1 Every morning I dread looking in the mirror and seeing my face. If I
manage to avoid the mirror, I don’t feel I’m any older than when I was in my
twenties. But, as soon as I look, I see a 58-year-old going on 90. What can
I do about it?
It’s easy as we get older to hanker after a time in our lives when we imagined
we looked effortlessly lovely. As you know by looking at old photographs,
this is almost certainly not the case. So, forget about the past and
concentrate on the world as it is, not as it was. Accentuating the positive
is the only course of action, not just to make you happier, but healthier,
too.
For a start, it can be surprisingly cheering to remember all the “firsts”
you’ll never have to go through again. Just imagine having to sit for all
those exams; and taking your driving test.
We often foolishly compare ourselves with others but, as each person is
unique, comparisons are as futile as they are irrelevant. All our lives we
will have known someone who is taller, younger, prettier, fatter, thinner.
This can drive us mad and gets us nowhere. The box below will give you tips
on how to overcome these negative feelings.
2 I find the company of my husband boring. He’s always watching TV and we
never talk. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this is more
than worrying. Till now it hasn’t mattered so much as I have a busy job, but
retirement is looming – then what?
Well, if I may be so bold, you have undoubtedly contributed to the problem.
You say you’ve been absorbed in your busy job, day and night. Is it possible
that your accommodating husband decided that, rather than disturb you, he’d
while away his time in front of the box? Whatever the reason, you and he
have got into a rather dull place where the relationship isn’t doing much
for either of you and it needs a bit of a boost.
If you’re going to improve your relationship, it’s essential you let your
husband have his say. The great skill in communication is the ability to put
oneself in another’s shoes. To do this you need to: 1. Avoid distractions.
Concentrate on your husband. Watch his expressions and movements. Ignore
ringing phones. Don’t do something else, like preparing the supper, at the
same time. 2. Don’t assume. You’ll never really understand what the other
person is saying if you make assumptions. You’ll only reinforce what you
thought you knew already. 3. Don’t interrupt. Let the other person have
their say – even if you disagree.
3 I’m nearing retirement. I see my life as a blank in front of me. I always
thought I’d know what I wanted to do with my life and I don’t want to waste
these years.
The idea of a fixed retirement age is of recent origin. In the UK, a universal
state pension was introduced in 1948. Before that, the lack of pension
arrangements meant that most people continued to work until they died. If,
whenever we contemplate retirement, we immediately associate it with old age
– something that hasn’t as yet had a very good press – it must appear a
fairly unappealing prospect. No wonder you have a blank when you think about
it. It never ceases to amaze me just how protective our unconscious minds
can be: a blank rather than a more difficult picture. The thing is, as you
obviously know from your question, a blank isn’t going to get you very far
in planning and taking control of your life. As Richard Bandler suggests in
his book Using Your Brain for a Change, who runs your head? Whose
head is it anyway? We have a choice as to what we put into our heads – good
or bad. Work at putting great pictures in there rather than blanks.
4 I am 59, divorced, with two children aged 18 and 19. I have been dating a
lovely man for four months. I would like my children to meet him properly
and for him to stay over at times when they’re there, too. I don’t think it
will be that long before we’re ready to live together and even marry. How do
I introduce the idea to my children?
Slow down! This is a sensitive area and can be very upsetting if it goes
wrong. If asked, most children of divorced parents will say that, in an
ideal world, they’d prefer them to stay together. Children are likely to
feel some jealousy and fear that their mum will be taken away from them.
They may well have been hoping that you and their father would get back
together.
Have you discussed introductions with your new boyfriend? The focus of this
meeting has to be on the children so that their interests come first.
Neutral environments are the best. As your children are a bit older, I’d
suggest a trip to the cinema. Choose the type of film they like and then
possibly go for a something to eat afterwards, which will give you the
chance to chat about the film without having to fill a whole evening. Go
home with the children; don’t bring him home. In the back of your kids’
minds that would look as if he were moving in. Let a few days pass before
you all meet again.
Keep the meetings low-key with no post-mortems; don’t ask your children what
they think of him. Keep your relationship nonphysical in front of them,
especially at the beginning, and then gradually become a little more tactile.
5 As I get older, I find that I worry more. If something minor happens, I
assume that it will develop into a disaster. I’ve never learnt techniques
for managing stress because I never thought I was prone to it. I am now.
What can I do?
Getting older has made you feel more vulnerable and less in control so that
the consequences of something bad happening is harder to shrug off. There
are times when we’re right to react strongly because something has happened.
Problems occur, though, when we react more strongly than is appropriate for
the event. Our bodies, not knowing any better, get ready to deal with the
impending disaster and our flight-or-fight mechanisms get activated. As they
have nothing concrete to respond to, they turn inwards and we become
stressed and can start feeling unwell. Try the simple relaxation exercise in
the box on the right whenever you feel yourself getting worked up.
6 I’ve lost interest in sex. I make excuses to avoid it by going to bed
early or pretending to be asleep. But I worry he’ll go for a younger model.
What can I do?
I wonder if part of the problem is that you haven’t given yourself permission
to be sexy now you’re older. Let me give you a fact published last year in
the New England Journal of Medicine. Fewer than 30 per cent of
people in their sixties and seventies think their sex drive has reduced.
One way to help you to come up with a solution might be to think back to a
time in your life when your sex drive was low. How did you overcome it then?
See if you can use that strategy now.
Another very good way to break the log jam is to talk to your partner about
your feelings and your worries. Be brave enough to discuss techniques. And
never forget to laugh if things don’t quite go according to plan.
7 I’ve been on my own for a while. I have just met a new potential lover. I
am 52 and my figure isn’t what it used to be. Even when I stand straight and
hold myself in, I can still see lots of sagging bits. How will I feel
confident enough to take my clothes off?
It’s hard at times to feel sexy and attractive at any age and certainly harder
as we get older. But if you know you’re likely to have sex that evening,
make sure you’re wearing underwear you like. Do what you feel makes your
body feel nice: a pedicure or a good haircut. Spend a bit of time pampering
yourself. Treat yourself to a massage. Eat foods that release the
mood-enhancing brain chemical serotonin into the brain, such as fish, turkey
and chicken.
8 I’m about to become a grandmother and I’m thrilled – and panicked. I’m
57, and I have a full-time job and a busy social life. But I find myself
unable to explain this to my 28-year-old daughter. I devoted so much time to
my children when they were growing up. I now want a bit of time for me! Am I
being selfish? And how do I tell her?
No, you’re not being selfish. One in every three people are grandparents by
the time they reach 50; by 54, it’s one in two. Research done by Geoff
Dench, a professor of sociology at Middlesex University, who has a special
interest in grandparenting, states in Grandparenting in Britain: A
Baseline Study that almost 40 per cent of grandparents would like to
have a life free from too many family duties, while 64 per cent think that a
government subsidy should be offered to grandparents who are involved in
regular childcare. So you are not alone.
You’ll always be your daughter’s mother but not the baby’s mother; your role
will be different and you are not the prime carer. This doesn’t mean you
won’t worry when the child is sick or miserable at school. And, just by
being there, you’ll be able to offer something really special that your
grandchild can get from no one else.
9 There’s no denying it: I’m more forgetful than I used to be. I hear a
story from someone and forget the main points; I lose my glasses and my
keys; I forget people’s names. And yet, I’m only 56. What can I do to keep
my memory honed?
All of us, whatever our age, have had experiences where we’ve gone into a room
and wondered what we were doing there; or put the keys down somewhere safe
and temporarily lost them.
One factor that has a huge effect on our memory is stress. Worry affects our
ability to remember and can prematurely age our brains. There’s evidence
that some of the chemical reactions associated with stress, such as the
production of glucocorticoids, has a detrimental effect on the brain’s
ability to make new connections; it appears to age the brain.
The other debilitating factor is tiredness. When we’re exhausted, we’re unable
to function as effectively. We become clumsy and forgetful and inarticulate.
Having said all of that, worrying about our memory is the worst thing we can
do for it. If we accept that there’ll be times when we’re forgetful, there
are techniques to help us remember things.
The brain is a remarkable organ, constantly capable of learning throughout
life, so the more active we keep it, the more likely it is to remain
healthy. Giving yourself a few hours a week to learn something new as you
get older provides fantastic food for your brain. You may not become a
concert pianist but you’re never too old to learn an instrument – or how to
throw a pot or ice a cake. Many people have become addicted to word-search
games and Su Doku; both are perfect ways to exercise the mind.
10 My husband is getting fed up with me as I feel I have to spend a lot of
my free time with my elderly father who is lonely and not well. I can see
this is having an adverse effect on my marriage and neither is it great for
my kids. I just don’t know how to juggle things.
Here’s a useful question to ask yourself: if this was a close friend of yours
who was having to juggle an elderly parent, husband, children and job, what
would you be advising her? What other help should she be enlisting? It’s
important at times like this for you to stay true to your beliefs and values
without doing something because you feel you ought to. By looking at the
problem as though it was someone else’s, we invariably come up with an
answer untainted by guilt.
So let’s think practically. Your father needs company and probably some help
in the house. Does this all have to be done by you? There are organisations
such as Help the Aged that are there to support you and your father. Also,
your GP and social services will be able to offer some assistance.
In families, care of this sort very often falls to one person. This is
probably a role you have always taken. That doesn’t mean you have to go on
doing so. Share the visiting with your siblings; they can help, too.
Discuss the problem with all concerned and see if you can find a solution that
suits you all. Ask your husband what it is that he really minds. Is it that
you’re out all the time? Or is that, when you’re together, you both complain
about how tired you are?
Without wanting to sound harsh, this is your choice. You can see what’s
happening and, as I’m sure you know, marriage takes work and time. The
likelihood is that your marriage will still be there when your father has
passed on, so try to take the long view.
© Keren Smedley 2007. Extracted from Who’s That Woman in The
Mirror? The Art of Ageing Gracefully (Headline, £14.99), published on
Thursday, which is available from Times BooksFirst for £13.50, p&p
free: 0870 1608080 or visit timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst
Mirror, mirror, on the wall Try this exercise in photo-gazing if you feel
bad about your ageing body
1. Gather together some photographs of yourself at different ages.
Ideally, every five years.
2. Take a look at how you looked at different stages of your life. What
did your face look like? Did all the haircuts suit you? As dispassionately
as possible, ask yourself which styles and colours suit you best.
3. Make a list of three good points and three not-so-special ones for
each decade up to the present day.
4. Take note that even in your youth you had bits you didn’t like. Now
discard that list of faults; you don’t need it any more.
5. Focus on your list of your great points,which can be used whenever
you feel low in confidence or are having a bad hair day. And don’t feel
ashamed about keeping the list in your purse or handbag so that you can
refer to it at will and remind yourself that, really, you’re doing all
right.
Relax, don’t do it
When you are feeling stressed, or when you are getting really worked up,
try this emergency relaxation technique
1. Say, “Stop!” firmly to yourself – aloud if the situation permits,
mentally if not.
2. Breathe in, becoming aware of your jaw and shoulders as you do so.
Breathe out slowly, making the exhalation longer than the inhalation,
allowing your shoulders and jaw to relax as you do so. Mentally say to
yourself, “Let go”.
3. Breathe in, focusing your awareness on your chest, arms and hands.
Breathe out slowly, relaxing your chest, arms and hands as you do so.
Mentally say, “Let go”.
4. Breathe in, focusing your awareness on your stomach muscles, thighs
and buttocks. Breathe out slowly allowing your stomach muscles, thighs and
buttocks to relax as you do so. Mentally say, “Let go”.
