Q My boyfriend sucks my toes and fondles my feet; then watches for my reaction. There isn’t one; it does nothing for me sexually. Am I missing something?

DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD

A I suspect that your boyfriend has had several girlfriends and has discovered that a large percentage of women find the toes and feet a secondary erogenous zone; he’s found that when other women have had these stimulated they’ve had a sexual reaction.

Having previously obtained a satisfactory response from toe stimulation, he now tries foot and toe kissing as part of his standard repertoire. He should watch out. Those women who don’t enjoy having their feet sucked may well find the concept disgusting. They are apt to think “Just imagine where my feet have been!” and “Does he really expect me to kiss his cheesy-flavoured lips?”

The anthropologist Desmond Morris created a map of human erogenous zones and noted the strange paradox that, while nearly every area of skin on a woman is potentially erogenous, there are quite a number of women who are totally unaroused by having their lower legs stroked.

However, even as you discourage him from sucking your toes, count your blessings. At least your boyfriend is trying to please you, rather than himself, and is taking time to focus on your nongenital zones before he homes in on your primary erogenous areas.

Don’t discourage him, but rather redirect his efforts elsewhere where his attentions will please you more. Tell him what you would like him to do for you and, when he has honed the right techniques and found successful ways to arouse you, reward him with thanks and whatever sexual response is appropriate. Men like praise as they have rather fragile egos and this is never more apparent than when making love. Therefore, when redirecting your boyfriend’s efforts, make certain that you are not critical, dismissive or jocular about his toe-sucking activities, or any other dish on his sexual menu.

However, it is always possible that he has a foot fetish. Foot fetishism is not uncommon and is not confined to women although it is more often found in their make-up. Some years ago, the male lover of a member of the Royal Family’s predilection for toe-sucking was recorded in the South of France by long-lens photography. In fact, there is nothing bizarre or perverted about these photographs and perhaps the lovers’ activities showed imagination, if not tact or caution.

Foot fetishism used to be socially acceptable in China and to a lesser extent in other places in the Far East. Remnants of this practice are reflected when someone, usually a rich woman, has an obsessive interest in feet that is projected into making an absurdly large collection of shoes. But foot fetishism, short of foot-binding or other masochistic practices, is usually harmless. Even so, I have been consulted by men and women who have been turned off their lovemaking when they notice that their partner has to fondle shoes to become aroused.

The artist Meret Oppenheim exhibited bound shoes on a platter. What could be more sexually metaphoric than her carefully arranged shoes, other than another of her famous artworks, a fur-lined teacup? In the light of these sexual works by Oppenheim, how could your boyfriend have expected you to disapprove of a little foot fondling ?

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic

SUZI GODSON

A A couple of months ago, I popped out to the shops to get some milk. I can’t remember how I was dressed, but I do know that I was wearing a pair of black leather, low-heeled, Kenneth Cole winkle-pickers because a young man who was cycling past suddenly skidded to a halt and asked if he could take a picture of them. He told me that he was an artist and he needed pictures of feet for a photography exhibition. I suppose I was a little flattered so I said it was fine. He snapped away for a few minutes, thanked me and cycled away.

I didn’t think anything of it, but later when I recounted the incident to my husband, he laughed and told me that the guy probably had a foot fetish. It wasn’t a big deal. The chap did me no harm and I allowed him to take the pictures in the first place, but I did a feel a bit of an idiot. Had he announced that he was a foot fetishist before he had asked to photograph my feet, my response might have been different.

One doesn’t expect to encounter foot fetishists on the way to the shops. Nor do you expect unwittingly to date them. Whether he admits to a full-blown foot fetish or not, I think it is safe to say that fondling your feet is not an entirely thankless task for your boyfriend.

Sucking toes can indeed be a sensual experience, but it is unusual for a man to persist with a sexual technique that gives his partner little pleasure. It can be confusing to discover that a partner’s attraction to you lies overpoweringly in one particular aspect of your physiology rather than in the total package, but I’d urge you to try to keep this in perspective. Yes, on one level, his attention to your tootsies is more to do with his pleasure than it is to do with yours, but a boyfriend who has a foot fetish is not without his advantages and, well, there are worse crosses to bear. Tolerating a man who delights in giving pedicures and foot rubs is fairly low on the trauma scale but, having said that, there is the thorny issue of consent.

If your boyfriend had told you about his fetish you may or may not have reacted differently to his sexual attentions, but you would have been making an informed choice. As things stand, by not being honest with you he has, in effect, been using your feet as a tool for his own sexual arousal without your permission.

In the same way that the thought of a stranger using a photograph of my feet for something other than a photography exhibition leaves me feeling uneasy, understanding that your boyfriend’s interest in your feet is more specific than you had realised is unnerving.

So what do you do? Well, secrets are not healthy (according to a Dutch study published earlier this year, the mental burden of keeping a secret can make you physically unwell), so you should have it out with him and ask him directly whether he has a foot fetish or not.

If he admits that he has an unusually specific sexual interest in your feet, don’t make any rash decisions. Everyone has idiosyncrasies and if this man meets your needs in other ways, you’d be daft to penalise him for his harmless devotion to your feet. Besides, to possess such a sexual carrot may prove incredibly useful farther down the line: “Of course you can rub my feet sweetie, but finish the washing-up first.”

Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)

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