When Helen McGrath's husband Peter lost his job as a contracts manager in the
construction industry, his initial feeling of shock meant that he didn't
tell her for the first week.
“He thought he'd get something else and be able to tell me then as a fait
accompli,” says McGrath, a part-time special needs worker from Finsbury
Park, North London. “But he soon realised that it wasn't going to be easy.
The impact now for him is of ‘failing', as he supports the family
financially.”
Grae Hillary's partner, Jon Harris, found that work for his video production
company dried up as companies tightened their belts and he is now keenly
looking for any job at all. “He has days when he gets really down about it,”
says Hillary, a PA. “It gets on top of him and is definitely affecting his
self-esteem, not to mention our relationship.”
Across the UK, similar scenes are being played out as unemployment rises. More
than 140,000 people lost their jobs in the three months to September,
leading many experts to predict the total number of jobless to top out at
the early-1990s figure of nearly three million by 2010. With thousands of
jobs going in often male-dominated industries such as banking, accounting,
property and IT, it's middle-class men who are feeling the effect of this
“white-collar recession”.
The balance in a relationship shifts
Subsequently, many normal, hardworking couples and families are left facing a
modern relationship hurdle. “Apart from the financial pressures this brings,
it also brings a total shift in dynamics within relationships, with men
feeling emasculated and unable to provide for their partners or family and
lots of added pressure on women to bring the money in,” says Corinne Sweet,
a psychologist. And however modern today's women are - living in a
post-feminist world where women have always worked and been on an equal
footing in partnerships - they may find it harder than expected to adapt to
a new order in their relationships. Janice Hiller, a consultant clinical
psychologist who specialises in couples therapy, says that our relationship
structure is often far more gender-based than we realise. “Evolutionarily,
we are evolved to have different roles. That's not just going to disappear.”
she says. “We still have that ancient wiring.”
Sweet sees it as something that crops up when the chips are down. “In a
crisis, we revert to stereotypes, and the credit crunch is a prime example
of that. I've heard from many women who consider themselves feminists and
free of the constraints of traditional gender set-ups, but who have been
totally surprised by their reaction to finding a redundant male in the
house.”
Naomi Hayward, a political researcher whose partner Matthew lost his
alternative-healthcare practice, was eight weeks pregnant when he told her
that the business had gone under. “I had never cast myself in a stay-at-home
role, but suddenly I realised that I wanted my partner to be the provider
and look after me. I never thought it mattered to me that my partner brought
in the money. But when he was out of work, I realised that it did matter.
I've started off being incredibly supportive, but I have my moments when I
feel like shaking him. If it were me, I'd be applying for everything, but
Matthew is living off his savings and seems to have lost all his drive. He's
refusing to let me help him.”
Redundancy hits men particularly hard
“Men don't generally deal as well with unemployment as women,” says Steve
Miller, a business coach who works with a range of blue-chip companies on
their redundancy programmes. “A lot of anger comes with redundancy and men
tend not to talk through their emotions as women do. Traditionally, the man
'provides' and for a man to lose his job, it's not just about money, it's
loss of status, which can be a huge knock to his confidence.”
Sadly, the strain that comes as a result of dealing with unemployment and the
negative emotions it brings pushes some couples to breaking point. Sandra
Davis is the head of the family department at the legal firm Mishcon de
Reya, which handled the divorce of the Princess of Wales and initially
represented Heather Mills in the split from Paul McCartney. She says that
they have “never been busier” and though she deals mainly with high
net-worth individuals, the issues that affect these wealth-driven
relationships are universal. “The trauma of losing status can cause huge
problems. The power balance shifts and it is an emasculating situation,” she
says.
Not only will a man be trying to deal with feeling that he's not living up to
his “role”, but there's a real danger that the woman will become angry and
resentful. “It can be incredibly frustrating for women if they're earning
and still having to run the household while their partner is out of work,”
says Hiller. Sweet adds: “Unfortunately this unspoken resentment can build
to the point that it causes a complete relationship breakdown. The worst
thing women can do is criticise and ridicule; it should be about being
honest without being emasculating.”
Communication is essential
So what can you do to ensure that the rot doesn't set in when redundancy
bites? Overall the message is clear - communicate. “What's important is to
talk. Pick your moment care-fully. Don't confront him when you're tired or
have had too much to drink,” advises Sweet. “That way arguments lie. And
make it a joint problem - 'How are we going to get through this?' - rather
than 'What am I going to do if you don't get a job?'.”
Appreciating each other for the little things during this tough period will
help to keep your relationship going. “Stay united,” Miller says. “Agree
some ground rules about how you're going to approach the situation; for
example, not bickering, or what to tell the kids.”
Rather than pushing you apart, redundancy can be an opportunity to bring you
closer together, Hillary says. “It's made us stronger. We've realised we can
cope with anything. I'm sure I'm with the right person because of it.”
Some names in this article have been changed
HOW TO STAND BY YOUR MAN
Andrew G. Marshall, a marital therapist, offers this advice to couples on how
to weather the storm when the man loses his job.
Talk honestly about your feelings When he has lost his job this can be
difficult because it touches on another painful topic: who has power in the
relationship? Instead of tackling the underlying problems, couples can
bicker about small issues
Look beneath the surface In general, 80 per cent of a dispute is about
the past and only 20 per cent about the moment. So take the power out of
your feelings by looking at what drives them.
Think back to your childhood What would your mother have said? What did
your father do? Are you reacting with added force because of those memories?
What from your partner’s past might be adding to the problems?
Did his father lose his job? Did his mother have negative opinions of
men? Childhood stories from will help you understand your hidden 80 per cent.
Learn to communicate better It’s not so much what you say but how he
hears it that causes the arguments. So try my three-part statement; it is
designed to get as much information as possible out in the open as quickly
as possible.
1) I feel..... (Allows your partner to know where you’re coming from.
2) When you..... (It is something specific and not all the time).
3) Because..... (Explains the background and stops him assuming something
worse) For example, I feel annoyed when you don’t put the dinner on because
the commute home is such a nightmare.
Find new ways to gain respect for each other Money is a crude way of
measuring somebody’s worth. So remember back to when you first met and list
five things that you admired about his character, abilities or skills. Try
to add something extra that you have learnt since. Share your list with your
partner and keep reminding yourself and him about his admirable qualities.
Andrew G. MArshall is the author of I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You
(Bloomsbury, £8.99)
