Q When we got married my wife was wild in bed. A year later and she seems to have lost her enthusiasm. How can we recapture the honeymoon spirit?

DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD

A This is a variant on one of the more common problems that affect married couples who have been together for seven, eight or more years and who find that although they are getting along splendidly, their love life lacks spark, novelty, vitality and energy. Your problem is different from many in that you have been married only a year, but you don’t tell us how long you have been sexual partners before marriage.

We will have to assume that you haven’t had a courtship that has bubbled along sexually at boiling point for the past five or six years and once married it went off the boil. We will assume that this lust has petered out so far as your wife is concerned. This, too, is a frequent occurrence that I often came across in medical practice. One of my tutors in marital and sexual relationships taught that all marriages could be divided into three types. The child-child marriage is one between two people who have slightly inadequate personalities but that by supporting each other can become a functional unit. The second variety is a parent-child union in which one is dependent one the other.

The third is a brother-sister relationship, two people who probably immediately take to each other as they have shared values, similar tastes in hobbies, friends, politics, education and social background. This may well describe your marriage. A problem with brother-sister marriages is that although they are often long lasting and happy, the lustful stage is shorter than in most marriages and sometimes only lasts for months. Either one or both partners may well be tempted to stray from the straight and narrow. However, the strength of their shared bonds often ensures that they remain united despite affairs.

However, another cause of the dwindling lust early in a marriage is because it wasn’t based on either overwhelming lust or deep friendship but on social or mercenary considerations. Your wife’s keenness to marry you may have been motivated by the thought that you were reasonably well off, had a good job and prospects and were of acceptable appearance.

Animal reactions rather than overpowering lust may have kept the sex going for a time but, with familiarity, it has lost its appeal. Possibly your sexual activities are now so routine that, for your wife, they offer only procreation, without excitement. It was Mark Twain who added a rider to the Latin proverb and quipped: “Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.” Consider the old allegory of pounds in a jar. If a married couple puts a pound in a jar every time they have sex during the first year of the marriage, and take one out each time they have sex thereafter, the jar will never be emptied.

Above all, don’t pressurise your partner. This problem may have arisen because she had different expectations of marriage from you but, unless you were wrong about her personality, she will still have all those admirable qualities that prompted you to marry her. Book the odd weekend break away from familiar surroundings and your usual, tired routine.

Vary your sexual menu, not only physically but also romantically. Don’t despise the hackneyed and trite when stepping up the romantic element; flowers, candlelit dinners, thoughtful little presents are all helpful.

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic

SUZI GODSON

A Dr Dietrich Klusmann, a German psychologist, interviewed 530 men and women last year about their relationships. He found that 60 per cent of 30-year-old women wanted sex “often” at the beginning of a relationship but, after four years in the relationship, this figure had fallen to less than 50 per cent; and after 20 years it had dropped to about 20 per cent. In contrast, the proportion of men wanting regular sex remained at between 60 and 80 per cent, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship.

Dr Klusmann’s interpretation of this was that by limiting sex, married women boost, or at least sustain, their husbands’ interest in it. As anyone who was desperate for a Wii last Christmas Eve will verify, rarity grossly enhances desirability; however, once something is in infinite supply its perceived value drops.

Unfortunately, although scientific interest in declining female libido abounds, it’s almost always concerned with proving what women already know, or providing pharmaceutical solutions to an umbrella condition known as “female sexual dysfunction” (FSD). Depending on who you ask, FSD is caused by a lack of testosterone, being on the Pill, circulatory disorders or psychiatric problems. But scientists have, as yet, failed to investigate more common triggers such as: “You haven’t stacked the dishwasher in two weeks”, and “By the way, I have a job too.” They may have more luck in finding a solution to female sexual disinterest once they do.

I suspect that a year of marriage has removed the rose-tinted spectacles that your wife wore to the altar. Overexposure can dull sexual appetite on its own, but throw in domestic dissatisfaction and you can explain the declining birthrate among working women. Petty rows and minor resentments are part of any relationship but the real reason so many women prefer Grey’s Anatomy to their husband’s is that they find it hard to leave their emotions outside the bedroom.

The fair sex are terribly sensitive. A woman who feels taken for granted in the kitchen or whose financial contribution is unappreciated will show her disdain by rolling over, tugging on the duvet and going straight to sleep. Having said that, women the world over will walk hot coals for a loved one if they feel cherished, and they will generally put on crotchless panties and a nurse’s outfit, too, if you ask nicely.

If only men realised how simple it all is. For women, sex and love are eternally linked but men see romance as a means to an end, marriage being the end. Once the big day is history, so are the love letters and the late-night chats. Flowers are only sent to say sorry and commitments are the things you do with other people, not the things you do with, and for, each other.

Dr Klusmann found that regardless of how long women have been in a relationship, 90 per cent said they wanted tenderness from their partner whereas only 25 per cent of men who had been in a relationship for ten years said they were still seeking tenderness from their other half. This emotional inequity is responsible for more marital dissatisfaction than any of us care to admit, but if you want to restore your wife’s enthusiasm for sex, on Dr Klusmann’s orders I’d strongly advise you to try a little tenderness.

Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)

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