Q I’m a man in my thirties and find I’m increasingly attracted to women
twice my age or older. Is this an “Oedipus complex” and do I need to seek
help?
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
A In the past, it wasn’t considered unusual in this country for an
older man to marry a much younger woman. Many men didn’t marry until they
had the time and means to settle down. However, it was then rare in Britain,
and considered undesirable, for an appreciably older woman to marry a
younger man. It did happen, of course, and could, as in the case of the
19th-century politician Benjamin Disraeli, who married a widow 12 years his
senior, be the basis for a long and satisfying relationship.
However, you are not alone. A young colleague of mine, who had been bilingual
but whose French had grown rusty, answered an advertisement in a magazine
from a 34-year-old man. He was offering French conversation in return for
the company of a woman who enjoyed art galleries. The arrangement sounded
ideal. The man was reasonably good-looking, made a good companion for visits
to the Tate and other galleries, but there was no suggestion of a sexual
spark between them. After a meeting or two, he told her about his life and
his penchant for women in their seventies, even eighties. He wasn’t
interested in well preserved 60-year-olds, however glamorous. His love for
older women, and the will of one of them, had enabled him to devote his time
to doing a PhD in art history, and to write occasional papers.
In order to pacify his family, to ease his social life and, possibly, to have
children, he thought he ought to conform to convention and meet younger
women, hence his advertisement. My colleague, then in her late twenties, was
fascinated by his story and his account of the physical problems that these
relationships entailed. However, though her French improved, the association
petered out as she felt that he was unlikely to change his tastes in women.
When the love of a younger person for an older partner is so all-encompassing
that they can achieve satisfactory sex only with older people it is known as
gerontophilia. It used to be considered a paraphilia (or, previously, a
perversion) only if it was recurrent and persistent, and if sexual
intercourse with a younger person was impossible and unsatisfying.
Recently, the term gerontophilia has tended to be confined to those cases in
which there is the suggestion that the man – unlike Disraeli, my colleague’s
friend and presumably you – is violent and sadistic towards his granny-aged
partner. Many of the cases that come to court do so because of the frequent
aggressive and violent nature of a gerontophile’s sexual behaviour. This
kind of sexual activity is often motivated by an element of revenge.
Frequently, a man who is a sadistic gerontophile has often been brought up
by a much older woman, possibly a grandmother or elderly relative, who has
been an unreasonably strict disciplinarian. She may have exerted control
either with violence or moral blackmail. People’s sexual activities are far
more variable than is realised and they are often determined, as Freud
taught, by a person’s early life. But whatever an aged woman has done,
unacceptable violence is never permissible.
However, you seem to have a good relationship with older women. If seeing a
psychologist would help you to accept your sexual tendencies, by all means
do so, but there is no magic way, with pills or chat, of changing your
desires.
Dr Thomas Stuttaford, the Times doctor, spent many years working in
a genito-urinary clinic
SUZI GODSON
A Are you attracted to 60-plus women purely because they are over 60?
Or have you become involved in a succession of relationships with women who
just happen to be a lot older than you? If the answer to the first question
is yes, then you could probably do with a little help. The psychoanalyst’s
view is that an Oedipus complex is not abnormal but, if you feel that what’s
happening to you is not natural, then one or two consultations with a
therapist might help you to see whether this behaviour is something that you
need to modify or accept.
If your attraction to elderly women is sexually compulsive, you might be
classified as a gerontophile. Although this paraphilia is supposed to be
very rare, if you type the words “granny” and “sex” into Google it brings up
thousands of pages with self-explanatory titles such as Senior Sizzle or Hot
Grannies. The abundance of explicit material on the internet catering to
what must constitute “niche” sexual behaviour suggests that you, and Jason
from Little Britain, are not the only men in the country who get off
on “mature” women.
If your interest in older women is less a problem of sexual compulsion, and
more a question of genuine interest, then you are part of a growing trend.
The number of older women having relationships with younger men has
increased dramatically in the past ten years. At this point all journalists
writing on this subject are obliged to wheel out the actors Demi Moore and
Ashton Kutcher as an example of how older women/ younger men relationships
are thriving. But, the thing is, Moore and Kutcher are separated only by 15
years and, let’s face it, she hasn’t got to 44 looking like she does without
a little assistance.
Thanks to cosmetic surgery, medical science, better nutrition and a gym on
every corner, older women look better and live longer than ever before. And,
as divorce releases increasing numbers of middle-aged women back into the
dating market, younger men have cottoned on to the fact that sex with a
woman who is solvent, sorted and about to send her kids to college has
enormous advantages. For postmenopausal single women, a relationship with a
younger man can be liberating. And since nothing is ever certain, and things
can go tits-up whether you choose a partner who is 32 or 62, these women are
often happy to team up with a toy-boy regardless of how long the
relationship lasts.
That said, 30 years is an enormous physical, mental and cultural gap for any
couple to bridge. Dating someone who is frequently mistaken for your Nan
might hold some erotic allure for a time, but the day-to-day reality of a
relationship with someone who keeps her teeth in a glass is a little more
complicated.
Vast age gaps mean vast differences. Perhaps the best example of how a
relationship between an older woman and a younger man pans out in the long
term is the partnership between Betty Dodson, 72, and Eric Wilkinson, 25.
Dodson has been one of America’s leading sex educators for the past 30
years. She’s been with Wilkinson for five years and they clearly have great
sex, but aren’t monogamous. Wilkinson has three other ongoing sexual
relationships because, to quote Dodson: “I’m feeling my years. I still love
sex, but I can’t f**k around the clock like I used to.”
Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and
The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)
