Q When I lost my virginity, I came too fast and the girl, who was quite experienced, made me feel inadequate. Is there a way to make me last longer?

DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD

A You were fortunate to have an experienced partner for your first sexual encounter, but unlucky that she didn’t use her expertise to put you at ease.

A younger medical colleague of mine was still a virgin at 23 when he met a rather more experienced woman to whom he lost his virginity. Some 20 years after their relationship had petered out, he met her again at a medical conference. He made a point of thanking her profusely for her understanding, patient attitude to his tentative and anxious approach to sex. He had remembered every second of the seduction scene in detail, even that she behaved like a kindly games mistress.

The parson in the Norwich district in which I once had a practice was heavily involved in the diocese’s youth programme. He told me that it had been his experience that someone’s approach to the opposite sex and marriage – and also their attitude to society in general – was greatly influenced by the success or failure of their first serious affair.

Like driving a car, playing tennis or riding a bicycle, making love requires some experience. But more important than anything is a good rapport and a sexual spark with the other person.

Although anxiety, especially when associated with too much introspection and self-examination, is always considered the principle cause of premature ejaculation, this is not always so. Bill Hendry, the distinguished former urologist at Bart’s Hospital, has written in the standard text book on erectile dysfunction that research has now indicated that there is an increased sensitivity in the penile skin of premature ejaculators.

This is an important finding for many young people with premature ejaculation as, if they think their trouble is entirely the result of anxiety and a sense of inferiority implanted by a tactless partner, any twitchiness they have acquired will become progressively greater, and the premature ejaculation more deeply ingrained.

Penile skin sensitivity decreases with age and this is one reason why older men are able to control the time of ejaculation better than young studs, and thus acquire a reputation for being good lovers.

Fortunately, there are 34 different drugs, including alcohol, that are known to affect ejaculation in one way or another. It is important to choose one that will not also cause excessive sleepiness or such tranquillity that it not only delays ejaculation but suppresses sexual interest. It was a great advance when it was discovered that one of the side-effects of several new antidepressants was that, when given before sex in small doses, far smaller than would be used to treat depression, they delayed ejaculation.

Although these artificial means of slowing ejaculation can be helpful, other lifestyle steps are important. Simple measures should be tried first. If you possibly can, have sex more often, for a period of abstinence decreases the time to ejaculation. Use plenty of lubricant so that there is no problem in achieving easy penetration. Lie still and pause after penetration before starting the thrusting movements.

Even try taking your mind off sex for a moment or two during this pause, by thinking about cricket or football.

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic

SUZI GODSON

A Being told that you will grow out of something is enormously irritating; but you will grow out of this. All boys come too quickly the first time. How could they not? Having spent 90 per cent of their days and nights since puberty anticipating the prospect of real-life penetration, it’s inevitable that a boy will fluff the experience when the opportunity eventually presents itself.

Accustomed to his right hand, the overwhelming sensation of a soft-wet-living-breathing-breasted female is such a buttock-clenching, stomach-churning, orgasm-inducing experience that he shoots his load as soon as his todger gets past the post. It happens again the second time. And the third. But just when his equally inexperienced girlfriend is beginning to wonder what all the fuss was about sex, he starts to get it together. By about the tenth time they have sex he is on top of his game. Smug even. And then he dumps her.

Yup, it’s dog-eat-dog in the world of teenage sex. In pursuit of experience and proficiency boys and girls chew each other up and spit each other out with heartless rapidity. The mistake you made was starting your sexual career with someone who was farther down the track than you. Had the girl you first had sex with been a virgin too, you could have moved on with your dignity intact. Instead you fret alone in your room, crippled with self-doubt and dubious about your chances of finding another girlfriend.

My heart bleeds for you but, if it is any small consolation, you are not the first young man to feel this way. All over the world teenage boys suffer the same insecurities and they often have unreal expectations about how long they should be able to last. Numerous studies have indicated that, postpenetration, up to 75 per cent of men take just two minutes to ejaculate.

Widespread male insecurity about premature ejaculation has spawned a whole market of “delay” products, but someone of your age requires experience, not pharmaceutical assistance. Doctors are reporting a worrying trend of healthy teenage boys trying to get Viagra prescriptions by pretending to have problems getting an erection. Viagra is also being sold as a recreational drug in nightclubs to counter the side-effects of Ecstasy and cocaine. The long-term implications for boys who start messing with functioning hydraulics are unknown, but I would urge you not to waste your time or your money exploring pills and potions.

If you are desperate to be proactive, practising the “stop-start” masturbation technique might help you to increase your confidence. First you need to masturbate to a high level of excitement with a dry hand and when you feel you are approaching orgasm, stop masturbating. When the urge to come has completely subsided, begin masturbating again and repeat the process. The aim is to last for 15 minutes before you allow yourself to orgasm and if you practise consistently – three times a week for up to three months – you can learn to control your response. Having said that, you should know that most women orgasm from clitoral rather than vaginal stimulation and hours of thrusting is more likely to give a girl cystitis than to make her climax.

Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)

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