Laurel Herman’s 28-year marriage ended abruptly when, during a family holiday
with friends in France, her husband Ian announced that he was leaving her to
“find himself”.
“My world blew apart. I was 48 and he was the only man I’d known. I had a very
traditional marriage – everything revolved around making things all right
for him, and around life as a couple.”
Her husband, a businessman, flew home and moved into a hotel and that was the
end of the marriage. “But it was the beginning of a very painful time for
me,” Herman recalls. “I didn’t know anything about running my life. I hadn’t
paid household bills; I didn’t understand insurance, or what I needed to do
if I wanted to mortgage the house. I had never asked about my husband’s
financial affairs and it was a big shock to find out there were difficulties
that needed addressing. I didn’t know a lawyer to go to for advice on
sorting out the end of the marriage. And I wanted guidance on how best to
help my children – Emil, 19, Raphael, 23, and Gabriel, 24 – cope.”
Confronting the practical issues was one thing; then there was the emotional
hill to climb for a woman who was a virgin when she married and who had no
close friends or confidantes. Even though Herman was a striking woman,
impeccably stylish and running a successful business, she says: “My
confidence went down the tubes. I felt worthless.”
Social activities but “no meat-market stuff”
Ironically, her business, Positive Presence, involved helping people to
project confidence and improve their images – Herman would help her clients
to choose the right wardrobe and make-up. Positive Presence, with its
data-base of 3,000 professionals, ranging from builders to life coaches,
hand-picked by Herman, contained the seeds of her salvation. She decided to
set up Positive Transition, a service for people going through difficult
circumstances, which launches this month.
Positive Transition is the organisation Herman wishes she could have turned to
when her marriage fell apart: a one-stop shop that introduces clients to
helpful professionals – the lawyers, accountants, counsellors, image
consultant and career coaches that it has on its books.
Most of her clients will be recently divorced, Herman believes, but
bereavement, empty-nest syndrome, midlife crises, redundancy, retirement,
returning to work are also in the remit.
She anticipates that the majority of her clients will be women, but it will
cater for men, too. “We can offer something to those men who tell nobody how
they feel, while they are falling apart inside.”
Positive Transition aims to provide whichever service or services the client
needs. There are also discreet social activities such as dinner parties and
outings but “Absolutely not meat-market stuff”, Herman says firmly. Most
importantly, she adds, is that clients have a single contact person who
befriends and mentors them.
“I had no idea how to sort out my life”
Gil, 32, initiated divorce because of her husband’s infidelity, but his
behaviour left her feeling “totally valueless” and scared about the future.
“I had given up my career and devoted myself to being a wife. I had no idea
where or how to get on my feet and sort out my life.”
Herman was recommended, even though Positive Transition had not yet been
formally launched. “Laurel found me a good solicitor and helped me to work
out what I would want from the consultation,” says Gil. “That included
looking at my needs as well as how my young children might be feeling. She
found me a psychologist for this. She also worked on getting my confidence
and belief in myself rebuilt.”
To begin with this meant a wardrobe audit. “Laurel took me on shopping trips
and helped me see how to change my make-up. She complimented me on it when I
looked good. I hadn’t been told anything positive about myself for so long
it felt wonderful. But she helped me to face the stages I would go through
emotionally as part of accepting the end of my marriage.”
Herman also showed Gil how her domestic and linguistic skills could be
transferred to the workplace, and she introduced her to business contacts.
“Comforting and very reassuring” is how Gil describes Positive Transition.
“Knowing that I could pick up the phone and speak about things I wouldn’t
have told anyone else, to someone I trusted and whose wisdom I respected,
was immensely important.”
For people who have been in long-term relationships, there may be all kinds of
fears about trusting anyone again, and about their sexuality. Herman
recalls: “I had no idea how to behave on a date as a mature woman.” So
Positive Transition has intimacy counsellors experienced in working on these
issues, steering clients through the minefield of modern dating.
Sarah, 55, found the service particularly helpful after her husband went off
with a younger woman, leaving her feeling too old to be desirable. At first,
Herman says, she dealt with this and her other fears of a future without the
security of marriage by going into denial, convincing herself that she just
needed to keep going until her husband “saw sense” and came back.
“I helped her to become resolute and to understand that this wouldn’t happen,
then she moved on to exploring feelings about her sexuality,” Herman says.
Once this had happened, Sarah began to think constructively about building a
new life. With help from Positive Transition’s relocation expert, Sarah
moved house and became a bridge teacher. She is an active member of a local
wine appreciation society and on the board of a charity. She has learnt to
use the internet, and she was also encouraged to reconnect with a couple of
old school friends.
It comes with a hefty price tag
This service does not come cheap. The first consultation, which costs £295 an
hour, doesn't tie a client in, and is an opportunity for them to ask any
questions, and check out the credentials of the team of professionals on
offer. If happy, they can then sign up for a course of 20 hours’
face-to-face, telephone or e-mail contact with a Personal Transition
consultant, costing from £5,750. Professional experts, such as lawyers and
accountants, charge separately at the same fee as they would charge in the
marketplace, and according to the size of the job. Herman takes no
commission.
The fee is high, she insists, because it is a bespoke service that includes a
good deal of time spent on organisation and support in addition to the 20
hours of contact with the client. Many women will use part of their divorce
settlement to pay the bill. However, Herman also hopes to get companies
interested in buying packages for employees because “people in crisis do not
work well, so it would be humane and good business sense to offer them
help”.
So will this work? Only time will tell. And what does Herman expect is an
ideal outcome for Positive Transition clients? “I think it is what I have
now. Knowing that I can cope with life on my own, taking pleasure in it and
feeling contented. I might like someone to share with, but it’s not the
thing that will make or break how much I can value myself or the life I
lead.”
Positive Transition is based in London and the South East but can offer
consultations nationwide. For details, call 020-7586 7925
Who else can help?
CALL IT
The Divorce Recovery Workshop This nationwide charity and self-help
group is run by volunteers. The six-week workshop is aimed at building
friendships and supporting those going through divorce. There are no experts
but all those involved have personal experience of a relationship break-up
and are keen to help and support one another. Courses cost from £30, with
sponsorship available. Visit drw.org.uk;
call 07000 781889
SURF IT
InsideDivorce.com This
comprehensive website is packed with information and guidance for people
considering or going through separation or divorce. Especially good is its
legal forum, where expert divorce lawyers answer those tricky questions. It
also has a nationwide directory of contacts, from counsellors to style
experts. It also has an area for chatting with people in the same situation,
full of people offering emotional and practical help.
READ IT
Which? Essential Guide to Divorce and Splitting Up (£7.14 from amazon.co.uk)
This comprehensive step-by-step guide looks at every aspect of a break-up.
It covers married and unmarried couples and civil partnerships and has great
sections on mediation and talking to children, as well as advice on property
and financial implications.
