Anne Kreamer was 49 when she winced at a photograph of herself. She was
pictured alongside her teenage daughter and her old friend Aki, whose hair
was now grey. Alongside them she appeared, she had to admit, “like a
confused, schlubby middle-aged woman with a much-too-darkly shellacked
helmet of hair”. She had hitherto thought her long dark hair made her look
youthful. Now she saw her pretence for what it was – pretence. She decided
that in her 50th year she would embrace “authenticity”.
Going Gray(as she calls her book) was not a decision taken lightly. Kreamer
and her husband Kurt Andersen, the novelist, live in Manhattan, surrounded
by metropolitan media chic. Andersen writes for New York magazine and hosts
a radio arts programme. They founded Spy magazine with Graydon Carter. Nora
Ephron, screenwriter and wit, is a good friend. Ephron’s recent book, I
Feel Bad About My Neck, stated unequivocally that you can’t be grey-haired
in a creative milieu. “What has transformed women’s lives in our lifetime is
not feminism or aerobics,” Ephron wrote. “What has kept them in the
workplace is hair dye.”
Ephron had a good point. You wouldn’t catch me turning up at The Times with
greying locks. Once a brunette, always a brunette! Grey hair makes women
feel invisible. I’ve had the same long hair, same fringe since schooldays,
and the same hairdresser (Smile, first in Knightsbridge, then the Kings
Road) since 1969. It has been my prop: keeping the same hair, I could hold
back the tide. Indeed, my time-warp brown bob darkened with age. At my last
milestone birthday, my husband read out a parody of You are old, Father
William. “You grow old, Mrs Grove,” the husband said. “Yet your hair has
become very black . . .”
But recently I had a rethink, a lightbulb flash while sitting in the chair at
Smile. The incomparable Chris cut my hair short, layered it and lightened
it. It was amazing how different I felt. Younger, definitely. Unrecognisably
so. People in our tennis club thought that my husband was playing with a New
Woman. And my instinct was confirmed when Private Eye last week did one of
their lookalikes – my Times mugshot, hilariously likened to Olivier
playing Richard III.
So I was intrigued to meet Anne Kreamer, whose book is subtitled “What I
learned about beauty, sex, work, motherhood, authenticity and everything
else that really matters”. She looked terrific. Casual-chic, slender, and
completely, naturally grey. Over a porridge breakfast in an Edinburgh hotel
we agreed that we had clung on to our long dark fringed hairstyles because
we thought they were almost talismanic, indicating that you belong to the
age of rock’n’roll and are still jiving. Kreamer has, over the years, veered
from brunette towards red and blonde, but she was jet-black on her 40th
birthday, when her friend Larry told her she looked “like her own evil
twin”. Yet she stayed on the tyrannical treadmill of hair-colour upkeep for
another decade – $300 (£148) a time, and three hours in the chair, at least
every three weeks. But for whose benefit was she doing this? Like me, she
was no longer going to an office every day, surrounded by Bright Young
Things. So cui bono? “You’ve been married 30 years, you’re self-employed,
your kids are almost adults – who are you kidding?” she asked herself.
The dilemma about succumbing to grey gave her sleepless nights. Would she
remind her husband of his mother, as Jack Nicholson said in About Schmidt?
Did their relationship hinge on the colour of her hair? One daughter said,
go ahead; the younger one said she didn’t want “one of those old mommies”.
But Kreamer grasped the nettle: to hell with media-induced cultural hysteria
that dictates that grey is unsexy. Why not swim against the tide? Three
months into her transformation, with two-tone hair, she almost backslid.
Grey hair was like fog, rainy days, dirty laundry: a downer. She became a
self-conscious wallflower at parties. In Los Angeles, land of the honed and
toned and buffed and blonde, she shied away from joining the poolside
narcissists at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. But at Martha’s Vineyard, among
East Coast intellectuals, the idea of fussing over appearance suddenly
seemed shallow, sinful; here she realised that nobody cares a whit what
anyone else’s hair looks like.
And so she emerged, hair grey and shorter, feeling “sleek and light and
sophisticated and unencumbered and optimistic”. She was saving thousands of
dollars, and hours of time – and she still got “Hey, beautiful!” calls in
the street. This was the real revelation. Men find grey hair sexy. Men read
youth in “attitude and energy and vitality, and the way a woman carries
herself”. She experimented with theoretical internet dating: posting herself
as 50, separated, living in Brooklyn, no children – first as a brunette,
then after three months posting the same information but substituting
“silver hair”. “And do you know, four times as many men ‘winked’ me – which
is the online term for wanting to know you better – with my hair grey! Maybe
this is unique to New York, I thought. So I tried it in Chicago and LA as
well: and the national average was that three times as many men were
interested in me with grey hair.
“I was dumbfounded. It was counter-intuitive! We’re scared of losing our
sexual attractiveness, but the exact opposite happened.” Perhaps, she
concluded, at the age of 50, honesty and authenticity is valued by mature
males.
She didn’t actually go through the charade of dating anyone. But she did go
bar-hopping (with a couple of friends for protection) and discovered that
the hair was no barrier – “It’s all in the vibes” – although as a friendly
bartender advised, she’d be better off alone. “I met one guy, 36, a merchant
marine, cute, earnest, unmarried. I could have carried it further but I’m
not a good dissembler.”
What about the other lurking fear – being unwanted in the workplace? When she
worked at MTV, looking young had been “nonnegotiable”. Now, masquerading as
a “returner” whose children had grown up, she was advised by headhunters
that she was no longer hirable, except as a consultant. A grey-haired woman
over 40 is regarded as out of touch, even if she has expertise: “Not a good
fit” is US employers’ code for too old. “On Wall Street there is only one
woman, Ellen Levine of the Hearst Corporation, with fabulous white hair. But
she refused to be interviewed: she didn’t want to be known as the only
white-haired woman on Wall Street.”
The paradox, Kreamer points out, is that despite women’s progress, the range
of acceptable women’s looks has narrowed. In the shoulder-padded 1980s when
baby boomers turned 40, the illusion of perma-youthfulness became
obligatory. The breach between the dyers and nondyers is as great as that
between women in paid work and those who stay at home and look after their
children. And there is a sense of moral superiority in mothering and going
grey.
Image consultants advised Kreamer to up-date her clothes, to alter her palette
of colours and improve her silhouette (she shed 15lb, previously camouflaged
by her youthful hairstyle). Ninety seven per cent of the respondents in her
survey actually said that they would rather be thin and grey than overweight
with coloured hair. But perhaps her most interesting discovery was that in
the world of politics, “where maturity and experience should matter”, out of
16 female senators aged 54 to 76, not one has grey hair. If she finds a
British publisher she will turn her gaze on the equivalent Blair babes and
other women MPs. She has noticed, on holiday this summer in Gloucestershire,
the Lake District and Scotland, a greater prevalence of grey here than in
the US. Perhaps, she suspects, thanks to the European reverence for old
buildings and classical architecture, women enjoy a richer range of
acceptable beauty.
If only she were more French, instead of being so American, she writes.
Catherine Deneuve, Isabel Adjani and Juliette Binoche manage to age with
inherent style, without great artifice and without the American obsession
with looking youthful. She sought advice from Mireille Giuliano, author of French
Women Don’t Get Fat, who explained that French men value women of any
age who are “ bien dans sa peau” (comfortable in their skins). It
gives them a quiet confidence and serenity, that seductive je ne sais quoi.
Men (who are increasingly prone to dye their hair) should observe George
Clooney, Richard Gere, Paul Newman, Steve Martin – all gorgeously grey. I
asked Kreamer’s husband – whose hair is almost suspiciously dark – how he
liked being anchored to a grey-haired woman. “It was Anne’s decision. I have
never particularly noticed women’s hair colour, which is odd given that I
earn my living as an observer. I think her hair is lovely, and I’m glad
she’s not spending hundreds of dollars a month. But it’s not in the top five
or even ten things I care about with regard to my wife.”
It’s definitely in her top five, though. Its significance goes beyond external
appearance. “Having become honest about my looks, I became more honest in
dealing straight with people,” she told me. “It’s about growing up, evolving
as a person, letting go of crutches I don’t need. I didn’t anticipate this,
but I feel tremendously more grounded and confident with my hair its natural
colour.”
Could I be as brave? No. Not yet. If I ever do take the plunge, I know short
hair will make it easier. “But I don’t want people to feel bad about
colouring their hair,” Kreamer says. “I just want women to feel that they
have a choice. You can age any way you want to, and be comfortable about it.
Just because I don’t dye my hair doesn’t mean I can’t go out and buy a pair
of Manolos.”
I am 43, recently made redundant, wanting to let my hair go natural - which is sort of grey. I am a bit reluctant as I have young children (5 &3). Wondering if I can retain my youthful appearance (feeling young) with greyish hair. THe challenge is the growing out!
Jill Holdgate, Palmerston North, New Zealand
At 44 I have a head of grey and strikingly white hair. I am getting married in July and planning quite a big wedding and it is only now, looking through magazines that I cannot align my hair with the 'bridal image'..but I'll get there because the image I present on the day will be the real me!
Sandra, Shropshire,
I started to go grey in my late 20's and dyed my hair for years , I stopped dyeing my hair when I was 42, Im now 46 , had it cut short, and its the best thing I ever did. I have had so many positive coments about it that I should have done it sooner.
So anyone thinking about going grey naturally, go for it.
Sandy Mccleary, Taupo, New Zealand
I am 30 and have been going grey since I was 18. I used to dye my hair but stopped about 6 years ago. I just didn't want to waste time and money dyeing my hair for the next 35 years or so.. The truth is that I have nearly bowed to pressure several times to dye my hair, as there is still part of me which feels less sexy with greying hair. Last month I was on my way home from work, planning to finally dye my hair brown and a male colleague stopped me to say how distinguished and funky he thought I looked with my grey hair. The bottle is still under the sink! As the grey hairs have increased, so have the compliments. Women and men often tell me how refreshing it is to see a young woman with white streaks who doesn't care!
Sarah, Osaka, Japan
My hair started to grey when I was 45. I was thrilled! At the time I was into red or black hair (dyed of course). But periodically would wait between treatments to see if the beautiful streaks(two of them , one on either side of my face) had spread and I could stop dyeing and begin the wonderful journey into white and silver . (As a child my idol was my second grade teacher, she had the most gorgeous silver hairand wore in in a modified pompador, she always wore lavenders and blues, she was my inspiration) Not the teaching part, but definitly stlye wise. My own grandmothers both sported beautiful white wavey hair.
Well here I am 65, and very little change in my hair. Stopped dying it in '95. I am so dissappointed that grey hair is now listed as practically a disease. I feel cheated!
Gertrude A Vermette, Bristol, NH, USA
I have just decided to go naturally grey having just turned 45 and silver won't leave me alone! Its a pretty shade of silver though!
Emmylou Silver I call it! She has the most beautiful shade of hair!!
lisa lawton, Manhattan, USA/Kansas
Grey voted as the hair colour of the next female president by a third of respondents - so a great colour!
Apparently grey looks better on brunette tones (so darker skin tone) which is great as im brunette and just started to colour. thanks to Jane for mentioning Nice'n'Easy - fyi Clairol's has a hair colour survey out today which shows that almost a 3rd of US women believe that the next female president will be grey and here in the UK it's brunette (although 14% of us British women believe the next female PM will be grey - not bad statistics on going grey gracefully!
claire, london, uk
I think that well-styled, well-cared-for grey hair can look great, especially teamed with bright lipstick/clothing colours such as fuchsia pink. But now for the science bit ... I read at least a decade ago that the University of Bradford (I think) Genetics Dept said they were working on a product that would be able to be used just like a shampoo, and it would restore the user's hair colour to its natural youthful state. Gen(i)es in a bottle! Where is it?! BRING IT ON, BRADFORD!!
Bel, London, UK
I dyed my hair for several years going through various shades of pale blonde, red, brunette - everything but black which makes me look witchy. No-one even commented on my (mid life crisis inspired) constantly changing colour. A couple of years ago I dyed for the last time (light copper) and now have reverted to my natural colour which is - honey blonde with pale highlights - I'm 50 years old. Not a strand of grey to be seen yet. .Yes, I know how lucky I am. The trouble is (and there is a problem!) I now have people asking me what colour I use and when I say 'nothing' have them giving me nasty sarcastic looks or even accusing me of lying. (My mother still only has white highlights in her light brown hair and she's 80 - my grandmother was not completely grey when she died at the age of 91).
The joke is I couldn't possibly afford colouring as good as my hair looks. (I always used Nice'n'Easy which by the way is great if you don't like your natural hair colour.
Jane, London, UK
I started to go grey in my teens and for 40 years struggled to colour it before letting it go almost pure white after I retired at 60 (coincidence?). Actually grey or white hair takes dye badly and doesn't hold the colour, locking you in to expensive hairdresser visits .
Because of the conspiracy of silence about grey hair, little research, beauty information or fashion help is available. Not all grey hair is the same type or the same colour. It needs special shampoo and products that make it shine, and a terrific cut to avoid the 'given up' look. Colours that work with dyed blonde hair don't work with grey. So how about some intelligent help from women's media instead of trotting out the same old irrelevant stuff?
J M, Oxford, UK
this article has just been published at the right time. for the past month i have been thinking about what to do with the gray streaks at my temples which are in sharp contrast to the rest of my brunette hair. is it socially acceptable sporting the badger-style? yes, it is! i´ve made up my mind to let nature take its natural course and step by step my brunette bob will now turn into a gray one. i will avoid cancer-linked hairdye and instead invest more money into hair cures as i think graying hair should be shiny. as an active person who dresses youthfully, applies make-up and has manicures i think graying hair won´t harm my looks. I agree with those who think most men with dyed hair look hilarious. Old guys like the raven haired Keith Richards (love his guitarplaying, though) and the orange haired Paul McCartney just look desperate. but many young men with funky dyed punk hair look pretty cool.
Asta, Hamburg, Germany
Going grey and growing old sucks.
As for you Mildred 82, did it ever occur to you that those gentlemen you thought were hitting on you where in fact just being polite to an old lady
Mike, Berlin,
Go grey by all means, but the ladies featured in your article also updated their hairstyles. Grey hair only works if the face and hairstyle are reasonably youthful. Grey hair on an old face is dismal. How to be invisible!!!
Margaret, Nottingham,
I felt the need to comment on this article as just recently friends and i (late forties) decided we would rather die than go grey! Whilst complaining nevertheless that we were stuck in the cycle of highlighting. More demanding and expensive than dyeing yourself, but essential to give that 'natural' sun bleached look! To be fair most of us have been colouring our hair for ages, so have little idea of our original colour, let alone exactly how grey we are!
The number one reason we agreed, is that it is so ageing.
Granted it depends very much on your hair type, the cut and shade of grey.
I have curly hair and could therefore never have one of the slick styles, I would end up looking a mad old witch! and no i wouldn't want to start straightening instead of highlighting.
jane, west sussex, england
Well I found my first grey hair at the grand age of 15. I distinctly remember plucking it from my dark brown pigtail and displaying it carefully on the dresser for my mum to inspect later! By my late teens I had a significant amount of white hair at the front so I decided on henna. It was a hassle and by my mid 20s I'd had enough of dying and decided to go au naturelle.
As I was so young, my grey hair looked striking and very unusual and drew alot of compliments from my peers. Now at 47 I'm married with 2 children and have been virtually silver for over 20yrs. Both men and women continue to compliment me on my hair colour. Infact I've had several significantly younger men tell me how attractive it is!
Its not the colour of people's hair that makes them attractive or sexy. Its about the way they feel about themselves, the energy they radiate and whether they have a lively interest and curiousity about life.
audrey boyle, orford, suffolk
It's all very well being grey but it's "going" grey that's the problem. Having been a golden blonde all my life, I find that "going grey" is taking my hair colour down to a very dull mousey. And mousey is not a word I want to be associated with! So I bit the bullet and went for foils in two shades of blonde either side of my natural colour. Result: well I know the difference even if it's not immediately obvious. I think that one should never underestimate the impact on one's self-confidence that a change to a part of one's body can have.
Chris, Rugby, UK
Despite starting to go grey at 19 with rather a lot of it in my 30's I never felt tempted to die my hair even though I was working for an airline (so called glam job).However my mother and sister talked me into it at 40 and I was astounded at how good it looked in fact 10yrs on I'm still using the same one,dark blonde(one of those "natural " tints ).Each time I let it grow out too much I realise that grey hair definately is not for me just yet.!!However some people look fantastic so Ithink all depends on colouring .
Julie, Le Mans, France
I was very glad when my erstwhile brunete wife stopped dyeing her hair. An important issue which the article did not address is the safety of the chemicals used in hair dyes - is it sensible to drench a substantial area of skin in these compounds every few weeks for years?
Chris, Gloucester, UK
Having been a dark brown till I was just over 50, I had no intention of colouring my hair, till the grey started coming - in streaky patches - I looked as if seagulls had been over! So at 66 I am now a light ash blonde - but when the roots start to show it is still patchy and streaky. I would love to go silver, but as my mother was always a very untidy pepper and salt mix, I think I'm stuck with ash blonde (which my husband loves)- until there is a silver hair colour on the market anyway!
Marion Miles, Blandford Forum, Dorset
what your article failed to say is that going grey only works for olive skin tones and those with Spring or Summer "colours" in their pallette!
Georgie, Wilts,
My mother in law said that she gave up dying her hair when she realised the only person she was fooling was herself.
David Hadley, Cradley Heath, West Midlands
I really don't buy into this agonising on whether to go grey or not. I started going grey at university and have never coloured my hair (now 42 and predominantly grey). The only pressure I have encountered is from hairdressers who seem more keen to put me on the road to expensive 5-weekly colouring sessions you are then stuck with. Personally, I am comfortable with grey hair and with a full time job and two primary school children, i feel i have far better things to do with my time than spend it at the hairdresser. I pay for a decent cut and leave it at that.
Sarah , London,
I saw a woman (40ish) at a bus stop the other day with lovely silvery grey hair and I was struck by how much it suited her, and also made her stand out (in a really good way!)
I've guessed completely at her age, though - I think grey hair makes a lot of women look ageless, rather than aged. She could just have easily been 30 or 50.
Lauren, London,
There is an overwhelming positive response from this article but no-one is yet to point out the biased attitude that the Times has taken here.
Whilst I agree that going grey instead of doing a botched dye job looks undecidedly better, the Times has not taken into account that everybody does not go a delightful shade of silver-grey as depicted in this article, but that individual's hair colour differs greatly. Whilst some may look like the woman in the main picture, quite a few ageing women just go 'white'. And for these women, a honey-blond is much preferable. I just feel that you are actually intimidating people into going grey, instead of encouraging them to make their own choice, which is ultimately what it should be.
Angharad Rees, Sidcup, Kent
I am 60 and am longing to go grey, but my hair won't cooperate. Good grey hair makes a woman look younger.
Diotima, London, UK
I have pure white hair, and am 82, and I still get men hitting on me! And my daughter is 51 and is married to a man who is 36, and she looks great, not a bit older than him. Is it my Scottish blood?
Mildred, Fontana, WI, USA
I had my first grey hairs at the age of 17 and by the age of 24 it was coming in thick and fast. It infuriates me that I have a life of hair dying ahead of me. However, at the same time I actually feel very lucky that I dont have years of worrying ahead of me. At least I know now it is there, it is inevitable and when other people usually freak out when one or 2 start coming in their 40s, I will have already had years to get used to it...
Christina, London,
I decided to stop colouring my hair aged 45, I am now almost completely white. Amongst my friends; I am the only one to go natural and sometimes feel that I must look older than them. However I do have to smile when they claim to have "hardly any white hairs", their parting tells me otherwise, but it is their choice to dye and mine not to. My husband refuses to call me white haired and calls me his"Arctic Blonde". Not bad for a 71 year old.
Dorothy M gray, Hadlow, Tonbridge, UK
I think you haven't mentioned something quite important: 'grey' hair is not only about the colour but the texture too, because 'grey hair' is also 'rough and coarse hair'.
Nevertheless, as a woman, I understand your point...I hate spending time and money on the hair but, at least until products are made available to make your hair look smooth and bright, many women will continue dying their locks.
Sylvia, London, England
I started to go grey at 40. After colouring my hair myself for a few years and feeling that I should ' be natural' I decided to leave it to go grey. I did this for several years. After looking at photos of me at this time and receiving comments about my hair and not 'being bothered' I decided to start having it coloured at a local (relatively inexpensive) hairdressers. I can not believe how much better I look and feel having it a light blond colour. I only have to have it done about every 5 weeks. I am now 50. I work full-time as a professional in an area where 'going grey' is acceptable so this is not the reason.
Pat Wood, Welwyn,
Great article!
I started to go grey in my teens, as have my two gorgeous sons. After succombing to pressure and dyeing my hair for years I decided that it was ruining my hair, costing too much and affecting my personal dignity and at around 40 I decided to see what my natural hair looked like. Having a 2-year-old at the time helped me to cope with the transition. What a pleasant surprise to see what luminous silver streaks I was hiding. I adapted the colour of my clothes and makeup to my hair (e.g. I never wear beige or brown near my hair) and I get lots of compliments even from total strangers. I don't think grey hair is sexy but it's open and friendly and lets you be yourself which can be very attractive to others. I have wanted to write an article on this subject for years but felt it was a losing battle so... thank you!
Gillian, Lausanne, Switzerland
I started to colour my hair 10 years ago when I was 41.Now I would love to go grey but don't know how to go about it .I dread having two tone hair ...roots..Has anyone a solution?
Bev Brookes, Glsssop,
One has only to think about Emmylou Harris (no great effort required on my part) to appreciate that grey hair can enhance beauty. She wears her hair long and naturally grey - some fools would say 'prematurely grey' - and is even more stunning than when younger and darker. Be bold ladies - embrace your greyness!
Tom Read, Colchester,
Personally, I can't wait to go grey (I'm 45 and on the way). I have always loved grey and white hair, it gives older skin a soft and flattering light. The trick is to treat it well - plenty of washing and conditioning - and a good cut. I have always disliked dyed hair - except the very fake, which is fun. The blondish streaked/highlights which almost every woman in London seems obliged to get are just awful.
Please ladies - go grey, spend the money on beautiful clothing instead!
Sarah N., London,
It's ridiculous for anyone to colour their hair just to conceal their age. The face, the neck, the hands, all give the game away. Men with dark hair and sagging faces look particularly stupid. People respect those who don't go in for this nonsense. Examples: our own dear Paxo, and Christine Lagarde, the French minister, who not only looks stunning, but also speaks the best idiomatic English of any French politician for a long time. She would look sily with dyed hair. As it is, she is immensely impressive. Would we had more women politicians of her calibre and well-groomed good looks!
J.Fletcher, Canterbury, Kent
Next time you sit at a table with a group of 40/50 year olds have a good look at their hair colour - most will be the same red brunette or highlighted mouse only the odd one will have completely natural hair colour. Now 52, I have been predominantly white for several years and I love it. Friends call me brave (?), or say its ok for me because it is such a great colour - it is just different and I like not following the crowd. I feel just as attractive and fit, have far smaller hair bills only needing a very good cut and it complements my skin colour perfectly. Dye if you want but it is not for me!
Mary, Tunbridge Wells,
Hey Ladies, I think long grey hair and shapely legs is attractive on women. I laugh at the American and British men newsreaders that have the Regan look. Touches of red, black and grey around the side burns. Poor souls. We should all be naked, like at birth and throw away our illusions. Look at those guys in the suits hiding their fat bellies, what with that orange hair dye. I’m lucky I have no hair or a fat belly.
Just remember it is a great day when you can get out of bed and breath the air.
Arthur Brocklebank, Liverpool, England
Five years ago I had no idea what my natural hair colour was. Every time I saw the light roots they were quickly covered up but I found no colour seemed to match my skin colour. At 64 years old I had my hair cut short and let nature takes its course. Best thing I ever did. The main comments from friends was "it took years OFF me". I have silver grey hair that especially glows in the sun. And by the way, I am not interested in looking sexy, just natural.. I wish I had done it years ago.
Jean Tait, Dunfermline, Scotland
I'm 46 and lost my hair last year due to chemotherapy for breast cancer. I had been dyeing it since my 20s as I started going prematurely grey; it is now growing back silver. It's actually starting to look quite funky and I think I may well keep it as I actually like it! I feel it's like a whole new look to go with being given a second stab at life.
Linda, Fife,
Don't go grey, go blond.
Mary, Bristol, England
I can't wait to have a naturally white head of hair - I think I'll finally look distinguished and elegant. My boyfriend's got grey hair and he's only 28 - and what a hottie he is!
LC, London,
Women who are badly dressed ,are fat and have bad posture look not one jot better for their expensively dyed hair;
Mary ,France
mary cooper, montaigu de quercy,
Having gone grey before my 40th birthday I died my hair. I hated it but persevered for the next ten years due to peer pressure. When I finally made the desision to go natural, I was asked by some who did not know my husband what he thought of having a wife who was grey. I replied that as he has been grey since he was in his twenties and that it does not worry him, he could hardly disapprove. Why is it acceptable for a man to be grey but not a woman? Even my hairdresser thinks my colour is great.
myra, London,
I'm naturally auburn, so I never stood a chance of not starting to go grey early. At 34, I'm fascinated by the changes that are passing through. I resent losing the perfection of the original colours, but white is just another one which lends its own freedoms. I've always enjoyed temporary hair dyes - green, blue, pink, etc. - and maybe that makes me childish, but I can't wait until the whole lot is white so I can experiment to my heart's desire.
Now we're having a sensible discussion about hair colour, can we also include one about hair length? Why do so many women expect to cut their hair short (above shoulder length) after they hit A Certain Age? It's claimed that it's more youthful, but as far as I can see it's just one more sign of losing the ability to choose. And that's the surest sign of ageing to me - the decision to fit in with the expectations of the herd.
Emma Bridge, London,
I am in my late thirties and see more greying hairs on my pate than I did a decade ago. This does not faze me. The idea of dyeing to disguise the natural changes I shall undergo has never occured to me as an option.
Al, Toronto, Canada
Oh that I had the choice! At 63 I still have dark hair with reddish undertones and a few grey hairs. "Lucky you", I hear, but my mother, who died aged 79, complained that people took advantage of her because she wasn't grey haired, just 'pepper and salt' by then.
Mary Russell, Dorchester, UK
My hair started to go white in my mid teens and by the time I was 30 it was totally white. Age 53 I still have long hair and yes, it's still white. I have always revelled in it and I find the expressions of fear about going grey totally incomprehensible.
kate corwyn, bristol,
"many men find grey hair sexy" - and many men find women who are breathing sexy....
Surely Ms Kreamer should be mature enough at her age not to be bothered about being sexy ....
Maybe becoming gray is the first step in her leaving adolescence behind - Let us hope so.
Bill Adams , New Delhi, India
Ann Kreamer "noticed, on holiday this summer in Gloucestershire, the Lake District and Scotland, a greater prevalence of grey here than in the US".
I think there's a definite 'Celtic' trend in hair structure and colour over time, very visible in UK. Fine (i.e thin but dense) Irish / Scottish / Welsh / Breton hair seems to be associated with premature whitening, (mine stated 'going' above the ears at age 16!). Thicker, darker but less dense (i.e fewer hairs per mm2) "Euro-hair" seems to keep its colour longer.
As for men dyeing their hair. Look at Paul McCartney! Did you ever see anything more absurd? Tragic!
RIngo, London, UK
grey (and ash blonde) are the most beautiful hair colours of them all!
oliver
journalist and filmmaker
oliver, lucerne, switzerland
Catherine Deneuve injects gold(?) or some other metallic substance into her skin to keep yuthful so don't try & kid us!
I must admit I did see quite a few grey-haired women in Paris this summer but very few Spanish women go gracefully grey.
angela, madrid, spain
At 50 years old I still have naturally dark hair with just a couple of grey ones here and there.Friends and aquaintances however assume I colour my hair and when I deny this they look at me disbelievingly,a friend even checked my roots last week in a shopping centre because she didn't beleive me.It seems I can't win.Maybe I should start colouring my hair grey.
ann owen, gravesend, UK
Grey hair IS sexy, when it fits the package! Youth is overrated - there is a time to be young, and a time to leave youth behind. Age, maturity and experience has much to offer too - "comfortable in your own skin" says it perfectly.
(from a 42 year old man)
Robert Jones, Taunton, Somerset
I think gray hair can have a tremendous power to it. But not every woman can carry it off succesfully, that requires that certain something. Just look at Judi Dench, Joan Baez, Jane Alexander, Gwyneth Jones. Beautiful, confident, gracefull ladies all.
Lisa, Oxford,
As my dear old Mother-in-law used to say on the subject of whether to 'dye or not to dye', "Grow old gracefully my dear nature will always win!"
I took her advice, and have never looked back or been tempted to reach for that bottle of dye.
However, at 51 now , I look around me and see plenty of 'older women' possibly in their seventies with Blonde hair!!
It really does not do them justice, especially when they have prune faces and crinkly features. It accentuates they are wrinklies and no longer a 'mere slip of a gal' anymore and I cringe for them!
Beatrice, Basildon, UK
At last! An intelligent woman who has made a positive decision about being grey haired, rather than endlessly battling to avoid the tell-tale, badger line of the Dyed Woman. A male friend told me how he hated it that so many woman of a certain age seemed to have the same flat-coloured, mid-blonde hair that was incompatible with their age and it made me think. Why was I fighting so hard to control the thick white streak that had begun to appear in my hair in my late thirties? I had experimented with highlights and low-lights, all-over colours, but nothing looked truly natural - so I liberated myself and went grey. I have a good cut, take care of my hair and am happy with my choice. If you want to dye, fine, it's up to you - but me, I'm glad to be grey, 52 and confident!
Karen Noble, Rochester,
"like a confused, schlubby middle-aged woman with a much-too-darkly shellacked helmet of hairâ€. "
This is true of ladies who colour their own hair but modern hairdressers use wonderful natural looking colours, maybe three different shades.
I have two frends who went grey early and they were assumed to be 10 years older than they were despite both having young faces.
Her husband's lack of enthusiasm says it all!
Anne, Glasgow,