Q UK men spend too long on foreplay. Liaisons in my native South Africa
were robust, uncomplicated and frequent: why can’t my boyfriend get on with
it?
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
A A carefully set table with the silver and candles reflected in its
polished surface helps to create an appetite for dinner. The meal will be
savoured more if the setting is right and it is preceded by a glass of
champagne as well as accompanied by a reasonable wine.
Atmosphere and a build-up makes for a convivial atmosphere and a rewarding
evening. Usually careful and considerate attention to the surroundings and
the preliminaries will make it a memorable occasion, however often repeated.
Usually pleasure is heightened by the anticipation of a beautifully cooked
meal, whereas at other times someone may be happier with a quick takeaway.
As with food, so with sex.
In good relationships the nature of the sex varies according to the moods of
the participants. The hope is that in a well-matched pair sharing similar
personalities and interests moods and needs will coincide. It is as unusual
and difficult for a man to be partnered by a woman who always wants a
quickie, however robust and overpowering, as it would for a woman to have a
lover who runs through his sexual repertoire in five minutes, or subjects
her night after night to a drill as carefully planned and choreographed as
Trooping the Colour.
In the 1960s and 70s men were endlessly lectured about bettering their
foreplay techniques and abandoning the jungle beast approach. Equally, they
were never taught that there was a minority of women who didn’t need lengthy
foreplay. I suspect that you’re one of these women.
When I worked in Whitechapel in the genitourinary medical clinic, queues of
men came to talk about their sex lives. The complaint was more often than
not that they suffered from premature ejaculation. As a result they didn’t
offer much foreplay as even lying naked beside their wives was enough to
bring on an orgasm. If they were to penetrate, few achieved the requisite
but sadly inadequate two and a half minutes that Dr Alfred Kinsey in his
famous report suggested is the average time it takes for a man to ejaculate.
Experience in the clinic suggests that for every woman who objects to their
partner coming too slowly, there are about ten who complain about the lack
of foreplay, or of its finesse. Perhaps the old adage that the way to a
man’s heart is through his stomach, should be supplemented by one that
explains that the way to a woman’s genitalia is through her head. Most women
have to be wooed before lovemaking. Men should aim to gradually build up
sexual tension by concentrating on erotic zones of the head, neck and
breasts before heading for harbour, and even then shouldn’t dock too soon.
Relationships are about compromise, and understanding the differences between
the sexes and personalities. It is difficult to generalise.
However, whereas as many women are sensitive about the general appearance of
their bodies, men, although ever conscious about the size of their penis,
are more vulnerable about any criticism of their performance.
Most become upset by criticism or even clumsily phrased suggestions about
their technique or duration of performance. The tact of a diplomat is needed
as men may become alienated if any joke is made, however amiably, about
penile size, shape or sexual performance.
Dr Thomas Stuttaford, the Times doctor, spent many years working
in a genitourinary clinic
SUZI GODSON
A It is a little unfair to base your opinion of a nation on just one
man but let me assure you, if you are concerned that your boyfriend’s
lingering foreplay accurately represents the sexual skill of most British
males, you have nothing to worry about. Really.
I’m Irish but as I’ve lived in this country for more than 20 years, it’s safe
to assume that I have more experience of the Great British Male (GBM) than
you do. I would suggest that although men in this country understand that
foreplay is essential for female sexual arousal (women have been nagging
them about it for 50 years), sexual self-sacrifice doesn’t come naturally to
them. They are not stupid, though. While they’re trying to make a good
impression they will put in the work.
At the beginning of a relationship, he will forgo Premier League matches, send
flowers, endure Hugh Grant romantic comedies or numb his tongue with
cunnilingus but, when a woman starts ironing his boxers and cooking dinner,
he saves his best for high days and holidays.
If your relationship is relatively new, enjoy the attention while it lasts.
Once you have shown even the remotest bit of commitment he will “get on with
it” and get down the pub for the start of the football. If he doesn’t, it
means that you have unwittingly allowed yourself to get involved with a
supercreep (SC).
SCs read The Joy of Sex and think they are dedicated to “the art” of
lovemaking. They are expert on all things female and know more about
oestrogen and the menstrual cycle than any woman. On the upside, they are
the only people in the world who actually enjoy giving a massage. On the
downside, they like to use Latin titles for genitalia – mons pubis,
etc – and are often bearded.
When you are all alone and far from home without your love compass, it can be
easy to make mistakes about the kind of men you date. A friend of mine was
so madly in love with a guy that she learnt to speak Italian, at which point
she realised that he was a complete idiot. Even without language barriers,
cultural differences and differing sexual expectations can complicate
things. For example, one of the first things new lovers on any continent do
is give each other a relationship history. Anyone with the smarts won’t talk
up old partners, but even if you left out the bit about robust and
uncomplicated sex, the numbers must have stacked up and “frequent” would
have thrown down a gauntlet.
In the UK we only have an average of ten partners in a lifetime and there is
too much oestrogen in the water, so in a long-term relationship GBMs only
manage it twice a week. Say “I do” and the rate of coital frequency drops by
about 50 per cent within the first year (the honeymoon effect) and continues
to slide with age. People between the ages of 33 and 45 only have sex once a
week and by the time couples reach 45 to 55, the copulation rate
deteriorates to just twice a month. So, there you have it. The average GBM
is not as highly sexed as the average South African. He uses foreplay to win
your heart and then becomes complacent. He is more interested in football
than f***ing and he lives in a country where the sun shines for two weeks a
year. Flight to Jo’burg, anyone?
Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and
The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)
I am 41 and have had a few more than the "" average"" ten partners. I think Suzi Godson has hit the nail on the head. Well said.
Sarah G, London,
Redcliffe ,London
And you know this how ? thats not the way it is in my world.Maybe you are in in a very bitter ans twisted bit of london?
gadriel, newport, wales
If women actually had the first idea what they wanted from one day to the next just think how boring it would be.... bless 'em. Can't live with 'em, can't bury them under the patio.
Mark, Birmingham, UK
The GBM declines to twice per month as his ageing wife becomes ever less attractive to him, and ever less interested in sex with him. Right up until the point when he decides to stop wasting his life and finds a younger woman.
Redcliffe, London,