Porn is perfectly nomal for males & for females to enjoy alone or together. The problem with your relationship is it's not working and maybe it's time for both of you to move on. Porn ISN'T the reason for the breakdown of communication or lack of contact between yourselves. Do you try to make him feel sexy, do you initiate sex? Or do you expect him to initiate and for sex to be 10 mins of missionary if he's lucky. Maybe you need to have a look more closely at your role in this instead of just blaming him. It appears to me that your husbands wants more from your sex life and give the guy some credit at least he's not having an affair to get this.
Victoria, Essex, UK
"Although recent research has shown that women are more visually sexually aware than was previously supposed..." quotes Stuttaford. Was that before or after she had clapped eyeson the contentsof the guy's wallet? Sex for the sake of maintaining a relationship, as opposed to the donation of sperm except when SHE feels like it, is the last thing on every woman's mind. Porn is not the problem, it's a galloping certainty that SHE is.
Joseph White, Loughborough, UK
"He doesn't seem to fancy me and won't touch me."
I think that's more to the point... Porn is not always the cause.
Answers -
1. Move on and find someone new, stop trying to avoid the issue or blaming it on something unrelated.
or
2. Try talking to him, if you are still interested in continuing with the relationship. "Ask him what makes him excited nowadays? If his answer doesn't include something that can involve you... goto answer 1
Martin, Aberdeen, UK
Thank God for Suzi Godson. In this age of 'porn normalisation' it's a huge relief to realise the entire western world hasn't gone mad after all, and there are still those around prepared to denounce porn.
Yes, porn demeans women - even porn produced FOR women BY women (and there's a lot of it about! Especially in printed books, including those published under the 'romance' banner!)('Erotica' - they never like to call it porn, dears! - sells like hot cakes!) - but what is not being said here is that porn degrades and demeans MEN too, those who resort to it. No emotionally healthy person, male or female, either uses porn, or seeks to justify its existence.
Jane Scott, London, UK
Plenty of great advice has been given here so far, from men and women who obviously know how to keep things hot in a relationship. Yes, ask what your partner's kinkiest fantasies/fetishes are. Get inside each other's heads. Make sure they know you're not going to laugh, and be open to trying new things (within reason of course). Make a deal that you'll try one of his fantasies, if he'll try one of yours.
Remember, sex does not have to always be about flowers, doilies, and the missionary position. Sometimes it 's the kinky stuff that turns us on...and that goes for both men and women.
Try to each come up with a new fantasy every week, until you've got lots of things to keep it interesting in the bedroom (or wherever else your fantasy dictates). What kind of things do YOU want to try? No ideas? Try looking at some of that internet porn out there...you just may find something that turns you on!
Read Part 3 above
Jenni, Tokyo,
It is certainly true that the Internet opens like a door in your home onto a world of pornography. There really is loads of it
A lot of it has nothing to do with either female or male sexual pleasure. It is almost violent in the intensity of the pounding and most of the time no-one really seems to be enjoying themselves
I would guess the husband is suffering from a feeling that things are out of his control and this activity (addiction?) may be giving him a chance to take control of a part of his life. Also, there may be a thrill of excitement from the illicit.
Whilst pornography may well have an undesirable impact on what some boys expect from women, I shudder at the thought of a generation of girls growing up with the assumption that men they meet are going to meet the Male end of the bargain.
Maybe that is why the other thing the internet seems to be full of is adverts to "be a real man with the help of our spceial meds" and telling me I can "get my vi@gr_ now!
Bob, Reading,
Demeaning to women you say? I produce the stuff and pay the girls 150 and hour. Real demeaning to earn 30k a month
Glaze, Las Vegas , Nevada
G Lewis - You are very wrong! Pornography IS degrading to women; and you don't need to be that intelligent to understand that. Not to mention that pornography very often actually ends up stopping people from enjoying happy and sexually fulfilling lives - and in no way aids 'fantasysing' ... again, most mentally healthy people can do that without pornography.
Baxter - I was going to comment by I know it wouldn't get printed. On a more serious note: seeing a shrink might help with those obvioulsy deep-seated problems you seem to have with your own sexuality.
MJ, Lisbon,
Absolutely agree with you, Monica. And well said, Suzi. What the majority of the commentators here seem to be missing is the fact that it doesn't matter whether Porn is fantasy or not - the truth of the matter is that it DOES demean women. Porn is designed for men, not women, and the images/acts depicted are all catering for masculine fantasies (hence the emphasis upon anal sex etc. which obviously wouldn't be as much 'fun' for the woman). It is very sad that somehow these films/images have become seen as 'normal' at the cost of honest, loving, and respectful relationships. It is really quite shocking that the pervasive attitude is that wives and girlfriends should just 'get over it' and change their own attitudes or morals in order to get the attention of a selfish and disrespectful man.
Grace , Ely, UK
I definitely second G Lewis's comments about Suzi Godson. I see a lot of women claiming that porn addiction is rampant but I don't believe it.
When a man turns to porn it's normally because he wants something he's not getting from his partner. The three likely things are frequency, some kink and someone who doesn't gripe.
The first one simply indicates a desire level mismatch and is only a problem if they feel it's a problem.
The second could be a more serious problem, they need to talk it out and see how they feel about it.
The third is by far the most serious and could easily spell the end of the relationship.
Note that all of these causes are a *reaction* to the relationship being less than perfect and not a *cause* of anything. Blaming porn for relationship problems is like blaming a fever for making someone sick.
Loren, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA
Maybe there's a case for the guys who masturbate to web content because they have a higher sex drive than their wives? If my wifes libido was equivalent to mine I'd rather be in bed with her than in front of the computer!
NGW, PB, UK
Dr Stuttaford's advice to the wife whose husband prefers masturbating to porn is nonsense. You don't need a counsellor who won't know the answer either, you need the right technique. I am one of the millions just like that husband! The way to handle this is as follows:
Take your husband in your arms when you are in bed and tell him to shut his eyes and have the best sexual fantasy ever. And he must tell you about it in every detail. And he should masturbate while he's doing it. You must keep holding him.
He will probably be reluctant to tell you all the details at first, so you need to do this several times before he feels safe telling you everything. Eventually you will once more become a partner in his sexuality from which you have currently been excluded.
Baxter, London,
I had to reread Suzi Godson's contribution several times to beleive that she wasn't a spoof contributor, a sort of parody of a Fifties 'agony aunt'.
Even in these days when the Puritans seemed to be ressurecting themselves in the U.S., she seems to be out of touch with men, women, humanity and sexuality, period.
Pornography 'demeans women', 'you need to be tough'.
Give us a break, this is only just short of lying back and thinking of Queen Victoria.
If her husband has a 'porn addiction' it signals a lack of communication between both of them, one in which neither are having their basic needs met.
What is filthy and perverse to one person is normality to another, and one of the first obligations on either sex partner is to discover the 'kinks' of the other, and decide on whether these form an obstacle.
This is not gender based, neither sex has a greater claim to unusual fantasies, and within reason it should be understood that satisfying one's mate is part of the marriage vows.
G. Lewis, Appingedam, Netherlands
Porn is perfectly nomal for males & for females to enjoy alone or together. The problem with your relationship is it's not working and maybe it's time for both of you to move on. Porn ISN'T the reason for the breakdown of communication or lack of contact between yourselves. Do you try to make him feel sexy, do you initiate sex? Or do you expect him to initiate and for sex to be 10 mins of missionary if he's lucky. Maybe you need to have a look more closely at your role in this instead of just blaming him. It appears to me that your husbands wants more from your sex life and give the guy some credit at least he's not having an affair to get this.
Victoria, Essex, UK
"Although recent research has shown that women are more visually sexually aware than was previously supposed..." quotes Stuttaford. Was that before or after she had clapped eyeson the contentsof the guy's wallet? Sex for the sake of maintaining a relationship, as opposed to the donation of sperm except when SHE feels like it, is the last thing on every woman's mind. Porn is not the problem, it's a galloping certainty that SHE is.
Joseph White, Loughborough, UK
"He doesn't seem to fancy me and won't touch me."
I think that's more to the point... Porn is not always the cause.
Answers -
1. Move on and find someone new, stop trying to avoid the issue or blaming it on something unrelated.
or
2. Try talking to him, if you are still interested in continuing with the relationship. "Ask him what makes him excited nowadays? If his answer doesn't include something that can involve you... goto answer 1
Martin, Aberdeen, UK
Thank God for Suzi Godson. In this age of 'porn normalisation' it's a huge relief to realise the entire western world hasn't gone mad after all, and there are still those around prepared to denounce porn.
Yes, porn demeans women - even porn produced FOR women BY women (and there's a lot of it about! Especially in printed books, including those published under the 'romance' banner!)('Erotica' - they never like to call it porn, dears! - sells like hot cakes!) - but what is not being said here is that porn degrades and demeans MEN too, those who resort to it. No emotionally healthy person, male or female, either uses porn, or seeks to justify its existence.
Jane Scott, London, UK
Plenty of great advice has been given here so far, from men and women who obviously know how to keep things hot in a relationship. Yes, ask what your partner's kinkiest fantasies/fetishes are. Get inside each other's heads. Make sure they know you're not going to laugh, and be open to trying new things (within reason of course). Make a deal that you'll try one of his fantasies, if he'll try one of yours.
Remember, sex does not have to always be about flowers, doilies, and the missionary position. Sometimes it 's the kinky stuff that turns us on...and that goes for both men and women.
Try to each come up with a new fantasy every week, until you've got lots of things to keep it interesting in the bedroom (or wherever else your fantasy dictates). What kind of things do YOU want to try? No ideas? Try looking at some of that internet porn out there...you just may find something that turns you on!
Read Part 3 above
Jenni, Tokyo,
It is certainly true that the Internet opens like a door in your home onto a world of pornography. There really is loads of it
A lot of it has nothing to do with either female or male sexual pleasure. It is almost violent in the intensity of the pounding and most of the time no-one really seems to be enjoying themselves
I would guess the husband is suffering from a feeling that things are out of his control and this activity (addiction?) may be giving him a chance to take control of a part of his life. Also, there may be a thrill of excitement from the illicit.
Whilst pornography may well have an undesirable impact on what some boys expect from women, I shudder at the thought of a generation of girls growing up with the assumption that men they meet are going to meet the Male end of the bargain.
Maybe that is why the other thing the internet seems to be full of is adverts to "be a real man with the help of our spceial meds" and telling me I can "get my vi@gr_ now!
Bob, Reading,
Demeaning to women you say? I produce the stuff and pay the girls 150 and hour. Real demeaning to earn 30k a month
Glaze, Las Vegas , Nevada
G Lewis - You are very wrong! Pornography IS degrading to women; and you don't need to be that intelligent to understand that. Not to mention that pornography very often actually ends up stopping people from enjoying happy and sexually fulfilling lives - and in no way aids 'fantasysing' ... again, most mentally healthy people can do that without pornography.
Baxter - I was going to comment by I know it wouldn't get printed. On a more serious note: seeing a shrink might help with those obvioulsy deep-seated problems you seem to have with your own sexuality.
MJ, Lisbon,
Absolutely agree with you, Monica. And well said, Suzi. What the majority of the commentators here seem to be missing is the fact that it doesn't matter whether Porn is fantasy or not - the truth of the matter is that it DOES demean women. Porn is designed for men, not women, and the images/acts depicted are all catering for masculine fantasies (hence the emphasis upon anal sex etc. which obviously wouldn't be as much 'fun' for the woman). It is very sad that somehow these films/images have become seen as 'normal' at the cost of honest, loving, and respectful relationships. It is really quite shocking that the pervasive attitude is that wives and girlfriends should just 'get over it' and change their own attitudes or morals in order to get the attention of a selfish and disrespectful man.
Grace , Ely, UK
I definitely second G Lewis's comments about Suzi Godson. I see a lot of women claiming that porn addiction is rampant but I don't believe it.
When a man turns to porn it's normally because he wants something he's not getting from his partner. The three likely things are frequency, some kink and someone who doesn't gripe.
The first one simply indicates a desire level mismatch and is only a problem if they feel it's a problem.
The second could be a more serious problem, they need to talk it out and see how they feel about it.
The third is by far the most serious and could easily spell the end of the relationship.
Note that all of these causes are a *reaction* to the relationship being less than perfect and not a *cause* of anything. Blaming porn for relationship problems is like blaming a fever for making someone sick.
Loren, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA
Maybe there's a case for the guys who masturbate to web content because they have a higher sex drive than their wives? If my wifes libido was equivalent to mine I'd rather be in bed with her than in front of the computer!
NGW, PB, UK
Dr Stuttaford's advice to the wife whose husband prefers masturbating to porn is nonsense. You don't need a counsellor who won't know the answer either, you need the right technique. I am one of the millions just like that husband! The way to handle this is as follows:
Take your husband in your arms when you are in bed and tell him to shut his eyes and have the best sexual fantasy ever. And he must tell you about it in every detail. And he should masturbate while he's doing it. You must keep holding him.
He will probably be reluctant to tell you all the details at first, so you need to do this several times before he feels safe telling you everything. Eventually you will once more become a partner in his sexuality from which you have currently been excluded.
Baxter, London,
I had to reread Suzi Godson's contribution several times to beleive that she wasn't a spoof contributor, a sort of parody of a Fifties 'agony aunt'.
Even in these days when the Puritans seemed to be ressurecting themselves in the U.S., she seems to be out of touch with men, women, humanity and sexuality, period.
Pornography 'demeans women', 'you need to be tough'.
Give us a break, this is only just short of lying back and thinking of Queen Victoria.
If her husband has a 'porn addiction' it signals a lack of communication between both of them, one in which neither are having their basic needs met.
What is filthy and perverse to one person is normality to another, and one of the first obligations on either sex partner is to discover the 'kinks' of the other, and decide on whether these form an obstacle.
This is not gender based, neither sex has a greater claim to unusual fantasies, and within reason it should be understood that satisfying one's mate is part of the marriage vows.
G. Lewis, Appingedam, Netherlands
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