Samantha Lyster
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You regularly spring clean your home, your make-up bag, even your romantic relationship, but it may be those tried-and-true friendships with other women that could benefit most from a thorough clear-out.
Women are supposedly natural "bonders", forming faithful nurturing friendships with each other that stand the test of time - at least, that's how the thinking goes. Yet researchers from the Universite du Quebec at Montreal, Harvard University and Emmanuel College in Boston recently found that female same-sex friendships are significantly less tolerant, more volatile, and likelier to degrade based on a single negative incident than male same-sex friendships.
We should review our friendships on a regular basis, says therapist Ursula James, to access if they are having a positive or negative impact on our lives.
“As with any relationship, self confidence and assertiveness play a role,” says James, who is based in Marylebone, London. “If you are the one who makes all the effort, re-evaluate the relationship. Better to make room for new, good friends than hang onto someone who harms you emotionally.”
So how do you achieve happy, stress-free and trusted friendships? For those of us (ahem), who haven't always handled friendships in the best way, the experts have some advice:
1. Look at your own behaviour
Life coach Hannah Nutley says the first step is to look at yourself and examine how you behave in friendships. “It's important to understand your role in the relationship,” she says. “Taking responsibility for the way you interact with someone, and how it affects you, is the first step to creating changes.”
2. Take a step back
Mark Vernon, author of The Philosophy of Friendship, advises that people are patient with their friends, even if they are being annoying, because one day that could be you. “Everyone has periods in which they are not very good at being a friend,” he says. “So when your friend is not being a good friend, remember that the same will apply to you, sooner or later.”
3. Honesty is sometimes the best policy
Vernon also advocates airing any grievances with a friend rather than letting resentment build up. However, do so in a calm, measured way to minimise any potential for an argument. “Sometimes,” he says, “for the sake of a better friendship, friends have to risk speaking honestly with one another, in spite of the risks.”
4. Make the effort
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