Ugh, clingy! Emotional neediness in a partner is generally considered something to be shunned and discouraged at all costs in our self-reliant Western world. But Brooke Feeney has made an award-winning discovery: if you want your partner to stop leaning on you, give them all the support they could ever need.

Feeney, an associate professor of psychology at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, calls her discovery the dependency paradox. This week it won her the £6,000 first prize at the first Mind Gym Academic Awards.

Her study of 115 volunteer couples over six months stuffs the notion of stiff upper lips. Instead it suggests that people with needy partners can create a beneficient cycle: by offering constant support the partners start to feel more confident that they can live without stabilisers.

Her study, published in February’s Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, was picked from more than 100 entrants by the acadmic board (see box) of the Mind Gym personal-development organisation. It launched the prize this year to encourage pioneering, scientifically rigorous and engaging research into the mysterious world between our ears.

Feeney asked her volunteer couples about each other’s needs and support levels. She then observed them interacting naturally, and in lab experiments when they were encouraged to seek support from each other. She followed the couples for six months to ascertain their levels of dependency or independence and found that, in general, the greater the spousal support, the greater the independence. “It is much easier for people to do things that enhance their personal growth – such as accepting challenges, trying new things and taking risks – when they know that someone is available to comfort and assist them if things go wrong,” says Feeney, who flew to Britain to accept her prize this week.

“Just as an individual driving a car without an insurance policy may be reluctant to drive long distances or to take unnecessary risks because there will be a heavy price to pay if something goes wrong, so, too, are individuals reluctant to take independent excursions away from a partner who does not provide good ‘coverage’ in an emergency.”

Feeney believes that her findings have broad potential for relationship counselling: “Simply telling people about the important role they play in promoting their partners’ wellbeing is likely to make them more mindful of their behaviour and of the impact it has on others.” The judges agreed, declaring: “The findings are relevant to everyone. They challenge the conventional folk psychology which states that being needy puts people off you. So instead of having to fake strength and independence, you can ask for support. The Mind Gym can use the findings in our workouts and books.”

Paula Hall, a relationship psychotherapist for Relate, says: “To a certain extent this theory rings true. If you openly love someone, they are less likely to feel insecure. But you have to be careful. If you have a partner who is particularly insecure, then providing too much support may increase their dependence and you may end up giving them the covert message that reads, ‘You can’t cope without me’.”

“Spousal support also has to be asked for, as an adult-to-adult sort of support, rather than a parenting-style support. I see some very dependent couples in counselling and when something goes badly wrong for the both of them, there’s a crisis about which one will actually be strong for the other. It’s about getting that balance right.”

And while you’re busy singing that old Bill Withers number Lean On Me, you could try giving yourself a boost by greeting your partner like a stranger in the night, according to a study that won a runner’s-up prize of £2,000. The research, by psychologists at the universities of British Columbia and Virginia, suggests that regularly treating your partner as though you’ve never met before can lift your morale.

The scientists asked 31 couples to interact with either their partner or a stranger of the opposite sex and asked them how they felt about this. The research found that the volunteers significantly underestimated how good they would feel after meeting a stranger, compared with meeting their spouse. The scientists then asked the couples to interact with their partners as though they had never met, and found that the participants’ sense of wellbeing rose significantly.

The reason? We tend to put our best face forward when meeting strangers in the hope that they think us likeable. With partners, we leave off the social mask and act like our maundering selves. Simply wearing that social mask is a morale-booster, the study says.

The study, which is also to be published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, recommends that we should consider getting out and meeting new people for the sake of our own happiness. And if we do stay at home, we should regularly treat our long-term partners like first dates (which might be handy if you can’t remember anything much about them).

New thinking about thinking

THE JUDGES WHO AWARDED THE MIND GYM’S £10,000 PRIZE FOR RESEARCH IN PRACTICAL PSYCHOLOGY

Guy Claxton Visiting professor of psychology and learning, Bristol University.

Michael West Professor of organisational psychology and director of research, Aston Business School, Birmingham.

Ingrid Lunt Director of graduate studies, University of Oxford.

Peter Robinson Emeritus professor, Bristol University.

The Mind Gym prize is now open for entries for 2008 and the judges say they are keen to encourage more British psychologists to enter. For information and details, contact Lizz Brocklesby at lizz.brocklesby@themindgym.com

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