A family friend, call her Jessica, arrives at university each term with
suitcases full of precooked meals. She can’t survive without the cleaner her
parents pay to visit her student house twice a week, and she heads home
every time she gets a cold or runs out of clean underwear.
It all sounds wonderful. Not so for those who live with her. Her housemate
Rachel is still seething from the way she left their house last summer: “She
just packed up her room and left, happy to let us scrub the toilets and
kitchen, empty the fridge and turn off the electrics; all the things it
would just never occur to her we had to do. I love her, but I’d never live
with her again.”
Jessica’s ineptitude does not stop at domestics. If she is unhappy with an
essay grade, her mother calls the tutor demanding an explanation. This
summer her dad got her a job, which she left days later. She is incapable of
sticking to anything difficult, hates change and has no sense of
responsibility.
While she’s her own person, her parents must share some of the blame. My own
first month of university was a mess. I set my hall’s communal kitchen on
fire while attempting to deep-fry oven chips, ate countless takeaways and
Cup-a-Soups and regarded washing machines with suspicion. There was, though,
only so long I could survive in squalor and, without my mother around to
bail me out, I had no option but to learn. I swept the floor, swapped junk
food for groceries and confronted the washing machine, ultimately
embarrassed by how easy it turned out to be to use. My parents gave me the
space to bury myself in filth and dig my own way out. When a child leaves
for university, it can be an emotional time. It is a rite of passage not
just for the child but for the parents as well. While freshers deal for the
first time with fending for themselves, parents, who may have grown
dependent on their children, must come to terms with an empty nest. It’s
difficult for parents to let go but it’s crucial that they do because those
first weeks away are key to the development of their offspring’s
independence.
Parental overprotection can have negative consequences. On the one hand, it
can drive the child farther away: every demand or rule reaffirming a
stubborn desire in the child for total independence. On the other hand, it
can create a dangerous comfort zone of security – and, in extreme cases, the
“Peter Pan syndrome”. Though not universally recognised as a psychological
disorder, the Peter Pan syndrome refers to those incapable of growing up and
accepting adult responsibilities. Professor Humbelina Robles Ortega, of the
department of personality evaluation and psychological treatment at the
University of Granada, speaks of the damaging effect of overprotective
parents. The Peter Pan syndrome, she says, “usually affects dependent people
who have been overprotected by their families and haven’t developed the
necessary skills to confront life”. Today’s Peter Pans, she adds, “see the
adult world as problematic and glorify adolescence, which is why they want
to stay in that state of privilege”.
Whether they are exhibiting Peter Pan syndrome or not, more students are now
delaying leaving the nest. A survey by Lloyds TSB Student Banking in July
found that, in the past year, the number of students who live at home while
at university has risen from 22 per cent to 31 per cent, two fifths of this
group choosing to do so not for financial reasons but because living at home
gives them “an easy life”.
Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and
Psychotherapy, says: “Stay-at-home youngsters tend to remain adolescent with
damaged powers of personal decision-making. They may well believe that the
living is easy, but only because their parents continue to cook, wash up and
pay the bills. The catch is that young people are the ones being deprived of
survival skills.”
Parents must learn to let go
Overprotective parents can be damaging but it is also understandable that
parents find it difficult to relinquish the reins. Having invested years
nurturing their litter, suddenly everything begins to change. A few years
ago my folks were the parents of four teenagers. Now one child is married
with two kids and living abroad, another is to be married next month, one
(me) is at university and the youngest now a sixth-former.
It is a confusing time for them. Research from Zurich Insurance last year
revealed that 42 per cent of parents experience a considerable sense of loss
when their children leave home. When parents cling on, they are not just
protecting their children but also protecting themselves from a frightening
new period in their own lives. Parental anxiety about their children growing
up could be seen as a manifestation of their own Peter Pan-type syndrome, a
desire to stay young as parents, not grandparents.
So although parents must let go, kids must also learn not to run away so fast.
Going off to university is a time to learn independence but also one to
consider parents’ weaknesses, needs and insecurities. While not advocating
the kind of overprotective behaviour that Jessica’s parents demonstrate –
university is, after all, a time to start doing your own laundry – just
occasionally, I think it might be OK for kids to bring their dirty clothes
home. While it’s no fun washing a child’s underpants, for many parents
knowing that their child doesn’t need them to wash them any more is worse.
And while a young adult may begin to think he or she knows best, we all need
a hand now and again.
This summer I stupidly left my bedroom windows open one night at the end of
the holidays and was ravaged by mosquitoes. Worse still, the buzzing in my
ears continued throughout the next day: “Why did you leave the windows open?
Do they itch? Have you taken some antihistamine? Have you got some bite
cream?” Mothers can be more than a little irritating when they get going.
Still, I can’t pretend I wasn’t glad she was around when, writhing like a
child with worms, I went to bed that night to find the bite cream on my
bedside table.
When the kids have gone
PARENTS SHOULD . . .
Make the most of your new-found freedom.
Travel, learn to ski, write a novel. Use this opportunity to rediscover
your independence.
Send your kids off to university with homemade frozen meals if they
have access to a freezer and microwave. While university is the time to
start making your own food, everyone needs home cooking sometimes.
When you visit, arrive laden with useful gifts. A fresh pint of milk
may be unimaginative but these basics are student gold-dust.
Resist the temptation to redecorate as soon as your child has left
home. Halls of residence are temporary. Home is home.
Don’t phone incessantly, especially in the first few weeks.
When your child needs you they’ll call.
Don’t join a networking site to spy on the kids.
STUDENTS SHOULD . . .
Go home once in while for the weekend. Even if you aren’t desperate for
home comforts, it keeps everyone happy.
Inform parents of grades and achievements. They’ll want to know how
you’re getting on.
Do seek help if you are seriously unhappy. If you can’t approach your
parents look to the university for help. Visit student.counselling.co.uk
or your university’s homepage.
Don’t just call home when you need something. At the very
least, call for a chat a few days before you know you’ll be needing them,
that way they won’t feel so used.
Don’t let weeks pass without contacting your parents. Even if it is only a
brief text.
Don’t be surprised if your parents don’t miss you as
desperately as you imagined. They might be relishing having some space.
