Are we making ourselves miserable by valuing romance too highly? We all
recognise the scenario: the work colleague who on Valentine’s Day not only
gets a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to her desk but also a bunch of
helium heartshaped balloons and a box of chocolates. Tongues wag, eyebrows
are raised, and conversation inevitably turns to what everyone else has
planned for the evening ahead in an effort to check out whether their own
partner comes up to scratch.
With each February 14, it seems that the competition gets fiercer; the bar for
having a “romantic” day is raised higher and the fallout of not reaching the
grade becomes greater. Not only does nobody seem to be winning the
Valentine’s stakes but my fear, after 20-plus years as a marital therapist,
is that Valentine’s Day has turned from a bit of harmless fun into something
that has the potential to make us miserable. So what’s gone wrong?
Men are happy to play the romance game
By and large, men over the years have bought in to the idea of Valentine’s
Day. They might balk at the steep rise in the price of flowers or meals out
but they understand the importance of romance to women and are happy to play
the game. In theory, this should be a golden age.
However, I have noticed a worrying new development: women questioning whether
they themselves are romantic enough.
Maggie, 27, would like to marry her long-term boyfriend: “We’re fantastic
friends and get on like a house on fire. However, I’m worried that I don’t
really see him romantically. I have a lot of common sense and don’t like a
massive fuss. Is there something wrong with me?”
What is extraordinary is that Maggie and her partner Simon rate highly on many
other indicators of a good relationship – such as easy and effective
communication: “We have talked openly about what we both like, but trying to
be romantic with him just seems weird.”
Instead of accepting that she has a different take on life, Maggie is
questioning her whole relationship. “At the beginning, there was no
walking-on-air feeling – just excitement about each other’s characters and
personalities. So physically, it was more about experimentation than
profound passion. In fact, I am not sure how much “chemistry” there was when
we met – and many people think this is a vital foundation to a partnership.”
The romantic myth of two people meeting and falling deeply and passionately in
love became an obsession for Cassandra, 48, when her marriage hit a rough
patch. “We were part of a gang of teenagers who hung around together and
sort of paired off together,” she explained.
“The first time he kissed me, it was at someone’s party. I remember that he
leant forward and I had this quizzical look on my face. After all, we were
friends but I went with the flow and it was nice. All these years later,
Howard is a good husband and father – but I can’t help but think that there
has been something missing from the start.”
During counselling, it became clear that Howard did not naturally express
himself in the language of Valentine’s Day: presents, appreciative words and
going out together. “Anybody can pick up some flowers on the way home, they
haven’t really put themselves out,” he explained. He felt that caring
actions – such as fixing Cassandra’s car and collecting her from girls’
nights out – spoke volumes about his love. When this miscommunication was
sorted out, Cassandra began to appreciate more Howard’s offers to help and,
in turn, he went out more often and had fun with her. In effect, they had
deep feelings for each other, but they were not always expressed
romantically.
We need to listen to our internal voice
Our culture has become so seduced by romance – and the idea that a romantic
relationship must be a good one – that it can stop us from listening to our
own internal sceptical voice. When Chloe, 32, first met Clive, he seemed too
good to be true: “On our second date, he announced that he’d never met
anybody like me, I was the love of his life and he was teasing me about what
to call our second child.”
Naturally, Chloe was flattered and although she thought things were moving too
fast, Clive laid siege to her feelings. “He followed it up with flowers and
a weekend in the Cotswolds. It was like I was living in a romantic movie and
I was on an incredible high.”
So she ignored behaviour that would normally have made her think twice. “On
our way to the Cotswolds, he kept blowing his horn and accusing the driver
ahead of being a creep. At the hotel, the room wasn’t quite ready and he
made a terrible fuss. He was horribly rude to the girl on reception but I
didn’t like to say anything because he was being so generous.”
Chloe never thought his fury would be directed at her; after all, he had told
her she was his princess and nothing was too much trouble. However, three
weeks later, he hit her for the first time. When they came into counselling,
Clive thought his romantic gestures not only cancelled out his abusive
behaviour but also explained it: “I’m passionate and sometimes my feelings
get the better of me.”
The other surprise was how much heartache Chloe was prepared to endure: “I
keep thinking about how things were at the beginning and if only it could
always be like that.” As long as there was still some romance, Chloe was not
prepared to walk away.
Romance provides the illusion of a quick fix
So why has romance become the measuring stick for the health of a
relationship? There are three reasons. First, our society has become
obsessed with league tables, performance and assessing quality. Whether it
is exam grades in schools, waiting lists in hospitals or money spent on
Valentine’s Day, anything that can be turned into raw data will do – even
when the results are virtually meaningless. Secondly, romance provides the
illusion of a quick fix. A few meals out and flowers and everything will be
OK, but really working at a relationship involves tackling painful, deeply
buried issues.
Finally, love has been elevated from one of the ingredients for a successful
relationship into the glue that binds us together. Previous generations
might have stayed together for economic need; because of what the neighbours
might say; or for the sake of the children. But we are no longer prepared to
live in anything beyond a passionate and fulfilling relationship.
So is it any wonder that we seize on something like Valentine’s Day for
reassurance? Unfortunately the harder someone tries to be romantic, the more
empty the gestures seem to become. This is why the restaurants on
Valentine’s Day, decked out in red and serving pink food, seem like
factories and a million miles away from true love.
Perhaps romance, like happiness, is something transitory: nice while it’s
around, but impossible to sustain all the time. What I think we are
searching for is something more complicated than romance, and that’s
intimacy (which comes from time spent together, listening to each other,
valuing each other’s opinions, watching each other’s backs, sharing common
goals).
If we’re not going to stop making ourselves even more miserable, we need to
reexamine our values. Of course, romance is an ingredient in a happy
relationship. Good looks help and money, too. However, the most important
question is whether your partner possesses a sound moral compass: does he or
she consider how their behaviour affects others. What our grandparents would
have called a “good” woman or a “good” man. And if you’ve got one of those,
what more do you need?
Andrew G. Marshall is a relationship counsellor and the author of I
Love You But I’m Not in Love With You: Seven Steps to Saving Your
Relationship (Bloomsbury, £8.99)
How good is your partner?
A good partnership is based on more than romance. The following questions will
raise some of the most important qualities. Chose the option that best sums
up your partner or your situation.
1. How generous is he or she? a) My partner puts a lot of thought into
buying presents and planning surprises. b) My partner is willing to go the
extra mile and do things for me that she or he does not particularly enjoy.
c) Sometimes I think we are in competition with each other to see who is the
more generous.
2. If there is a difference of opinion, what happens? a) My partner
will try to keep me happy. b) My partner will stand up for what he or she
believes is right, but will also compromise. c) We fight until one or both
of us is exhausted.
3. How good a listener is your partner? a) Fine as long as it’s
something he or she wants to hear. b) He or she can take on board criticism
without getting defensive or aggressive. c) Depends very much on his or her
mood.
4. How much laughter is there in your relationship? a) We enjoy having
fun together. b) We have all sorts of private jokes together. c) Life is so
hectic, there’s not a lot of time for this.
5. How loyal is your partner? a) Generally good but sometimes I think
she or he is trying to balance too many conflicting interests. b) I can
trust his or her word completely. c) Sometimes, I think she or he is rather
selfish. (See the box below for results)
Relationship results: which letter did you score most often in the quiz?
Mostly a Generally everything runs smoothly but often your partner opts
for the quiet or the easy life rather than tackling difficult issues.
Therefore, during testing times, your relationship is prone to be blown off
course.
Advice Encourage more openness and honesty during the good times, so
that better communication is in place when it is needed.
Mostly b Your partner is a good man or woman. There is much to
celebrate but be careful not to take her or his “solidity” for granted.
Advice Notice something that you really appreciate about your partner
and, instead of keeping your gratitude to yourself, tell him or her about
it.
Mostly c The demands of work, family and hobbies means that your
partner can sometimes cut corners on your relationship. You are left feeling
taken for granted.
Advice It is easier to spot the flaws in someone else than admit to
those failings in ourselves. So take a long honest look at yourself. Could
you make the first move?
