“Be very careful and gentle when you’re using this massage technique, guys,” cautions Sonya Murray, a baby guru. My hands freeze in mid-massage, paralysed by new-dad neurosis. Careful? Why? Am I hamfistedly pummelling a pressure point that leads directly to my baby’s heart? Am I damaging him, or hurting my six-month pregnant partner, Claire? “. . . this is so intense that some women experience an orgasm.” Phew, that’s all right then.

Birth? Come on, what’s the worst that can happen? You may accidentally trip your partner’s orgasm hair-trigger in front of the midwife during a perinatal massage at the hands of your other half. Other than that, you’ll be fine.

I’m delighted to be given the tools to deliver orgasmic pain relief, but I’m keen to know what else hapless daddy can contribute to the unarguably female task of labour. My “new man” instincts, however, are at odds with my job, which makes it difficult to commit to the early evening NCT (National Childbirth Trust) classes in my area. An antenatal course in a small group over one weekend is just the ticket. So here we are, with six other couples from across the UK, in the beautiful Mar Hall hotel, outside Glasgow.

Sonya and her colleague Emma Thomson, both hypnobirthing practitioners, are eminently qualified to give me a steer: Sonya is a mother of three and an independent teaching midwife; and Emma, who also has three kids, is an NCT-qualified birth educator. Their Babymooning weekend is a luxury antenatal course for parents-to-be who are too busy or too loaded to attend local NCT or hospital classes. “I knew there was a market for this kind of thing when I did my own antenatal course sitting on the floor of the local community centre,” says Sonya.

On the first night we meet in the bar and admire the views of the River Clyde. Most of the couples are from the London area, a mix of young professionals, entrepreneurs and entertainers. All are too busy to attend evening classes near home, or want to combine antenatal education with a luxury weekend. We blokes bond in mutual uncertainty, alternately guffawing about being down the pub when labour begins and pledging that we’ll be there for every precious second of our child’s entry into the world.

The education bit begins in earnest the next morning. The guest speaker Mary Nolan, a childbirth expert, talks about the birthing experience and the trials and joys of early parenthood. There are scientific references, model skeleton parts and cross-section drawings. Emma encourages us men to contemplate our role in labour. In a nutshell, it comes down to bladder monitor-cum-masseur-cum-calming influence-cum-lots of other things. A demanding remit, but free of any of the physical pain our partners will endure, we all agree, with “sensitive bloke” lines of concern etched into our foreheads. The most important point it seems, is that we must ensure that our partners pee hourly during labour.

In the nappy-changing workshop, I learn that the baby’s debut defecation is a substance called meconium. This will have been in his bowel for nine months before he ejects it into a nappy it is my job to change. It will resemble a blob of Marmite (provided by the gurus for examination), while subsequent poos will be almost impossible to differentiate from a squirt of Hellman’s dijonnaise (also provided). As I wonder which other condiments the baby gurus will ruin for me they steer us to the baby bathing table. Lowering a doll carefully into the water and gently washing the imaginary folds in the neck, I feel a rush of euphoria and a slight teariness, to think that I’ll be doing this with my own son in a few months. This feeling is enhanced later when we are asked to consider what makes the ideal father, and the importance of play emerges. Dad is the playmate for the little tyke; we’re the fun ones!

I leave with the basic knowledge required to be a good birthing partner and dad. And learning how to give a woman an orgasm without having to venture south of her armpits was worth the price of entry in itself.

For NCT classes, go to nct.org.uk/local/classes. Babymooning weekend prices start at £500pp, 0845 4680840; thebabygurus.co.uk.

. . . shove for his partner

Strangely enough, orgasms were not on my mind. I was more preoccupied by the life-size models of the pelvis and newborn doll. The doll fitted snugly into the pelvis but we managed to push it through only after a lot of squeezing and cursing. Then we discovered the baby doll was life-sized for a six-pounder; the average baby is 7.6lb. The women went pale, the men gulped and the baby gurus quickly started teaching us deep breathing exercises. But for every terrifying revelation there was a blueberry muffin or petit four to follow. This was not a typical NCT experience. Orgasmic massage? Perhaps the men should have been taught the therapeutic powers of an apple slice. CLAIRE McDONALD

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