I am hoping that this week’s column will spread across the land like malignant bacteria, infecting all in its path with Messianic zeal. Well, it is that shopping-for-crap, drinking-with-the-enemy, Messianic-zeal time of year, so here are my tidings of great joy: I am launching the Road Politeness movement in the popular presses.

Road Politeness is the opposite of Road Rage. It is about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, and in the process perplexing them and having fun at their expense. I am tempted by another title such as Car Cordiality or Dull Deferential Drivers, but the Road Politeness campaign has already been formed online by Katy Newton, who writes the Everything Is Electric blog.

Newton’s conversion to politeness occurred when two men in a people-carrier began swearing and made aggressive get-a-move-on gestures when she took her time turning, being careful not to scrape other cars. Newton waited until the men were trapped behind her on a narrow road, switched on her hazard lights, slowly got out, tapped on their window, and apologised at length – in the minutest detail – for her crime. Then she complimented the men on their vehicle. "It has been a real pleasure meeting you and your passenger," she finished, before getting back into her car, sorting her CDs and bag carefully, and driving gently off.

I made my own decision to convert to politeness some months ago after I realised my once-a-week school run brought me out in hives. (Normally we walk. I only get in that car out of direst need, because I am sore afraid of the dark hour when the mummies rise up, arm themselves with lipstick, and ride out in their battle tanks.) So, full of generosity and love for my fellow woman, I rolled into North London at 3.30pm, waving people cheerfully ahead, making way, and refusing to fight for parking spaces. The reaction was of gobsmacked, open-mouthed surprise – or just a pitying "loser" stare. After much cordiality, I found myself in front of a school, between two rows of parked cars. I waited politely as one white van came through, and then another. As I waited, the woman behind got out of her black Mercedes, which contained two primary-sized kids, and shouted: "What the f*** do you think you’re doing? Don’t let them through. Get a f****** move on. Stupid cow." The school pupils outside observed this with interest.

Not easy turning the other cheek, is it? Yet we in the Road Politeness movement struggle on, sharing our successes. Another splendid blogger, Kitchen Witch, has a husband, Mr KW, who favours using the airs and graces of a Victorian gentleman when attacked: "I do most humbly apologise for the grievous inconvenience I have caused you," he will say during a fracas over a petrol pump.

There is also the Road Weirdness movement, only possible in a face-to-face confrontation. They suggest that inexplicable non sequiturs will flummox a shouty person: "Have you noticed your hatstand is slightly left leaning?" is apparently good, or "What a fine bunch of marrows you have!" I favour smiling maniacally and saying, "So sorry. I thought for a moment you were Jesus..."

Of course, there are places where politeness is the only safe option. Last year Florida State passed a law allowing its gun-loving residents to use "deadly force" if they felt dangerously threatened in their cars – previously they could just defend their homes. But an American’s 4x4 is his castle, so advertisements warned British tourists: "Please ensure your family is safe… Use special caution in arguing with motorists on Florida roads."

Having motored in Paris and Manhattan for a number of years, I do not lack abusive skills at the wheel, including the ability to swear in many tongues and drive single-handed while gesturing unkindly. I also learnt never, ever to indicate in New York, in case they guess where you’re going. But there comes a time to throw away childish habits, and those American Road Rage flip books with signs saying: "Stop Tailgating!", "Speed Up, Jackass", and "I Hope That Cellphone Fries Your Brain". Instead, I intend to print my own Road Politeness signs: "Awfully Sorry!", "Oops!", "I’ll Just Get Out Of Your Way, Sir!" and "It’s Only A Scratch..."

I foresee a future where Road Politeness will be the norm, and we shall all learn eco-driving: no more slamming the brakes on at the lights, and then racing off afterwards. An eerie calm will take hold of the streets and driving will be a graceful minuet, rather than a blood bath. And as one blogger wrote, no longer will innocent little children ask from the back seat: "Shall we give her the finger now, mummy?"

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