Q My new girlfriend has disconcerting sexual practices such as rubbing her clitoris during sex and not allowing me to caress her breasts. Is it me or her?

DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD

A Sexual practices vary from one couple to another and it is not up to the rest of the world to pass judgment. Provided that both of you are comfortable with it, and there is no coercion, don’t worry.

It is interesting, no more than that, that you find it disconcerting that your new girlfriend should masturbate during sex. This is a common practice. Many women don’t have an orgasm as the result of penetrative sex alone, especially as most men climax earlier than either they or their partner would like. In all probability your girlfriend is taking steps to make certain that she has an orgasm and that it coincides with yours. Her actions don’t imply that you are in any way inadequate. The perfect timing she strives for enhances her pleasure; sharing an orgasm seems to be more important for women than for men.

The only conclusion that can be drawn from your girlfriend’s lovemaking is that she is probably more disinhibited than you and that her last boyfriend(s) didn’t object to her habits. Incidentally, many women have told me that their boyfriends have asked for them to behave in the same way. The request probably has two motives: men wanting to know what gives women pleasure (the variations in clitoral technique are legion and even a subtle change provides different sensations) or they are turned on by watching their partner masturbate.

Some women can be brought to orgasm relatively easily by breast stimulation alone, whereas others find that breast fondling leaves them quite unmoved. Some enjoy having their breasts vigorously handled once they are sexually aroused, but find it painful or irritating if they are unaroused or not in the mood.

You don’t tell us the size of your girlfriend’s breasts, but popular mythology has it that women with large breasts are less likely to be turned on by touching than those with average-sized ones. It is even said, although I am quite certain there has been no valid clinical research to support this premise, that small breasts are more sensitive than very large ones.

Partialism is the term used to describe an excessive sexual interest in one part of the body and is a tendency thought to date from an incident or experience in early childhood. Similarly, early experiences can make someone self-conscious about some part of their body, or bodies in general.

The likely explanation is that your girlfriend doesn’t like having her breasts handled because it doesn’t do anything for her and is, therefore, as unsexy as having a mammography screening test. But it is just possible that an unthinking remark made when she was younger has given her a hang-up about her breasts.

Every relationship involves tactful negotiation of likes and dislikes. Few liaisons survive without compromise, although this shouldn’t extend to tolerating practices that one partner finds repulsive. If your girlfriend’s other disconcerting sexual practices are no more trying than having hypersensitive breasts and you are not asked to cover yourself in chocolate with parts dipped in champagne, you should persevere. I wonder what she tells her friends about what she considers your unusual quirks? You might be surprised.

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic

SUZI GODSON

A Though the porn industry has successfully propagated the myth that a mouthful of man-meat is all it takes for a hot chick to have a blinding orgasm, out here in the real world, real women need real stimulation to have real orgasms.

Your new girlfriend rubs her clitoris during sex because it feels good and makes an orgasm a probability, rather than a possibility. She does it to herself because previous sexual partners have failed to volunteer this essential stimulation and she presumes that you cannot be relied on either. There is a very simple solution if you find this disconcerting: get down there and do it for her. Use your tongue, use your fingers, use plenty of lube and don’t stop until she has an orgasm. When it comes to sex, actions speak louder than words, and consistency, as opposed to 30 seconds of conscience-cleansing cunnilingus, will send your stock soaring.

Because the female orgasm is more elusive, couples sometimes adopt a ladies-first strategy. They use cunnilingus or manual stimulation to bring her to orgasm so that they can enjoy intercourse without anyone feeling under any pressure to “perform”. Similarly, they maximise the chances of her having an orgasm during intercourse by adopting positions that sustain the pressure on her clitoris. The female superior position, where the woman straddles her partner, leans forward and slides her pelvis down so that her clitoris is rubbing up against the base of his erection, is very effective. The man doesn’t really need to thrust; she does the work at her own pace.

The coital alignment technique is also useful. It’s a bit like the missionary position except she wraps her legs around his and he pulls himself up higher over her body so that the base of his erection is pressed against her clitoris. The idea is that they both thrust together in a rocking motion, keeping their pubic bones tight together and providing her with additional clitoral stimulation.

Needless to say, it’s rare to work out these strategies telepathically. Telling you that a part of her anatomy is out of bounds without offering you an explanation must be frustrating, but if you approach the issue in an accusatory way the conversation is likely to hit the wall. If you want to bring up the subject, make sure that you discuss it in terms of her sensitivities, not your sexual gratification, and don’t be surprised if she tells you that she has a physical aversion to contact in that area. Some women’s breasts are so tender that they feel pain when they are touched; others have virtually no breast sensitivity and find that fondling distracts them.

Breast surgery can also make women feel self-conscious, as can negative body image. Many may pay thousands to have implants, but some naturally well-endowed women often wish they weren’t. I have a friend who wore an EE bra at 14. She had reduction surgery when she was 22 and, along with 3lb of fat, lost all physical sensitivity from her breasts.

Whatever the reason for your girlfriend’s approach to sex, changing her habits or her misconceptions about men won’t happen overnight. But if you love her enough to put her needs first, and resist the temptation to badger her, you will find that intimacy blossoms as trust grows.

Suzi Godson is author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)

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E-mail your sexual dilemmas to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT

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