When Sarah Hendrickx met Keith Newton she thought he was just a little “weird”
and was hurt by his apparent lack of concern for her feelings. Although they
soon became lovers, she characterised him as a “heartless freak” while he
saw her as an “overemotional troublemaker”.
As a marital therapist, I am familiar with this battle and most couples will
have privately thought something similar about their partner at some point.
However, Keith has Asperger’s syndrome, a type of autism characterised by an
inability to read body language, poor social skills, sensory sensitivity and
a narrow, obsessive range of interests.
It is thought that about 1 person in 100 is somewhere on this autism spectrum,
but most remain unaware of their condition. So what’s it like loving someone
with Asperger’s and, if some of the arguments sound like an extreme version
of our own, what can the rest of us learn from the experience?
Sarah, 40, and Keith, 39, got together four years ago through an internet
dating site. “Being together was idyllically wonderful, yet if something
wasn’t quite right it would plummet into a hideous mess,” she says. “He
would become colder and colder. I would ask those stupid female questions:
‘Do you think we will live together?’ He would say: ‘Seeing you once a week
is enough for me. I don’t want any more.’ I’d get terribly upset and he
would just be staring at me emotionless or he’d disappear.” As the couple
write in their book – Asperger Syndrome: a Love Story (JKP,
£12.99) – their relationship became so painful that they split up for a
while.
By coincidence, Sarah got a job as a training manager for a project with
adults with Asperger’s and told Keith about the courses that she had been
sent on. He spent many hours on the internet reading about the syndrome but
sees no benefit in getting an official diagnosis. (For adults, these are
difficult to obtain on the NHS, costly if done privately, and necessary only
if applying for disability benefits.) However, understanding Asperger’s has
helped the couple to communicate better and Sarah is no longer upset by
Keith’s literal and straightforward way of talking: “If there’s something
that pops into his head, he’ll say it. He just does not have the edit button
that everyone else does. One evening, in front of my brother and his wife,
he said: ‘When you lean back your nose looks like the underside of my
scrotum.’ They were horrified, but I laughed.”
Part of this acceptance is that Sarah has learnt how Keith’s brain works.
Meanwhile, Keith has begun to realise that other people might add extra
layers of meaning to what he says or does. As Sarah says: “He doesn’t
understand why, but he accepts that I have a different viewpoint and later
asks: ‘Did I go too far?’ ” “At first sight,
many of these traits might sound like typical blokeish behaviour. However,
Asperger’s syndrome is more complex (see box for the diagnostic questions)
and about one person in four with the condition is a woman. Sarah believes
her mother was one of them. “She wore only three colours: black, white, or
grey. She ate only cheese sandwiches and drank tea. She had a phenomenal
memory and could recall her childhood home to an amazing degree: the number
of stairs between each floor, location of light switches, and colour and
pattern of all the wallpaper. Unfortunately, there was little empathy, and
in her words: ‘If you cried, you were being a bugger.’ She didn’t like being
alive. But it was said in a matter-of-fact way: no tears, no pity. It was an
odd thing to tell a 13-year-old.”
Unfortunately, many women with Asperger’s syndrome do not get a diagnosis.
Martin, 37, began to suspect that his wife might have the condition when
they found out their seven-year-old son had Asperger’s, as there is a strong
genetic component to the condition. “It helped to make sense of a lot of
things. Previously, I’d put her coldness down to her family, who are not
touchy-feely people,” he says. “There’s this wall that I haven’t been able
to break down; something not quite right.”
He misses the closeness: “We have regular sex, but there’s no emotional
connection. I need emotions with sex. It can’t just be the act.” However,
when he has tried to talk to his wife about Asperger’s, she has brushed off
his suggestions.
Sometimes the tunnel vision associated with Asperger’s syndrome can work in
favour of a relationship. Joanna Wilson, 43, has been married to Paul, 44,
for 11 years. “At the beginning, I was his obsession and special interest.
He lived in London and I lived in Devon and there were allnight phone calls.
He’d tell me that he loved me. He’d write the most amazing letters and drive
through the night to be with me, and we’d hardly sleep. Lovely, lovely
stuff.”
He became obsessed with watches
However, everything changed just weeks after they married. For Joanna, who is
now a Relate counsellor and has a private practice helping couples affected
by Asperger’s, this was a horrible shock. “He wasn’t telling me that he
loved me any more and he was spending more time in the garage on his bikes.
He got into antique pocket watches, so he had these other interests and no
time for me. I would want to talk about it and he couldn’t understand that I
was upset. He would take everything I said literally and say to me, ‘If
you’re not happy, we’ll agree it was a big mistake and get divorced.’ But I
wanted to know what was wrong.”
The low point was a weekend break in Bath. “We discussed what we’d do
financially if we got divorced. Although there was a lot of equity in the
house, he was prepared to give it all to me. No questions. I couldn’t help
but feel that something was not quite right.”
So what can the rest of us learn from these couples? First, the power of truly
understanding your partner and putting yourself in their shoes. Before a
friend of Joanna’s – who works with special-needs children – pointed out
that her husband fitted the AS profile, parties were a nightmare. “I used to
think: why can’t you just chat to people, smile and be friendly. I thought
he was so selfish and wrapped up in himself. In learning about Asperger’s
and Paul, I realise it’s not that he won’t but he can’t. That’s a huge
difference. He cannot understand what small talk is all about. ‘Hello, have
you had a good journey?’ Why would you want to ask that? He doesn’t want to
know the answers, so why ask?”
Secondly, there is the acceptance of difference. Joanna says: “My husband
doesn’t do any emotional housekeeping. However, he earns all the money and
keeps me grounded. It’s a trade-off. He has strengths and I have strengths.”
Once these lessons are in place, couples – in which one partner has Asperger’s
– can make peace with each other. Finally, with less pressure to be
different, change becomes a possibility.
Andrew G. Marshall is the author of I Love You But I’m Not In Love With
You (Bloomsbury, £8.99)
All about Asperger’s
What is Asperger’s syndrome? A form of autism, the disorder that
impairs the ability to relate to others and understand body language, facial
expressions and emotions. Those with Asperger’s often have above-average IQ.
(For symptoms, see profile on facing page.)
What causes it? Scientists don’t know exactly, but they think a mix of
environmental and genetic factors may alter brain development.
Treatment There is no specific treatment for autism. Approaches range
from communication-based therapies to dietary changes. For more
infomation, call the Autism Helpline on 0845 0704004
The Asperger’s profile
Your partner may have Asperger’s syndrome if he (or she) has most or all of
the following traits. Does he . . .
1. Have difficulty interpreting body language and facial expressions?
2. Have difficulty understanding jokes, metaphor and sarcasm because he
takes everything in a very literal way?
3. Struggle to maintain friendships?
4. Become withdrawn and seem to be uninterested in others, appearing
aloof?
5. Have poor social awareness and find it hard to imagine how his
behaviour impacts on other people?
6. Love routines and get very upset if these are broken?
7. Have an intense and all-consuming special interest or hobby?
8. Have sensory difficulties? Is he oversensitive to touch or smell or
noise or to a particular taste (people with Asperger’s have a very limited
diet). In some cases, there can be an undeveloped sense.
Adapted from the National Autistic Society website: www.nas.org.uk
i am one of the few females that has AS. i was diagnosed at 40 when returned to uni as a mature student. my partner of six years seems uninterested in trying to understand me and i am wondering if, despite lack of intelligence and analytical approach he may also have AS? am i making excuses for him?
lorna dewhurst, liverpool, uk
I have been dating a guy for about 1 year that has aspergers syndrome. He has quite a few of the difficulties that are listed above. I am feeling frusterated and a lot of the time withdrawn from him and disconnected like I could be talking to a wall, and he wouldn't understand me.
Andrea Samsten, West Fargo North Dakota, United States
I read the book "Look Me in the Eye" by John Elder Robison, during a recent time when I was alone, and what an eye opener it was. My mother who is due to die soon at the age of 89,clearly had AS,but Dad really understood her and helped her for most of their 60 years together. (LOVE)
Saamantha Lee, Portland, OR USA
I have seen support groups for people with Asperger's; guides on dating and social interaction. Its good to know that there are resources for people in relationships with someone who has it. They're few and far between. As for "Apple", no one blames you. We're trying to meet you half way. Calm down.
Anna Maria, Boston, USA
I have been married for thirty years to a husband who I believe has Aspergers.Believe you me if I explain my emotions in great detail, my husband still can't understand where I am coming from.I feel alone and isolated and my husband would never agree to go to Relate. I can't go on living this way
Sue, Hayle,
What about meeting us half way? I'm autistic. Does it not occur to you that it is difficult for us too?
You get all emotional and expect us to psychically know why and get cross when we don't - why don't you just TELL US and take our feelings into consideration too? Why do you always blame us?
Apple, uk,
I`m a female in my late twenties with Aspergers. I married recently. I think aspie females in relationships are rarely studied, written about or supported, it`s usually the Asperger`s males who are written about. I think it would be interesting to get the female AS view on relationships.
Rose, London,
I wish more people could know the positives of AS beyond computing and techexpertise. The point with AS is that you are dealing with a different kind of person, not someone "incapable of love", but the expression and emotional landscape is different, however not inferior as suggested.
Nicola, London, UK
Hey!
Only people with AS can EVER know how hard it is living with AS & KNOWING you'll NEVER be 'like everyone else'. Yeah, it's great being able to get 100% in exams & being amazing with computers. But it's tough being hypersensitive to every taste, smell & feeling & as for communicating...
Sam, London, UK
I think I have AS; I realised when I was 15 I was different and would always be on my own. Hate having to talk with people but want to; its like being a Goldfish, you can observe and want to interact with things but you cant. If there is no treatment why get diagnosed?
Jack Sprat, Bristol, UK
I believe I've been seeing someone with AE for about 7mnts. He is open to criticism, humble and wants me to tell him of his blindsopts. I appreciate the efforts/changes he makes though they seem largely intellecutal and not emotionally driven. Want to type more but there a block? Hope this helps.
Andrea, Middlesex, England
My name is Sue and I was diagnosed with Aspergers in December 2007. I am 43 years old and have always known that there was something different about me but, everyone just said I was naughty, disobedient, selfish etc etc. I was 10 when things first went wrong for me and all my family except my Mum just said I needed a good slap. My Dad would even put me in the car and say he was taking me to a childrens home.
Anyway, I still live with my Mum who is 73 years old and we also have a friend living with us who is my carer. I am petrified of my Mum dying as her Mum died at 73 (when I was 10! ) and my Mum has been my rock.
We moved to our present house 18 months ago after 33 years in our previous home. I have never really settled here but we wanted to be nearer by brother and his family. Unfortunately, 2 weeks before we moved, his wife left him and took the children. He has since re-married and has no time or interest in either me or our Mum which hurts a lot.
Unfortunately my friend who lives with us became physically disabled after a routine kidney operation last year, left her with no feeling from the waist down. So we have to move house again as we live in a three storey town house.
I am not doing at all well with all this upheaval. I struggled last time and it's even harder this time.
We have found a house that we like and is suitable. It is valued at about £20,000.00 less than ours, but I am so scared that we won't get it because ours isn't sold yet. I can't deal with all the uncertainty and disruption of the process of buying and selling.
Do you know of any way that we can secure the purchase of the house we want even though we haven't sold ours yet ?
I desperately want to live somewhere where I can spend the rest of my life and I'm sure this is the place. I don't know what I'd do if we didn't get it.
Please can you offer any help or advice ?
Yours hopefully
   Sue
SUE, eastbourne,
I am in tears reading this. My husband has so many things going on that I have just read. He is impossible to talk to, relate to or anything else, I am AT MY WITS END. We have been together for 12 years and have two children. He cant' talk sensibly to me or the kids, he just talks at us. What he says goes and he is always bossy. But won't except that he is wrong in any way. He has a weird way of thinking and is very selfish but believes he is so generous and the most caring person! He is rude to me and always finding fault and can not show any loving emotion to me at all. But wants me to love and mother him! I get so cross with him at times as he is so impossible, he then turns everything round on me making me feel like I am mad. If I cry he sneers and tells me to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt child. He is VERY sarcastic and gets me into a real emotional wreck @ times. I have ended up banging my head on the floor and being totally hysterical as he is so horrible AND doesn't car
FRANCES BEACH, tenterden, england
I run a pub and one of my full-time staff has AS. I really want to help him out, and I have researched lots and agonised over it for a long time, but I'm getting worn down by the way he can be rude to customers and get angry at me when I explain, calmly, how he should do something.
It doesn't appear to me that people with significant AS are suited to work in a fast-paced public-related job; well, when he is busy he snaps at customers and other staff, he can't read social situations which might be getting out of hand, and he can't appreciate the importance of a pub's atmosphere.
I've talked with him about this on several occasions, but things are getting worse if anything. He's a good worker in many respects, but all the effort I put in charming customers into the pub is too often undone by his coldness and occasional anger towards them.
I don't want him to work for me anymore, as it is putting so much extra pressure on me, including on my very rare days off. Am I being unreasonable?
Ken, London,
Oh my Gosh. I hope there are still people reading these. You all have my story. In each an everyone of you I have read bits an pieces of my life. I have been married for 18 years and I don't know what to do anymore. I am empty. I have 5 kids and my husband makes 6. I dream of a relationship where a conversion is a given. One I would not be totally embarrassed by his social behavior. I would not have to tell him how to talk to the kids. He likes to show and tell everyone what he knows and how much better he can do.He can be rude and when you bring it up to him he says I did not do that. I am done. On top of it my twins have Aspergers as well. They were preemies and had many many many issues and I had to do that all by myself.One of my sons almost died the night after he was born and my husband went to work. I had to try and not neglect my other kids while trying to go to DR.s therapy's, school, meetings. Whatever ,on and on and on.
Jody, Twinsburg, USA
Oh my goodness, if this isn't my story too. I felt I was trailblazing for the last 17 years ALONE. I knew my husband was not normal, almost alien like, but I discovered conclusively he had Aspergers a few years ago with 15 years of suspicion once I dug my head out of the sand and accepted it. There are so many of us spouses and our children who suffer Asperger because of a spouses having it. But most of the media attention is given to the children with Autism, not the children and spouses who are suffering Aspergers/Autism because of a spouse/parent with it. The other NT parent is rendered ineffective as they too suffer. Children with Autism already have a support network(ei,families, sibling, parents, schools, communities, medical community) on the other hand we the spouses and children of the adults with AS are left out in the cold to try to survive, keep our families together and guess what, we don't. Generations to follow will suffer if we don't give more attention the Adult AS!!!!
peggy schrabeck, Onalaska, Wisconsin
This whole idea is very silly. The best and the brightest people have tremendous powers of concentration, which bring peculiar side effects to their lives. Iis ridiculous to think that this is a medical condition -- the Asperger's Syndrome.
My late husband, Charles was always thinking, and when he had a good idea he worked on it 24 hours at a time, and he could shut off his hearing, and his sight, and, if I touched him, he was so surprised he jumped up! Now, Jeanne, I never thought is was because he did not want my touch, because every man wants a loving woman's touch.
Now, Einstein was like this, the great composers, artists, and writers, but they were not sick, and neither was Charles, they were just living their intellectual lives!
Now, Jeanne, you are so lucky, you have a brilliant husband who cares about you! Charles never called me silly names
either, but he loved me. And I miss him terribly. And, what is really important to you?
Marie-Celeste DUPPLESSIS, Paris, France
My late husband Henri was like Jeanne's husband. Those with superior intelligence and mental powers usually can concentrate so strongly that they shut down their hearing, and even their vision so that they can use their minds to solve a problem. Does anyone think that because Einstein was like this, when Handel composed the Messiah Oratorio in 21 days and shut out the world, that they were sick?
Henri was like this. He literally did not hear someone speaking to him. He had a mind which worked 24 hours a day. He had no time for social nice things. He too did not call me affectionate names, because it did not occur to him.
Did he love me, yes. Did I doubt his love, no. Was he difficult, yes. Was he suffering from some disease, like this Asperger's syndrome? Well, if it cannot be clearly defined and there is no treatment or cure, does it really exist?
I think not.
Marie-Celeste DUPPLESSIS, Paris, France
I've long suspected that my husband has this--he is extremely bright, obsessive about the computer (probably a genius with programming/internet) to the extent that he can work on a problem for 36 hours straight without sleep, makes improper comments about others in their hearing without realizing he could offend, has to have his meals at given times and is a very fussy eater, cannot remember not to put the used knife on the tablecloth, cannot/refuses to call me by any term of endearment, even my name, "forgets" common considerations, doesn't like to be touched, is very limited and up tight sexually, and so forth. I have no doubt that he cares for me and depends on me and we are financially very secure, but a brief encounter with a normal man who was comfortable with touch and expression showed me how much I've missed, how much I've given up, for 20 years. And my husband's recent hospitalization left me relaxed and at peace because I was alone for a few days. So now what?
Jeanne, Paris, France
Calling someone an "As" seems to have become a fashionable way to glibly diagnose, label, pigeon-hole and demonise.
Why can't people accept that it's not a treatable, never mind curable "disorder", illness or syndrome at all, but just the way some other people are, and the very essence of their distinctive character?
I am privileged to know several individuals who have been given this label and they are all remarkably intelligent, funny and special in their own ways. There's nothing "wrong" with them at all.
Gordon Alexander, Frome, UK
How can any of you ladies, that have these partners,have a normal life? You can't because you all live in a world were most people around you do normal things,feel normal feelings, respond to every day situations that normal people do.Us that have this condition are maybe better off letting you find someone that you can or maybe i'm just normal
john karmaniolos, warners bay , australia n.s.w.
'nt' stands for "neuro-typical". a 'normal' person is 'nt'. someone with asperger's syndrome is 'as' and on the high end of the autistic spectrum..
the characteristics and behavior of range from 'nearly unnoticeable' to 'severely disabled', but all share the lack of a 'sense' in the moment.
imagine you were at a party with lots of haply talkative people and you were deaf, but you didn't know you were deaf, and neither did anyone else.
you can see that you would often be guessing how to respond, and others would often find your responses 'odd'.
its a bit like that.
those with 'as' are fully capable of emotion, but deaf to the moment-to-moment-experience of it; all understanding of the moment that depends on the continuum of moment to moment experience is hampered.
'as' types often withdraw somewhat in response to failure, not coldness.
'as' types often attempt an intellectual understanding of the moment. it is artificial, but it is better than nothing.
a.walker, ny ny,
My partner, who has Asberger's, is becoming more flexible as he gets older. I too am a counsellor, and sometimes wish he could be less straightforward in his approach to everything, I don't receive cards, presents, flowers but does this matter in the big scheme of things? He hates restaurants, hotels and taxis, preferring familiar situations. However now we have a caravan and this allows us to travel and for him to feel comfortable. Finding activities we can share has been difficult, but we enjoy music and are learning Spanish, of course he can focus on this to the exclusion of other things. Several other members of his family have undiagnosed Asbergers. Should he tell them. What do you think?
Jenny Fulford-Brown, Cambridge, U.K.
Oh James from Sutton, I pray you are reading this article. And ladies, if you find you're dating someone who says his exes were "grumpy", get the hell out. You'll soon discover that you in turn become labelled as "grumpy", and then you find out that every single girlfriend he's ever has was described as "grumpy" to the next girlfriend. And all the time, the thing that made them - and you - all grumpy was him. Him and his neverending criticism and probably undiagnosed Asperger's, which if you ever dare to bring up in conversation gets a level of cruelty which is frightening. I too want to know how to detect Aspergers in grown adults, and how to detect sheer cruelty.
Helen E., London, UK
i have a friend who has very bad social skills. he doesnt understand when he has upset people, he never wants to socialise even with his good friends despite the fact that he works only 15 hours a week in a pub, he does not like physical contact like hugs, he blows things hugely out of proportion for example situations with girls, he never vcries or shows emotion, he is incredibly thin which is also quite worrying, he shows more affections for cats than people and he lets his mum dictate his life. could he have aspergers?
EVEE, stoke,
I was married to a man with Asperger's Syndrome, I realised it when our son was diagnosed. It explained his coldness, indifference and total lack of support. He literally changed within 36 hours of marriage. I tried hard to develop a relationship between him and our children, but it was impossible and eventually our teenaged daughter gave me an ultimatum - either he stays out of your life or I do.
The article doesn't mention the intense vulnerability which my ex husband and son both had. I couldn't discuss their behaviour without them going into a childish tantrum. My life was spent 'treading on egg shells'.
This article suggests that the problem is mild, when it isn't. Research from the Netherlands suggests that 80% of Asperger's marriages fail. My own lasted 18 years and sapped my confidence, my self-respect, my health and sometimes even my sanity.
DNB, Staffordshire, UK
i have moderate asperger's, and i've yet to find a woman who can tolerate my lack of warmth or enthusiasm about things. the one i did find was so cold herself that the relationship felt mechanical and purely sex based, so it didn't last very long.
others may find ways to make relationships work. for myself, i can't see that happening, anymore. over a decade of trying, and to be flatly honest, most women just can't stand me, past the initial infatuation. and those that can? they're borderline aspie or demonstrate similar characteristics, making them so distant there's really no point in bothering.
i'm happy now staying home alone with my cats and computers. the cats provide a little affection, and the computers are coldly rational. i suppose life is about as complete as it's likely to get.
bob shrader, parkersburg, west virginia, united states
Excuse me Cassandra - what does "NT" mean please?
MN, London, UK
just getting out of a lifelong (30yr)relationship with an undiagnosed aspie. Good times and many bad.
met a NT man, who is touchy feely and makes me feel like a worthwhile beautiful human being again. Diagnosis has to be given, or it is us the wifes that suffer in the end.
I have two sons both on the spectrum, and i have to fight for evey crumb of support from the system.
Cassandra !!!!
North west UK
cassandra, liverpool, uk
I think the question suggested by a few comments here really deserves a detailed answer: how do you know when you've met someone somewhere on the spectrum, and how do you know when they're simply a seriously unpleasant person?
And then, one has to ask, if we can answer this, does it really make a lot of difference? For example, is living with someone with Asperger's who treats the other partner terribly (and I know all don't and am not suggesting for one moment that they all do) a "better" situation to living with someone who is inherently nasty and cruel?
Does the knowledge that their behaviour is "down to Aspergers" make it better, or easier to handle? Does it somehow take away their responsibility for their actions in a kind of "they know not what they do" way?
I don't know the answers to these questions and would like to know. I too have dated men who said they "thought" they were on the spectrum, and some who behaved like MN and Carol's partners. Both were living hell.
Laura Roberts, London, UK
The article does give the impression that people with Aspergers are emotionless or heartless and unable to feel empathy. This isn't true, as someone else has already pointed out.
Using terms such as 'heartless freaks' really isn't helpful.
Madeleine, Leeds,
Articles like this made me do an asperger test, starting in Aug '07...
I'm 27 and did an extensive asperger test last year. Since Dec. '07 I now know, that I have a condition very close to Asp. on the Autism spectrum.
At the same time these tests started my girlfriend dumped me after 6 years - telling me that I am a "Black Hole for Emotions" and she could life with someone like me (anymore).
Needless to say that the end of a relationship after such a long time is difficult enough on it's own but this makes it so much harder. :/
chris, Frankfurt, Germany
I was married for ten years to a "respectable professional man" who refused to admit he was on the autistic spectum, despite consultation with experts in the field. Aspies do not like criticism and will dodge any areas or reflect blame back rather than admitting they are wrong. "Sorry" was not a word in his vocabulary and lies were common. The once knight in shining armour, and loving man I married soon persuaded me to give up my business and re-mortgage my house, then things changed dramatically and I was treated with less respect than a stranger. My self esteem was eroded and my health suffered and I was finally advised after a violent attack to divorce him. Key to all of this is yes, there are lovely people who unfortunately are affected by Asperger Syndrome and they deserve support and understanding. But some others are fundamentally bad people who are also affected by AS. There is an important difference between the passive and the aggressive person with AS.
Carol, Billericay, UK
What a great article, can relate to so much off this as I had been in the dark about having Aspergers until recently – 48 years of confused chaos. I am also sure my mother had and that’s why we never bonded, in fact she was unable to be a mother to me and was never happy in this world. Of course this does not mean being on the spectrum you cannot have a wonderful family life, because you can – I have and love my boys dearly, but being diagnosed has helped me not only understand myself, enabled me to be a better mother and re connect with my husband.
There are so many great points in this article and to me since being diagnosed one of the best articles I have read, it brings out some of the everyday simply facts like how hard it can be simply to “just chat to people, smile and be friendly†fitting in and being like everyone else can be so important growing up, so when you can not and you do not understand, it can be such a lonely journey.
Where the article says: “We have regular sex, but there’s no emotional connection.†For years this has been a huge problem for me and as a young adult the consequences of not knowing can be soul destroying, in the past people have told me there was something wrong with me, growing up I so longed for that special connection, wanting so much to be truly in love, in fact my biggest problem was I would almost latch onto anyone who showed affection and become totally obsessed with wanting to be in love, for all the wrong reasons of course
In the article it says “It is thought that about 1 person in 100 is somewhere on this autism spectrum, but most remain unaware of their condition.†I feel there are a lot more people now aware, especially in the professional world but choose to keep a secret because of the lack of understanding and stigma attached. Which I feel is a real shame, as the more of us that talk out, the easy it will become being on the autism spectrum. I really believe:
We need to embrace our children’s differences and stop trying to get them to conform. We all need to stop trying to change what we do not understand and educate society that there is in fact a whole group of people who are just different..and I feel the key really is understanding and support where needed.
Since being diagnosed I have set up my own web site Aspergers Parallel Planet –http://www.asplanet.info/ where you can read my story, in the hope that it will inspire others to find their true selves.
Alyson Bradley, Christchurch, New Zealand
I've had two partners who displayed all of this. I too used the phrase "heartless freak". One I loved more than anything else in the world, but his lack of empathy, especially at one months-long time of great need, destroyed us. The other, I even refer to now, as a complete and utter terrifying psycho nutter, whose literalism ("now, don't lie, there weren't hundreds of people at the meeting, there were just lots, did you count them, why are you lying, are you trying to deceive me, you are aren't you...?"), obsession with objects that should not be moved one centimetre, and downright endless insulting criticism was the stuff of horror movies.
But how do you know when you've met someone with undiagnosed Asperger's, and how do you know when you've met someone who is just plain horrible and evil?
And if you're with them and want to work this out by seeing a doctor perhaps, but they react with "Are you saying I'm wrong in the head, are you saying it's my fault..?" then what?
MN, London, UK
I think what perhaps isnt clear from this is that aspies do have emotions and care deeply for their partners, they just show it differently . My partner is an aspie and he is warm , affectionate and loving.
Neurotypicals(NTs) just know what to do , what is expected in relationships. Aspies do not . Its much more difficult as an aspie wont be able always to judge what the right answer is or what to do when a partner is upset. That does not mean they do not care though.
What it means is my partner has to make a lot of effort and that means a lot. It means there is real honesty, as often NTs say the right thing but dont always mean it.
It means no game playing. It means sometimes an aspie will do things that are difficult for them because they do care.
It does though mean a lot of effort on both partners part to understand, learn and 'translate' .
I wouldnt want a 'cure' for my partner. I have learnt a lot from him and how I look at the world. There are lots of positives
yvonne, london,