One of the most pernicious myths of recent decades is the myth of “quality
time”, those odd snatched hours with one’s children, when everyone’s
supposed to be on best behaviour, “enjoying quality interaction”. But this
isn’t how close family relationships work; children aren’t like business
acquaintances or casual dates who can be slotted into a busy diary. Although
special outings and occasions such as a “family viewing night” are great
fun, it’s more important just to spend day-by-day time together, hanging out
in the same place, following family routines and rituals, getting on with
household chores or enjoying a hobby.
These are the times when you can communicate freely with your child, letting
conversation develop naturally from whatever’s going on. It’s also the time
when you pass on skills and leisure interests to the next generation. Your
child is, in a way, your apprentice; by watching as you do daily tasks, such
as making a cup of tea, checking e-mails or enjoying a hobby such as fishing
or sewing, he or she learns life skills and life enhancement. If you let
your child have a go, and give lots of praise for effort, your knowledge
will soon be passed on.
Some of the skills you teach can eventually become your child’s
responsibilities in the home. Seen like this, they are less like chores and
more like a valued contribution from a family member who is growing up.
FORGING A FAMILY
The simple truth is that if children are to grow up happy and resilient, they
need love, time and attention from the significant adults in their lives.
Those adults don’t need to be parents – they could be grandparents or other
relatives, nannies, childminders – but the care on offer has to be loving
and consistent, and the adults have to be happy spending time with the child
in their care.
Another simple truth has emerged from history: the best institution for
providing loving care is the family. So whether you look after your child
yourself, or find other carers for some of the time, you need to forge a
strong family base to offer protection against the many risk factors
inherent in 21st-century life.
FAMILY-FRIENDLY WORK
The work-life balance is one of those thorny issues that worry us so much that
we’re often reluctant to confront it. “I’ll think about it next week,” we
say. “I’m too busy at the moment.” But as an internet philosopher put it:
“If you died next week, the company you work for would fill your place
within a week or so. Your family would miss you for ever.”
Parents have to find ways of sorting out this problem that they’re confident
will work for their family, otherwise guilt inevitably follows and guilt is
a bad basis for human relationships.
SLOW PARENTING
It’s not just work and general busyness that make it difficult to provide
family time. It’s our modern mindset.
Today’s parents grew up in an era of labour-saving devices; we’re used to
pressing a switch or turning a dial and getting what we want straight away,
no messing.
At work we’re used to multitasking – clicking between channels and websites,
fielding phone calls and e-mails, juggling a dozen mental tasks at once.
Not surprisingly, people raised in such a quick-fix world find it difficult to
slow down to the much more primitive pace needed for looking after a baby or
a small child. (I remember comparing looking after a small baby to driving
in first gear, all day.)
For adults used to living at electric speed, it takes an effort of will to
slow down to the biological speed required for child-rearing.
But if parents find a way of switching their brains to “slow time” when
they’re with their children, they can start enjoying family time rather than
feeling constantly rushed, irritated and exhausted.
A mother in Kent told me: “When I go to pick up the children now I pause
before I get out of the car and I say to myself, ‘Now slow down, think
little people and think slow as you are now going into slow time,’ and it
really helps me to adjust my mindset from my busy day to that of the
children.”
© Sue Palmer, 2007 Extracted from Detoxing Childhood, to be
published by Orion, August 16 (£9.99). It is available from Times BooksFirst
at £8.99, free p&p. Call 0870 1608080 or log on to
timesonline.co.uk/booksfirstbuy,
Next week: how to media-proof young minds
The work-family balance
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Recognise the supreme importance of time in bringing up children – the younger
the child the more “slow time” you need. Then enjoy the opportunity to
escape from the demands of “electric speed” to the slower, more human tempo
of child-rearing Readjust your expectations of yourself (one mother
suggests: “Tell yourself you’re a hero if you manage to achieve just one
thing in a day!”)
If you work, devise a way of moving from work mode into family mode, for
example: a) use a familiar form of words. (Say to yourself: “I am now
entering slow time”) b) use a boundary, such as getting into the car or
opening your front door, when you step from one persona to the other c)
change your clothes, but make sure that your “parent outfit” is one that
feels both comfortable and attractive
Break free from the traditional view of low-status nurturing and high-status
breadwinning. Rearing children is one of the most important things that
you’ll ever do – enjoy it
BE FIRM WITH YOURSELF
If you aren’t spending enough time with your family look for ways of changing
work patterns. Think about (or preferably discuss with other
adults-in-charge): a) your real financial needs (ie, living costs, as
opposed to lifestyle choices) b) the real effects on your career of
adjusting the balance versus the effects on your life and relationships c)
possible flexible working arrangements, eg, part-time work, job-sharing,
working from home, shift-sharing
Switch off the computer and put your phone on answerphone when sharing time
with your family. Set times when you will check e-mail and messages. Stick
to them
Force yourself to keep work and family separate and don’t let work-based
stress overflow into family time
Resist the urge to multitask at home. For instance, don’t have the TV on when
you’re sharing meals; concentrate on the real-life interaction going on at
the table
The woman who found the antidote to the angst of modern childhood
Sue Palmer is a writer, broadcaster and consultant on the education of young
children.
She has written many books, as well as creating TV and software programmes for
three to 12-year-olds. Originally trained as a primary-school teacher,
Palmer worked as a head teacher during the late 1970s before studying for a
Masters in linguistics and literacy in the mid1980s. This led to work as a
government adviser for the Department for Education and Skills.
In 2002, Palmer became concerned that huge social and cultural shifts,
resulting from advancing technology, were hindering children’s potential to
learn literacy skills.
“I was interested in how children learn to write and understand the world
through learning and writing. When I talked to teachers, they felt that
children’s attention spans were shorter, that their language wasn’t as good
as it had been in the past and their listening skills were poorer, so I
started researching this in my spare time,” she says.
From here Palmer went on to write Foundation of Literacy (Network
Educational Press, £19.99), a book for parents of three to six-year-olds,
co-authored with child education consultant Ros Bayley and designed to
develop the skills, concepts and knowledge underpinning literacy.
She then expanded her research to cover broader aspects of child development
and in 2006 was one of the signatories to an open letter sent to The
Daily Telegraph. In it, 110 teachers, psychologists, children’s authors
and other experts called on the Government to prevent the “death of
childhood”, which they believed would be the result of an increase in the
use of TV and the internet.
The letter resulted in Baroness Greenfield setting up an all-party group in
the Lords to look into the effect of technology on children.
In the same year Palmer published Toxic Childhood, which advanced the
theory that poor diet, lack of sleep, little exercise, high divorce rates,
pressure at school, poor childcare, aggressive marketing, overexposure to TV
and the internet and the failure of parents to communicate with their
children were creating a generation of incoherent, self-centred and
disturbed individuals.
“I was looking into Ritalin prescriptions, the drug they give to children with
Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), they had gone sky-high in
2006, and I met another researcher who was looking into the same issue. She
believed that lack of activity was the cause of ADHD; I thought it was to do
with poor language, connected with TV-watching. Suddenly, I realised all the
experts were trapped in their own disciplines, looking at child development
from one point of view so I decided to pull it all together, talking to
experts in a lot of different fields.”
The book sparked a UK-wide debate on childhood, including discussion of issues
such as whether there is too much testing in schools and if stay-at-home
mothers are better parents than their working counterparts.
In her new book Detoxing Childhood (see extract above), a sequel to Toxic
Childhood, Palmer sets out to provide a comprehensive guide to defusing
the negative effects of what she describes as toxic childhood syndrome.
