Smash hit

AND IF SHE STILL DOESN'T GET THE MESSAGE

1 Come clean and tell it like it is: ‘I’m sorry, darling, but you’re too fat and I just don’t fancy you any more.’

Pros: courageously direct; not much chance of her failing to get the message; could be the short, sharp shock she needs.

Cons: tears, messiness, upset; further decline in self-esteem; further increase in weight.

2 Confide in her best friend and get her to do the dirty work for you

Pros: she will listen to her best friend in a way that she never listens to you.

Cons: suppose the BF betrays your confidence. Then you’ll end up being despised as a traitor and a wimp (“If that’s the way you feel, why didn’t you just come out and say it?”). And then probably dumped (“Well, it’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”).

3 Take her to a very expensive designer store — one selling clothes you need a certain kind of figure to squeeze into. Fashion will always be more compelling to a woman’s brain than reasoned argument

Pros: “Ohmygod — I’ve put on weight!” “Surely not, darling?” “I have! I have! I can’t fit into anything any more. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Cons: very expensive once she sheds the pounds.

4 Book yourselves onto a healthy, slimming holiday — say a week’s walking and colonic irrigation in the Alps. Pretend you’re doing it mainly for your benefit

Pros: she may learn to love her new healthier, slimmer body and resolve to keep it that way.

Cons: she might just spend the week stuffing herself on rösti, fondues and chocolate.

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