Climbing the steps to his front door, Eros wondered whether he could stall for
time. But there was nothing here to distract him, just the usual drifts of
rubbish – a poor substitute for winter snow – and the holly wreath that he
had hung on the knocker on his way to church that morning.
Nikki was walking beside him, trusting him, holding his hand in hers. She was
neatly but prettily dressed, a small cross nestling in the dip at the base
of her neck, her hair tied back to reveal the almost entirely gold earrings
that he had presented her with after the service.
After she had put them on, she had kissed him hungrily, a hunger for him, not
the promised lunch, and his favourite thing about that hunger was that it
could never be sated, not without breaking every rule that both he and Nikki
stood for. He had once tried to explain the joy of dating Christian girls to
Apollo, his cousin, but Apollo had just snorted and turned back to his
internet porn. Apollo, he had often thought, lacked subtlety.
“Are you nervous?” he said to Nikki, as he paused, not entirely naturally, on
the threshold.
“Not really,” said Nikki. “Oh,” said Eros. “You sound disappointed.” “No! Not
at all. It’s just that, well, it’s not possible to have a realistic idea of
what they’re going to be like, but maybe, if you were just a bit nervous, it
might prepare you a bit more for . . .”
“Relax!” Nikki laughed, in an easy way that made Eros very, very nervous.
“I’ve met parents before. It’ll be fine. Parents love me.”
“Yes,” said Eros. Nikki didn’t know the truth about him or his family, who
were significantly more immortal than most. “I’m sure they, er, I mean,
normal parents certainly must. My family is a little, ah, unconventional,
shall we say, and they don’t always act quite in the same way as . . .”
“Just open the door,” said Nikki.
Dressed to thrill
But he didn’t need to. The door flew open seemingly of its own accord, and
there was Aphrodite, his mother. So many thoughts flew to his brain at once
that they all got stuck in the entrance and none of them could quite push
their way through.
“Come in quick, before anybody sees her,” said Aphrodite, and she grabbed him
by the wrist and pulled him through the door. “You know we’re not supposed
to have one of them in the house. And take that thing off.”
“What thing?” “The twigs.” Aphrodite pulled the holly wreath off the door and
threw it into the street.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs...” attempted Nikki.
“Yes, yes, of course it is. Call me Aphrodite.” By now Aphrodite had dragged
them through the hall and into the living room and pulled the door shut
behind her.
“What,” Eros just managed to say, “on earth are you wearing?”
“Do you like it?” Aphrodite did a little twirl. “Where’s the bottom half?”
“It’s Christmas!” said Aphrodite. “You’re the one who said it’s a special
occasion. I thought I’d dress up. It came from a remarkably clever little
catalogue. Mostly toys, for adults, you know, but there were a few outfits,
too.”
“One of the bulbs isn’t flashing,” said Eros. “Well, it was a bit cheap,” said
Aphrodite. “I can see that,” said Eros. Nikki was looking at Aphrodite in
the way that people always looked at Aphrodite and she hadn’t even noticed
that there were other people in the room.
“Nikki,” said Eros, “this is Hephaestus, my stepfather.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Nikki. She held out her hand, but as Hephaestus
shook it, she couldn’t help but lean back, to get away from his spectacular
ugliness and the waves of sulphur that wafted from his person.
“And this,” continued Eros, “is Ares, my father.” Visible relief from Nikki as
she took his seemingly normal, or at least normal-smelling, hand.
“And this is... Apollo, what are you doing here?”
“I heard that there was an opportunity to humiliate you in front of your
girlfriend. Enchanté.” Apollo kissed Nikki on both cheeks, and
to Eros’s irritation, Nikki blushed.
“This is a family Christmas dinner,” said Eros to Apollo. “You are not
welcome.”
“I am family,” said Apollo. “I’m your cousin, and I’m your mother’s lover. I
have just as much right to be here as anybody else.”
“Are you taking the piss?” said Hephaestus. “Oh, grow up,” said Apollo.
“Surely even you can’t be stupid enough to imagine that you’ve got her all
to yourself?”
Ares put a hand on Nikki’s arm. “I’m sorry,” he said, “this kind of thing
always happens when I’m around.”
“That’s OK,” said Nikki. “My sister is divorced.” Now she was beginning to
sound nervous. A bit late, thought Eros.
“Stop fighting in front of the guest,” said Aphrodite. “If you’re good, I’ll
give you each a seeing-to later.”
“Mum, kitchen, now,” said Eros.
“You want one, too?”
“Now!” The kitchen smelt reassuringly of roasting turkey, with only a slight
edge of its usual aroma of rot.
“You’re actually cooking?” said Eros.
“M&S. It’s all prepared, you just bung it in.”
“Look,” said Eros, “Nikki is a nice girl, I like her a lot, so please don’t
ruin this for me.”
“What are you talking about? What relationship of yours have I ever ruined?”
“What about Psyche?”
“I accepted Psyche!”
“Only after you sent her to the Underworld and back.”
“I would have thought you’d appreciate that. It’s very Jesus.”
“OK, no Jesus jokes today.” “What, we can’t be mean to him because it’s his
birthday?”
“Yes.” “Well, I Googled it. He wasn’t actually born today. So he has two
birthdays, which must make him a racehorse, or a queen. Which is it?”
“Just be nice to Nikki, please. And don’t send her to the Underworld.”
Back in the living room, Hephaestus had pushed back the sofa and armchairs and
erected the folding table that they used on the rare occasions when the
family dined together. In front of each plate was a cracker. Apollo had
already pulled his and was wearing his paper crown at a rakish angle. When
Eros and Aphrodite came back in, carrying the food, Nikki was sitting next
to Apollo and looking very uncomfortable. Eros didn’t even need to look
under the table to know what was going on. “Apollo, take your hand off
Nikki’s thigh.”
“I was just trying to make her feel at home!” “She doesn’t live in a
bordello.” “Poor thing,” said Aphrodite. Eros sat down on the other side of
Nikki, with Aphrodite opposite, between her husband and Ares. Aphrodite put
her mobile phone down on the table next to the turkey.
“Do you have to have that thing on?” said Hephaestus. “You know I hate it.”
“I’m on call,” said Aphrodite. “I get paid double time for public holidays,
and I’m so much more in demand at Christmas. It’s all that time people are
forced to spend with their families.”
“Are you a doctor?” said Nikki. “Mum’s more like... a counsellor,” said Eros.
“It does seem a shame, working at Christmas,” said Nikki.
“I have to work today as well,” said Ares. “No rest for the wicked. There was
that one time in the First World War when I managed to persuade them all to
take a break and kick a football around instead, just so that I could take
the day off, but aside from that, the bombs keep falling, the bullets keep
flying . . .”
“Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?” finished Apollo.
“Yeah, yeah, change the record.” “Shall we say Grace?” suggested Eros. The
Gods all looked at one another. “Why?” said Apollo. “It’s a nice thing to do
at Christmas,” said Eros.
“I could say Grace, if you like,” said Nikki.
Apollo shrugged. Ares shook his head, and Hephaestus turned to Aphrodite for a
ruling.
“Go on then, make it quick,” said Aphrodite. Nikki bowed her head and so did
Eros. Apollo winked at the others.
“Dear Lord,” began Nikki, “on this special day, which brings families and
friends together to mark your birth, we thank you, Father, for. . .”
Aphrodite’s phone began to ring.
“Oh, I’m sorry Nikki, I have to take this, it’s work,” she said. She picked up
the phone and answered it. “Hello sexy, do you want to know what I’m
wearing?”
“Probably better if she lies about that one,” observed Apollo.
“Mum,” said Eros, “don’t you think you’d be more comfortable taking that
outside?” Aphrodite shook her head and carried on her one-sided, one-handed
conversation.
“Mum,” said Eros, “that was a rhetorical question.” Aphrodite moaned
throatily, then held the mouthpiece away from her.
“Honestly, he’s nearly done,” she said. She brought the phone back to her
mouth and moaned a little more.
“I’ll carve,” said Hephaestus. As Hephaestus distributed the food, Aphrodite
finished her call, put the phone back down and drew her plate close to her,
inhaling deeply. “Aaah,” she said, “that smells good.” They all stared at
Nikki. Nikki looked at Eros.
“Why don’t you start, Nikki,” said Eros.
Season of peace and goodwill?
Nikki took a couple of bites of her turkey, then put her fork down. Nobody
else had started, they just sat watching her eat.
“Isn’t anybody else hungry?” said Nikki. “You’re the only one who’s going to
eat,” said Eros.
“Why?” Because we don’t eat, thought Eros. “We’re fasting?” “Is that because
you’re Greek Orthodox?” asked Nikki.
“Yes,” said Eros, “that’s it exactly.” Nikki slowly resumed eating.
“This is very good, Mrs, ah, Aphrodite,” she said. “I’ve never had rare turkey
before. And the Brussels sprouts are lovely and crunchy.”
“I don’t know why I bothered with those,” said Aphrodite, “I hate the smell.”
“I’m surprised you can smell them at all,” said Apollo, “over your husband.”
“Do you want to bring your face nearer to this fist?” said Hephaestus.
“Not really. It stinks of Zeus’s underpants.” “Right. That’s it!” Hephaestus
leapt up on to the table, sending the plates flying, and grabbed Apollo by
the shirt collar.
“Leave me a free hand to block my nose,” said Apollo.
Hephaestus’s first punch sent Apollo flying across the room where he landed in
an armchair. His paper crown stayed on.
“I really should go. . .” said Nikki. “Oh, ignore them,” said Aphrodite,
“they’re always like this.”
“Should I put some music on?” said Eros. There was a tape recorder in the
corner of the room, and when Eros pressed play, Hephaestus’s and Apollo’s
fight was accompanied by Shakin’ Stevens’s Merry Christmas
Everyone.
“I didn’t know we had a Christmas album,” said Eros.
“It came free with the Daily Mail,” said Aphrodite, ducking to
avoid a flying table lamp.
They heard a knock at the door. “I’ll get it,” said Ares. From the corridor,
they heard the sound of carol singers serenading Ares.
“Piss off,” said Ares. The singing stopped. “That’s it!” shouted Nikki.
“That’s enough!” Everybody froze.
Ares sauntered back into the room. “What’s going on?” he said.
“This is supposed to be Christmas! The season of peace and goodwill to
mankind!”
“I’ll start showing some peace and goodwill to mankind when they start showing
peace and goodwill to me,” said Aphrodite.
“Or each other,” said Ares. “What’s the matter with you? Can’t you even try to
behave with decency? You’re inhuman!”
“Thank you,” said Apollo. “I’m going home to my family,” said Nikki, “who at
least pretend to get on. And I never want to see any of you ever again.
Eros, you’d better find yourself another church to go to.”
“Of course,” said Eros, who was always having to find himself another church
to go to.
“And Happy Christmas, if you can manage it! You’ve already ruined mine.” Nikki
marched out. Then the front door slammed shut. Apollo, finally, broke the
silence. “Anybody want to see the Queen’s speech?”
© Marie Phillips 2007. Gods Behaving Badly (Crockatt &
Powell, £12.99) is available from Times BooksFirst for £11.69, p&p
free: 0870 1608080 or timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst
