Like Big Brother, shoestring straps (SSS) are an enduring condiment to the modern dish we call summer. And like BB, they just don't do it for anyone outside the 9-18 demographic. The most pressing problem isn't, contrary to received opinion, that they unleash arms that should never be unleashed on an already tired and hot nation. I'm not one of those body fascists who think that unless a woman has biceps like Madonna she should keep her arms shrouded. No, the pressing problem is the calamitous effect that they have on the neckline, shoulders and bust, which are often a woman's most alluring assets. It's a simple matter of geometry (not that geometry was ever simple, but that's because school never related it to issues that mattered, such as SSS). Tiny whippet-thin straps have the effect of making everything else look bigger: shoulders resemble those of a line-backer, breasts look like torpedoes or flattened fried eggs. And unless your breasts are self-supporting, SSS leave your bra straps over-exposed - a look that should truly be left to teenagers.

The final insanity is that SSS bisect the clavicle - the one part of the female anatomy that is fat-proof throughout her life - in a most unbecoming way.

None of this should get us down since there are several more-than-workable alternatives. For the first two, we should thank Dame Helen Mirren, who has done the footwork for us, appearing over and over in a variety of swooping V-lines and scoop necks. Note how they gently but elegantly frame her collarbone and hint at, rather than salivate about, her breasts. For flatter chests, a slashed boatneck, asymmetric line or strapless approach look chic. As for sleeves, short and fluttery is good, as is a butterfly sleeve. If you're hooked on the sporty look of a vest, layer it over a short-sleeve T, and rejoice that you won't resemble Pat Butcher.

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