OK, so there’s more than one way to bring up a baby. But until I became pregnant for the first time five months ago, I hadn’t realised just how much well-meaning yet unsolicited advice it is possible to have thrown at you.

Then there are the books. I realise in hindsight that scooping up the entire contents of the Pregnancy and Childcare shelf in my local bookshop was asking for trouble, but how was I to know that the baby-rearing gurus Gina Ford and Sheila Kitzinger might as well be from different planets?

Antenatal classes will provide the answers, I reassured myself, until the NCT (National Childbirth Trust) course details arrived. While these cover the likes of birth preparation and bottle versus breast-feeding, they barely scratch the surface when it comes to the emotional transition to motherhood. Many mothers-to-be like me are consequently left wondering how on earth we’ll deal with all the contradictory information constantly coming our way, not to mention our anxieties about not being a good enough mum and juggling parenting with a career.

It is with this in mind that Patricia Carswell, a mother of two and a professional coach specialising in motherhood, has set up a new course exploring the effect that motherhood has on a woman’s sense of identity. With sessions such as “The good mother syndrome – coping with guilt, perfectionism and other mothers”, and “How to decide what style of parenting to adopt”, I signed up in a flash.

Carswell says: “I devised the course after many clients told me that antenatal courses didn’t prepare them adequately for life after birth. They felt that once the birth was over, they were just muddling along.”

At 36 I have a pretty solid idea of the kind of mum I’d like to be, but by 11am on the day-long course in Notting Hill, West London, I realised that I didn’t trust my instinct to achieve it. I’m just not convinced I’ll know when my baby cries which cry signals hunger and which one spells tiredness, for instance, or whether my hatred of dummies will really wind up being in my child’s best interests. Hence all the guidebooks.

The other seven mothers-to-be (and one father-to-be) on the course identified other qualms, such as endless input from mothers-in-law, the pressures of eating and drinking the right things in pregnancy and deciding when is the best time to go back to work. Some were also concerned about their changing body image and finding ways to keep their partners feeling involved in the pregnancy.

By articulating such uncertainties, it’s amazing how quickly they start to feel like issues you can tackle rather than being caught up in the immensity of all the other emotions associated with pregnancy. And in some cases – like my instinct example – the fears start to dwindle simply as a result of having acknowledged that they exist. There’s also the old cliché of safety in numbers; being with people who say “Oh you feel like that too?” can be therapeutic in itself.

Secondly, there are some, admittedly limited, genuine practical solutions, as Carswell illustrated throughout the day via tips, research, examples and role plays. “Do whatever you’re doing for yourself, not your friends and family” is one of her five top tips for perfectionist mothers. The other four are to be happy with silver or bronze, to be realistic, to reduce your goals and to reward your efforts. Granted, it’s a lot to remember when you’re feeling like the world’s sloppiest mother because its 3pm and you haven’t dressed or showered, your baby is into her second hour of nonstop crying and you haven’t got anything in for dinner, but it’s not a bad starting point. “New mums tend to believe that if they’ve had a bad day, it will always be like that, but it’s worth remembering that just isn’t true,” Carswell says. “Just take a moment to watch your baby sleep. It’s a good reminder of the joys of parenting.” For much of the day Carswell helped us to find our own solutions, particularly when it came to working out the right parenting style and juggling careers with motherhood. Unlike the books, her approach is to help you find what suits you best.

Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a room full of neurotic pessimists, although Dr Sandra Wheatley, a social psychologist with a special interest in parenting, says that such courses are designed for the worried well. “But this is no bad thing,” she adds. “In my experience women give too little thought to the emotional shock of motherhood. Some even focus exclusively on all the benefits, conveniently pushing aside the limitations that having a child will bring and the effect that will have on their identity as a woman.”

In moments of crisis for mothers – perhaps when the baby is ill or they find that they’re not bonding in the way that they had hoped – they are in for a rude awakening, she believes. “I’m all for mothers having realistic expectations.”

Gayle Peterson, the author of What to Expect Before You’re Expecting*, agrees. “Motherhood should be a development process right from the moment you know it’s going to happen,” she says, adding that this has never been more important. “We have unrealistic expectations of mothers, and mothers have unrealistic expectations of themselves, which makes motherhood a breeding ground for depression. While I’m not convinced that you can ever fully prepare for parenting, I have no doubt that considering the emotional issues in advance will make you less vulnerable when you hit the weak spots.”

I won’t even have to wait until my baby is born before I start heeding some of the lessons of the course. When it comes to voluntary advice from friends or family, says Carswell, call on the three Ps: politeness, patience, but most important of all, passive resistance.

For more details visit coachingformothers.com, 0845 8386399; sessions cost £55 * Excerpts from Peterson’s book can be downloaded prepublication on her website makinghealthyfamilies.com

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