The secret to successful parenting is to find a balance by focusing on key
areas of importance. Denying a child every element of popular culture, every
opportunity to share activities with friends and every possibility of
freedom will backfire. Choose your battles. If you are resistant to the idea
of change, negotiation or compromise, you will render your child powerless,
thereby encouraging rebellion and deception, and undermine your
relationship.
Be prepared to explain yourself and to make allowances. Balance what your
child says, what the Government decrees, what other children are doing and
what other parents allow with what you believe, and make a judgment on that
basis. Take the time to explain your thinking. Unexplained rules set for the
sake of them will do nothing but cause frustration and resistance. What’s
more, your child will learn nothing except how to accept defeat, and the
defeat will breed resentment. If you explain your thinking, your child will
learn to respect you, even if there are a few battles along the way.
INDEPENDENCE
How old must my child be to be left alone in the house?
There is no minimum age, so you need to use common sense. A report on child
welfare by the Commission of Families and the Wellbeing of Children states
that children under 13 should be left alone for no more than a “short time”,
but this is not legally enforceable. What is legally clear is that you are
responsible for your children until they are 16, whether you are at home or
not. So, if something happens while you are out, it is your responsibility.
To me, 13 seems to be rather old. Most children are capable of looking after
themselves for a few hours by the age of 10 or 11, provided they
are aware of what to do in an emergency, know how to contact you or another
responsible adult if they are in trouble, are mature enough to stick to the
household rules (such as not touching the oven or hob, for example) and are,
most importantly, happy and comfortable doing so.
How old must my child be to spend the night alone?
The same report suggests that children under the age of 16 should not be left
alone overnight. This seems like a reasonable age. You may have a child who
is mature enough to be left a year or so before this age. Remember, though,
that not all kids are happy being left overnight, even when they’re older
than 16, so talk things over with your teen before making any decisions.
When is my child old enough to get him or herself home from a party?
There are several stages in the process towards being independent enough to
come home at night. The first is that your child is accustomed to coming
home from school in daylight, either by public transport, cycle or walking.
The next step is to ensure that your child understands the transport system
– knows what to do if a bus or train doesn’t turn up, or is cancelled, what
tickets to purchase and when the last buses or trains run. Your child must
have experience of travelling at night and be fully aware that the streets
look different in the dark. He or she must be streetwise enough to
understand potential dangers (everything from gangs of youths, muggers and
rapists, to fast-moving car drivers who might not see a child) and know what
to do. Your child must carry a form of communication (such as a mobile
phone) or have access to one.
So if your child has most or all of these things under her belt she’s probably
ready to get herself home. There must, however, be some fairly strict
conditions. First of all, it’s wise to insist that kids travel with someone
else rather than alone. If you are worried about transport, perhaps you
could offer to split the cost of a cab, or she could share one with friends.
At least she will be driven to your door. You are within your rights to
insist that she does not attempt to make her way home if she’s had too much
to drink – say you’d rather be called out at the eleventh hour than risk her
finding herself in trouble. It’s worth emphasising that you want to be
called the moment she is worried about something or in a difficult
situation. It’s also important that you know exactly where she is going and
how she plans to get back so, if problems arise, you can trace her route and
help her.
So what age? Kids who have been travelling to activities at night on their own
from an early age can probably manage it by 13; otherwise 14 or 15 seems
about right.
At what age can my child be left on her own while I go away for a few days?
According to the NSPCC, it is acceptable to leave your child for a few days
(but no longer), at the age of 16, but only under the following conditions:
She is given clear instructions about what to do if there is a problem.
She has a list of people whom you trust that she can contact or go to
(neighbours, relatives). You put all obvious dangers out of reach before you
go, such as medicines, chemicals, matches or sharp objects. Your child is
happy about the arrangement and knows how to contact the emergency services,
if necessary. You leave a contact number. You lay down some ground rules
about friends coming over and decide together what is acceptable behaviour
and what things she can do with her friends.
In addition to this, I would suggest that you do not leave any child with
emotional, medical or behavioural problems that might affect judgment or
decision-making skills. In these instances, your child will need to be
supervised.
When should I stop asking for details of what he is doing on his evenings
out?
Studies resoundingly show that a lack of parental support and guidance is one
of the primary causes for risky behaviour such as drinking, smoking, taking
drugs and having unprotected sex.
While there is certainly a balance to be struck, it’s absolutely imperative
that you keep tabs. For safety reasons and for peace of mind, you should be
kept abreast of your children’s plans, well into the late teenage years –
including when those plans change. You don’t need to know the nitty-gritty
details, but you should have a clear idea of where he is going, with whom,
and when she’ll be back.
Hopefully, in a good communicative relationship, your child will feel
comfortable telling you his plans (one reason why it is important not to
judge, lecture or lay down overly rigid rules when he does confide) and also
enjoy telling you the details afterwards. This is the only way that you will
ever know if he is experiencing problems or undertaking risky behaviours
with perhaps unsuitable friends.
BEDROOMS
At what age can my daughter deny me access to her room?
Most parents still clear up their child’s room well into the teens, or enter
to put away clothing or change sheets, and there is a clear temptation to
investigate piles of school work, an unlocked diary or something that looks
suspiciously like birth control or cigarette papers, particularly if there
is any cause for concern.
Your daughter is right, on the one hand, to make her room a no-go area
because, chances are, you will come across something that she deems private,
or which she does not wish you to see. But there are other issues. Teens
retreat from the family circle. That is normal. They want special space,
usually their bedrooms, that will reflect their moods, interests and search
for a sense of identity. Parents need to set some guidelines up front.
Tell your child her privacy will be respected unless her behaviour strongly
suggests there is a serious problem that she is denying. Open communication
is always the priority. But if there are strong signs that all is not well,
then the rules change.
If your daughter wants no access, she must, however, agree to keep her room
clean to a reasonable standard and put away her own clothes, replace her
bedding and agree to some limitations – for example, no drugs, drinking
alcohol, smoking, entertaining the opposite sex without permission, using
the computer or her mobile inappropriately, or even lighting candles or
incense if you are worried about fire hazards.
When should I begin knocking on my daughter’s bedroom door before entering?
If a child’s door is shut, she wants privacy. Therefore, from any age, it is
respectful to knock. This can, actually, be a household rule. After all, if
your door is shut, you’d appreciate a knock before entering as well. Respect
is taught; if you show it, you can expect your children to behave in the
same way.
When should my child take responsibility for cleaning her own room?
Children from the age of 6 can certainly take on board some general tidying
duties, including putting away their own books and toys, and making their
beds. From the age of 10 they can undertake simple cleaning duties, such as
dusting, a little vacuuming, and sorting their clothes for washing.
Teenagers can wash their own clothes and put them away. No child will know
what to do unless you show them, so a few instructive, cleaning-together
jobs will work well to establish your expectations and to teach the required
skills.
As kids move into adolescence, they often become sloppy and less hygienic, so
your pristine preteen cleaner and organiser might suffer a few blips. In
this case, set out a time each week when you expect cleaning to be
undertaken, and don’t be afraid to check. Obviously it makes sense to be
fairly complimentary, no matter what the result, as negative feedback
usually puts paid to future efforts. However, if your child is not living up
to standards, you may wish to agree that you will share certain tasks or
that you will help from time to time. Be draconian if required; a week with
no clean clothes or a couple of weeks living in dust and debris will usually
shock teenagers into action.
How often do I need to change bedding in the teenage years?
For health reasons, sheets should be changed every two weeks; ideally,
pillowcases should be changed weekly. The reason for this is that bacteria
and dust mites can proliferate without regular laundering. Some teens (boys
in particular) may be embarrassed by what appears on their sheets or want to
keep their rooms private from parents. In this case, it’s worth teaching
your teen how to use the washing-machine, or setting a day where he or she
bundles up their own sheets and puts them in the washing-machine, ready for
washing by a parent.
Keep a spare set of sheets within easy reach so that they can change their own
beds when required. (Warning: many teens, particularly boys, seem happy to
sleep on a bed without a sheet or duvet cover, so make sure that the clean
sheets actually make it on to the bed.)
SEX
When do kids start to have sex?
Research funded by the Economic and Social Research Council found that the age
of first sexual experience is getting younger. By the end of the 20th
century, 25 per cent of teenage girls had experienced underage sex (younger
than 16). A 2006 BBC Radio 1 poll found that, of the 16 to 24-year-olds
surveyed, 30 per cent had lost their virginity before the age of consent
(16), 4 per cent before 14, while 4 per cent had not lost their virginity by
the age of 25. So your child may start thinking about having sex between the
ages of 14 and 16 and maybe even earlier.
How do I make my feelings about sexual behaviour known to my child?
Don’t hesitate to talk about your views in any situation, but in a
nonjudgmental way. You can talk about STDs and point out how casual sex is
leading to serious problems in teenagers. You can talk about how you feel
about your partner/ husband/wife, providing the understanding that having
sex and then children in a loving relationship is a natural progression
because it is safe, secure and you are in love.
Be honest, too. You don’t have to overdo the suggestion that she ought to wait
until she is in a serious relationship because you worry about the risk of
pregnancy, about the emotional impact and about the legal situation. One
“talk” will probably frighten her, or make her feel cornered, or as if the
law is being laid down, whereas a series of chats over several years will
cement your views naturally.
What level of sexual activity is appropriate at what age?
If you make it clear that the law must be followed you are on safer ground.
Kids begin to experiment with sex from a young age. Some precocious preteens
play spin the bottle or even experiment with light petting with a boyfriend
or in a group situation where everyone is “fooling around”. School-age
children may play sexual games with friends of their same sex, touching each
other’s genitals and/or mas-turbating together. Most sex play at this age
happens because of curiosity, or as part of a game. This type of
same-gen-der sexual behaviour is unrelated to a child’s sexual orientation.
Preadolescent boys and girls do not usually have much sexual experience, but
they often have many questions. They have usually heard about sexual
intercourse, petting, oral sex, homo-sexuality, rape and incest, and they
want to know more about all these things. The idea of actually having sexual
intercourse, however, is unpleasant to most preadolescent boys and girls.
Once kids have reached puberty they experience increased interest in romantic
and sexual relationships and in “real sex”. As they mature, they experience
strong emotional attachments to romantic partners and find it natural to
express their feelings within sexual relationships. There is no way to
predict how a particular teenager will act sexually, but most kids have
petted heavily by mid-adolescence, and many kids have had sexual intercourse
by the age of 16. The basic message is that there is no defined list of what
is appropriate at various ages. What is clear, however, is that too much too
soon is unhealthy to growing bodies and minds.
If I think my daughter is giving in to sex for the wrong reasons, how do I
approach her about this?
This is tricky as many girls will rebuff your interest because it is a private
matter, perhaps because she already secretly has concerns and doesn’t want
to air them just yet, or perhaps because she perceives your disapproval to
be an aspersion on her boyfriend. So go in lightly. Talk in general terms
about the intimacy and love involved with full sex and the importance of it
being mutual.
If you get nowhere and you are very concerned, you could just ask gently, in a
quiet, warm moment, whether she’s OK and whether she’s feeling a bit
pressured about the intensity of her relationship. You can’t make her talk,
but you can offer as much advice and guidance as she is prepared to take.
© Karen Sullivan, 2007. Extracted from You Want to Do What? (Collins,
£9.99). The book is available from Times BooksFirst for £8.99, p&p
free: Call 0870 1608080 or visit timesonline.co.uk/booksfirstbuy
