Alpha
Mummy: Do first wives make second wives suffer?
For every happy clappy Jerry Hall-ish story you read about amicable break-ups,
and every cheerfully chaotic account of a blended family set-up that works,
there are thousands of acrimonious break-ups. There are stepchildren who
don't like Daddy's new wife on their own account, or because the second wife
has been given a bad press by the ex. One second wife who sees her husband's
children every weekend says: “It's a nightmare. We have no private fun time,
and it's clear that the children, who would prefer to be in their own
neighbourhood with their own friends, resent me. I try to be nice to them
because it is not their fault, this situation, but mainly what they say to
me is, ‘Mum wouldn't give us this food, or mum would take us to the cinema,
not a boring museum'.”
Why not blame the hysterical psycho?
But the difficult relationship between second wives and-ex wives is not always
to do with children. Unfinished emotional business from the first marriage,
financial difficulties and other non-child-related problems from the first
marriage often hitch a ride on the second marriage. It doesn't make sense to
blame the husband for these problems (reader, she married him), so why not
blame to the hysterical “psycho” (a word that second wives use a lot) who
phones up every five minutes?
It's a stressful situation for all, but now, second wives are saying the
stress is making them ill. According to a survey conducted by the British
Second Wives Club (BSWC), a web-based support network for second wives
experiencing problems related to the husband's first marriage, 63 per cent
of members report soaring stress levels in the first three years of the
relationship. Linda Mellor, founder of the club, says the most common
stress-related health problems reported are migraines, IBS, weight loss,
chronic fatigue, depression and sleep disorders.
But is it really fair to blame all of these symptoms on irritating
ex-syndrome, or are the second wives' symptoms due to other problems in
their lives, or problems in the second relationship? Mellor says: “Though 49
per cent of members reporting symptoms have said they have suffered
migraines and IBS previously during other stressful times, being with a
partner who has a difficult ex-wife has meant that these problems have
increased in frequency.”
Growing, too, is the web presence of groups to support put-upon second wives.
As well as the BSWC, there is secondwivescafe.com, secondwives.com, while
divorcenet.com has a forum for second wives and stepmothers. Topics include
“How do you reason with Stupid?” and “She's got issues.” But the bad
feelings run in the other direction, too. In the book American Stepfamilies,
by William R Beer, an author who became a stepchild himself while writing
the book, says: “The first wife feels jealous of the second wife because of
worries about her influence on the children.” He says the hostility of
second wives towards first wives is “extraordinarily intense” and quotes
second wives who say things like, “I can really understand how people kill
other people'.”
"Our stress levels went through the roof'
Hardly surprising then that second wives (and perhaps first ones as well) are
feeling unwell. One British second wife says: “I've had depression,
migraines, and catch every virus doing the rounds because I am constantly
stressed about money issues to do with his ex-wife and the pressure that
puts us under.”
Another reports: “During my husband's divorce battle I had constant IBS. It
disappeared once the financial side of things was sorted out and he got
regular contact with his daughter.” Another second wife club member says
that both she had her partner suffered ill-effects from a protracted
divorce. “Both of our stress levels went through the roof. We both had poor
appetites and lost weight and I was crying a lot of the time. I don't think
I've ever been so low.”
While many of the self-reported health problems are related to worries about
finances, the cost of solicitors, alimony and so on, lots of stress is due
to unfinished emotional baggage carrying over into the second marriage. The
BSWC members I spoke with do not apportion blame to the husband, but paint
the ex-wives as control freaks, revenge-driven, and in one instance,
mentally ill. There is much talk about ex-wives stalking the second wife,
bad mouthing her to the children, making unreasonable financial and other
demands on the husband, dragging her feet about final divorce and custody
arrangements.
One woman said her partner's ex-wife sent a letter round to his friends and
family saying that the second wife's new baby was not fathered by her
partner, and on another occasion, accused the second wife of sending a
funeral wreath to her home. “I've been constantly ill through the stress of
dealing with this, but I don't hate her. I feel nothing for her. Though I
have other stresses in my life, if she left us alone, I would have more
resources to cope with other problems. Before this, I was never ill. I think
her intention is to split us up, but in fact, it has made us closer as a
couple.”
While it is good to be united in the face of adversity, it is often not enough
to offset the effects of adversity. Psychotherapist Susanna Abse, who
counsels couples at The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships in north
London, says: “The second couple can feel very close because it is ‘us
against her, that nutcase down the road who rings up every time she needs a
light bulb changing' but that is a transitional feeling, not the basis for a
relationship.”
Indeed, it is a distinct lack of a honeymoon period for second marriages, a
closeness that excludes all others, which is made impossible by the presence
of an ex-wife and children, that can contribute to problems in the second
marriage. “When you have a love affair, it is very intense, but then the
real world intervenes and the couple has to manage that moment when you go
from this intense twosome feeling to allowing the world in, or a ‘third'
element,” Abse says. “With a second marriage, that ‘third' is there from the
start, the first wife, so there is no honeymoon period and from the start
the couple have to manage a lot of disappointment from the previous
relationship.”
And surely if the husband has left the first wife for the second wife, the
chances of the first wife feeling extremely angry rise? Annie O' Neil, a
divorce coach and neurolinguistic programming practitioner who runs the
life-coaching business New Horizons, says not necessarily. “When there is
someone else involved at least there is a clear reason for the break-up. If
the relationship broke up just because one partner felt unhappy, it is less
clear and so more difficult for the person being left. The subsequent
behaviour and reactions can be very knee-jerk and petty and driven by
bitterness. It is more helpful for the people splitting up to think about
what they want five years down the line.”
Fine in theory, but in practice, BSWC members report that the first wife's
bitter feelings seem to be directed at them, often relentlessly.
What about the husband's role?
But while they blame the ex-wives for their stress-related problems, what part
is the husband playing? Denise Knowles, counsellor for Relate, says: “How
well or not things go is not just down to the first wife or the second wife,
but how the husband deals with his ex-wife. It is very easy to blame the
person you are not in a relationship with. Sometimes the vitriol shown
towards the ex-wife is a smoke screen for something else that is going on in
the couple relationship. I would ask what is the husband's role in this?
Maybe the problem is that he doesn't see how much the first relationship is
impacting on his current one,” Knowles says.
But the pain caused by even the most spiteful ex-wife can be eased. Linda
Mellor says: “Members suffering from physical symptoms of stress try
alternative medicine, or do yoga, mediation, running and some regular
physical activity. That seems to help a great deal. It also helps to talk to
others who know exactly what you are going through.”
www.thebritishsecondwivesclub.co.uk
