Spring is the cruellest season for those who are not quite the proverbial chicken: suddenly the world is full of young lovelies, with knees that don’t sag and elbows that are smooth, all desporting themselves in flimsy dresses. They have no idea what it’s like to quake at the thought of short sleeves, or pale at the prospect of wearing a skirt without a cosy pair of 60-denier tights to hide the thread veins.

But even I can’t spend the summer in support pants and boots. And so, this year, I have taken precautions. I have done two things that, miraculously, have left me feeling that perhaps the fine weather might not be so terrifying after all. I will still mainly be relying on personality, you understand; but in the right light, at a distance, I might now pass muster.

The first is dietary. Since the idea of a meal replacement shake or any kind of points system just makes me want to cut my head off with a penknife, I decided, literally, to cut the c**p. I removed all junk from my diet: sweets, crisps, fizzy drinks, sneaky little four-o’clock biscuits and, of course, chocolate. At first I missed it all like hell but then, after a few days of headaches and cravings, things began to get easier. There have been lapses, of course; but even so, it has made quite a surprising difference. I’d say roughly half a dress size, possibly more, all in the space of a few weeks.

The second is exercise. Lately a bad back has meant that the obvious stuff (running, tennis, cycling) is no longer an option, not unless I double-dose myself with Voltarol first. Powerplate seems like the sort of thing that people with perfect bodies do in order to have slightly more perfect bodies. And Pilates – well, Pilates is great, but not much good if you’re looking for an aerobic workout, right?

Wrong. At TenPilates, which has a brand spanking new studio in Chiswick (020-8996 1710; www.tenpilates.com), Pilates is fast, furious and, if you like slightly dodgy Aussie rock, fun. Founded by sports scientist and sometime classical guitarist David Higgins, Tenpilates is to normal Pilates what ashtanga yoga is to hatha: a dynamic form of gentle, therapeutic exercise.

Classes consist of up to ten people, each on their own Pilates reformer bed, and feature a relentless sequence of core-strengthening, bum-lifting, bingo-wing-banishing moves. At the beginning you will weep with the realisation of the many tiny muscles that the human body contains, and the ability of Higgins and his team to isolate and mercilessly exercise them. And yes: you will sweat and, possibly, swear. But when, in an unguarded moment, you notice that your stomach is no longer obscuring the view to your feet, you will know it has all, even Mr Higgins’ questionable taste in music, been worth it.

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