Right, you ’orrible lot. Here is your mission, should you choose to accept it. And you have no choice. You will camp out in conditions that will recall the muddy wastelands of the Somme (although with a bit of luck you should be spared the raking machinegun fire and artillery barrage).

And when you get there, you will be faced with some of the most terrifying weapons the enemy can throw at you. Dame Shirley Bassey, for one.

Having consulted the weather forecast, The Sun last week called in its military expert, Andy McNab, to ask: how can music fans survive the Glastonbury festival?

If you are reading this at the festival, of course, it’s too late. Let’s hope you brought good wellingtons.

What you should have done, says the ex-SAS man, was pitch your tent on the high ground, remember that the prevailing winds on the site are usually from the west.

You should have remembered not to get drunk before putting up your tent. And you should have remembered to change your socks regularly. If you now have trench foot, you only have yourself to blame.

Never mind, though, it could be worse. You could be in the Big Brother house, where the action has just been frenzied.

Here are just some of the stories that The Sun and the Mirror have uncovered about the contestants in the past week: Liam, billed as the Big Brother romeo, rather enjoyed cricket at school. And he once worked as a tree surgeon. Chanelle, whose ambition is to be Victoria Beckham, pulled on a pair of leopard print undies.

Carole, a “fun-loving grandma”, once went to a Scissor Sisters concert dressed as a mobile phone.

Does Andy McNab have any tips on avoiding unnecessary excitement while watching Big Brother?

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