“Richard, I know I have to love you, but I sure as hell don’t like you.”
So said the mother of a friend of mine to her then errant adolescent son. He
is grown-up now and is a respectable lawyer, with all the visible trappings
of success (plus some not so visible ones, such as a drink problem). He has
never forgotten the comment. It stunned him at the time and it has coloured
his relations with her ever since. His father’s death four years ago was
when he felt it most keenly: “It’s just me and Mum now. And no one likes to
hang around where they’re not wanted.”
Women who regret having children are the silent minority. And with good
reason. Maternal ambivalence is damaging for children and parent alike,
therefore it is rarely articulated explicitly. Partly this is to do with
society’s archetypes and our expectation of happy-ever-after relationships.
In fairy stories parents love their kids unconditionally. Today there is
agreement that for some women this bond can take time to kick in. However,
the assumption is still that (barring ruptures to the bonding process such
as traumatic birth experiences) all women will love their children and will
find motherhood fulfilling and stimulating.
Leaving aside the reality that mothering is hard work, often anything but
fulfilling, questionably stimulating when you’re changing the umpteenth
nappy, and seriously undervalued in our money-oriented culture, what is
rarely discussed is the group of women who privately regret having kids.
Even for women who adore their kids, the monotony and loneliness can make
some feel that their lives are diminishing. So imagine what it’s like for
those who suspect they’ve made a mistake. It’s a suspicion that will blight
their lives and, unwittingly, those of their children.
“He came along and ruined everything”
Harriet dislikes her firstborn Charlie because deep down he reminds her of her
unfaithful exhusband; Charlie is away at boarding school where, Harriet
says: “I can pretend he doesn’t exist for weeks on end.” Aneka believes that
she has lost her husband to her son: “They’re off doing ‘boy’ things. Things
were much better before he came along and ruined everything.” Jane’s mother
was a single mum. “I’ve never been able to shake off the sense that I’ve let
Mum down,” Jane says. Meaning well, Jane’s mother often advises her “not to
make the same mistakes I made”, thereby subtly reinforcing the idea that
Jane was/is a “mistake”.
Good attachments in early childhood are crucial for behaviour and development
in later life. John Bowlby, the foremost attachment theorist, explains that
good, healthy attachments to the mother will enable a child to trust in the
consistency and security of that relationship. Inadequate attachments or
emotional deprivation will give rise to an angry, indifferent, or clingy
child. The damage can also influence relationships in adulthood, and may
lead to substance misuse, depression, eating disorders and other indicators
of shaky self-esteem.
With so much at stake, it’s no wonder that women who regret having kids feel
ashamed and keep quiet. This makes it hard for them to get the help they
need, which is available and essential. One difficulty is that the arrival
in the early 1960s of the Pill gave women control over their fertility. As
such, the assumption is that women who have children really want them. And
this is not always the case.
We know that motherhood changes lives. We know all about the lack of sleep,
the reduced social life, the loss of libido. What is underacknowledged is
how vulnerable psychologically the new mother is to the loss of her old
self. With all the freedoms that can come from a fabulous career, or
financial independence, the new mum may be underprepared for the
psychological impact of being totally responsible for someone else.
This is where a new mum’s extended network is so crucial. Years ago, when we
lived surrounded by extended family and old school-friends, a new birth was
a collaborative affair. Today our increasingly fractured society, with its
emphasis on the worship of celebrity and perfection, can lead many mothers
to feel isolated, inadequate and misunderstood. But even if your own mother
is on hand to help, this is not necessarily the perfect solution.
Emma’s relationship with her mother, Eleanor, had long been coloured by
Eleanor’s maternal ambivalence. This all changed when Emma became pregnant
with Kirsty. “When I started my maternity leave Mum would visit every few
days, even though the round trip is 120 miles. It upset me that she was
being so proactive for her first grandchild when she never so much as came
to sports day when I was growing up.” When Kirsty was born, Emma found it so
hard to bond with her baby that she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital
for severe postnatal depression.
In Emma’s case there was a legacy of unspoken anger towards a parent who had
treated her in childhood as little more than an appendage. As a result,
Emma’s relationship with Eleanor had an adverse effect on her ability to
bond with Kirsty. In therapy Emma was able to acknowledge her huge
resentment towards her mother and her jealousy towards her baby for being
the unwitting recipient of what was experienced as invasive grandmotherly
affection.
Learning that parenting is about the child
The important thing is that women such as Emma received help because when a
baby becomes part of the equation, the emphasis must be on a holistic
approach to put the baby at the centre of things. This does not mean
ignoring the needs of the mother, who may be depressed, angry, resentful or
just in need of reassurance. Whatever the scenario, the mother must be
attended to to help her to look after her baby.
For some this will eventually mean going back to work, to bring in extra
income perhaps, or to retain a sense of themselves as a working woman which
enables them to be a better mother. For others it will be about finding
someone to talk to who can help to acknowledge unspoken fears, longings or
resentments, and to come to terms with the fact that parenting is for the
child’s benefit, not the other way around.
Not all women are cut out to be mothers. I know; I interviewed some for my
novel Something I’m Not. But many go ahead with pregnancy,
hoping that ambivalence will be annihilated during labour by a love-bomb of
hormones. And for most women, this will happen. Those for whom it doesn’t
deserve our understanding and encouragement to get the right help. More than
their life depends on it. Names and details have been changed
Lucy Beresford is a writer and psychotherapist, registered with the UK
Council for Psychotherapy; www.lucyberesford.co.uk. Something I’m Not (Duckworth, £12.99) is available from
Times Books First for £11.70, p&p free. Phone 0870 1608080 or visit timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst
For feedback on this article, see timesonline.co.uk/alphamummy
The biology of bonding
Oxytocin Known as the “attachment hormone”, this plays a crucial role
in mother-child bonding. When a woman starts to breast-feed, oxytocin is
released into her body, travelling both to her brain, and to her baby’s
brain via the breast milk. Here it encourages feelings of sleepiness,
euphoria and love.
Prolactin A hormone released when women start to breast-feed. Studies
suggest that it has antidepressive and antianxiety effects.
Skin to skin contact Thought to be vital for cementing the
mother-infant bond. Scientists have found that skin contact straight after
birth increases blood oxytocin levels, and in 2006 a lecturer in midwifery
called for mothers to hold their babies close to their skin for the first
hour after birth.
When a ‘party animal’ became a mother
Janice, in her fifties, came to me for psychotherapy during an episode of
depression triggered by the discovery that one of her daughters had married
without inviting her. Janice has three adult children, but poor
relationships with all of them; two have chosen to live overseas. She was
frustrated at being excluded from her children’s lives and her biggest fear
was that she would never get to see her grandchildren.
Blaming the kids In our work together, we looked at her maternal
ambivalence. Being pregnant before marriage affected her sense of who she
was, which, in turn, affected her relationships with her adored husband and
children. All the pregnancies were unplanned and Janice went from being “a
bit of a party animal” to having three children under the age of 3. Her
husband threw himself into work, and the marriage eventually disintegrated.
Anger and pain Subconsciously, Janice felt that having children
destroyed her life. She projected that anger on to her children for the way
they lived their lives; and it’s possible that they were acting out their
anger later in life by excluding her.
Losing her self For Janice, the new role of motherhood had been
experienced as a disastrous loss of identity. In therapy she was able to
access her anger, render it less toxic, and come to some acceptance of her
children’s autonomy. Her relationship with them is improving all the time.
Motherhood is a beautiful choice,but there is nothing wrong with recognizing that you don't want kids,and not having them.Society needs to stop treating child-free women like there is something wrong with them,and focus more on emotionally assisting new mothers who can use the support.
Susanna Wagner, Virginia Beach, Va
Having my children was the best thing that ever happened to me! And, I used to think I was un maternal before having them in my 30's. Children are demmanding but being a mum is the best job ever!!
jenna, uk,
I think I'm somewhere in the middle of this debate- I never wanted kids, and I miss the independence and autonomy and freedom to be just myself again, but I love my son and wouldn't trade him for anything.
It's rough trying to reach a balance between Momma and Self, but my husband is supportive and does his best to get me some down time. Child care is monotonous, but I think of the early years like a phase- it's sort of like being a teenager- it sucks for everyone, but you generally come out on the other side alright. :) You don't have to be emotionally damaged to not want kids, because having kids is the end of independence as you know it, and who in their right mind wants that? Nor do you have to be emotionally unstable or hormonally crazy to want kids, because that's the beginning of a labor of love that's responsible for the continuation of the human race. :)
Zee, Dubai, UAE
I agree with this article 100%. It is as though it is written about me. Although I was never maternal, I made a logical decision to have children when I was 34 (3 years ago). I didn't want to end up like two of my close friends in their early 40s, who wanted children too late biologically & are now on anti-depressants. I was happy & content in my life (fantastic hubby, successful career in IT) and being ambitious, always looking forward to being more successful & satisfied in my career. My first son (both my sons were planned pregnancies) was born 3 years ago and my world just fell apart. I couldn't love him, regretted having him and blamed him for the fact that I couldn't enjoy my job anymore (I had to pick him up from the nursery at 5 everyday, whereas until the day he was born, I left work when I felt ready to leave). I hid my post-natal depression until after my second son was born, by which time I was very suicidal. I saw a therapist and am working on my relationship with my kids.
Sue, Herts, UK
Geri London. Of course they are defensive. They are not allowed just to admit it because of comments like yours which use a broad brush to assume that just because you feel completely fulfilled by motherhood, then every other female must do to.
I have two very wonderful children but I hate motherhood. The original article summed it up very well when she said that one is suddenly given the total responsibility for another human being but not being given the control. My two are aged 3 and 4 and after each day I feel emotionally and physically drained. I am a person who has always enjoyed my own space and company. You will no doubt ask why I had them but there is no easy test to take to know if you will like being a parent. Everyone (like you) tells us how fulfilling it is. One sees peers who previously insisted that having kids was not an option suddenly become earth mothers, so there is a definite social pressure that it is the normal thing to do.
S, Glasgow, UK
Why is it that if a woman doesn't want/like children the general opinion is that she must be psychologically damaged? What a patronising and old fashioned approach.
In our modern times it is completely acceptable for a woman to be in control of her own body and be vocal about her feelings and needs. Surely if a woman doesn't want childen that is her choice and it should be accepted and honoured just as much as her desire to have children.
My best friend and I have grown up together, our mothers loved and nurtured us, encouraged us to make the best of ourselves and while she has wanted nothing more all her life than to start a family of her own, i have never had any interest in becoming a mother. Does this make her more rational than me? Does this mean my mother neglected me emotionally?
Don't be ridiculous.
Katy, London,
I've been saying since I was a 4 year old child that I don't want kids. Even as a child, I was more like an adult. I was well-mannered and polite (even at 4 years old), and had adult conversations at 8 years old. I've always liked the cultured adult lifestyle. I have NO clue how to talk to kids. I feel nothing but reluctance when I see a baby. Even at 23, I've just never had the desire to have my own children.
Its SO great to see other women around the world expressing the same emotions on this issue! There are mothers in the wild who kill or leave their babies to die if they don't want them. I've always wondered if humans can lack the instinct too. I've always felt like I don't have the instinct.
Ashley, Tampa, FL, USA
Why is it still seen as "abnormal" for a women to not want children? I don't like them, never have and never will.
My mother can't shut up about how she is not going to have grandchildren - funnily enough she doesn't have the same conversations with my brother.
The constant repeating of the same old arguments drives me up the wall. We don't talk much about it. Because she brings it up so often, we don't talk much, full stop.
Sarah, Gillingham,
Personally I didn't have a bad childhood, I was wanted and my mother didn't emotionally damage me. I still don't want children! The urge or desire to do so is simply missing in me. I like children and get on well with them, but I just never felt the urge to have my own. I am happy to be an auntie and godmother to my friends' and relatives' children, knowing that my total lack of maternal drive would have made me a bad (ie indifferent and resentful) mother. Not all of us 'childfree' people hate kids or are emotionally damaged. And Geri, I'd suggest that the reason so many childless/childfree women are 'defensive' is because they're sick of having to justify their choices to people who can't see any way of living other than their own and feel perfectly justified in asking a virtual stranger why they don't have kids...
Jill, London,
My mother cites being a mother as the thing about her life she is most happy and grateful about. Indeed, even her co-workers have always related to her as the office mother. All of my 3 sisters have married and had children (some in that order), but I am devoutly childfree for life.
I am lucky my family has learned to accept that I don't want to have children, but I think they still feel sad for me about it. They love a house bustling with little ones so much they can't imagine anyone being happy without all that childish glee all around them. Even when I was a kid I was annoyed by the presence of other kids. Now that I'm an adult I am so glad I get to live in a serene, sophisticated home environment -- and for my entire adulthood!
And how about those parents who slug through 30 years of childrearing only to have the oldest come back home with a grand-child just as the youngest is finally going off to college? You don't necessarily get rid of them at 21! It's a life sentence.
Dutton, Albany, USA
If you have the slightest doubt about having children, I say: Rather be safe than sorry! I am 35, have no children and I want none. I live a rich and satisfying life: interesting job, good health, a paid-off property and car, cash to spare/invest, interests, an active social and sports life, lovely holidays, plenty of travel and this all, with a wonderful (childless) man. I read 7 or 8 of books every month, sleep in late on the weekend, and so on, and have never ever been broke.
I feel rather sorry for my friends, weighed down with children for the next 30 years. Why do women do this to themselves and then stomp about with a long face, bitterly wiping noses, moaning about lost opportunities?
Please! Have the courage to make a lifestyle choice that suits your character, wallet, interests, relationship, health and limitations. Having children to please others is a crime against yourself and the child in question.
Jane , Cape Town , South Africa
How patronising and limiting Geri's comments are: "having children is truly the most fulfilling experience a woman can have". Not everyone wants to pursue the same career path, or seek out identical personal relationships, therefore it follows that not everyone aspires to family life as well. There are plenty of people who recognise what their limitations are and live to them. Just because a gay friend feels complete in her life doesn't mean to say I should follow her path and nor should it follow that a friend who is happy as a mother should make others who don't have children feel unfulfilled. People are variables you know Geri. And I for one am eternally grateful for that. I love my life and couldn't be happier child-free. It's just such a shame that such a choice needs to be justified to the suburban mindset.
Josie, Edinburgh, UK
I am in a happily childfree marriage. I have no interest in children, and never felt any desire to have any. I am easily irritated by children behaving badly and believe beyond a doubt that I would have been a bad mother.
Why is it that so many people then felt the need to persude my I was wrong and would change my mind, and it woudl be different if it was my own? Seriously who tihnks it is a good idea to persuade soemone who doesn't want children to go ahead have them on the baisis that a mystical bonding miracle will change everything?
How many of those women who did not or cannot bond with thier children had children, due to peer pressure form fmaily, friends or society simply because it was epxected of them, or becuase they never really thought hey had a choice.
Better to not have a child and regret that, than have one and resent it.
Sandi, Christchurch, New Zealand
I wish more parents would realise how devastating their actions, (however subtle) have on their children for the rest of their lives. While accidental pregnanices were very common a few decades ago, and still happen these days, it's never the child's fault and it breaks my heart to hear of children constantly reminded that they were either unplanned, unwanted or both.
Toni S Hargis, Chicago, USA
How sad and what a waste. Having children is truly the most fulfilling experience a woman can have and I feel sympathy for those who feel they have been destroyed emotionally by their own mother too much to enjoy it themselves. Women who don't have/don't want children are so self-defensive...
Geri, London, UK
I can testify from first-hand experience that when the mother is frustrated and angry at having given up her dreams, the children suffer for it. A woman of the 1950's, she married young and had children immediately. I didn't realise how bitter and unhappy my mother was at putting her own dreams aside until too late. I believe that her bottling up those toxic emotions killed her, as she was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 36 when I was 10 years old.
Neither my sister nor I can recall ever receiving any cuddles or love from our mother, only anger and bitter criticism. I was petrified of transmitting the verbal and physical abuse that I suffered to the next generation - and felt that if I had a child I would sicken and die as she did. So I remain happy, and healthy, and childless.
I have come to terms with that feeling of being unwanted and unworthy, and now as an adult, feel some compassion and sympathy for what my mother went through. We were both victims.
Jessica, London,
It was about time that someone wrote about this! I'm convinced that there are a lot of women who are just not that interested in having children, and who are very happy with their lives without them. They should no longer be looked upon as some sort of freaks. I think having children has been hyped up an awfully lot!
Gulle Orre, Brugg, Switzerland
Ugh, what a load of nonsense.
Women who don't want/like children don't need "help". It's perfectly logical to hate the idea of giving up your interesting and fulfilling adult life to become an indentured servant.
Motherhood can only really be a boon to women of low intelligence or unstable hormones.
Polly, London,
My mother left my father, my two younger sisters & me when I was about 5 years old. (The youngest was a baby of 6 mths). She had very little to do with us when I was growing up; I was 11 before I saw her again. She lived far away so visits were infrequent, but even then, she rarely wrote or telephoned. Simply put, she was disinterested in her 3 daughters, either as children or as adults. It hurt a great deal & only after a great deal of counselling was I able to feel that there was nothing wrong with me, because as children you DO think that it is your fault. I came to understand that she was a woman who didn't have many choices (this was the early 60's) & should not have had children. I guess one measure of comfort is that at least she was open about her indifference. I'm 47 & I don't have children. When I was younger I was smart enought to realise I was not emotionally capable of rearing children but my sadness is that now I feel I am mature enough for them, I am too old.
Deborah, Dhahran,
A, in London, I sympathise with you. I don't want children because I didn't have a happy childhood and never bonded with my mother. And I still have hang-ups about my upbringing.
However, what I can't understand is why you married your husband when he wants children and you don't. When I start dating someone and hear that the guy wants to have children, then I don't let the relationship develop any further. I don't want to disappoint them. And I don't want to feel pressurised into doing something I've never wanted to do.
I do like children, however, and if I met a man with children, I'd have no problem there. I just don't want children of my own.
Martina, Duesseldorf, Germany
I am 30 and afraid of having kids since I want to be able to love them unconditionally and afraid I wont be able to. My mother didnt love me the same as my older brother as she saw me as taking her place as my father's favourite girl. I grew up more or less ignored by mother unless i was naughty - so ended up having a rebellious teenage and youth when she probably hated me but i got her attention! My friends remember me saying that i wont have kids when i was as young as 16 for the same reason.I am a clingy and attention-craving wife, and dont even like him working at home, as it takes away from 'our time'. My husband wants kids, and I am scared for any child we may have and wont be able to forgive myself if I am unable to love my child as I should
A, London, London
This article's emphasis on damaged relations with one's own mother/partner damaging the relationship with the child unfortunately reinforces the notion that, if you don't want/like children, there *must* be something psychologically wrong with you. As this article also acknowledges, much of childcare is depressing and dull. The women you mention at the end of this article, who drift into pregnancy because they feel that they *ought* to, are victims (albeit rather unquestioning ones) of the social assumption that any 'normal' woman must want to have kids. Many women with young children as as bored and miserable as hell, and made still more miserable by the fact that they're not allowed to admit it.
Kate, Chester,