Her age is irrelevant
Excuse me, but is there some controversy attaching to this photo? If so, I
can't see what it might be. I've fancied Helen Mirren for as long as I can
remember. I fancied her in Prime Suspect, I fancied her in Calendar Girls,
and dammit if I didn't fancy her (a bit) in The Queen.
And guess what? I fancy her now. Put it this way, I spent a lot longer
studying this shot than having to produce a mere 200 words would normally
justify. She's gorgeous. Her age is an utter irrelevance. I bet most men,
and probably a lot of women, feel the same way. That Helen Mirren is
fanciable is a given, a truism, a tautology, like saying Elvis was a good
singer or Albert Einstein was clever. She's also smart and subversive,
flirty and funny, all of which of course add to the appeal.
I've had the good fortune to interview her, not once but twice, the second
time last year, and as I wrote then, she's not “sexy for 62” but “sexy, full
stop”.
I'm going to put in for a third interview, any excuse will do, and this time
I'll ask if we can do it on the beach.
Robert Crampton
Fruity and vibrant
One could discuss for ever the causes, and implications, of Helen Mirren's
continuing hotness. You could be all “Russian genes” this, and “No children”
that, and “Does this mean old biddies can be sexy?” the other.
But this would be - and you know this, if you consider it for a second - a
punch in the face of joy. You don't need to analyse Mirren. You don't need
to break her down. One does not analyse Nature's most fabulous outrages.
Would you run tests on the cherry blossom of Japan? Catalogue the
socio-political ramifications of a sunset? Search out data on a heron
knifing into the lake?
When I look at Helen Mirren, thighing her way into the warm sea, I feel a
surge in me - a huge, joyous surge, as big as if I were eating a pancake.
Fabulous Mirren, I think. Still non-collapsible and fruity. Vibrant in a
century of dolorous decay. As cheering as a mongrel in the front seat of a
convertible - or a child, twirling in new yellow shoes.
When you look at these pictures, say to yourself, “It is 10.30am on Thursday,
July 17, 2008, and I am looking at Helen Mirren's awesome, deathless tits
and ass. The world is beautiful.”
Caitlin Moran
An unsettling image
Scanning a newsstand on the way to work yesterday, I felt faintly revolted.
“The Queen in a bikini”, said the strapline, next to a paparazzi shot
focusing on a generously-stocked bikini top.
“For the love of God, please tell me they haven't papped the Queen,” I
thought. “Please tell me they didn't trick me into looking at Her Majesty's
knockers.” I realised, with some relief, that the body was that of Dame
Helen Mirren. And what a body - one that many girls would kill for.
But that's exactly why it's still an unsettling image - though clearly not as
unsettling as an elderly sovereign in a state of undress. She is old enough
to be my mother. Old enough to be my grandmother, in fact. It's like one of
those doctored images where the face of a fat Chinese boy is pasted on to
David Beckham's half-naked body.
Yet if I'm honest, the image is not discomfiting because the face doesn't
match the perfectly-toned body. It's because it dupes me into looking at a
picture of a woman born just after VE Day in the same way I would look at
one of Kelly Brooke.
There may be a time when I think of 62-year-old women like that - but not
until some time round 2050.
Marcus Leroux
She looks fantastic
Ooh, where is your inner feminist when you need her? Blimey! Wish I looked
like that, and I'm not yet 40 (just). Something has been preying on my mind
since I read it in times2 a couple of weeks ago. It was Julie Walters
talking about the movie of Mamma Mia!. Walters, who is 58, said of the three
actresses in the leading parts, which involve getting drunk and leering at
men: “We said this is probably the last time we'll ever get parts like this,
where you can be a bit pretty and can actually pull a bloke. We're all
knocking 60. It gets a bit ooon-seeem-illy.”
Does it? With a face full of character like Walters you ought to be able to
pull all the way to your coffin: her comment sounded defensive and a little
sad. I like to think Helen Mirren's picture is her answer to that. On the
Daily Mail website, amid a “wow!” of comments from American women who are
rightly derogatory about the “stick insects” of Hollywood, “Darren” in the
UK comments thus: “She outshines some of the fat 20-somethings I see
waddling around. She looks amazing.” And so, I suspect, say most of us.
Inner feminist be damned. The woman looks fantastic.
Alice Miles
Arising like Aphrodite
I simply do not see what the fuss is about. Of course, Helen Mirren looks
good. She is a beautiful woman, and she keeps herself in good shape, with no
expense spared, I imagine, with gym, and masseur, coiffeur and beauticians.
So she is well-toned - no sagging pecs, a taut midriff and magnificent
boobs. She has an adult intellect. It is a bloody impertinence for paparazzi
to snap her while she is bathing at her country retreat. And they might have
let her clear her hair from her eyes when arising like Aphrodite from her
swim.
But those who live by the sword of celebrity must expect to be persecuted by
those venal swordsmen, the snappers. And I dare say that she was not
displeased to be snapped. That is, after all, her metier. It is a
neo-classical heresy to believe that only the young are beautiful. Of
course, kittens have inchoate charm. But the most beautiful women of any
generation, from Cleopatra to Marie Antoinette to Queen Alexandra have been
the older women. Ripe Coxes are far, far better than green crab apples.
Helen Mirren is beautiful at 62. So where's the wonder? I could show you a
woman aged 70 this year who is far more beautiful. Grow up, children. You
will.
Philip Howard
Women are bullied
No sarongs for Helen, then, eh? You'll recall it was Allison Pearson who
remarked, on seeing photos of Princess Beatrice in a bikini not so long ago:
“Can't someone buy the poor girl a sarong? For her sake, as well as ours.”
Where did she make these remarks? Fancy that, I believe it was in the Daily
Mail - so at least we can award it the coveted Consistency in Swimsuit
Journalism Award. Congratulations!
Think of it like Orwell's Animal Farm and chant to yourself, Thin
Thighs Good, Fat Thighs Bad! Thin Thighs Good, Fat Thighs Bad! Getting the
hang of it? Well done.
To really get you in the mood, you can click on the Mail's website and
see, just below the Mirren story (many more snaps of her loveliness online,
fellas), this one: “No pay rise for This Morning's Fern Britton
after gastric band controversy.” That'll teach her, won't it?
That's what this bullying - and bullying it is - amounts to. As for me,
I hope Dame Helen's having a nice holiday. She deserves it; and many
congratulations too. But not for the Daily Mail's reasons.
Erica Wagner
