THE GOOD GRANNY

For 14 years, the cupboard under the stairs was the cat’s undisputed territory. The cupboard was so full that the door wouldn’t shut, and when family life became too much for her, she crept in and curled up on a moth-eaten cardigan on top of some cricket pads, in the farthest recess, spitting at anyone who dared disturb her. When she departed for feline paradise, the cupboard needed a good clean-out.

The clean-out went well, although the grown-up son of the house sat on the stairs for three hours, working his way through a box of Beanos, circa 1979, before agreeing to recycle them. His sister grabbed a pair of slightly rusty Edwardian ice skates and bore them off triumphantly. Their mother dusted off a pushchair for a neighbour awaiting the arrival of her first grandchild. And Dad, who had forgotten that he owned a set of golf clubs, decided to play a round once in a while.

The whole family was thrilled to discover a projector, screen and box of home movies, and held an impromptu film show. But the spirit of cooperation was too good to last, and the future use of the cupboard has become an issue. Hot water pipes run through the cupboard; that’s why the cat loved her cosy nest, and that’s why Mum thinks, with the addition of slatted shelves, it would make the perfect airing cupboard.

Dad’s vision is bookshelves. The house overflows with books, and he can’t bear to part with a single volume. He hasn’t read half of them, but intends to when he retires. The rest, he may want to read again some day.

The airing cupboard versus library argument rumbles on. Meanwhile, former occupants of the cupboard creep back. Buckets, mops, brooms and hot water bottles join the golf clubs. Christmas decorations and spare wine glasses are currently in use – but for 51 weeks of the year the cupboard under the stairs is their home.

Finally a compromise is agreed. Shelves go up, not for clean linen or for books, but for the clutter that all families accumulate.

And in a few years’ time, when the door won’t shut again, there will be another clean-out, and ambitious new projects will be discussed and shelved once more.

THE GOOD GRANNY’S ADVICE

PreChristmas is a great time to have a clean-out; you need all the extra space you can get. Carefully planned shelves and carefully placed hooks make maximum use of available space. Lock Christmas presents in the cupboard to hide them from prying eyes. If grown-up children are home for Christmas, insist gently that they take away their childhood junk.

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