Why do some women always go for bounders? Because they’re programmed to fall
in love with narcissists – men who are glamorous, self-centred, difficult,
intensely vulnerable . . . and who push all the right romantic buttons.
Narcissism is a personality type – recognised by psychiatrists and
psychoanalysts – that goes far beyond vanity. In America the word is now
commonly used to describe men who might, 20 years ago, have simply been
called “bastards”. But the idea of narcissism describes something about
human nature far more specific and interesting than that.
True narcissists could be described as emotional vampires – they have a sense
of self-importance that depends on the admiration of others but, at the same
time, are often incapable of understanding how other people feel. Their
innate uncertainty about their worth gives rise to them concocting a
self-protective aura of grandiosity and arrogance, often weaving a fantasy
world to prop it up.
Psychiatrists believe there could be 600,000 people in the UK who are
narcissistic to such as degree that they are a problem to society, but
lesser narcissists surround us every day. It’s a potentially destructive
combination for those around them. But the irony is that narcissists, just
like all those sexy vampires in the movies, are often very successful at
attracting women. That’s because the aura they give off conforms to some of
our stereotypes of the dark leading man. Who, for example, could be more of
a romantic hero than Jane Austen’s Mr Darcy?
The qualities that have made him the object of feminine drooling are also the
qualities that psychiatrists define as being characteristic of narcissistic
personality disorder. Here’s Darcy as described by Jane Austen: handsome and
conscious of his appearance; proud, giving the appearance of being above
everyone else; emotionally self-contained. Now let’s look at some of the
characteristics of the narcissistic personality, as defined by the American
Psychiatric Association: “grandiose sense of self-importance”, “requires
excessive admiration”, “shows arrogant, haughty behaviour”. A resemblance?
And what is it about Darcy that makes Elizabeth Bennet fall in love with him?
It’s a side that no one else can see – a sensitivity and vulnerability. It’s
part of the thrill of romance. “You do not know what he really is; pray do
not pain me by speaking of him in such terms,” says Elizabeth. All this is
characteristic of falling in love with a narcissist. The accounts of modern
women who’ve fallen for these narcissistic types show that the relationship
often ends in tears.
The narcissist: monster or prince? “I think one of the ways I got
hooked into the relationship is that Roger made me feel as if I was the only
person on the planet that understood him,” says Nancy, 33, who has been
involved with a narcissist for eight years.
“That’s quite a powerful thing because it puts one in a position of real
responsibility. He appeals to a certain kind of woman. It’s a sort of Beauty
and the Beast story – only you can turn the monster into a handsome prince.
And when Roger shines his light on someone, it makes them feel very special.”
These male characteristics that women have found alluring for centuries are
also classic manifestations of a narcissistic personality. Yet narcissistic
men are, by their nature, difficult to relate to long-term – their outlook
is so self-centred that they find it very difficult to have insight into
other people’s feelings. They are not givers or empathisers, and that makes
a relationship with a narcissist a one-way-street.
It wasn’t long before Nancy began to realise that Roger didn’t exactly love
her – he was using her to feed his ravenous ego. Not only was he completely
lacking in sympathy for her problems, he was causing them by constantly
making her feel worthless. That way, he could feel more important.
“Roger is incredibly manipulative, so he constantly makes me believe I’m not
good at what I do, be it at work or at home. Everything makes him jealous,
so he’s got to be better than me. He doesn’t believe I have any talent at
all. He’s also made me believe that I’m incredibly selfish, and that nobody
really likes me, and everyone has a Machiavellian reason for hanging out
with me.”
The narcissist: an impulsive romantic? Let’s add another classic Mills &
Boon ingredient: the whirlwind romance. Narcissists are masters of the grand
romantic gesture. Unfortunately, the gestures are the whole deal,
symptomatic of these men’s need to show off and be the centre of attention.
Here’s a woman called Rosie talking about former boyfriend John. “I was made
to feel special with incredible letters and poems, and little thoughtful
things like him remembering everything I said I liked, and then weeks,
possibly months later, buying them as presents. I mentioned that I used to
collect hippos as a child, and he went out and bought as many toy and model
hippos as he could find. And I heard from mutual friends that he talked
about me admiringly all the time, which was very flattering.”
The narcissist: a glamorous achiever? There’s another characteristic
of narcissists that tends to make them superficially attractive people
romantically: their fantasy world. Some narcissists can create an alluring
impression of wealth and ability to build their self-esteem. They believe
themselves to be on a par with high achievers – so they will always want to
be seen in the right circles, with the right people and in the right places
– hanging out at the best bars, clubs, restaurants.
WHY WOMEN FALL FOR NARCISSISTS
Why should women be susceptible to the charms of men who will often make their
lives so difficult? There are three possible reasons.
1) Because of the nature of love We are drawn romantically to people
whose vulnerabilities dovetail with our own. We are attracted to people who
need us as well as want us. And narcissists are some of the neediest people
around. Many psychoanalysts believe that narcissism is a form of regression
back to childish self-absorption, resulting from emotional neglect by
parents in early life. Children who have never learnt empathy from their
parents, and who have failed to gain their love or attention, grow up
protecting themselves against further rejection. They do this by creating a
concocted shell of self-sufficiency and grandiosity around themselves. But
inside that shell is a vulnerable child. Some psychoanalysts believe that
lovers subconsciously think their partner can compensate for any lack of
love in their earlier lives. If you talk to relationship counsellors,
they’ll tell you that is about an emotional “fit” – where a sense of
romantic oneness is created, with each partner compensating for the other’s
deficiencies. It’s partly what creates that fabulous in-love feeling of
finding the only person in the world who’s right for you.
This euphoric state invariably doesn’t last. How could it? You simply can’t
live life like that. Normally, as a relationship settles down, it moves on
to a stage where the lovers subconsciously realise that the other can’t
provide all their emotional needs, or repair emotional damage
single-handedly. Each partner recognises the independence of the other,
adjusting their behaviour and trying to take into account the other’s
individuality. But narcissists find this impossible. Their in-built
sensitivity and their fear of humiliation is so great that they find the
threat of “oneness” ending quite frightening.
2) Because it holds an evolutionary advantage There’s an evolutionary
theory that women are hard-wired to fall in love with strong, domineering
and erratic types. It’s espoused by David Buss, a psychology professor at
the University of Texas, and it works like this.
From a biological point of view, both men and women are looking for the same
thing when selecting a partner – someone who is likely to give them
healthy offspring who will be able to flourish into adulthood. So males look
for signals that suggest fertility, and females look for signals that
suggest high status and economic security. The qualities that narcissists
display – dominance, high status, ambition – are exactly those that women
are drawn to. Even if narcissistic men are not actually successful (and many
are) most throw off signals of status – such as arrogance – and get the
girl.
3) Because of their own background Scientists believe that some women
who have themselves come from a background where parents expected the world
to revolve around them may be more likely to find narcissistic traits
desirable. They would have assumed that narcissism was normal.
Even if we don’t fully understand the reasons why some women seem to be more
attracted to narcissistic men than others, it is reasonable to consider the
possibility that it is an emotional vulnerability of some sort that aligns
their poles to the particular magnetic draw of narcissistic men. This isn’t
bad; it’s just how humans are.
All About Me: Loving a Narcissist (Collins, £8.99), is published on July 2 and
is available from Times Booksfirst for £8.54: 0870 1608080; timesonline.co.uk/booksfirstbuy
Are all narcissists men? Although there are many women who are
narcissists, psychoanalysts estimate that up to three quarters of
narcissists are male. Scan the literature, talk to the people who feel
they’ve been victims of narcissists, and you’ll find the vast majority of
case studies are about men. Why? There’s possibly a complex interplay of two
factors:
Being born a boy The hormone mix that baby boys are exposed to in the
womb is high in testosterone – which research at Cambridge University has
shown makes them naturally more attention-seeking, competitive and lacking
in empathy (all narcissistic traits).
Being raised a boy As infants and children, boys have a physical and
psychological need for love and attention. But bringing them up to be tough,
and not gently nurturing them, might make them resort to primitive
self-defence mechanisms, which makes them disruptive, attention-seeking and
poor at maintaining relationships.
Aren’t I lovely . . .
COLIN FARRELL The Irish ladies’ man left his first wife, the actress
Amelia Warner, after only four months of marriage. He freely admits visiting
prostitutes and once said: “I’ve always been a firm believer that casual sex
is a f***ing good thing” p>
WARREN BEATTY
Carly Simon's song You're So Vain was written in his honour. Before he
committed in1992 to co-star Annette Bening, Beatty was linked to a string of
women including Madonna and Faye Dunaway, though none had a bad word to say
about him.
MICK JAGGER
The banana-lipped rocker has seven children by four women and is considered a
sex symbol at a wrinkly 64. His second wife, supermodel Jerry Hall, once
described his lust as “incurable” and said he needed help to rein in his
womanising.
