Anne Kreamer was 49 when she winced at a photograph of herself. She was
pictured alongside her teenage daughter and her old friend Aki, whose hair
was now grey. Alongside them she appeared, she had to admit, “like a
confused, schlubby middle-aged woman with a much-too-darkly shellacked
helmet of hair”. She had hitherto thought her long dark hair made her look
youthful. Now she saw her pretence for what it was – pretence. She decided
that in her 50th year she would embrace “authenticity”.
Going Gray(as she calls her book) was not a decision taken lightly. Kreamer
and her husband Kurt Andersen, the novelist, live in Manhattan, surrounded
by metropolitan media chic. Andersen writes for New York magazine and hosts
a radio arts programme. They founded Spy magazine with Graydon Carter. Nora
Ephron, screenwriter and wit, is a good friend. Ephron’s recent book, I
Feel Bad About My Neck, stated unequivocally that you can’t be grey-haired
in a creative milieu. “What has transformed women’s lives in our lifetime is
not feminism or aerobics,” Ephron wrote. “What has kept them in the
workplace is hair dye.”
Ephron had a good point. You wouldn’t catch me turning up at The Times with
greying locks. Once a brunette, always a brunette! Grey hair makes women
feel invisible. I’ve had the same long hair, same fringe since schooldays,
and the same hairdresser (Smile, first in Knightsbridge, then the Kings
Road) since 1969. It has been my prop: keeping the same hair, I could hold
back the tide. Indeed, my time-warp brown bob darkened with age. At my last
milestone birthday, my husband read out a parody of You are old, Father
William. “You grow old, Mrs Grove,” the husband said. “Yet your hair has
become very black . . .”
But recently I had a rethink, a lightbulb flash while sitting in the chair at
Smile. The incomparable Chris cut my hair short, layered it and lightened
it. It was amazing how different I felt. Younger, definitely. Unrecognisably
so. People in our tennis club thought that my husband was playing with a New
Woman. And my instinct was confirmed when Private Eye last week did one of
their lookalikes – my Times mugshot, hilariously likened to Olivier
playing Richard III.
So I was intrigued to meet Anne Kreamer, whose book is subtitled “What I
learned about beauty, sex, work, motherhood, authenticity and everything
else that really matters”. She looked terrific. Casual-chic, slender, and
completely, naturally grey. Over a porridge breakfast in an Edinburgh hotel
we agreed that we had clung on to our long dark fringed hairstyles because
we thought they were almost talismanic, indicating that you belong to the
age of rock’n’roll and are still jiving. Kreamer has, over the years, veered
from brunette towards red and blonde, but she was jet-black on her 40th
birthday, when her friend Larry told her she looked “like her own evil
twin”. Yet she stayed on the tyrannical treadmill of hair-colour upkeep for
another decade – $300 (£148) a time, and three hours in the chair, at least
every three weeks. But for whose benefit was she doing this? Like me, she
was no longer going to an office every day, surrounded by Bright Young
Things. So cui bono? “You’ve been married 30 years, you’re self-employed,
your kids are almost adults – who are you kidding?” she asked herself.
The dilemma about succumbing to grey gave her sleepless nights. Would she
remind her husband of his mother, as Jack Nicholson said in About Schmidt?
Did their relationship hinge on the colour of her hair? One daughter said,
go ahead; the younger one said she didn’t want “one of those old mommies”.
But Kreamer grasped the nettle: to hell with media-induced cultural hysteria
that dictates that grey is unsexy. Why not swim against the tide? Three
months into her transformation, with two-tone hair, she almost backslid.
Grey hair was like fog, rainy days, dirty laundry: a downer. She became a
self-conscious wallflower at parties. In Los Angeles, land of the honed and
toned and buffed and blonde, she shied away from joining the poolside
narcissists at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. But at Martha’s Vineyard, among
East Coast intellectuals, the idea of fussing over appearance suddenly
seemed shallow, sinful; here she realised that nobody cares a whit what
anyone else’s hair looks like.
And so she emerged, hair grey and shorter, feeling “sleek and light and
sophisticated and unencumbered and optimistic”. She was saving thousands of
dollars, and hours of time – and she still got “Hey, beautiful!” calls in
the street. This was the real revelation. Men find grey hair sexy. Men read
youth in “attitude and energy and vitality, and the way a woman carries
herself”. She experimented with theoretical internet dating: posting herself
as 50, separated, living in Brooklyn, no children – first as a brunette,
then after three months posting the same information but substituting
“silver hair”. “And do you know, four times as many men ‘winked’ me – which
is the online term for wanting to know you better – with my hair grey! Maybe
this is unique to New York, I thought. So I tried it in Chicago and LA as
well: and the national average was that three times as many men were
interested in me with grey hair.
“I was dumbfounded. It was counter-intuitive! We’re scared of losing our
sexual attractiveness, but the exact opposite happened.” Perhaps, she
concluded, at the age of 50, honesty and authenticity is valued by mature
males.
She didn’t actually go through the charade of dating anyone. But she did go
bar-hopping (with a couple of friends for protection) and discovered that
the hair was no barrier – “It’s all in the vibes” – although as a friendly
bartender advised, she’d be better off alone. “I met one guy, 36, a merchant
marine, cute, earnest, unmarried. I could have carried it further but I’m
not a good dissembler.”
What about the other lurking fear – being unwanted in the workplace? When she
worked at MTV, looking young had been “nonnegotiable”. Now, masquerading as
a “returner” whose children had grown up, she was advised by headhunters
that she was no longer hirable, except as a consultant. A grey-haired woman
over 40 is regarded as out of touch, even if she has expertise: “Not a good
fit” is US employers’ code for too old. “On Wall Street there is only one
woman, Ellen Levine of the Hearst Corporation, with fabulous white hair. But
she refused to be interviewed: she didn’t want to be known as the only
white-haired woman on Wall Street.”
The paradox, Kreamer points out, is that despite women’s progress, the range
of acceptable women’s looks has narrowed. In the shoulder-padded 1980s when
baby boomers turned 40, the illusion of perma-youthfulness became
obligatory. The breach between the dyers and nondyers is as great as that
between women in paid work and those who stay at home and look after their
children. And there is a sense of moral superiority in mothering and going
grey.
Image consultants advised Kreamer to up-date her clothes, to alter her palette
of colours and improve her silhouette (she shed 15lb, previously camouflaged
by her youthful hairstyle). Ninety seven per cent of the respondents in her
survey actually said that they would rather be thin and grey than overweight
with coloured hair. But perhaps her most interesting discovery was that in
the world of politics, “where maturity and experience should matter”, out of
16 female senators aged 54 to 76, not one has grey hair. If she finds a
British publisher she will turn her gaze on the equivalent Blair babes and
other women MPs. She has noticed, on holiday this summer in Gloucestershire,
the Lake District and Scotland, a greater prevalence of grey here than in
the US. Perhaps, she suspects, thanks to the European reverence for old
buildings and classical architecture, women enjoy a richer range of
acceptable beauty.
If only she were more French, instead of being so American, she writes.
Catherine Deneuve, Isabel Adjani and Juliette Binoche manage to age with
inherent style, without great artifice and without the American obsession
with looking youthful. She sought advice from Mireille Giuliano, author of French
Women Don’t Get Fat, who explained that French men value women of any
age who are “ bien dans sa peau” (comfortable in their skins). It
gives them a quiet confidence and serenity, that seductive je ne sais quoi.
Men (who are increasingly prone to dye their hair) should observe George
Clooney, Richard Gere, Paul Newman, Steve Martin – all gorgeously grey. I
asked Kreamer’s husband – whose hair is almost suspiciously dark – how he
liked being anchored to a grey-haired woman. “It was Anne’s decision. I have
never particularly noticed women’s hair colour, which is odd given that I
earn my living as an observer. I think her hair is lovely, and I’m glad
she’s not spending hundreds of dollars a month. But it’s not in the top five
or even ten things I care about with regard to my wife.”
It’s definitely in her top five, though. Its significance goes beyond external
appearance. “Having become honest about my looks, I became more honest in
dealing straight with people,” she told me. “It’s about growing up, evolving
as a person, letting go of crutches I don’t need. I didn’t anticipate this,
but I feel tremendously more grounded and confident with my hair its natural
colour.”
Could I be as brave? No. Not yet. If I ever do take the plunge, I know short
hair will make it easier. “But I don’t want people to feel bad about
colouring their hair,” Kreamer says. “I just want women to feel that they
have a choice. You can age any way you want to, and be comfortable about it.
Just because I don’t dye my hair doesn’t mean I can’t go out and buy a pair
of Manolos.”
At 44 I have a head of grey and strikingly white hair. I am getting married in July and planning quite a big wedding and it is only now, looking through magazines that I cannot align my hair with the 'bridal image'..but I'll get there because the image I present on the day will be the real me!
Sandra, Shropshire,
I started to go grey in my late 20's and dyed my hair for years , I stopped dyeing my hair when I was 42, Im now 46 , had it cut short, and its the best thing I ever did. I have had so many positive coments about it that I should have done it sooner.
So anyone thinking about going grey naturally, go for it.
Sandy Mccleary, Taupo, New Zealand
I am 30 and have been going grey since I was 18. I used to dye my hair but stopped about 6 years ago. I just didn't want to waste time and money dyeing my hair for the next 35 years or so.. The truth is that I have nearly bowed to pressure several times to dye my hair, as there is still part of me which feels less sexy with greying hair. Last month I was on my way home from work, planning to finally dye my hair brown and a male colleague stopped me to say how distinguished and funky he thought I looked with my grey hair. The bottle is still under the sink! As the grey hairs have increased, so have the compliments. Women and men often tell me how refreshing it is to see a young woman with white streaks who doesn't care!
Sarah, Osaka, Japan
My hair started to grey when I was 45. I was thrilled! At the time I was into red or black hair (dyed of course). But periodically would wait between treatments to see if the beautiful streaks(two of them , one on either side of my face) had spread and I could stop dyeing and begin the wonderful journey into white and silver . (As a child my idol was my second grade teacher, she had the most gorgeous silver hairand wore in in a modified pompador, she always wore lavenders and blues, she was my inspiration) Not the teaching part, but definitly stlye wise. My own grandmothers both sported beautiful white wavey hair.
Well here I am 65, and very little change in my hair. Stopped dying it in '95. I am so dissappointed that grey hair is now listed as practically a disease. I feel cheated!
Gertrude A Vermette, Bristol, NH, USA
I have just decided to go naturally grey having just turned 45 and silver won't leave me alone! Its a pretty shade of silver though!
Emmylou Silver I call it! She has the most beautiful shade of hair!!
lisa lawton, Manhattan, USA/Kansas
Grey voted as the hair colour of the next female president by a third of respondents - so a great colour!
Apparently grey looks better on brunette tones (so darker skin tone) which is great as im brunette and just started to colour. thanks to Jane for mentioning Nice'n'Easy - fyi Clairol's has a hair colour survey out today which shows that almost a 3rd of US women believe that the next female president will be grey and here in the UK it's brunette (although 14% of us British women believe the next female PM will be grey - not bad statistics on going grey gracefully!
claire, london, uk
I think that well-styled, well-cared-for grey hair can look great, especially teamed with bright lipstick/clothing colours such as fuchsia pink. But now for the science bit ... I read at least a decade ago that the University of Bradford (I think) Genetics Dept said they were working on a product that would be able to be used just like a shampoo, and it would restore the user's hair colour to its natural youthful state. Gen(i)es in a bottle! Where is it?! BRING IT ON, BRADFORD!!
Bel, London, UK
I dyed my hair for several years going through various shades of pale blonde, red, brunette - everything but black which makes me look witchy. No-one even commented on my (mid life crisis inspired) constantly changing colour. A couple of years ago I dyed for the last time (light copper) and now have reverted to my natural colour which is - honey blonde with pale highlights - I'm 50 years old. Not a strand of grey to be seen yet. .Yes, I know how lucky I am. The trouble is (and there is a problem!) I now have people asking me what colour I use and when I say 'nothing' have them giving me nasty sarcastic looks or even accusing me of lying. (My mother still only has white highlights in her light brown hair and she's 80 - my grandmother was not completely grey when she died at the age of 91).
The joke is I couldn't possibly afford colouring as good as my hair looks. (I always used Nice'n'Easy which by the way is great if you don't like your natural hair colour.
Jane, London, UK
I started to go grey in my teens and for 40 years struggled to colour it before letting it go almost pure white after I retired at 60 (coincidence?). Actually grey or white hair takes dye badly and doesn't hold the colour, locking you in to expensive hairdresser visits .
Because of the conspiracy of silence about grey hair, little research, beauty information or fashion help is available. Not all grey hair is the same type or the same colour. It needs special shampoo and products that make it shine, and a terrific cut to avoid the 'given up' look. Colours that work with dyed blonde hair don't work with grey. So how about some intelligent help from women's media instead of trotting out the same old irrelevant stuff?
J M, Oxford, UK
this article has just been published at the right time. for the past month i have been thinking about what to do with the gray streaks at my temples which are in sharp contrast to the rest of my brunette hair. is it socially acceptable sporting the badger-style? yes, it is! i´ve made up my mind to let nature take its natural course and step by step my brunette bob will now turn into a gray one. i will avoid cancer-linked hairdye and instead invest more money into hair cures as i think graying hair should be shiny. as an active person who dresses youthfully, applies make-up and has manicures i think graying hair won´t harm my looks. I agree with those who think most men with dyed hair look hilarious. Old guys like the raven haired Keith Richards (love his guitarplaying, though) and the orange haired Paul McCartney just look desperate. but many young men with funky dyed punk hair look pretty cool.
Asta, Hamburg, Germany
"many men find grey hair sexy" - and many men find women who are breathing sexy....
Surely Ms Kreamer should be mature enough at her age not to be bothered about being sexy ....
Maybe becoming gray is the first step in her leaving adolescence behind - Let us hope so.
Bill Adams , New Delhi, India
Ann Kreamer "noticed, on holiday this summer in Gloucestershire, the Lake District and Scotland, a greater prevalence of grey here than in the US".
I think there's a definite 'Celtic' trend in hair structure and colour over time, very visible in UK. Fine (i.e thin but dense) Irish / Scottish / Welsh / Breton hair seems to be associated with premature whitening, (mine stated 'going' above the ears at age 16!). Thicker, darker but less dense (i.e fewer hairs per mm2) "Euro-hair" seems to keep its colour longer.
As for men dyeing their hair. Look at Paul McCartney! Did you ever see anything more absurd? Tragic!
RIngo, London, UK
grey (and ash blonde) are the most beautiful hair colours of them all!
oliver
journalist and filmmaker
oliver, lucerne, switzerland
Catherine Deneuve injects gold(?) or some other metallic substance into her skin to keep yuthful so don't try & kid us!
I must admit I did see quite a few grey-haired women in Paris this summer but very few Spanish women go gracefully grey.
angela, madrid, spain
At 50 years old I still have naturally dark hair with just a couple of grey ones here and there.Friends and aquaintances however assume I colour my hair and when I deny this they look at me disbelievingly,a friend even checked my roots last week in a shopping centre because she didn't beleive me.It seems I can't win.Maybe I should start colouring my hair grey.
ann owen, gravesend, UK
Grey hair IS sexy, when it fits the package! Youth is overrated - there is a time to be young, and a time to leave youth behind. Age, maturity and experience has much to offer too - "comfortable in your own skin" says it perfectly.
(from a 42 year old man)
Robert Jones, Taunton, Somerset
I think gray hair can have a tremendous power to it. But not every woman can carry it off succesfully, that requires that certain something. Just look at Judi Dench, Joan Baez, Jane Alexander, Gwyneth Jones. Beautiful, confident, gracefull ladies all.
Lisa, Oxford,
As my dear old Mother-in-law used to say on the subject of whether to 'dye or not to dye', "Grow old gracefully my dear nature will always win!"
I took her advice, and have never looked back or been tempted to reach for that bottle of dye.
However, at 51 now , I look around me and see plenty of 'older women' possibly in their seventies with Blonde hair!!
It really does not do them justice, especially when they have prune faces and crinkly features. It accentuates they are wrinklies and no longer a 'mere slip of a gal' anymore and I cringe for them!
Beatrice, Basildon, UK
At last! An intelligent woman who has made a positive decision about being grey haired, rather than endlessly battling to avoid the tell-tale, badger line of the Dyed Woman. A male friend told me how he hated it that so many woman of a certain age seemed to have the same flat-coloured, mid-blonde hair that was incompatible with their age and it made me think. Why was I fighting so hard to control the thick white streak that had begun to appear in my hair in my late thirties? I had experimented with highlights and low-lights, all-over colours, but nothing looked truly natural - so I liberated myself and went grey. I have a good cut, take care of my hair and am happy with my choice. If you want to dye, fine, it's up to you - but me, I'm glad to be grey, 52 and confident!
Karen Noble, Rochester,
"like a confused, schlubby middle-aged woman with a much-too-darkly shellacked helmet of hairâ€. "
This is true of ladies who colour their own hair but modern hairdressers use wonderful natural looking colours, maybe three different shades.
I have two frends who went grey early and they were assumed to be 10 years older than they were despite both having young faces.
Her husband's lack of enthusiasm says it all!
Anne, Glasgow,
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