Whether you’re caring for parents full-time or doing your best to help them
while they’re living at home, you’re likely to feel guilty about them. Guilt
turns up in all our lives, all the time, and usually it’s an intermittent
reminder of small “crimes” against others, such as forgetting a birthday or
to return a phone call.
However, when it comes to concern for older or frail parents, guilt can be a
serious hazard. Giving up a fraction of your life, no matter how small, to
help those you love is fine. But feeling guilty for what you can’t do can
drag you down into counterproductive unhappiness and remorse. People feel
dogged with guilt about their ageing parents, whatever their decision. If
you decide not to care for them full-time, for a hundred good practical
reasons, you can feel dogged by guilt. Or if you do decide to care for them,
you can feel guilt about not giving the rest of your family attention.
And the trouble with guilt is that, once you’re carrying it with you, it has a
habit of seeping into the rest of your life and affecting everyone around
you. Often, without realising it, our guilty feelings can transmute into
anger or resentment, which wend their way into our daily behaviour.
Irritated, frustrated and irrational, we end up snapping at everyone. Guilt
can easily turn a pleasant person into a bad-tempered worrier.
Why does guilt arise? People perceive guilt almost like an emotional currency.
You may feel you “owe” your parents a great deal, that there’s a big
emotional “debt” for the time and love they gave you as you grew up. The
trouble is, emotional debt can’t easily be repaid like money. For a start,
there is no one standing there, demanding payment: parents who manipulate
their offspring into believing that they owe them are the exception, not the
norm.
Generally, our parents don’t push us into feeling guilty. We do it ourselves.
We overstretch ourselves, trying to meet our own, often considerable, needs
and our need to help our parents. And we believe, often mistakenly, that
we’re doing too little and not paying back enough. Add to that our family
history, where teenage battles and youthful misdemeanours may still haunt
us, and you create a potpourri of self-recrimination to deal with.
So what should you do about your guilty feelings, and can you channel them
into something more constructive? First, you need to be absolutely honest
with yourself. Ask yourself exactly why you want to help your parent. If
you’re trying to help a parent partly because you feel mired in guilt about
things that happened long ago, there’s a danger that you’ll feel even more
resentful and angry as you devote time to them, and you won’t cope well. But
if you face those feelings head-on, you can start letting go of them. You’ll
see more clearly how they’re holding you back. In turn, this will help you
to focus more clearly on doing whatever you can do for your parents.
Then ask yourself what it is in your capability to do, and how much you can
cope with. There’s a balance to be achieved between your needs and the needs
of your parent.
Once you have a particular idea in mind to manage the situation better, you
need to work out what is needed on a practical level to support that plan.
If it involves other family members or your partner, talk to them and be
honest about what you expect from them.
It’s no use saying to your children: “You really ought to go and see Grandma”
and then getting angry because they think it’s mainly your problem. Tell
them that Grandma might welcome their visit and how you’d welcome their
support – and why.
But if they’re not going to be supportive, do not be sidetracked by guilt’s
best buddy, resentment. What others can’t or won’t do isn’t the issue.
Conserve your energy for the real issue, which is helping your parents.
And remember to look after yourself. There are various strategies that can
help you to cope with demands of attending to the welfare of a parent. One
of the most important is to take things day by day, step by step. If you
scare yourself by imagining all the worst-case scenarios that might happen
you will become overwhelmed with concern or worry. When you’re concerned
about the health or wellbeing of an elderly person, a lot of energy can be
wasted on things that never happen.
It’s also important to stop trying to make everything perfect. You might be
trying to create order, for instance, in your parents’ home, as a way of
feeling in control of the situation. But you’d be better off accepting that
this is a less than perfect situation in a less than perfect world. Caring
for someone is often a case of getting on with it, and making use of what
help is available. Accept that you can do only what you can. But as well as
your local authority, don’t forget to draw on professional sources of
support wherever you can (see box, facing page). We won’t always get it
right, but neither did our parents. What counts, even if you live some
distance from them, is knowing that you did whatever you could, and that
they know this, too.
© Jacky Hyams 2007. Extracted from Time to Help Your Parents – A
Practical Guide to Recognising Problems and Providing Support, to be
published by Piatkus Books on Thursday, £8.99. It is available from Times
BooksFirst at £8.54, free p&p. Call 0870 1608080 or log on to timesonline.co.uk/booksfirstbuy
Finding a home from home How do you address the difficult subject that it
may be time that your parents stopped living where they are, that they move
to another home, or perhaps into residential care? Here are some practical
tips.
HAVE THE CONVERSATION FACE-TO-FACE
It’s always better to avoid the phone for a tricky subject like this. Choose a
good time: perhaps over an afternoon cup of tea when things are quite
relaxed. Think beforehand about how you’d like to be approached on the
topic. Try not to beat around the bush.
PREPARE IN ADVANCE
Make sure you’ve done your homework, which may include discussing options with
siblings. Have some factual information with you, such as photographs. Make
sure you listen to what your parents have got to say.
DON’T BE NEGATIVE
Rather than saying: “What will Dad do if you get really sick, Mum?” point out
what they might stand to gain from an environment where more help is at
hand. Don’t anticipate the outcome, or think that you’ll get an instant
result. It may take some time for your parents to think about things. You
may have to return to the conversation at another time.
CHOOSING A CARE HOME
No matter how good the facilities, the quality of the care given should always
be a big consideration. In some cases, a smaller home with a friendly, more
“family” feel could be more suitable than the more clinical, hotel-like
atmosphere of a bigger, more expensive home, with many facilities. All UK
care homes are inspected regularly by the Commission for Social Care
Inspection. The Registered Nursing Home Association (rnha.co.uk)
provides information on nursing homes only, with lists in each area, and the
Elderly Accommodation Counsel runs a helpful website, HousingCare.org.
THE CHECKLIST
Look at a number of different homes. When you see one that looks suitable,
discuss it with your parents, and even suggest an outing to look it over.
Always phone first to make an appointment. Explain that you want to meet staff
and to inspect the rooms and facilities.
Check the location: is it quiet or near a noisy main road? Are there amenities
close by, such as public transport, a park, shops, cafés? (These can turn
visits into easy-access outings.)
Check the general atmosphere. Do residents seem happy and cheerful?
Check what the fees include. Are there many extras? Are fees increased
annually? Are they affordable for the future?
Are there enough staff on duty and how qualified are they? Do they seem
friendly and engaged with the residents?
Is the home clean and well cared for? Is there a garden? Is there special
equipment, such as bath aids or hoists if needed? Are the rooms comfortable
with pleasant views and en suite bathrooms? Can relatives bring their own
possessions and some furniture, eg, an armchair and TV?
Is the food good? Is there a choice of daily menus? Can they cater for special
diets? Ask to see a sample menu and check out the dining room at mealtimes.
If staff are clearly encouraging or helping residents to eat, that’s a good
sign.
Are there set times for getting up or going to bed? Can residents stay in
their rooms as and when they wish?
Is there a room for visitors to stay overnight?
Warning signs
As the years go by, you will see some (sometimes annoying) changes that are
the inevitable result of ageing and increasing forgetfulness: a parent’s
unfailing ability to lose their glasses or shopping list, for example.
But there are small yet significant signs which indicate that a parent might
need more help or even medical attention.
Often these happen suddenly. Wanting to believe their repeated assurances that
everything is fine is perfectly natural, but sometimes you must look beyond
the assurances to other evidence that cannot be ignored.
What to look out for: Telltale indications in phone conversations that
a parent is becoming increasingly forgetful or less mentally alert.
Neglect of personal appearance, especially in someone who has always
previously been scrupulous.
A home that is not being looked after, especially a once spotless one.
Obvious confusion with money. If you are repeatedly being told that money is
going missing or being stolen, don’t take it as gospel.
Behaviour that is out of character, and that goes on for some time. For
example, a lively person becoming withdrawn when you see them.
Conversations in which they tell you that they got lost driving or while out
walking.
A dramatic loss of weight since the last time you saw them; look out for
clothes that suddenly look far too big.
Lots of out-of-date, mouldy or unused food in the kitchen. It could be a sign
that they’re forgetting to eat.
Out-of-date medicines, or repeat prescriptions, lying around the house.
A change in social habits. For example, a marked reluctance to go out, or
making frequent excuses not to see people they used to enjoy visiting.
Letting unknown people, such as door-to-door salespeople, into the house, when
they’d previously been diligent about security.
Strange smells, such as urine. Incontinence problems can be difficult to own
up to.
Any mention of a fall.
Signs of depression can sometimes be a symptom of dementia. Poor appetite and
sleeping problems are sometimes indicators of depression or early dementia.
