It’s been a funny old week. It started with an e-mail from a PR firm promoting an intimate care product. The company in question was proud to announce that, in recognition of its continuing commitment to feminine health, they would be sponsoring a new production of The Vagina Monologues. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I can see the logic; it’s just that, well… no.

Then I received another e-mail, this time promoting a new men’s grooming range. To my surprise, I discovered that men are, in fact, the new women. That’s odd, I thought; aren’t women supposed to be the new men, what with us hounding the poor gents out of their rightful jobs and neglecting our children (which we’ve had too late anyway because of the selfish careers)? Not at all, I discover. Men are the new women because more of them are worrying about their appearance. Ah yes. Because that’s really all we ladies do, worry about the way we look. When we’re not clogging up our pretty pink brains with feminine hygiene issues, that is.

I had better step away from the rant and get on with the topic of the day, which is: have you seen the latest pictures of Michael Douglas? Clearly, he hasn’t heard about this epidemic of male vanity because he looks terrible. He’s only 63 and he could pass for 80. It’s not so much to do with wrinkles as the broken veins snaking over his nose and cheeks.

Douglas is perfectly entitled to surrender to the passage of time; he’s already bagged one of the most beautiful women on the planet, but if he wants Zeta-Jones to continue to resemble his wife and not his nurse, he should consider getting those veins zapped.

Broken veins are a common problem. Luckily, I’ve a guinea-pig on the case, a man who, like Douglas, happens to be an Oscar-winning producer (that’s got you wondering). He too is married to a woman of some glamorousness, and he too wanted to look like they might still occasionally share a bed.

I packed him off to Beyond Spa in Harvey Nichols (020-7201 8595), where his therapist for the day was a “very attractive” woman, a GP who works there in her spare time. The procedure (Laser Vein Therapy) took only minutes, which is just as well since it felt “like hot needles in your nose”. Afterwards, however, the pain subsided quickly and the area looked relatively normal – he just had to wear a lot of sunblock while it healed.

Three months later, he returned for his follow-up – and this time his nose was much worse. He had to endure ten days of looking like a habitual meths drinker (much hilarity among his friends) while the veins scabbed over. At the end of it, though, his hooter is as good as new, and it makes him look a lot younger. The verdict: worth the pain (not to mention the humiliation and singed nasal hair); and definitely something he would do again.

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