Q I’m a 35-year-old Muslim man whose arranged marriage ended quickly
(our families fell out). I’m still a virgin and haven’t met anyone else. Any
advice?
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
A A genitourinary medical clinic in an area of London with a large
Muslim population once saw so many patients with problems such as yours that
the diagnosis was described as the Bangladeshi syndrome. Such a term might
now be considered pejorative, but at the time it merely drew the attention
of other doctors to the sexual difficulties that some young men were having
with their sex lives.
Your letter says that your marriage wasn’t consummated. In an arranged
marriage, the woman may have a horror of penile insertion that leads to
vaginal dryness, pain and vaginismus – spasm of the muscles of the pelvis so
that the vagina is involuntarily but effectively clamped off.
The man may have to compete with two potentially overwhelming difficulties.
The most common is premature ejaculation so that he climaxes either as soon
as he penetrates his new and little-known wife or sometimes even before
penetration. Some bridegrooms, including a few who are not virgins, find
that they are impotent once confronted by a hopeful bride with great
expectations.
The symptoms of both husband and wife have the same origins. With premature
ejaculation, a man suffers orgasmic-type muscle contractions and so
ejaculates prematurely; similarly, a woman with vaginismus endures strong
involuntary contractions of the same pelvic muscles that are involved with
an orgasm at the first hint of penetration. Impotence and vaginal dryness
are also signs of a lack of sexual arousal.
Talk to your GP about sexual counselling when you remarry. Many causes of
marital disharmony are better treated by seeing partners separately.
However, joint consultations are helpful, sometimes essential, when dealing
with premature ejaculation or vaginismus. Similarly, there are benefits from
some joint meetings when focusing on impotence with psychological origins.
The counsellor you consult should not be someone who might disparage your
adherence to the Islamic code. Betrothal and marriage customs have varied
according to race and religion for thousands of years.
Strict Muslims follow a Mediterranean code that demands virginity for both
sexes before marriage. Christianity, because of its Judaic links with the
Middle East, also accepts the Mediterranean ethic.
As the Christian Church spread, its marriage customs replaced those of the
Nordic pattern in which marriage didn’t celebrate the start of sexual
congress but of breeding. Even before the marriage service, those who were
formally or informally betrothed were permitted considerable licence in or
out of bed.
In the Mediterranean cultures, the formal marriage ceremony was essential
before sexual intercourse could be sanctioned.
Within my own lifetime, “bundling” – the practice of lovers going to bed
together even if theoretically remaining chaste – was still practised in
some areas of Britain. Often young couples didn’t marry until the woman
became pregnant. This proved that theirs was a fertile relationship, a
factor of importance when considering future inheritance of land.
Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in
a genitourinary clinic
SUZI GODSON
A Finding a new partner can be difficult for any 35-year-old divorcé,
but since practising Muslims advocate arranged marriage, and do not believe
in dating, finding Mr or Mrs Right can be even more difficult.
In the past, parents expected to find their son or daughter a suitable partner
from back home in Bangladesh or Pakistan but, understandably, young Muslim
men and women who have been born in the UK are increasingly less interested
in an arranged marriage with those who have lived all their life in another
country. Second and third-generation British Muslims want partners who share
their beliefs, but who come from similar backgrounds and are equally
compatible in terms of education and interests.
Seven years ago, Adeem Younis founded Single Muslim (www.singlemuslim.com),
an online introduction agency, which has more than 100,000 registered users,
90 per cent of whom live in the UK. The site has been set up so that
guardians and parents can search for prospective partners, too, and a
guardian or wali is expected to attend any meeting to avoid
impropriety and pose difficult questions about expectations for the future.
To join the site, applicants fill in a detailed profile, with lots of
faith-based questions such as “Do you wear a hijab?” or “Do you have a
beard?”And a man who prays five times a day can specify, for instance, that
he wants a wife who prays as frequently.
Joining Single Muslim is simple. Membership costs £28 a month for men and is
free for women. According to Younis, the fact that you are a 35-year-old
virgin will make you a very good catch as, from an Islamic perspective, it
is a sign that you have stayed on the right path.
When I ask Younis if it is common for arranged marriages not to be consummated
immediately, he explains that if your bride is living in, say, Pakistan, and
you are working in London, you might have had only a week off to go back and
get married. You would then have had to return to London to sort out your
wife’s visa and, if the family relationship has broken down in that time,
you might never have had the opportunity to spend any time together. He
laughs when I then ask if couples wait until they get to know each other
before they have sex. “Nature tends to take over on the wedding night, but
what we say in arranged marriages is that you learn to love each other,” he
says.
With websites such as Single Muslim around to help, finding yourself a new
wife has probably never been easier, but keeping her remains as big a
challenge as ever. In the true interpretation of Islam, women have equal
rights, although different cultural interpretations have led to the
oppression of women in many areas. Muslim women in Britain are increasingly
aware of what they’re entitled to and are breaking away from the cultural
restrictions that might have been imposed on their parents.
As the Single Muslim website advises: “In Islam, although the husband takes
the lead in a marriage, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and
nourishes, and does so with humbleness and humility. The husband is expected
to consult his wife, especially in relation to family matters, and to
respect and value her opinion.” Good advice for any prospective husband, if
you ask me.
Suzi Godson is author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and
The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)
timesonline.co.uk/love
E-mail your sexual dilemmas to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul,
The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT
Dougie Prescott, given the problem of teenage pregnancies, children put up for adoption because mother is too young, STDs, I am surprised that you are advocating teenage sex. You cannot ban teenagers from having sex but surely you can better educate them.
AK, London,
Well, Munir, isn't that a rather sweeping generalisation? I saw no hint at all in either article that either author "despises" Islam. Their advice came across as both informed and respectful. It also seems unlikely that either of them, given their backgrounds, would be "clueless" in these matters
Martin, Newmarket, Suffolk
Don't feel victimised, Munir ..... many of us despise all religions and those that follow them - not just yours, you aren't in any way special in that respect.
If the person with the original problem had gone through the normal teenage rituals of dating and sexual experimentation, they wouldn't be having these problems in their mid 30's.
Dougie Prescott, Aberavon, Wales
This isn't an exclusively Muslim problem. There also single Christians out there who are waiting for a marriage that may never come! Those others in this position have my utmost respect, it is not an easy thing to ask of yourself in this culture.
Anna, Plymouth, UK
Munir, Joanna is right in that your ignorance is doing nothing for this article. As a Muslim myself, I would say to the writer to simply talk it through with his wife either once the engagement is definite or once they're married. There's no point leaving her hoping for fireworks and all the rest of it if when it comes down to it, he doesn't have a clue. Besides which, sexual relationships only get better with 1) experience and 2) actually getting to know your partner. Being with someone who you can share your fantasies/likes/dislikes with is what will make a successful sexual relationship for anyone in this situation.
Maybe I think differently because i'm of a younger generation and actually have a brain as opposed to your ridiculous statement about the respondants not having any idea because they're not Muslim! Wake up! Both women and men have the right to sexual enjoyment in Islam!
SK, London,
Munir, Perhaps neither of the columnists is totally au fait with the ins and outs of Muslim sexual relations in and out of marriage, but you comment provides nothing constructive to the author of the letter and insults all those who are not Muslims with your gross generalisation. Perhaps it could be suggested that the Muslim community is not necessarily providing any answers to this question hence the seeking of other possible sources of advice. I would concur with Clare's comment and add that one cannot worry about something so much that it blurs the exciting side of having the chance to meet lots of interesting people, one of whom may be the right one.
Joanna, London, UK
as a Muslim I would say to you, you are insane to seek advise from people who despise us and no nothing about our religion
Their utter cluelessness comes through from their answers.
Munir Ahmed, London, UK,
This is over analysis. The modern world once again making problems where they do not exist and involving unnecessary third parties.
When the time comes - as long as you are both caring and kind with each other it will be fine. Don't expect it to be instantly perfect, everything takes time. End of.
clare, Sheffield, england