I have been trying hard and for quite some time now to be upset by that American bloke who says that English women are badly dressed slatterns with big backsides and hairy, tree-trunk legs who go downhill after the age of 18 and should be doing more to attract the likes of him.

But each time I read through Tad Safran’s charge sheet of female crimes, all I can think is that that’s exactly the type of woman I’d like to be friends with: unmanicured nails, an aversion to gyms, crap skin caused by alcoholic late nights, non-Cowellesque teeth, a belief that only lap dancers should bother with intimate waxing; women who would rather spend £500 having a laugh in Torremolinos than a week in a “bikini boot camp” having a fanny buff (don’t worry, that means “bottom” in America, but give it time and I’m sure they'll come up with the other sort).

Safran may have outlined the type of woman he doesn’t want to be with (try to contain your disappointment), but in doing so he has defined the very type that a normal woman does – the sane antithesis of the toxic friend, she won’t be judging your caterpillar eyebrows or requiring therapy if she scuffs a kitten heel.

It’s true of course that outside a few high-maintenance, neurotic chicks most people simply cannot be arsed. Forget lack of time or money – even if I was Paris Hilton, I doubt I'd ever quite find time to liquidise a banana and apply it to my thighs.

Safran claims his US female friends spend £350 a month on “obligatory beauty maintenance”. Really? How dull. Much more refreshing to read of this new survey by the British Skin Foundation which reveals that half of people in the UK don’t remove their make-up before going to bed, mostly because they are too knackered, perhaps from looking after their kids or – imagine! – having a good time. Even better, it says that 46 per cent of us pay more than £7 for moisturiser, when a £3 non-branded product does the same job. So, instead of spending more on our beauty regime we should actually be spending less. Ha. High five.

Anyway, does Safran think that the entire US female population lives in a loft in Manhattan? Has he never been to a US shopping mall? Watched Jerry Springer? Noticed those other few million American women who weigh 200lb and wear drawstring shorts and a scrunchie in their hair? For every SJP, there are 10,000 Roseanne lookalikes.

But, more pertinently, has he never seen the state of quite a few million American men? Especially those on holiday who emerge at breakfast each day like models for the Walmart bargain bin. If he is going to slag off English women, he should at least acknowledge that many males from his mother country spend their entire lives in Sta-Prest slacks.

bargainhunter@thetimes.co.uk

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