Mum, have you or Dad ever taken drugs?

Jamie, 11

Those of us who have never smoked or ingested anything more mind-altering than an aspirin have no difficulty with this question and may look away now. For the sizeable minority still remaining, this question is dreaded. Instinct impels us not to reveal the truth: “I was stoned when I first met your father, otherwise I’d never have been remotely interested.” Evasion feels a little cowardly and, besides, our children just wouldn’t buy it, as in: “Well, dear, it depends on how you define drugs. Alcohol is a drug, and so is Calpol, so you could say we’ve both taken drugs.” Then there’s condemnation: “All drugs are bad. Our behaviour is beyond reproach and we expect yours to be, too,” which could drive your children in the opposite direction.

Most experts would point towards a mix of elements from the first two options. Yes, be honest, but guardedly so. If questions become too probing, some evasion isn’t a bad thing, and don’t be afraid to present yourself as a realistic example. “I did experiment as a young person but I learnt it was not for me.”

Experts agree that telling as much as you can bear without making either your or your child feel uncomfortable is the best policy. “Be honest but not preposterously so,” advises Professor Richard Hammersley, a health psychologist and addiction expert at Glasgow Caledonian University.

“Completely lying is a mistake. I think the question needs to be taken in context of substance use in general. Most people in the UK drink, a large number still smoke cigarettes and have tried cannabis. I don’t see why there shouldn’t be a reasonably open discussion about that. My children know I used to smoke cigarettes but I gave up because it’s bad for you.” How much you disclose is a highly personal decision, but it is also key in shaping your child’s values and being credible in their eyes. It’s one thing to say that you’ve tried them; what about admitting they can actually be enjoyable? “One of the big issues here is accuracy,” says the clinical psychologist and parenting expert Claire Halsey. “The draw of drugs is that initially they can make you feel good. If you just talk about the negative aspects, they’ll soon find out from their friends, so don’t try to hide that the initial feeling can be pleasant, but do talk about the downsides; how it can affect your mood and your health.” Be prepared for the question. As Hammersley says: “It’s not about answering one question but having an ongoing discussion; building slowly as they become ready to listen.”

if you would like answers to tricky questions, just e-mail body&soul@thetimes.co.uk

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