Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Katie Price. Actually, hang on, too tarty. Sarah Jessica Parker? No, no, ­too hungry. Victoria Beckham? Ditto. Kate Moss? Eeeuw. Britney Spears? I don’t think so. What do all these women have in common? Well, aside from their ability to look good in a bra and pants, they’re riding high in Superdrug’s celebrity scent chart. Kelly Brook’s not quite there yet – she launches her fragrance on October 17, conveniently timed to coincide with her appearance on Strictly Come Dancing.

While all of these women clearly possess a certain talent (albeit predominantly the ability to put clothes on and, in some cases, take them off), it is not talent of the kind I would necessarily wish on my own daughter. It may have brought them fame and fortune, but could anyone really dream of being Britney, exhausted by showbiz at just 25; or Victoria, her default setting to play out her life before the paparazzi?

Even more baffling is why anyone would want to buy a perfume by them. They’re not noses; they’re models, actresses, whatever. But the really worrying thought is this: there are clearly more women out there who would prefer to be Katie Price (aka Jordan) than, say, Nellie Bly (that’s if they even know who she was).

As to the scents, there is not much to say about them. They are mostly without merit, by and large synthetic and barely preferable to the can of Haze in your loo. Some are marginally less revolting than others. Kate Moss’s, for example, comes in a lovely bottle and is inoffensive enough, but just smells like bubble bath. And Katie Price’s, because she is a professional, smells like she might have put some real effort into it. Otherwise, the best that can be said of them is that they don’t last very long, so that if someone who is wearing one sits down next to you at dinner, you stand a chance of regaining your appetite in time for dessert.

Please don’t embarrass yourself by buying one. Not because they’re nasty; but because women can do so much better than attach themselves to a pair of fake bosoms or fall out of their dresses at parties. And they do: the following is a list of celebrity fragrances that I would be proud to wear, from women, past and present, who’ve done something interesting with their lives: Solitude by Greta Garbo; Freedom by Amelia Earhart; Mystery by Mata Hari; Emancipation by Emmeline Pankhurst; Delectable by Nigella Lawson; J by Jenni Murray; Courage by Odette Sansom; Grace by Margot Fonteyn; Wit by Jane Austen. Now that’s the kind of talent I would buy.

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