Monday

So I’ve sacked my lawyer. Why not? Anyone can be a lawyer. In fact, I was a lawyer. I ran away from home when I was 11 and set up one of the most successful legal firms in the history of the North East of England. A child! I was a child!

People call me a fantasist but they never saw me when I was getting murderers and paedophiles jailed when I was 10, basically like Ally McBeal. In fact they wanted me to be in Ally McBeal instead of that skinny bitch, but I said no. I was too busy promoting vegetarianism, which I invented.

I don’t care about the money. I don’t even need money. If I didn’t have any money I could make anything I wanted: clothes, food, probably even a boat.

I’ve had death threats! Don’t forget about Marilyn Monroe. They killed Gandhi, they killed JFK, where is it going to end? I’d be happy with hardly any money. Fifty million, maybe a hundred. And I want a house.

Tuesday

I’ve got rid of my plumber too. If he can be a plumber, I can be a plumber. You think I can’t plumb? I left home when I was 7. I’m only thinking of my daughter. I’m thirsty and my carpets are wet. Maybe I should just jump off a cliff so she could be with Paul and everybody would be happy. Actually, somebody once threw me off a cliff. Yes! The highest cliff in the world. I was fine. Although not emotionally. But does anybody care about that?

I don’t have a lawyer but I do have a personal trainer, a hairdresser, a bodyguard, a make-up artist, my sister, my driver, my manicurist and my stylist. They all come with me to court. The papers think I’m just showing off. They’re on Paul’s side.

Nobody knows the truth. When I’m not here any more, you’ll all be sorry.

Wednesday

I’m in front of a mirror at home, practising how to shout and pout at the same time.

Look what we are doing to Kate McCann, for God’s sake! Look at Princess Diana! Do you know what it is like to be a veal calf? I’m in a prison! A prison! Three years of lies! What’s £60 million to him? I left home when I was 6 years old!

“Perhaps,” suggests my chiropodist, “the judge would prefer you to stick to the point?” So I’ve sacked my chiropodist too. At Christmas, they chop off the turkeys’ beaks. Are you okay with that? Because I’m not.

Thursday

I’m just trying to protect Paul. If I wanted money, I’d just go and work in a bank. You think I haven’t had offers? I love him but it’s time to go it alone. Does he have cameras in his face all day? Would we treat a battery hen like this?

The things I have been accused of! I didn’t kill my neighbours’ dog! And don’t think I don’t know what it is like to be a photographer. I probably used to be one. I probably won awards.

Friday

People are dying! So I’ve sacked the paparazzi and I’m doing that myself too. I’ve sacked everybody. You think it’s easy to wave a camera in your own face?

When I’m my own driver, and my own bodyguard, and my own make-up artist and my own sister too? Would a murderer have to do that? Would a paedophile? I’ve had enough! I’m going to sack Paul and divorce myself. I’m only thinking of my daughter. Ninety per cent of global warming comes from cows! I left home before I was born. You people make me sick.

Times recommends

• Ask me about sex, not pay
• Culture clubbing
• Honor Blackman: Words from the wise