do with women who consider them "selfish mixed-up man-boys"? Perhaps you can have a man or an attitude, but not both.

Happily, here in Singapore almost all women choose the former over the latter.

Robert, Singapore,

If women were loyal as they pretend to be, as committted as they pretend to be, and as honest as they pretend to be, they would soon realize they would not longer be the pot calling the kettle black. It is my measured opinion, that many women, all over the world are demanding, but don't want that same level of demand placed upon them. In fact, they chastise men openly that demand anything from them or about them. In the same breath, they demand men bow to their every whim or they will find someone that will. Seems they can dish it, but can't take it. It is no small wonder the men of the world have figured women out and say "no thanks; I think I'll have an eggroll instead".

SGA, Tampa, USA/FL

It's not only about finding and marrying the right person. It's also about being the right partner.
It's a two way street for both men and women. Neither of us can, or should expect, to have it all. We have to give, move to a less self centred frame of mind. But so much of we feed ourselves through media and lifestyle reinforces the culture of ego and belittles as foolish and weak any culture of giving.
I have learnt a great deal of this from my gorgeous wife of 14 years, someone who is a little younger than I, but in many ways a great deal wiser.
I hope the writer finds herself a decent bloke with whom she can apply some give and take in all things and end up blissfully happy. It can, and does, happen.

MDH, UK,

English women are now the most selfish,self regarding and superficial women on the planet equalled only by US women as far as I can tell. I've been asset stripped by divorce and my children were asset stripped too in effect - something the feminists in the media always manage to overlook when defending women's rights to behave like monsters when somebody more attractive flatters them. I can't believe my sons would ever want to marry and I don't want them to, particularly not to a British woman. There's a lot of sons out there who know what happened to their fathers.

lester, wiltshire,

As a 60 year-old gay man in a relationship for the last 22 years, I would seem to be the last person to have something relevant to say to 30-something women having trouble finding a man to settle down with. But what you people seem to be going through sounds a lot like what gay men have gone through for a long time. When young and good looking, it's hard to settle down because there's a lot of opportunity, or if you're young and not good-looking, no one wants you. Gay adolescence often lasts til age 35. But after that age a lot of guys become more realistic, and suddenly realize that just settling down with someone with a good personality and only passable romantic attractiveness can be a very good thing. But at that age, love is slower, and less often "fallen" into.

The man-woman relationship, as pointed out by nearly all of you, is complicated by the woman's biological clock, but a solution might be for 30 something women to look for older men wanting a love of companionship.

Marc Waller, Montreal, Qubec, Canada

The way the divorce laws penalize men, a man needs to be slightly mad to marry these days. It is putting your head on a chopping block

John Ray, Brisbane, Australia

Yes, Steve from Derby, well said! Nothing says 'fine wine' like erectile dysfunction, sagging skin, probable cardiovascular disease, shorter life span, and hair tufts springing from every orifice after bidding one's pate adieu! I get aroused just thinking about you hot old things. If you've got a heart condition and fat bank account, I'm your girl!

Nicole, Toronto, Canada

My brother, 41 walked out on his domineering wife two years ago, for sake of his two kids who had witnessed constant arguing. He had equal input 50/50 child care responsibility since their birth and equal financial input to the home (he was a better parent spending time taking them swimming and bike rides etc, which she never did, and they loved him) The woman scorned, took her revenge by lying and crying through the court system and now he hasn't seen his kids for over a year, and wont see them until their old enough to make up their own minds, She is now trying to take the house, which they both paid for equally with the aid of a large donation from our mother.

Doubtless whe will suceed and he will spend the rest of his life paying off his legal bills and living in a hovel

Men of childbearing age see this happening all around them all the time

You wonder why they they dont want want to go near you

Believe me, men may be many things but they are not stupid.






goz, cardiff, wales

"In our early twenties were not ready to settle down and start having babies."

My dear, that is your problem, not the problem of men. Men want to marry young women.
You may be educated, but this education is useless if you stop working after getting married - like most women do. This education is useless, if you cannot cook, if you are too old to have healthy children, if you have STDs etc. Are you expecting men to marry such women? Be real.
You are just too old for men. A 40yo man marries a fecond 20yo woman and not a 39 yo woman who is not looking good anymore.
A 39 yo woman can easily be a grandma, it is unrealistic that a man may want to marry a potential grandma if he wants children.

Mickey , London, great britain

I don't know where so many men here get the idea that women in their 20's are just interested in having fun and exploiting richer older men and not settling down! I don't know which girls you are talking about. Perhaps you are only talking about the top 2% of girls in their 20's who looked like supermodels, that every guy 20-80 still wants to go after.

Every girl I knew starting from the college age of 18 just dreamed of finding the right guy and settling down and it was still difficult for those girls in their 20's to find that. Many of us did end up finding a serious boyfriend around our age in our mid 20's, only to be told after several years of dating that they "weren't ready" for committment. Then when we finally met other guys to date seriously in our 30's, those guys said after a few years they were too happy "being independent" to settle down. At this rate, if the guys keep up with this, the whole population of the Western world will peter out, and it won't take long!

Claudia, Atlanta, USA

Wow, a manbashing article - how rare...

Does the author not consider that perhaps the fault lies not 'just' with men, but women too? Gosh, what a concept!!!

I, for one, am tired of the selfishness of modern day 'girls'.. i mean, women. Too many of them are like spoilt babies acting out their princess fantasies and if the man doesn't match up to their demands he's cast aside like trash.

So, I'm keeping my options open for a decent person - not the first woman who believes she is God's gift to mankind.

The author of this article is a fairly good example of the kind of women I avoid - blame men for any & everything. Why would I be remotely interested in someone who continually points the finger elsewhere and thinks she and her sistahs are exempt from accountability for the way society is changing? I'd have to be MAD to chase someone with such a chip on her shoulder.

Karl, Worcester, Engladn

I was recently in a relationship with a man for almost 4 years. Not being bothered about marriage, I never pressured him to marry me or have kids as he had been through a 9 month marriage, a bad divorce and had always been "unsure" about having kids. He was only the 2nd guy I had slept with in my life; I loved him and was committed to him despite the fact that he had A LOT of baggage. My expectations were not high. I am a realist. I certainly didn't care about the car he drove or how much money he earned; I had always looked after myself financially believing that a meal-ticket mentality is abhorrent. One day, a few weeks before he turned 40, he decides he wants kids & dumps me, then almost 42. I probably will not be able to have children now. Men do not realise what it is like for a woman not to be able to have kids. Some of us are not the stereotypical witches that you men like to believe us to be. Some men just are weak and selfish however decently you behave towards them. Karma!

brightsider, london,

As a late 30's man married 18 years I read this article with great amusement and the comments with much agreement.

This author, like many of her compatriots doesn't understand basic math, Life is: quid pro quo.

You want a man in THE CITY, you have STANDARDS, you know how to spend money

Saving money? You haven't a clue. What happens to a mans liberty and financial future when he gets married and has a child? Likewise.

What do you have to offer?? MAYBE 5 years of fertility?

I am married now, but would NEVER get married again. I will however, encourage my children to marry young, before they understand the costs of British married life.

Men age like wine, women like milk.

Sadly a man is foolish to marry a woman who has had ANY experience. A woman is foolish if she believes that she can add anything more of value to her position than youth and beauty.

I truly wish the author all the luck in the world finding the men she spat down on in her teens and 20's.

Steve, Derby, UK

Is it surprising that single men do not want marriage when we read that 75 % of women say they would marry for money?

Is it surprising that single men don't want to marry when greedy money grabbing women still expect to give up work on marriage, be supported and kept, provided with housing, motor cars, clothing and all home comforts, to plunder "joint" bank accounts to pay for expensive shopping theatre and overseas trips. When marriage is quite simply legalised prostitution?

Is it surprising that men don't marry when women want to strip them of at least half their pensions, a sizeable share of their future income, and half their hard-won assets? Is it surprising that men no longer want to marry when we hear of the outrageous divorce settlements that women manage to obtain in order to keep themselves in luxury for the rest of their lives?

A majority of British women seem to think that we are still in the 19th Century, and not to know that this is the 21st Century.

Sylvia Nolde, Epsom, UK

In days gone past, when women were appealing to men because they were caring, would remain loyal and loving, and were a good mother, etc., so men married in greater numbers. Today, however, we have women that are selfish, irrational, disloyal, self-deluding, and dysfunctional. They abuse the courts, the laws, and men for personal gain, while claiming to do no such thing. Yet they wonder why men are no longer marrying them.

I say, Women made their beds, they can lie in them.

chris, manchester,

I'm a 48-year old never-married man. When I've dated, I've always been the one expected to ask her out, call, pick her up, decide what to do, pay for the date, and then call her back just so I can listen to her talk non-stop again for another three hours. About herself. Hello. I'm tired of "independent" women who seem to believe my sole purpose in life is to make them happy. It is not. I'm sorry gals, but you're not the sex goddesses that you think you are. The same attitude is displayed with marriage. Marriage is advantageous for women, but not for men. That's why there's so many women who want to get married, and so many men who don't. Why should I get married just so my wife can divorce me, take everything I've earned, and then make me a visitor to my own children due to anti-men laws? No thank you, ladies. You're not worth it. At 48, I'm financially secure and plan to retire in two years. I don't need you, and to put it bluntly, I don't want you. The costs are too great.

Shawn, Livermore, CA, USA

I married an asian woman. I think western women have forgotten how to be feminine and how to take care of their man.

A Morris, Manila,

The urge to have a baby is nothing more than thinking with one's reproductive organs. Men are supposed to be restrained with their biological urges, why cannot the same be expected of women?

Want a baby and can't find the perfect man? So, don't have a baby. Duh. The willing deferment of self gratification is the hallmark of maturity.

zammo, Fort Lauderdale, US/Florida

As a well educated 37 year old male, I just ended a relationship because she didn't want to get married and have children in the end, so I didn't see the point of continuing wasting her and my time.

Despite there being a gender imbalance favouring men and their dating lifestyles, from my experience I would argue for that group of men seriously wanting to get married and have children that there is a decreasing number of women in their 30's who are as serious in wanting to get married and have children. I just don't buy Laura Nolan's piece because it contradicts my dating experiences.

James, Los Angeles, CA, USA

I was taken aback by your article. On the one hand you complain men do not want to commit, on the other hand you advocate to be cunning and to trap men into marriage by presenting yourself as fake. Do you really believe that men will wish to marry after having read these horrid advices who show utter disrespect?

David Marlborough, London, great britain

Now regarding Scott Elliott from Edinburgh... you're on. But no threesomes!

Elan Durham
Santa Monica
California
United States
Northern Hemisphere
The World
Future Residence: Scotland.

Elan Durham, Santa Monica, CA/US

Marriage was a Patriarchal institution created to enslave people, where women and children became possessions of men.

Men were conditioned to take and take.

Women were conditioned to give and give.

Now, we are both waking up to the BIG LIE.!!!

So, let us each do as we feel good with, and let everyone else mind their own business.

Catherine Barrett, London, UK

the book is
""Aftrican Genesis""
say no more,say no more!!!

patrick helten, victoria BC, Canada

I'd like to add to this an old rule of thumb for any man to calculate the ideal age for the woman in his life. Take your own age, halve it, then add ten years. This formala clarifies much in this story - resulting age couplings that match the phenomenon of thirtysomething men dating twentysomething women described in the feature and the responses below:
20-20; 30-25; 35-28; 40-30.

Bill, London,

I think that if more men and women could accept that their simple need is to mate and rear children together as best as they can, by being good and loyal parents, much loneliness and heartbreak would end. Careers, money, casual sex. . . such things really have little to do with our fulfilment and satisfaction as human beings.

David , Crete, Greece

Personally, I don't know why woman (or men) spend their time trying to find a 'mate'. You come into this world alone and you will leave this world alone. Enjoy your singleness and revel in the fact that you have no one to think off, worry about, but yourself.

kim, London,

Great article, I'm a 34 year old male. Luckily, I did take the plunge and get married 10 years ago. Had I not, I may have turned into one of these man boys you describe. - Believe me, I see them all around. - I too see girls such as yourselves who are really really nice, but don't seem to be settling down. Your right, it's cause all the men have become man boys. - Great article.

Chris H, London,

It works both ways. There are good guys looking for commitment and kids who find women don't seem to want that.

John, Edinburgh, UK

Thankyou to the writer for showing my French girlfriend why it is that I haven't dated a Brit since I left school. I've never been able to put it into words before but now I don't have to.

Steve, sheffield,

I'm like Charlotte. I wanted to share my life with someone but I was never successful. Now I just concentrate on helping friends and the children I sponsor. I'm also fulfilling some of the dreams I've had since childhood.

One thing that has changed over the years is my willingness to actually marry. It's not just men who are frightened of having to give up their hard-earned money in a divorce court. It's me, too.

Luckily, I've never wanted to have children of my own so I don't hear any clock ticking.

Tina, Dusseldorf, Germany

As a guy get's in his thirties he can become a bit more selective as there is a lot more woman available to him, especially now. As far as I am aware i'm not that different from any 31 year old male and there is only a limited number of woman I would go out with. There's a woman I'm crazy about who is 34 year's old and is more like the guy's that Laura's article is about. Think you've just got to look at the bigger picture and realise that it's all a matter of chemistry. More importantly stop stereotyping.

Liam , Smegville, Suffolk

The biological clock is unfortunate for men too, which many do not seem to realise. The drive for men to have children is as great as for women. Women have a cut off time for having children. Each man needs a mate to have his child and there are equal numbers of men and women. For as many women that dont have children there will be about the same number as men. Unless men go for women who have already got children. Men need to get on with it too!

Bella, London,

I am 35, single for the past 6 months and most of the time perfectly happy about this. Reading these comments above causes me to give up my hopes entirely of ever meeting someone who wants to share a life with me.
Most of us who have got to this age and are still single are financially independent meaning that we haven't had to settle for the first guy who came along, we have careers and independence, unlike my mothers generation who have often stayed in their relationships because of no money no career no life without the marriage. Those 20 year olds that you 30 year old guys are banging on about being desired by are exactly the ones that have no means of managing without your money and are the ones that when your performance begins to fail and that toned body starts to go will haul you over the coals in the divorce courts. Good luck to you and even more good luck to them taking you for all they can get.

Sarah, Nottingham,

I'm 48 my ex wife of 10 years wants the kids, the house, the car and the house I bought after I moved out. Hmmm. I online dated last year the desperation I saw in women in their early 30's, just on their own profiles, said RUN AWAY MEN. They invariably say they are looking for Mr D'Arcy (He is a fictional character) and claim to be a challenge, who wants a challenge from a 'partner'. They all want someone to pay for them to go skiing. Actually they desperately want a sperm donor. There are no men who meet their stated requirements, certainly not on internet dating sites (Times On line). The older women have children who are now going to Uni they are divorced and suddenly realise they will be alone and are desperately looking for a replacement for the Man they ditched. Girls you can't have it all. I am no longer dating anyone I have a married lover its cheaper in the long run. Hahahaha Girls who needs them. But the divorce laws need to be changed as its only going to get worse.

Terry, Watford, UK

what a sad a vicious thread.........back in the old days it was all love and peace, what happened?

democritus, aylesbury,

Many of these replies are truly awful. Generalisations all over the place. I didn't use my charms at the age of 20, I didn't screw my husband when I divorced him (left him in the house with all the contents and negotiated a small settlement) I didn't run off and leave him for another man, or a woman . I don't want to marry a man to take away his money. I don't want to have a baby. I remain single because I can't be bothered to try right now, I like the peace and the tranquility. Sure I would love to be in love with a man right now who loves me, to laugh about childish things, to talk about the universe, to feel an arm around my waist...I have never made demands of a man or been manipulative , I simply wanted a great friend, who'd treat me with the respect I would treat him with. I sigh...... I'm not with baggage, simply worldly-wise...Please try and stop these dreadful generalisations, they are harmful to us all. I am here but I don't see me at all....

Satya, London,

From personal experiance men do want to marry but its normally around about the age of 21-26, all my (male)friends at this age have admitted to me (be it at the time or years after) that this was the age when they wanted marriage, with some actually getting their wish while most have not. Subsequently, the ones who have not (around about 80%) had their partners wanting to do one or all of the following: "have fun", a career, feel that life needs to be experianced while they are young etc, and thus, the girl they wanted was gone. After this, all my male friends either played the field, embarked on pursuits that were individual or are now divorced (cause they married the wrong one(s)). Consenquently, I believe that this is due to my opinion that men are only really capable of loving someone truely once maybe twice, while women can find a way to love almost anyone. However, men normally find this love between 17-25, which unfortuantly is not in the time frame women now want marriage

sebstian, london,

It does not surprise me, a life long batchelor that men are reluctant to marry, it is not about maturity, it is about what men want out of their lives.
Over the past 30 years the position of women has improved to the point of domination, this may not be true but it is the perception. If you are after a man, ask yourself, why would a man marry you and get involved in a relationship were he could loose everything he has worked for so far. In your twenties there is little to loose, by your mid thirties there is much more to loose; plus of course they have been adults long enough not to want/be able to make the compromises required by marriage.
My advice to women is, be less demanding of society in general the men around you in particular, and never be a ladette.

Jon, Owaka, New zealand

I am from America. I personally have been married 20 yrs. However, MOST men I know have NO intention of EVER marrying. Biggest reason?? Unfair divorce laws, or at least the unfair application of the existing laws. Until these laws are more even-handed, i think the trend will be that less and less men will marry. Most men live well on their own. They love sex and good companionship. But, can live alone much easier than most women I know.
With no strings sex so easy, there is little reason to commit your life to a single woman, just to fulfill sexual desires.

John, Boston,

Why do today's thirty-something women think that they can choose when they are 'ready' to find a man? I married at an earlier age than I originally thought ideal because I fell in love with someone who made it clear that he wouldn't wait around for me to play the field. We have been happily married for twenty eight years. Life is all about compromise; I would probably have had a proper career instead of a few part-time jobs whilst bringing up our children if I hadn't married but not everyone can 'have it all'.

Fiona, Reading, Berkshire

Elan Durham from Santa Monica, MARRY ME!!!!

scott elliott, Edinburgh,

Look at the behaviour of young women, and you will know why they are not married at 30 years. Take model Keeley Hazzel for example. Instead of marrying now, she is getting photographed nude. There is no doubt, she would find a good husband now, if she wanted to marry a serious "boring" man, who is family oriented and lives a normal life. In ten years it will be difficult for her, because her looks will fade.
It is the free choice of the women, to squander their youth. They enjoy total freedom.

Brian Hobbs, London, great britain

Men in their 20s are immature. They're prone to acting irrationally, and they're heedless of risk. They believe in romantic love, not having lived for long enough to know it never lasts. That's why they're prepared to risk all their future wealth on a 50/50 risk of divorce.

Older heads are wiser.

Redcliffe, London,

I am 31, have lots of friends, a good job and have been told I am very attractive. I have also been single for a long time. A few years ago, I made the mistake of falling in love with my best friend, who was in his 40s and single. We spent lots of time together - dinner, drinks, cinema, talking for hours, days out - and of course progressed to sleeping together. I, and all our friends, thought we were perfect for each other. But when I broached the subject of us actually being a couple, he claimed he wasn't good enough for me, wasn't good at relationships, etc. Because of how I felt about him, I carried on doing what we were doing. Eventually, I couldn't take being treated like a girlfriend but without any committment any longer, and I stopped it. Now I don't see him at all, so I lost my best friend too. Ironically, I am now all the things I never was before - scared, unwilling to trust, reticent. Of course, I am still single, because those traits are not attractive.

Maria, London, UK

Perhaps it is time that English women did a bit of a marketing exercise, redesigned and relaunched their product.
At the moment they offer wage-slavery, a neurotic, self-obsessed, contemptuous and inflexible partner, followed by a nasty court case, financial dismay, eviction and isolation. All this in return for a supply of sex (limited and not guaranteed) friendship, (providing you are their friends, they don't have to be yours) and the illusion of loyalty. Selfish, immature behaviour that means that they have never grown up: even worse than men.
Against this, the foreign-born women seem to actually want to work at being married, want to share life with their man, and have their product well sorted out.
I feel I am better off with Mother Thumb and her four daughters, and I can leave the English woman to enjoy Bedtime with Germaine Greer.
From one matrimonial failure/dropout to another, salutation!

Richard, Dunstable, England

Jay P, I DO call you sexist. It shouldn't only be up to women to, as you put it, be the "upholders of human dignity, compassion and intelligence". What are you bringing to the equation?

Maria, aylesbury, UK

yes Dan I agree with you..I find my own sex very airy fairy about men..but the alternative for you is the realist butch 'Woodhouse' character like me..you would not get away with much ! LOL

yr, cambs, uk

Interesting article. What I would say is that generally older women with younger guys does not work. I spent 6-7 years with a woman 5 years older than me and ultimately it was not a success. A 32 year old woman wants many different things generally than a 27 year old man does. I am now 33 and engaged to a wonderful 26 year old girl. I am sure older women/younger men can work in some instances, but generally what a man wants at 32 or 33 is pretty much what a woman is looking for towards her late 20's, so its a much better fit. Plus the novelty of an older woman wears off pretty quickly - give me a younger woman any day!

Brian, London,

As a happy single woman in my 40s, I am facinated by the thread of gender hostility which seems to cut both ways. It is disturbing actually and says more about the individuals writing it than about gender relations. However I am still mystified about when it became accepted that foreplay involve a scale? And why would anyone put up with that for an entire year? It seems that the anecdote works both ways - neither individual seemed to realize what is acceptable treatment of another person in a relationship.

Anna, Reykjavik, Iceland

At the end of the day, no matter how men or women fool themselves into thinking that they are looking for a 'soulmate' etc, it's all about looks. If you're good looking ther's a better chance of people fancying you, the more people fancy you, the more sex you can get, the more sex you can get the less you want to settle down etc etc.......

roper, london, london

The author needs to think hard about what her male peers (like Mark and Joseph) say. The 30+ guys rejecting you now are the ones you rejected decade ago. Having wider interests than angling for a man (100k plus Porsche natch) is spot on too.

But look on the bright side. By 40, your financial autonomy and kid-free status will make you a prize catch for solvent, attractive divorced men.

Vicky, Germany,

"Men are like eggs. They must hatch or go bad."
Insulting men seems fanciful these days, would such a thing being written about women, too? Maybe they do not find a husband at 30, because they "have gone bad"? Women age and they age fast, when they lack physical appeal, they do not find husbands or boyfriends anymore. Tell the women to use their good looks in their youth to find a husband and not to waste their youth on having sex with multiple guys.
Men do not go bad when they age: they grow in value, they invest money, become wiser and are less and less ready to give in to every whimp of a woman.

Jack Manson, Munich, Germany

This article made me happy. Single man, 30. Not really interested in sleeping around and boozing. When I now read this article, it tells me to be just a bit more assertive, because I have plenty of choice! Great. Maybe I will find Mrs. Right after all.
Applications from women aged 27-32, with a good job, a higher education - preferably good-looking - welcome

peter, Birmingham,

Steve, of Manchester -- the women who say have kids anyway want the kids more than they want your single male friends, so it all works out. They're happy, and I'm sure your friends would not want to be simply a means to an end, so they're probably happier too. Sometimes the kids, and not Mr. Right, are the end goal.

N., New York, NY

After wading through all the previous comments, a state of celibacy seems highly desirable!

Dale, York,

Fantastic, as a 39yr old male I had an issue about dating "someone too young" but after reading this I now realise its ok in the eyes of society to date someone in the mid-twenties.

Friday night, bring it on!!!!

ps. to the woman who says have kids anyway, well, that's instantly ruled you out amongst alot of my single male friends. Enjoy.


Steve, Manchester,

I don't care about marriage, all I want ed to do was to find somebody I could love. But I find that most men only want sex....so I've decided that I'll live my life on my own and all this love I have inside me will be spent on my family and friends.

Charlotte, 37, London, England

Boohoo , the chickens are coming home to roost . All the women who passed us by because we didn't measure up to 'Big' from Sex and the City , or Mr Darcy , are suddenly all lonlely and desperate . I wonder why ? Maybe if they realised that life isn't a Jane Green novel they'd be a lot happier . As for the man-boy thing , fantastic ! You're a long time dead so make the most of it chaps !

Dan, Watford ,

Ha Ha
I think as long as a woman thinks of a man as a "mate", and talks in terms of just getting 'a man', instead of her love or husband - she is doomed to be miserable ...and deservedly so...these terms suggest she is thinking only of herself and of a consumer good like a new handbag or dress, just an appendage for her satisfaction.
I usually cringe when i hear a woman talk of needing 'a man', it is selfish and tacky.
What they should be looking for is 'love' or a relationship', but if you want a 'mate' then go to the zoo.

Daniel K888, Melbourne, Australia

I am a 32 year old man-boy bachelor as described in the article and proud of it! I am having the time of my life and do not plan to settle down until I am at least 40. At that age, I would prefer a girl in her late 20's rather than a bitter battle-axe in her mid 30's. Single career women in their mid 30's DO tend to be domineering, vicious and desperate. In the meantime, I will enjoy great no strings attached sex with girls in their 20's, holidays wherever I fancy, my own space and the ability to do what I want whenever I want without having some neurotic, narcissist screeching at me all day. Most if not ALL my married friends envy my freedom and most of those who do not have children would give an arm or a leg to be in my position. Fuguez hits the nail on its head: Women in their mid-30's = less fun, more emotional baggage, more cynical and increasingly saggy body parts.

Samuel , Islington, London,

I lived with a 35 year old single girl in London (I am 27). She was completely barmy and a manic depressive man hater. I was very pleased when she threw me out. She could have been very attractive to a male of most ages, but I simply couldn't sympathise with her. Much of her behaviour was utterly bizarre and probably quite indicative of many single girls in their 30s (but admittedly quite extreme). It was just terrifying!! Fine, if one bloke did something nasty, thats life - get over it. I was dumped horribly once by a girl who strangely wanted me to prove my love for her. The opposite happened and I ran off scared to death. Stop being silly and be nice. Don't confuse us with your issues. I disagree that men are complicated. I just love women!! And will keep dating and going out til I find one I really like.

GP, Edinburgh, Scotland

In exactly 28 days you may propose to the man of your choice. In fact do what men do. Have a list, and work down it until one target accepts.
However there are very few businessmen or professionals who are looking to marry women in their late thirties. Mostly these men were the college "bucks", got the pretty girls as girlfriends, and married one of them on their way up. If they are divorced, they don't have the attitude, and can probably get younger and sexier women than you to set up for the next divorce. You've got to be realistic. You've left it too late for the husbad you could have had, not quite too late for any husband at all.

Malcolm McLean, Bradford, UK

The real point is that men loss everything when the divorce comes, so if you can drink the milk why buy the cow?

Mar Wakeling, London,

Laura, you need a reality check. You said that women should not settle for Mr. Okay, then my response is neither should men settle for Ms. Okay either. This battle between men and women I am sick to the back teeth of. When will people realise men and women are different and always will be. Trying to turn men into women and vice versa only complicates things. Categorizing men as sex starved perverts or women as brazen hussies is tantemount to a form of racism. Lets not get rapped up in these discussions and instead lets embrace our differences afterall opposites attract - fact.

Miesha, Manchester, UK

Poor little whiny Girls !!
maybe Men should not be considered as just another item in your shopping basket, just there to fulfill your pathetic TV/advertising fed notion of life, glowing and perfect happiness and all...
Why don't you stop shopping and watching TV , and start trying to have a life (try reading a book or practice a team sport, give time to a charity ) , doing interesting things will get you to meet other interesting people doing interesting things.

Anne, PARIS, FRANCE

Haverstock Bill is spot on regarding the shift of balance of power from women to men moving from their 20s to 30s. Just to be absolutely clear, most men (and certainly more than the author imagines) want love and to settle down. It's just that uncommitted sex is also extremely satisfying, if on a shallower plane. Present one of these gallivanting 30 something men with a fantastic girl and he will give it all up for her. This is an age old formula. That is precisely what I did. Why would any man or woman rush into a lifelong relationship if he/she does not feel the desperate need to? We are living a society of increased liberation of all fronts (including the phenomenon of ladettes sleeping around like me - let's discuss that if you'd like) and the apparent requirement to settle down the day our nation's ladies' bio clocks start nearing midnight is entirely inconsistent with this. It's such typical feminist illogic that the failure to pin a man down is blamed on the man...

Guy, London,

When I was in my 20's and my career was in its infancy, girls my age weren't interested, they wanted the hunky guys in their 30's with big apartments and fancy cars. They didn't want trips to the cinema and a pizza, but weekend breaks and exclusive restaurants. But now I'm successful and in my mid thirties I've 'appeared' on women's radar.

Suddenly women who wouldn't have looked at me twice 10 years ago are practically throwing themselves and their telephone numbers at me. And they're not alone, since women in their 20's also see me as potential boyfriend material as well. I'm getting the kind of attention I previously only dreamed about.

Then when I read Laura bemoaning men like myself for not settling down just as we are starting to actually attract the opposite sex I find it rather ironic. If she had settled down when she was getting attention from men during her 20's then I might have taken her seriously, but clearly she was enjoying herself too much.

That's what I'm doing now.

Mark, London,

Forget the 30 somethings... concentrate of the over 50's, they don't smell they don't tell and they're as grateful as hell...and some of them even do DIY!

MG, Portsmouth,

Most attractive girls ignore the nice guys for bastards during their teens and twenties. They start taking an interest when they want someone steadier. It is no surprise that most "nice guys" don't think "thank heavens you've lowered your standards enough to want me", but instead see it as an opportunity to play the field. Unfortunately, this creates a very beguiling alternative to settling down, and an alternative glamourised on television and in field. It isn't so much that 30something women are competing with 20something, but that the modern dating game by which people find their "life partner" also provides men with a fairly attractive substitute to long-term commitment - sex after a few dates, and the thrill of the first seduction. Of course, by the time they reach 40+, the same men will be regretting missed opportunities...

joseph, London,

Does not anyone find it a little insulting that it still seen as a measure of success for a woman to get married off.

I am a 29 year old man (kid) and I do not intend to get married; an institution that I see as being outdated, irrelevant and stifling, not just to me but to relationships themselves. I do intent to have children, and have a committed relationship with my amazing girlfriend.

If women of my age stopped obsessing about marriage and just started enjoying the relationships that came their way, they may find that it all becomes a lot less complicated and painful. They may even wake up one morning and find a committed kid lying next to them and realise that a marriage is not synonymous with success.

Chris, London, England

Quite an interesting article. As anecdotal evidence, having some bearing on this subject, several of my male friends from University have married spouses from outside of the UK. They were all quite elligible (professional/business careers) but now seem to be deleriously happy.

Personally, I think that this is a growing trend. Therefore, it would seem that British men do want to settle down, but not with British women.

Jon, Expat,

What a load of rubbish, "Yeah sure its all mens fault...again". Maybe the author should stop and examine the huge shift in roles and expectations of "WOMEN" in the last generation. Far too many baby boomer mothers, too busy trying to turn their daughters in to men and convincing them of the nonsense that "You can have it all" rather than teaching them basic life skills, too afraid that they would be chained to the sink (like some of them).
Any relationship only works if both people are committed to it and with one party knowing that she can take half the house even if she's in the wrong, if he's lucky and believing that the kids will be fine if they never see their Father is unlikely to suceed. Face it, your mothers were selling you a dream, not reality.

Paul, Weybridge, UK

Not all men want to settle down. I've been very succesful, own my own house, a Porsche 911 and enjoy a great life. I have a girlfriend, but no intention of moving on from where I am for now.

Andy Banks, Bristol, UK

Throughout their teens and twenties women flirt, sleep around, and enjoy the position of power that being young, desirable and fertile brings. Those were their prime years, and these are ours. You've had your fun - stop whingeing and get over it.

ed, 35, london,

I think you'll find most men in their thirties would love to settle down, I know I would. But by the time we reach mid thirties we look around at our married friends and tend to see that marriage isn't the ideal we thought it was in our twenties.
So when I think of marriage it has to be to someone I truly love and is a real friend.
Whatever happened to meeting someone you like and taking it from there? The author and various female commentators have all just confirmed most men's worst fear, that all women of a certain age are looking for is marriage, as a means to having children and fulfilling their own desires. What about love, companionship, and partnership? Put down the magazines and go and find soemone you enjoy spending time with.

Nick, Bristol, UK

I think the so called battle of the sexes is, at least to an extent, a biological thing as you correctly hinted.

When in my early twenties were dating girls of similar age it seemed as if all had on voice and were saying to me: “let’s take it easy, I am not looking for anything serious” which felt like a letdown.

Now that I have turned 31 and date girls of similar age range, again it seems as if they all have the same one voice, though this time the “M” word is dropped as early as the first date which causes me panic attacks.

My conclusion is that from late teens to mid twenties women have the upper hand, which they lose from the late twenties onwards largely due to the “biological clock” phenomenon.

Unfortunately, several women from their late twenties onwards in order to reproduce often chose the wrong mate simply because he offers to satisfy that need.

P, London,

Can I just say as a 38 year old married for the last 3 1/2 years, marrage is great! I consider myself lucky enough to have met the right girl (34) and I don't think marriage is a hostage situation at all.

Relationships are all about timing, meet the right person at the right time. Simple as that, just becuase its your right time for something doesn't equate to somebody elses. Don't give up though, and remeber to enjoy yourself while waiting for the "one"!

AP, North,

I agree 100% with what Laura is saying- although I am 30 and happily married I am in the minority of all my friends. They're all single, but looking. However the majority do live in London where it seems more the norm to be single.
I work for The Introduction Company, an exclusive dating company in the North and, although we're quite lucky in that we do have lots of men on our books, we do have more ladies looking for their soulmate. And men are so very choosy! I think Andrew Clover is correct in saying that divorced men are more realistic too.
And, no, no one should ever have to settle for just Mr/Ms Only OK. There is someone out there for everyone.

Anna Addison, Middlesbrough,

Errr, males are all boys. How have you missed this?

My dad is 65 and still acts the big kidder but he's not depressed and married at 39 to my mum who was 35. I still love to kid around, it's what makes life fun. Fun is all we want and we want it all the time. If there's no fun then there's time for insecurities to creep in. I think you'll find that once a guy finds an exciting and interesting enough partner, he'll want to stick around for a long time.

Alistair Kipling, Birmingham,

Once again an article on life based solely around the specific micro-climate of London. Hey folks there's a huge country around you with lots of people in it, and guess what, they're different from you!

Trevor, Sheffield, South Yorkshire

Whats so wrong with men not growing up? Times have changed, it's not all about marriage and children anymore. I liked what Andrew Clover was saying till he jested about how to trap a man, cant we just have fun with a man till the relationship has run it's course without bringing marriage and children into it? I work in a male dominated industry and I know men are not the simple creatures they are often made out to be. Three men I'm close to have been so badly hurt that they wont commit to a "traditional" relationship, but that doesnt make them man-boys, they are once-bitten-twice-shy cynics, they have been hurt and dont want to go through that again. I'll admit I look at life a little differently to some as Ive chosen not to have children, so maybe not seeing all men as potential fathers means that I see them clearer.

Alice Robinson, Lincoln, U.K.

The balance of power between men and women does shift as they move from their twenties to their thirties. Women in their twenties are able to exploit their charms to their fullest extent, while men are still insecure and, to put it bluntly, not fully mature and comfortable with themselves - if a 28 year old man has an attractive girlfriend he'll be more inclined to try to close the deal as he still can't quite believe his luck.

10 years on, men are more likely to have grown into themselves, are more relaxed and comfortable with who they are and so are more confident in their relationships with women - and don't feel the fear of losing out any longer. This is the way it's worked for me - at 38 I'm successful, affluent and enjoying a rich love life, way beyond what I could have imagined 10 years back. I think this may be part of the phenomenon Laura has witnessed. I have to say though - I've never had therapy. Way too metrosexual.

Haverstock Bill, London,

Thank you Laura for your insight. You have almost written my story. I met the love of my life when I was 32 (he was 39). He insisted he wanted to marry me. When I said yes, and started to build our life together, he promptly ran off with a thai girl half is age. I have an MBA, am financially independent but this cut my confidence like a knife. I naively thought that love would overcome his insecurities. Now 7 years later, after 3 years of grieving and being alone, I'm seeing someone but it's only ok. He's not the love of my life and everything needs work. I wonder every day is it better to be in an ok relationship rather than being alone or should I hold out for true love again, taking a risk that I might sacrifice children. (I will be 39 this year). I disagree Jame - you can have everything, as long as you compromise something.

Rebecca, Auckland, New Zealand

Now here is an interesting statistic. The highest per capita marrying other races and nationalities is…guess who, the English male. Now all my friends from my bachelor days have married bar one – but he is a hopeless case. None married that classic ‘nice’ Anglo-Saxon English girl, I married a French Canadian. Now if you just take a minute to reflect, you come to the conclusion that it is not that the English males won’t marry, it's that that they won’t marry…. now complete the sentence yourself.

Men want to marry and start families but in the present English culture it is made so difficult – for the male.

Prof Hugh Phillips , Boucherville Quebec, Canada

"Because most eligible males are selfish, mixed-up man-boys chasing no-strings sex". You are totally correct and we make no excuses. We are "eligible males" - who by your definition have every thing we could want, career, money, women, fun. You want us to give this up now?

Seriously, the truth is that nowadays what most women in their 30s want is increasingly not what men in their 30s want. Despite this, and contrary to what you may think, there still are plenty of guys out there looking for the same kind of relationship and wonder where all the single eligible women are.

So before you women write yet another article asking where all the eligible men have gone, try this experiment: lower your standards next time you're looking for a date, you might be pleasantly surprised. If you're not prepared to do that, then why should an "eligible man" who's enjoying his bachelor lifestyle give that up for you?

Will, London,

As a result of the pill and womens' lib. the modern woman is more promiscuous than her forebears. What women failed to realise was that, in their rush to be free, they were really liberating men; perhaps they do now.

In the past when a man met a virgin and fell in love he felt committed to looking after and protecting her. He will be unfortunate to meet a virgin these days. However men's attitudes to women of loose morals has not altered over the decades. This is now being reflected in the difficulty of modern women finding someone to take on the commitment of looking after them and any offspring.

A man faced with the choice of marriage to a woman with a past or possessing his dream car does not really have a choice.

cambayne, Edinburgh, Scotland

Sorry, but how are sweeping generalisations about thirty-something 'man boys' any less inane than John Gray's Men are from Mars Women are from Venus patronising guff?

Oddly enough I never had too much difficulty in my 20s or 30s meeting funny, clever, non-narcissistic grown-up men of the same age and ended up marrying the best one, possibly because I didn't hang around with a hunting pack of female friends or make chick-lit level assumptions about the men I met - treat people like stereotypes and they're more likely to respond as such, treat them as individuals ditto. Of course there are dull, self-obsessed, infantile men, there are plenty of dull, self-obsessed infantile women too, and I'd tend to put Laura Nolan in the latter group. Perhaps if you have passions that stimulate and fulfil you other than your and your friends' love lives and your work, you'll be happier, as well as more interesting and fun to be anound and so attract more desirable and adult prospective partners?

Ruth , Glasgow, Scotland

I think the problem with your generation of women is that they so warmly embraced their newfound freedoms that perhaps they forgot about the ticking bombs in their uteruses until too late, which is probably more or less where you are right now. This article strikes me as a bitter rant against the unjust biology of the whole thing.

Men are not of the same limited fecundity as women and this is, of course, unfair. It's the last remaining sexual inequality but it's hard-coded into our biology and until such time as science can find a way of delaying or eliminating the onset of menopause, then there's no immediate solution to your problem.

Simply put, you cannot have the best of both worlds. There just isn't enough time to pursue both your personal aspirations and the single most overriding of human instincts: getting your genes into the next generation. The clock is ticking.

Paul, Bath, UK

Married couples are a minority. Half of marriages don't last beyond 10 years. The peak year for divorces is after only 4 years of marriage. Two thirds of divorces are instigated by the wife. 60% of married women would divorce their husbands immediately if they could afford it, 50% of married men feel unloved (those last 2 were in the news last week). Cohabiting couples are even less successful. Couples used to "stay together for the sake of the children" but started divorcing when the law made it financially survivable for women.

So, here's your reality check. It's only single women who think marriage is desirable. Men, and married women, think marriage is rubbish.

Women would be better off living in all-female households. Get a male lover and/or get pregnant when it suits you, but otherwise rely on each other for support. It's what women do already, but without the burden of a useless man.

Patrick Simpson, Oxford, UK

Marriage has become a very 'bad deal' for men in the UK. Women want to get married but later if they become bored or fancy a change the husband will find himself thrown out of the family home divested of his children and assets.
Statistics show that most divorces are initiated by women but as this article demonstrates so are most marriages.
Unless men are given some real rights and protection under Britains divorce laws then they are crazy to get married.
Accusing men of behaving like 'boys' is missing the point marriage now works entirely in the interest of women so you cant blame the men if they no longer want to get involved in it.

Jack, Manila,

Hmmm .. many men are wary of marriage for very practical and rational reasons. Marriage represents loss of freedom and, despite decades of feminism, it still generally means a significant transfer of wealth from groom to bride (.. how is it so many career women manage to blow so much of their money on clothes, shoes and overseas trips, etc etc ?) And also financial ruination for men in the statistically likely event it all ends in divorce. Sure, having kids are wonderful, but odds are you'll end up losing all meaningful access to them thanks to the Family Court. Net result: "run for the hills"

Karl, Auckland, New Zealand

I am 38 this year. I am sick of hearing 30-something women complain about men of their age group. At university 15 years ago I found that most girls were looking for comfort, security and 'lifestyle', and simply, most men in their early 20's couldn't provide that. The cynical material fact is that the younger women of today still want slightly older men because they can provide more due to their disposable incomes and more affluent lifestyles. Perhaps these women in their 30's need to look at themselves in some cases rather than blame all men for what they cannot get. They should try being a poor guy in their early 20's - it's not easy girls!

Tim, London, UK

It is malicious and quite unfair to blame the legitimate desires and rights of the individual to freedom, equality and profession for the complexity of the current situation.

Love is not obligatory and is not the only way to happiness. In addition, love is not about making self-sacrifices, about restrictions and ultimatums. Quite the contrary, it is essentially liberating and inspirational and therefore rare and very hard to find. Unfortunately, the exquisiteness is accessible to the few lucky ones and you cannot blame feminism for that.

For some people love is prerequisite for happiness. For some, it is not. It is thanks to feminism that we both, men and women, have options now. So, you can either strive for love and be lucky enough to find it, or you can settle for less, or you can try to find inner happiness by making yourself a better person. In the end, that is the only reason why we are here.

Tasha, Belgrade, Serbia

In my experience (as a single 36-year-old Englishman who has lived and worked in London, New York and now resides in Sydney), I can assure you that if you did some in-depth analysis on the drift-away-from-commitment you allude to in your article you will realise that it's nothing of the sort. In fact we are to a very large extent driven away from commitment by women that during their 20's have the pick of the pack - and use that supply/demand advantage (have you been in club/bar in London recently and seen more 20-something women in there than men?) to merciless extents to pick-and-choose at will their partners, and if something “better” comes along you’re dropped at a moments notice. The uncertainty, the lack of consistency that men experience from women during their 20s is what has caused this “drift”.

However, what is now being described in Sydney as the “30’s Flip” puts paid to that. As women move into their 30s and grow up enough to realise what they want is not actually very often contained in the body of some muscle bound freak, those men sensitive enough to have thought about the situation are now so disenchanted with women their own age they seek out the 20-somethings who now appear to have matured faster than the previous generation and appreciate the qualities of men in their 30’s….and we watch women flounder and blame us…ho hum!

Graeme, Sydney, Australia

The problem with modern women is that they're turning into men! that disgusting cultural phenomena of the early nineties 'the ladette' is a good example. Call me sexist, but I don't like seeing women drinking pints of lager, obsessing over football, engaging in casual sex etc... Women are the upholders of human dignity, compassion and intelligence, but in British culture they've become coarse and are losing their identity.

Jay P, South o the river,

Marriage for men under today's divorce laws is little more than a hostage taking. Close to insane for men to bet the emotional and financial ranch on marriage which today has a 50% chance of failure. Besides, family life doesn't produce much happiness when government policy forces all but the wealthiest couples to work long hours to make ends meet.

MARK KLEIN, M.D., OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA

London is full of single women who are 'thirty something' and who have had a great time over the past twenty years generally putting men down and treating them like shit for no better reason than to feel better about themselves and to show off to their friends.
Now men don't want them. So why are they surprised?

John Hall, Wilmington, Vermont USA

This is pretty harsh stuff. I can look at my phone addressbook now and find a dozen early thirties intelligent, witty, decent, professional, graduate men who would love nowt more than a girlfriend. Of course they are not that handsome (just normal) or rich, so women just pass them by. Maybe it's because we live in London, but it is unfair both ways so please don't characterize us all by an outdated stereotype.

M. Williams, London, UK

As a single mature (omg I hate that word) woman I'd like to comment.

I've been free and footloose, married twice now divorced, a career woman obsessed with perfection, pursued the pursuer, fled and retreated, rethought, planned and flunked... and now find myself stranded on lonely planet wondering what it's all about (cliche). If Alfie were around I'd shag him, but instead feel there is something increasingly missing that's essential to any relationship and may in fact be going out of style.

The neurons are arranged much differently than they were 'back in the day'; social exigenices demanded fewer matrices and there were fewer glamourous distractions. Some of the changes are good; some leave those with a still-faintly beating heart wanting.

Those with a beating heart are treated like sophisticated farm animals worried about progeny and the people who left off with feeling prefer neurons and investments...

It's a mess, that's why I look at dysfunctional romantic comedies.

Elan Durham, Santa Monica, CA/US

The divorce rate is 50%.
More than two thirds of divorces are initiated by the wife.
After pregnancy, Mum devotes all her attention to the children and Dad is just a paycheck.
After pregnancy, Mum says she cares about her figure but in practise acts otherwise.
The financial and emotional losers from a divorce are men.

Would you invest your savings in a business that had this rate of failure?

Phil, Nottingham,

It's no different in the States. As I've gotten older (39), I find older men (i.e., my age) pretty much of a turn-off. Online, these guys indicate that they'd date an 18 year old, but wouldn't date a woman their own age. Out of curiosity, I emailed one guy and asked why that was. The answer was that they were likely to have less baggage. There seems to be an assumption that you have baggage if you are older, and that's really unfortunate. At this point, I'm going to let fate decide if I am meant to be with someone and have kids.

Leigh, Savannah, USA

Of course some young men are very different, I for example am perfectly happy (understatement of the century, but there we are) being with my fiancé, I feel no urge to go looking for anything extra because I have all I'll ever want and need with her.

Tim Hamilton, Chatham,

Ladies, look at the dating stats above. Men, all men, want to marry a 24 year-old. So if the man you are with when you are 24 doesn't want to marry you then, flick him and get one that does.

Paul Obvious, Brisbane, Australia

Just wait for the married ones to get divorced.

Bruno, NYC,

Who said ALL 30+ singleton females were terrified of the so-called 'baby-bomb'? How about the ones who don't give a damn about it? Or marriage for that matter?

J. D. Bridge, Toronto,

Morrissey put it well: "If you're so funny, why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very entertaining, why do you sleep alone tonight?"
Perhaps single women should think what they could do to make themselves more appealing to men as potential partners. here's a clue: it has nothing, or very little to do with beauty, grooming, clothes etc - and a lot to do with being patient, kind, trusting, generous and interesting. All of which men have to do as well, of course.

David Miller, London,

its quite simple, you women wanted freedom, equality, a profession, but half of you forgot about dating, forgot what you where, and now you are all middle aged, with a baby time bomb ticking in you head! You can't have everything.....

Jame Thonpson, cardiff, uk

I find it amusing that you consider men to be lesser than we once were. The manly men with which you're comparing us postmodern 'men-boys' are the very chauvinist monsters whose suppression you fought so long to overcome. Do you really think that enduring marriages of the past arose because a young woman actually managed to find the 'Mr. Right' who you're convinced no longer exists?

You're deluded if you think that marriages of the past were based on some mythical mutual chemistry, where men were men and weren't in touch with their feelings. Those relationships were far more likely based on serious repression in the face of far less secular ideas of how women and men should relate; the very same ideas which held women in such low regard in relation to men.

Kevin Ratcliffe, London, UK

A man needs a woman like a fish needs a bicycle.

Sound familiar?

Richard, Manchester,

In America divorce is a punishable offense if you are a man. Even if the divorce is instigated by the woman. And after children men are treated only as a paycheck for child care. In the future maybe marriage will be for companionship with childrearing & sex will be handled by paid professionals.

Rex, Costa Mesa, California

Boo Hoo. Does this new age self assured female moaning never end. Do you see column inches devoted to men whining on that they can't find 'the one' these days because single 30 something women seem selfish and devoted to the shallow materialistic lifestyle of 'Sex in the City' than to mutual devotion to a partner and family. Guess what ladies, you can't have it all and those of us mere mortal males who aren't board room giants or charismatic billionaires have known it for years. Lifes hard, harden up. Open yourself up to the prospect of a relationship or don't, it's your choice. Fence sitting, cynasism and moaning just wont work though. Welcome to the real world - not really like Sex and the City at all is it.

Johno, Brisbane, Australia

The bio-clock goes off once again and you have hit the snooze button.

The fact is that most 20-something women want little to do with 20-something men, preferring 30-something men. When they become 30-something they have to compete with themselves 10 years younger: more fun, less baggage, and less cynical.
It's a leap year. Get out there girl and get proposing!
It's easy once you get over yourself.

fuguez aged 35 1/4 - single and loving it.

fuguez, mayfair/london,

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