Picture the scene. You are patrolling the mountainous border of Pakistan and Afghanistan when, suddenly, you hear piteous weeping from the depths of a nearby cave. That will be Osama Bin Laden, international merchant of terror, having just have read the births and marriages section of the Al-Qaeda Daily Star. Particularly the news that his boy, Omar, who was doing so well in the scrap metal business in Egypt, has gone and married a vassal of the heathen western imperialist hegemony.

Oh, the ingratitude. Would he, Osama, not have hired a nice marquee? Would he not have laid on a magnificent finger buffet? And perhaps, if it be Allah’s will, some country dancing?

The papers are not entirely clear about the new Mrs Bin Laden, Jane Felix-Browne, 51, whose marriage to 26-year-old Omar was announced in The Sun under the headline “Cheshire housewife marries Bin Laden”. The Sun says she is also known as Zaina Mohamad al-Sabah. The Mail says she calls herself “Lady” Jane Felix-Browne. Whatever happens, she won’t be calling herself Bin Laden. “Because my husband’s name is Bin Laden he finds it very difficult to travel anywhere,” she says.

While The Sun told how the couple met on a romantic riding holiday in Egypt, the Mirror took a slightly more jaded view.

Columnist Brian Reade remarked: “If he was here right now, we’d be able to ask him: ‘So Mr Bin Laden, what first attracted your 26-year-old eyes to the five-times-married, 51-year-old, multiple sclerosis-suffering grandmother with a British passport?’ ” Elsewhere there is terrible news in The Sun. Heather Mills, locked in a divorce battle with Sir Paul McCartney, hopes to appear on Dancing On Ice. Have we not suffered enough? If we held a whip-round and raised enough money, perhaps she might just go away and leave us all alone?

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