Alpha Mummy: Do first wives make second wives suffer?

For every happy clappy Jerry Hall-ish story you read about amicable break-ups, and every cheerfully chaotic account of a blended family set-up that works, there are thousands of acrimonious break-ups. There are stepchildren who don't like Daddy's new wife on their own account, or because the second wife has been given a bad press by the ex. One second wife who sees her husband's children every weekend says: “It's a nightmare. We have no private fun time, and it's clear that the children, who would prefer to be in their own neighbourhood with their own friends, resent me. I try to be nice to them because it is not their fault, this situation, but mainly what they say to me is, ‘Mum wouldn't give us this food, or mum would take us to the cinema, not a boring museum'.”

Why not blame the hysterical psycho?

But the difficult relationship between second wives and-ex wives is not always to do with children. Unfinished emotional business from the first marriage, financial difficulties and other non-child-related problems from the first marriage often hitch a ride on the second marriage. It doesn't make sense to blame the husband for these problems (reader, she married him), so why not blame to the hysterical “psycho” (a word that second wives use a lot) who phones up every five minutes?

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• Alpha Mummy: Do first wives make second wives suffer?

It's a stressful situation for all, but now, second wives are saying the stress is making them ill. According to a survey conducted by the British Second Wives Club (BSWC), a web-based support network for second wives experiencing problems related to the husband's first marriage, 63 per cent of members report soaring stress levels in the first three years of the relationship. Linda Mellor, founder of the club, says the most common stress-related health problems reported are migraines, IBS, weight loss, chronic fatigue, depression and sleep disorders.

But is it really fair to blame all of these symptoms on irritating ex-syndrome, or are the second wives' symptoms due to other problems in their lives, or problems in the second relationship? Mellor says: “Though 49 per cent of members reporting symptoms have said they have suffered migraines and IBS previously during other stressful times, being with a partner who has a difficult ex-wife has meant that these problems have increased in frequency.”

Growing, too, is the web presence of groups to support put-upon second wives. As well as the BSWC, there is secondwivescafe.com, secondwives.com, while divorcenet.com has a forum for second wives and stepmothers. Topics include “How do you reason with Stupid?” and “She's got issues.” But the bad feelings run in the other direction, too. In the book American Stepfamilies, by William R Beer, an author who became a stepchild himself while writing the book, says: “The first wife feels jealous of the second wife because of worries about her influence on the children.” He says the hostility of second wives towards first wives is “extraordinarily intense” and quotes second wives who say things like, “I can really understand how people kill other people'.”

"Our stress levels went through the roof'

Hardly surprising then that second wives (and perhaps first ones as well) are feeling unwell. One British second wife says: “I've had depression, migraines, and catch every virus doing the rounds because I am constantly stressed about money issues to do with his ex-wife and the pressure that puts us under.”

Another reports: “During my husband's divorce battle I had constant IBS. It disappeared once the financial side of things was sorted out and he got regular contact with his daughter.” Another second wife club member says that both she had her partner suffered ill-effects from a protracted divorce. “Both of our stress levels went through the roof. We both had poor appetites and lost weight and I was crying a lot of the time. I don't think I've ever been so low.”

While many of the self-reported health problems are related to worries about finances, the cost of solicitors, alimony and so on, lots of stress is due to unfinished emotional baggage carrying over into the second marriage. The BSWC members I spoke with do not apportion blame to the husband, but paint the ex-wives as control freaks, revenge-driven, and in one instance, mentally ill. There is much talk about ex-wives stalking the second wife, bad mouthing her to the children, making unreasonable financial and other demands on the husband, dragging her feet about final divorce and custody arrangements.

One woman said her partner's ex-wife sent a letter round to his friends and family saying that the second wife's new baby was not fathered by her partner, and on another occasion, accused the second wife of sending a funeral wreath to her home. “I've been constantly ill through the stress of dealing with this, but I don't hate her. I feel nothing for her. Though I have other stresses in my life, if she left us alone, I would have more resources to cope with other problems. Before this, I was never ill. I think her intention is to split us up, but in fact, it has made us closer as a couple.”

While it is good to be united in the face of adversity, it is often not enough to offset the effects of adversity. Psychotherapist Susanna Abse, who counsels couples at The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships in north London, says: “The second couple can feel very close because it is ‘us against her, that nutcase down the road who rings up every time she needs a light bulb changing' but that is a transitional feeling, not the basis for a relationship.”

Indeed, it is a distinct lack of a honeymoon period for second marriages, a closeness that excludes all others, which is made impossible by the presence of an ex-wife and children, that can contribute to problems in the second marriage. “When you have a love affair, it is very intense, but then the real world intervenes and the couple has to manage that moment when you go from this intense twosome feeling to allowing the world in, or a ‘third' element,” Abse says. “With a second marriage, that ‘third' is there from the start, the first wife, so there is no honeymoon period and from the start the couple have to manage a lot of disappointment from the previous relationship.”

And surely if the husband has left the first wife for the second wife, the chances of the first wife feeling extremely angry rise? Annie O' Neil, a divorce coach and neurolinguistic programming practitioner who runs the life-coaching business New Horizons, says not necessarily. “When there is someone else involved at least there is a clear reason for the break-up. If the relationship broke up just because one partner felt unhappy, it is less clear and so more difficult for the person being left. The subsequent behaviour and reactions can be very knee-jerk and petty and driven by bitterness. It is more helpful for the people splitting up to think about what they want five years down the line.”

Fine in theory, but in practice, BSWC members report that the first wife's bitter feelings seem to be directed at them, often relentlessly.

What about the husband's role?

But while they blame the ex-wives for their stress-related problems, what part is the husband playing? Denise Knowles, counsellor for Relate, says: “How well or not things go is not just down to the first wife or the second wife, but how the husband deals with his ex-wife. It is very easy to blame the person you are not in a relationship with. Sometimes the vitriol shown towards the ex-wife is a smoke screen for something else that is going on in the couple relationship. I would ask what is the husband's role in this? Maybe the problem is that he doesn't see how much the first relationship is impacting on his current one,” Knowles says.

But the pain caused by even the most spiteful ex-wife can be eased. Linda Mellor says: “Members suffering from physical symptoms of stress try alternative medicine, or do yoga, mediation, running and some regular physical activity. That seems to help a great deal. It also helps to talk to others who know exactly what you are going through.”

www.thebritishsecondwivesclub.co.uk

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