Q Why do men get excited by thinking about watching their wife having sex with another woman? My husband has this fantasy and I’m a bit worried...

DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD

A It is always difficult to understand the psychological mechanism that drives other people’s sexual activities when they are totally different from those that power your own urges. Many may seem incomprehensible. There was a time when I would have thought that the majority of men watching their wives having sex with another woman would find it repellent rather than exciting. After a few years working in a genitourinary medical clinic and chatting to the patients about their sex lives I learnt that I was wrong. Your husband’s sexual inclinations and fantasies, although those of a minority, are far more common than most people realise.

The experiences of one patient typify that of many women who have talked to me about their husband’s or partner’s particular form of voyeurism that they fantasised about. This patient had had many boyfriends. She told me of her dread when getting to know a new boyfriend that he was about to declare that he was going to reveal his most intimate fantasy. Frequently the fantasy was like your husband’s.

He said that since meeting her he had been overcome by the fantasy of her making love to another woman while he watched. If my patient didn’t seem too horrified when it was first mentioned, she knew that he was going to tell her next how in this fantasy the other woman would say that she found aspects of his physique so irresistible that she insisted on him joining in. My patient told me that over the years she had become so bored by this revelation that she couldn’t help yawning as her mind wandered off to her laundry list and unpaid parking tickets. She had learnt that the only way to deal with it was to say firmly that he was entitled to this fantasy but it did nothing for her.

There are variations of this fantasy such as two men and one woman but, however the fantasy starts, there is always the possibility that it is intended as the prelude to group sex. Other variations on the standard fantasy specify the woman who is to be the third member of the threesome. Often it is someone who has been special to them in the past – possibly an old girlfriend, or in my patient’s experience on one occasion (Freud would have liked this), their mother. In this case the man, a distinguished sculptor, fantasised about watching his mother undress down to underwear, stockings and silk suspenders.

Voyeurism is defined as the habit of deriving their sexual excitement from the observation of other unsuspecting people when naked, often when involved in sexual activities. In everyday practice the description of voyeurism is used to describe any action in which sexual gratification is achieved from looking at the genitalia and sexual behaviour of others. This varies from an Edwardian rake who took his mistress to watch others making love to a peeping Tom creeping around suburban gardens while he peered through lit windows.

Satisfying your husband’s voyeuristic inclinations isn’t part of your marriage vows. If his ideas don’t turn you on quickly make this clear in an unemotional, kindly way. In all sexual activities the criterion of what is acceptable has to be that both partners enjoy it and that one partner is not manipulated into unwillingly having to gratify the other’s sexual appetites.

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic

SUZI GODSON

A Thanks to the psychotherapist Brett Kahr and an extensive YouGov survey of 19,000 people, we know more about human sexual fantasy than ever before. The results of Kahr’s research into sexual fantasy were published in his book Sex and the Psyche (Penguin) in February, and the following statistics, derived from his findings, will either be too much information or some comfort for you. According to Kahr, 58 per cent of British people fantasise about sex with a regular partner; 35 per cent of men, like your husband, fantasise about sex with two women; 19 per cent like to be watched; and 3 per cent fantasise about sex with animals. Kahr’s case studies are evidence that the most popular fantasies involve a limited and fairly predictable set of roles.

From double helpings (you and your sister, preferably an identical twin) to a full smorgasbord (seven or more), men and women tend to fantasise about multiple partners, swapping partners, being submissive or dominant with one or more partners, etc. That sounds like the content of your average porn movie, doesn’t it? Well, there is no doubt that pornography informs sexual fantasy to a greater extent now than it did in the past. Thanks to the internet, most men have unlimited access to live footage of pneumatic Barbies achieving earth-shattering orgasm through vaginal penetration, but exposure to pornography eventually desensitises its audience. Sex therapists frequently encounter people who have become so addicted to the graphic extremes of pornography that “normal” sexual activities fail to provide adequate stimulation to get them to orgasm. With so much extreme sex at our fingertips, the boundaries between fantasy and reality are more blurred. Seeing is believing and the more acceptable porn becomes the more women are encouraged to emulate that fraudulent unreality. From fake boobs to fake orgasms, many wind up “acting” the kind of sex that they think their partner wants without questioning what is in it for them.

Most sex therapists urge people to view fantasy as harmless because thinking isn’t doing. There is no doubt that the imagination is the safest place in which to transgress beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable or normal. However, and this is where your husband has screwed up, once a fantasy leaves the playing fields of the mind it acquires real-world significance. By sharing his fantasy without accurately gauging your reaction, he has put the cat among the pigeons and when the feathers settle, both of you are going to feel slightly uncomfortable.

As a way forward, might I suggest that you explore fantasy in a way that engages both of you but doesn’t trigger jealousy or possessiveness. Role play is a great way to act out fantasy sexual scenarios. You can do it at home, but it’s much more exhilarating if you take it outside. The possibilities are endless. He picks you up in a hotel lobby. You are wearing a trenchcoat, high heels and perfume. You open the front door on a Saturday morning dressed in a baby doll and heels, and the postman delivers. What about driving to the country and having sex in your wedding dress? That’s sexy. And romantic. According to Kahr, 37 per cent of people fantasise about romance. There’s hope for us all.

Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)

For more sex advice from Dr Thomas Stuttaford and Suzi Godson, visit timesonline.co.uk/love

E-mail your sexual dilemmas to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT

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