Dentists terrify me. As a child, my dentist was in love with my mother. The love part was not in itself a problem – most men who encounter my mother fall in love with her. No, it was the fact that, in order to gaze into her wide blue eyes, the poor man was rather overzealous in respect of my oral health.

Over the course of two years (the duration of his infatuation), I underwent a lifetime of dental work. The result is that I would almost rather pull my own teeth than go to the dentist. As I get older, fear grips ever tighter. Soon I shall be demanding a general anaesthetic just to visit the hygienist. For this reason, I have always resisted tooth whitening. Trouble is, being a hopeless caffeine addict, my teeth are a dingy shade of tombstone. The time has come to bite the bullet.

My first appointment at Smile Studio in Shaftesbury Avenue, London, I cancel two days beforehand. The second is, to my shame, a no-show. The third I duck, lamely, “because of work”. The day before my fourth attempt, they wisely ring me, practically threatening to frog-march me there.

Dr Chan, who runs Smile Studio, is an affable gentleman who gave up “traditional” dentistry a few years ago to concentrate on the cosmetic side of things. He describes himself as a pioneer, and has put all his considerable energies into perfecting effective, pain-free whitening. He now has outlets all over Britain, from Scotland to Somerset.

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Lying back in the chair, I anticipate the standard tut-tut of disapproval, but there is none. Instead, Dr Chan asks me to choose from a selection of DVDs (I select Hairspray, joking nervously that it’s better than Marathon Man). Mr Chan smiles indulgently (I sense it’s not the first time he’s heard that joke) and instructs me to “relax”. Then he puts a mouth guard in my mouth, a special pair of film-watching glasses on my nose and a set of headphones in my ears.

In all honesty, I have absolutely no idea what Mr Chan gets up to next, since our only interaction is an occasional “Are you OK?” from him, followed by a thumbs-up from me. I am vaguely aware of him applying stuff to my teeth, and of a white light, but otherwise I lose myself in the movie.

An hour or so later, I’m done. I sit up, rinse, and inspect my teeth. They are a full six shades lighter than before; not Hollywood white (which I had specifically not requested), but a satisfying shade of ivory. The result, I am assured, will last for up to two years. Two months on, I have no reason to doubt him. Thank you Mr Chan, not just for the teeth – but for restoring my faith in your profession.

www.smile-studio.co.uk, 0870 7588088. From £280 for one hour’s treatment

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