I love Disney, or at least I love the films: Toy Story, Monsters Inc, Peter Pan, 101 Dalmatians, Fantasia, the mighty Jungle Book. So when, over the years, friends returned from Paris with tales of the ghastliness of Disneyland, I just assumed they were being elitist. Probably embarrassed to admit how much they enjoyed themselves, I thought; probably not really entering into the spirit of the thing. I mean, you don’t get to Neverland unless you think happy thoughts, do you? Besides, they even have a spa there now. And so I bundled the family into a taxi at 6.30am on a cold January morning and off we set on the so-called adventure of a lifetime.

The Disney Eurostar is not a train for the faint-hearted – or for those without children. Like some kind of crèche from Hell, it hurtles towards Paris, a maelstrom of squawks, squeaks, tears and tantrums. Every available plug is fuelling a bleeping electronic entertainment gadget, with attention spans further shortened by the constant supply of snacks and fizzy drinks from the buffet car. As for the children – well, they are, of course, very excited indeed.

Three hours later, disembarking at the Marne-la-Vallée station, things get off to an inauspicious start. An urgent visit to the loos prompts an angry exchange with the French lavatory attendant, who, furious at my attempts to smuggle my daughter through the turnstiles (she was bursting, I had no one euro coins), berates me angrily. Never mind, I think to myself, it’ll be fine once we get to the hotel. After depositing our cases at the very efficient Disney Express luggage service (your bags re-materialise magically in your room), we join the crowd streaming towards a giant set of gates, beyond which are the sugar-pink walls of Disneyland itself.

As with all fairytales, reality can only intrude rudely. In this case, two intrusions: the crowds and the cost. Disneyland Paris is essentially like going skiing: expensive, with bad food, a lot of queuing and the occasional thrill. Even with temperatures below freezing, the place is packed to the turrets. Average queuing time: 45 minutes, up to 80 for some rides. Average ride time: 3 minutes, although I timed one at 45 seconds. That is one hell of a pain/pleasure ratio. Dinner for four (two adults, two children, half a bottle of unremarkable wine) at the Inventions buffet in our hotel costs €160. The following morning, we have to queue for 20 minutes just to get a table at breakfast, whereupon I am ashamed to say I stash away enough bread, cheese and fruit for a picnic lunch.

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Inevitably, what troubles this place is the clash of cultures. When an American smiles and tells you to have a nice day, you buy it. When a Frenchman does so, it simply doesn’t ring true. The French are too naturally sophisticated; irony, the arched eyebrow, the whiff of cultural superiority – all these things are inherent in the Gallic character. Combine the two, and the mixture curdles. Where it succeeds are in the moments of pure Disney: the Peter Pan ride over London; the Haunted House; the Buzz Lightyear experience; the flying Dumbos; Frontierland, with its Wild West theme, which is literally a blast; the chance to embrace a real, live Goofy, Mickey or Pluto.

There is one other, more unexpected place where true harmony is achieved: the compact but perfectly formed Celestia Spa at the Disneyland Hotel. I had been fully prepared to crack a few cheap Mickey Mouse jokes at its expense, but the service could not be more professional. I have a truly stunning massage, followed by a wonderfully restorative Carita facial; at €140 for two blissful hours of high-quality expertise, this is real value for money. Even better is the heated swimming pool, just the right temperature for little children and well stocked with water wings and floats, as well as being possessed of two irresistible other features: it’s free, and there’s no queue.

A two-night, three-day package, including return travel with Eurostar, costs from £256 per adult. Children under 12 stay, play and travel for free until April 2, 2009, for each adult package booked. Offer includes entry and B&B in any Disney Hotel. Call 0844 8008222 or visit www.disneylandparis.com

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