How dramatic are the claims? There is a clear and inverse relationship between the efficacy of any treatment and the hysteria of the language used to describe it. Words such as “miracle”, “amazing”, “powerful” and “breakthrough” simply do not feature in the lexicon of genuine pharmacology. Don’t be fooled, either, by absurd claims about onset of action – such as a wrinkle-reducing cream that “works within minutes”. Nor should you be impressed by claims of “no gimmicks and no nonsense”. This is, of course, gimmicky nonsense.

Does the treatment seem to cure everything? Bona fide therapy is usually aimed at narrow areas and produces specific responses: Viagra for erectile dysfunction, say, or HRT for menopausal flushes and sweats. So view with suspicion anything that promises an astonishing range of effects, such as a spray-on treatment for impotence that also boosts libido, improves sexual stamina and cures premature ejaculation. Oh, and “works” if sprayed on women, apparently.

Are there any side-effects? No? None? Or, more likely, “completely side-effect-free-guaranteed”? This should ring alarm bells: there’s only one reason why a supposedly pharmacologically active substance could have no side-effects. Which is that it has no effects at all.

What’s the evidence? Most alleged “breakthrough treatments” will be backed up only by anecdote or hyperbole. Many will claim to be “clinically proven”, yet detailed study of the advert will reveal a lack of scientifically valid evidence. A tiny minority will try to impress you with the odd reference, but bear in mind that a small study published 20 years ago in the Tasmanian Annals of Pseudoscience does not carry the same weight as a recent randomised controlled trial in the British Medical Journal .

Is the treatment backed by a doctor? Panacea purveyors like to add credibility to their wares with an endorsement from someone presented as a medical professional. Look closer and you may discover that genuine qualifications are notable by their absence. Besides, even if the smiling, stethoscoped individual is the real Dr McCoy, would you trust a medic prepared to appear in an advertisement?

How much is pseudoscience? This varies from platitudinous nonsense – such as a treatment described as a “natural circulation enhancer” –through to the baffling, like a chronic fatigue therapy that “helps restore cellular balance while optimising metabolic efficiency factors”. Impressive neologisms are rife too, such as “nutraceuticals”. Most prevalent is “detoxification”, as in detox diet, programme, foot pads . . . Your liver, kidney and colon are the real doyens of detox. But the lure of detox miracles can be too attractive for many of us to resist.

Is there a guarantee? The only guarantee a doctor will give you is that a prescribed treatment might not work – genuine professionals acknowledge that different patients vary in their responses to medication, and that treatment is sometimes trial and error. These rules do not apply in the world of the rip-off remedy. Hence the “unconditional 100 per cent risk-free trial”, and the guarantee of success – or of reimbursement if disappointed. Such promises are probably as reliable as the rubbish you’re thinking of buying.

Is it described as “natural”? The con within a con is to describe any miracle treatment as “natural”, as though this confers on it some earthy, mystical goodness, at the same time reinforcing the stereotype of drugs “pumped into the body by doctors” as unnatural and toxic. But earthquakes, lightning strikes and shark attacks are “natural”, too. Similarly, substances marketed as “natural” cures can cause harm, such as a traditional Chinese tea for eczema. It can help, but it can also cause liver damage.

Is the treatment supported by testimonials? Snake-oil salesmen know the value of the human angle. A favourable analysis of an erectile dysfunction treatment reported in the New England Journal of Medicine is as nothing compared to a happy male face stating: “Thanks to your product, I got the biggest erection of my life.” No wonder he’s smiling. In terms of scientific weight, testimonials are on a par with a friend telling you over lunch that a colonic washout worked for her. Less so, in fact, because monster-erection man may be a friend of the junk-medicine salesman – or there may be a financial connection.

How many exclamation marks are there? If you can’t be bothered to analyse the ad using the above nine questions, a convenient shortcut is to count the number of exclamation marks. Multiple marks and underlined words or phrases – often in italics or capital letters – count double. Pharmacological fraudsters believe their exclamations and emphases will overcome the obvious deficiencies of their product. But they’re wrong!!!!

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