Q I’m 70 and lonely after my wife died, as I haven’t found another
woman. As gay men seem now to be quite accepted, is it too late to become a
homosexual?
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
A I am sorry that you are still lonely after the death of your wife,
but it would be remarkable if you weren’t. Loneliness is an almost
inevitable initial response to the loss of someone with whom you have shared
much of your life. Because you will have become so well integrated into each
other’s ways and have developed a close understanding over the past 40 or so
years, it would be unrealistic to expect that you could replace her easily.
Finding a partner isn’t like buying a new car, or even undertaking the more
demanding task of buying a puppy to take the place of a dead dog. Meeting
the right partner is complex, beset with problems, and must depend to some
extent on chance meetings.
Your question shows that you have two different needs: you certainly need
companionship –and who wouldn’t after such a long marriage –and it seems
that you are also missing a well-established and readily available sex life.
I did wonder if, when you said you were lonely, you were using this term as
a euphemism for feeling randy. Perhaps you are upset because there is no one
about to satisfy your needs.
It is not unusual for a man to come out as a homosexual in middle age or
older, but it is unusual for them not to have been aware of these feelings
and to have had fantasies and dreams about making love with members of their
own sex, for most of their life.
My late mentor at the Royal London Hospital maintained that many bisexual men,
whose sexual inclinations veered more towards homosexuality than
heterosexuality, often coped well when they were younger by living an
outwardly entirely heterosexual life and suppressing their homosexual urges.
This satisfied the prejudices of family and society and made life easier for
the man. However, once libido and potency declined with age they were driven
by nature to the gender they found most alluring. If they wanted to be
potent, they had to admit to the homosexual side of their natures.
It is unusual to find people who suddenly, at the age of 70, decide rather
academically to change their sexual proclivities. Whether someone is
homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual is determined early in life. Whether
this is the result of nature or nurture is disputed but it does seem that
the nurture element in the equation is probably most important around the
ages of 4½ or 5; in your case, 65 years ago.
I have never believed that older men can suddenly discover a homosexual side
but I have had many patients who have told me that they always realised they
were bisexual and it was only after they had experimented with homosexuality
or lesbianism, and fallen in love, that they understood that their
proclivities veered towards the homosexual. Whatever determines sexuality,
the end result is not a matter of choice. Hence the absurdity of the aim of
those who in the past tried, in the language of the Forties, to “cure”
homosexuality.
Homosexuality is now generally accepted. If you feel the need to come out as a
homosexual, and you have the energy, time and drive at the age of 70 to find
a partner, you will open up a new chapter of your life. No one is likely to
object. But, for goodness sake, use a condom and choose your partners with
care.
Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in
a genitourinary clinic
SUZI GODSON
A Carpe diem. It’s never too late to try anything, sweetie. If you have
a beating heart, lung function and a credit card, you can dance naked in the
Himalayas with lesbian sheep farmers and bugger the begrudgers.
Being bi-curious is much more common than you might think. In 1993 a team at
the Harvard School of Public Health found that 8.7 per cent of the men they
questioned reported feeling some same-sex attraction but were not engaging
in homosexual behaviour. In the UK the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes
and Lifestyles in 2000 echoed those figures; 8.1 per cent of men that were
questioned had felt a sexual attraction towards the same sex at least once
in their lives but had never acted on it.
When you were growing up in the Forties and Fifties homosexuality was illegal,
so exploring that aspect of your sexuality would have been risky, to say the
least. Although the law prohibits discrimination against homosexuals, and
being gay has, as you say, become “quite accepted”, you probably shouldn’t
broadcast your change of direction to your friends and family as they may
feel it is insensitive to the memory of your wife. They may also worry about
your health. The spread of Aids has been contained in the UK by safe sex
campaigns and the development of antiretroviral drugs but everyone, male or
female, gay or straight, should use a condom when having sex. I’d also
recommend that you take things slowly and use lots of lubricant.
The fact that you are 70 will be no barrier to meeting a partner. Older men
are greatly in demand on the gay scene and there are several dating websites
such as Silver Daddies (www.silverdaddies.com
) and Nice Daddies (www.nicedaddies.com
), which are dedicated to the more mature gay male. If you can get past the
photos of naked men showing off their tackle to scroll through to the
entries you will almost certainly find a few like-minded individuals.
Polarbear, for example, is 85 and comes from Hastings. He looks sweet (kind
of Father Christmassy) and he says: “Age is relative; I don’t feel old and
enjoy communication with all ages. I am a romantic at heart, intimacy is
essential.” Bless him. Or you could try Swingthelamp. He is 71 and he comes
from Liverpool. Like you, he is “a novice looking for someone to show me the
way”.
Internet dating makes meeting men a lot easier but you should always exercise
caution when making contact. Never use your own e-mail address; don’t give
out personal information or money; always meet in a public place; tell a
friend where you are going; take a mobile phone; don’t go to your home or
his home; and don’t take a lift.
Though homosexuality is slightly more complicated in terms of social
acceptance, don’t be put off. Seize the day while you can because life is
too short. It whizzes by in the blink of an eye and we should all, each and
every one of us, be doing our damnedest to ensure that we have no regrets
when we blow out the candles on our 90th birthday cake. Or our 70th. Or our
40th. No one ever dies wishing they had done less with their life, but many
people do regret failing to chase their dreams, or explore their sexuality.
Good luck, sir.
Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and
The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)
